Do all men think like this about 'older' women - warning controversial!

[runoutofnameideas]

DH and I have been having problems. Long story but all of the spark has gone.

Anyway, as part of a wider discussion, he was talking a lot about how men are pre-programmed to go for younger women and that as women get old we have to be attractive in other ways etc. etc. That women of 40 or 45 can't typically compete with younger ones of say 25 and if it were on physical appearance alone, men would go for younger(other than a few exceptions - I suppose e.g. demi moore)

On and on. He said stuff like and that's why women BBC presenters get dropped at 50 and so many older men have younger wives and it's all a biological imperative as men traditionally are still be fertile but women aren't.

He reckons most middle aged men don't think about their wives whilst having sex with them and are really thinking about someone else.

He says he thinks it's important to tell the truth and lots of people must be going through the motions when they don't really fancy each other.

I can sort of (very sadly) see his point but it is so horrid to think this is true and I'm destined to have had it shortly.

I am exhausted and so sad he thinks like this.
Opinions please!

God how depressing

I must admit I am feeling a bit sensitive on this subject and I feel that I have aged a lot recently, and put on weight. DH seems to have lost interest in me and never pays me the compliments that he used to do all the time.

Hope it's not the case. Don't want to be an also-ran.

I think that many people who behave badly, having hideous assumptions about life, will always cite 'everyone does it', 'everyone thinks like that'.

It allows them to normalise their own behaviour/attitudes when the truth is it is just their view and they should not be trying to rope in others to try and make themselevs feel better

I think your husband is being a hurtful arse...

Not all men do think like that (I don't think), I have seen couples of varying ages from forty onwards, deeply in love with eachother, with neither the husband nor the wife drooling over younger men/women!

Is you husband always so very charming? I take it he is an aboluste stud??

No wonder the spark has gone. He sounds like a right gee bag.

When will you be free to follow the female biological imperative of sharing your life with a worthwhile human being?

He said that? That's awful. I don't think it's true at all. I'm 31 and have a dp who is 23 :o He loves the way I look and totally adores me :o

Well he's right, women generally are considered most attractive when younger.
Whether this is a natural, inherant thing to do with child-bearing or social conditioning or a bit of both, who knows?
But none of that explains your dh's behaviour. Love, respect,intimacy, shared lives etc trump glossy hair and taut skin.
He sounds like an utter twat with the depth of puddle. And a shallow, insensitive arse to boot. Yes, please do boot his arse.

Oh don't worry Fuzzy, I definitely pointed out that he is starting to lose his hair etc.

It's pathetic and although he didn't intend it to be hurtful it actually really hurts.

He thinks it's so important to be honest and can't live a lie.

I'm sure there isn't anyone else for him (yet) but I don't know I can put up with this.

He is ridiculously rational about everything so this is all quite typical.

Fact is even if he could sort of force himself to sleep with me , I so don't want to now I know he thinks like this. He's taken all the romance out of it by dissecting everything. I don't want him looking at me and thinking I'm old or whatever.

[Incidentally I'm actually only in my mid to late thirties and probably look a bit younger and am not bad really].

TBH, I think it is shite, but its what an awful lot of 40 plus guys think I know I was pretty decent in my early 20's (although I never had much confidence), but I have went downhill as I've got older, what with babies/breastfeeding/earning a lot less and having less time for myself.
I don't compete with a 25 yr old now, but guess what guys (meaning the op's man), NEITHER DO YOU!!

Tell your dh that a lot of women feel the same way about middle aged men. I am sure that they would rather have a young stud muffin in their bed than a wrinkly, pot bellied prat who thinks that he looks like Brad Pitt. The difference is that us women are not STUPID enough to say so.
I would like to know why your dh would want to say such a thing. Is he trying to tell you something.?

To be fair he did say that the other stuff - companionship etc. takes over from the physical attraction side of things.

If we are talking about sexual attraction alone then, as my experience of actually being an older single woman, then I don't agree with your husband.

Recalling the ages of men who have wanted a sexual relationship with me in the past year 29, 36, 52, 22 , 32 so across the age range. Not saying that they all wanted to marry me though!

Hopefully it won't come to this but if you do split up over the lack of spark then you could always get yourself a younger lover as there are plenty around that appreciate a more mature woman.

Forehead - he was trying to explain the background to why he doesn't want to have sex with me I guess??

His other probably fair point is that as relationships go through the years the passion diminishes.

No, no, no...companionship shoudn't just replace physical attraction. My point was that for most normal people they continue to be physically attracted to their partner, maybe less of a rip-your-clothes-off sort of way but just as strongly due to the closeness they share.

He makes it sound so black and white.
Attraction isn't like that though.
Maybe if you were to ask a bunch of people (not just men) whether they'd rather look at pics of young fit strangers or average-looking middle aged strangers, most would probably prefer the young lot - but in real life, real relationships there are other, more important factors.

Well - I think that nowadays we all stay and look a lot younger as we get older. Its not we get to 40 anymore and pull on the elasticated waist trousers and give-up is it?

However I think your husband is being hurtful and doing what Pag said.

Also I do recall being in my early 20's and 'older' men chatting me up and well - there's no way that would have happened - they seemed way too old to me.

Relationships aren't obviously just about sex and I do think its generally easier to be in a relationship with someone of a similar age as you have so much other stuff in common - grew up in similar times etc.

Your DH is being a twat.

Most 25 yr old women fancy men who are the same age. They do not find, bald, beer bellied, hairy nostriled, 50 yr old men a turn on. That is biology for you.

Sadly I think dh knows quite a few rich older men with young wives......

So am I supposed to shag him and all the time know that he isn't even thinking about me? Not that he wants to shag me anyway

He's an arse. Sorry but he is. I've had enough of men feeling like they have to tell "the truth" when all it does is chip away at your confidence.

Real men love older women more than young babes. There is nothing like having sex with a woman who is confident in her self. And all the 40+ women I know look after themselves, know how to look good in their clothes and have the ability to drive men to distraction.

Lots of 40+ men become boring farts, all they want to do is watch football on tv. Why don't you tell him "the truth" about older men. Oh yes, including the fact that they often can't get it up anymore. cheeky bloody git.

"he didn't intend it to be hurtful "

• yeah he did

I'm with an older man - by no means ancient but I'm late 20s and he's nearly 40. He's put on weight and hasn't much hair etc but he's attractive to me because he's my partner, friend, and trusted confidante and we have a closeness which can be sexy. I think looking at it any other way is immature, and gender has nothing to do with it. Men may still be fertile at 50 but unless they're very fortunate most women working on a pure sexual attraction basis will be opting for a younger model too!

OP, I thought when I read your post you must be at least 50 for your dh to even be thinking you might be a bit old - then I find out later you are mid-late 30's !! He must not like women, only girls

I didn't even think of myself as old till I hit 50 - now dh and I both know we're old !

If my dh tried anything like this he would find out exactly what I generally think of middle aged men - and it wouldn't be flattering.

Laugh at him and tell him to grow up.

Fizzfiend , you have probably hit the nail on the head, maybe the OP's dh can't get it up anymore and rather than admit that he is no longer the stallion he once was, he prefers to chip away at the OP's confidence.

I would prefer a younger man physically too, they are mostly much more attractive then men my age, knocking on 50. I am currently looking for someone around this age that is still sexy and have a bit of go in them. It's proving very difficult.