Do all men think like this about 'older' women - warning controversial!

[runoutofnameideas]

DH and I have been having problems. Long story but all of the spark has gone.

Anyway, as part of a wider discussion, he was talking a lot about how men are pre-programmed to go for younger women and that as women get old we have to be attractive in other ways etc. etc. That women of 40 or 45 can't typically compete with younger ones of say 25 and if it were on physical appearance alone, men would go for younger(other than a few exceptions - I suppose e.g. demi moore)

On and on. He said stuff like and that's why women BBC presenters get dropped at 50 and so many older men have younger wives and it's all a biological imperative as men traditionally are still be fertile but women aren't.

He reckons most middle aged men don't think about their wives whilst having sex with them and are really thinking about someone else.

He says he thinks it's important to tell the truth and lots of people must be going through the motions when they don't really fancy each other.

I can sort of (very sadly) see his point but it is so horrid to think this is true and I'm destined to have had it shortly.

I am exhausted and so sad he thinks like this.
Opinions please!

Minxie1977 - you're quite right. In terms of emotional maturity, younger women are often a nightmare (younger men too, no doubt!). I was merely talking about looks, and in a general sense.

morganbuffay - no doubt women would prefer that (the younger blokes) as well. But, being a straight bloke, it's not really entered my consciousness as something to be (a) interested in or (b) bothered by.

This telling the "truth" (usually something unpleasant or derogatory) - 'for your own good' is a classic abusers' trick btw.

Funny how they never tell you anything nice 'for your own good', isn't it.

Yes, because presumably your fiancee hasn't sat you down like the OP's husband has, and told you in no uncertain terms that you are physically past your peak and tried to couch it in supposedly scientific terms! You are quite right not to be bothered, and the OP shouldn't be either.

BarmyArmy - I agree with all you've posted in general man prefer younger women. It's not all though and think OP needs to know that.
IMO OP's DH is using a generalisation to justify acting a twunt towards her. Not a conversation that needs to be had in any relationship anyway, is it? "Morning darling, no I don't fancy a shag, you're too old for me!"

FWIW I have always found older men more sexually attractive too. There are no definates to sexual attraction. Other than women definately wanna shag George Clooney Just me then [wistful]

I just read OP to DH who replied, in his typically deep and insightful way, "He's talking a load of old bollocks"

I agree the point is not about what men do or don't prefer (surprisingly, or perhaps not, they have differing tastes and sexual preferences).

I'm hazarding a guess that run's H has worked out this is something she feels vulnerable about and is using it against her, which is really nasty.

I think its the kind of men who picked a trophy wife to start with ie mainly interested in the attraction of youth and beauty then those wives may well be replaced in the future but if a man genuinely falls for the whole person he will continue to love her as she ages and this will be a very deep love. And visa versa. Just my theory.

I agree that it appears the OP's husband has been quite tactless in what he has said.

I don't know that we have been told enough to infer abuse or controlling tendencies.

Man says something without thinking shocker!

I'm no angel, but from this man's point of view, anyone who thinks and talks like that doesn't deserve to be getting ANY sex.

I'm a man. I present the OP's OH one name and one fact to prove he's talking bollocks:

Salma Hayek is 43

DP and I have been talking more about this.

Apart from his repeated insistence that runoutofnameideas needs to send him some pictures of herself because, you know, he's objective , he actually went so far as to say that he thinks the OP's H is either planning or preparing for a fling (ie he's justifying it to himself aloud before embarking on this course of action). He's also said (very rare for him, because normally he sees MNers are a bunch of crazy bra-burning harridans with a taste for male blood) that the OP should seek advice to protect herself and then get rid of him. Or get herself laid with the aforementioned 19 year old and then tell her H.

Only the OP knows where this is heading - but given that you've already stated that things are not good between you I'd possibly stick my neck out so far as to say you should leave him before he leaves you, and at least have your self-esteem to show for it. And not least because it might teach the slimy little toad a thing or two about looking after a good thing when he's got one. The next one might be a whole lot more expensive and less inclined to tolerate his ever-growing ear hair and saggy scrote.

I'm 25. There's nothing less sexy than a deteriorating middle-aged man who is a shit to his wife and has a vast sense of his biological imperative, far out of proportion with its actual size.

You can tell him that from me, OP

I know that some men think like this.

But not all!

It is funny how this sort of man thinks he himself is immune to the ageing process. Such blithe self regard!

Tell him men develop paunches, hairy backs, long nose hair, hair growing out of their ears, and weirdy skinny legs, and BALDNESS. And that sadly this leaves them unattractive to young women.

I would love to know if he is a perfect specimen, or if he has any of the afflictions I mentioned above?!

Has he never heard the name Robert Pattinson? Or Zac Efron? Occasionally the male casting people let a fittie through the net - just watch the middle aged women explode with lust.

I can't bear this evopsych crapola - yeah beautiful people are beautiful. The fact that he has a cock doesn't mean he deserves sex with one of them.

He's obviously got a real way with the ladies though - that charm should stand him in good stead.

Has he read this?

"yeah beautiful people are beautiful. The fact that he has a cock doesn't mean he deserves sex with one of them"

QUOTE OF THE WEEK!

I think this may well be true, but the way I feel is, how badly do I want some crappy man who's going to use his biological hardwiring as an excuse for being a knob.

Good luck with shakira as another poster said to her X as she dumped him. (wish i could remember who that was).

"Entitlement (noun) - Entitlement or a 'Sense of Entitlement' is an unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others." Make him a t-shirt (or a string vest, whatever) with that on it.

TDD

ps, totally agree with skidoodly's excellent post at 10:10

Also, he 'concedes' that things like comapanionship do outweigh this truth, but how 'companionable' is this for you?? it doesn't sound companionable. It sounds like a recipe for resentment (on your part, and quite justifiably) and insecurity, and loneliness. All paving the way for him to shrug and leave you for a 25 year old.

Let's hope he's rich ey. The men who can pull this off are like Michael Douglas. (although, personally, boak, not for me, and I'm only a year younger than czj - MD is a year older than her Dad. boak+ double Boak

"quite a few rich older men with young wives...."

Sorry to read of your situation, and think your husband is being dumb. It does often seem the case that a rich older guy has "something to offer" but (without wishing to offend anyone here with an older partner) there may sometimes be the hint of a "gold digger" when it does...

I won't go into my (limited) experience on dating sites, but sufficient to say that with minimal information a bunch of young women claim an interest in meeting me without ever seeing a photo. If I filled in much more detail, there may be some interest from more mature women, for me as a person, not as a cash machine (if I put down that I'd been bankrupt, do you think it would dissuade any twenty-somethings, or do you think they're too air-headed to know the word?)

Yes, lots of men have fantasies about someone in the age group for an 18-30 holiday, perhaps even think they'd be able to take on 2 girls that age, but it's bound to be wishful thinking for most. Of course, some might use their position at work to flatter some young thing, but I suspect many young women would curl up their nose and tell a girl friend how much it'd make their skin crawl for someone older than their own father to be making advances.

In your 30s, you're young and could start a fresh relationship, but love and loyalty probably prevent it, however much of an ass he is, because family stability is high on the agenda, I'm guessing.

You don't need his kind of tell the truth revelation - it seems so hurtful for him to have suggested he could be thinking of someone else.

Unfortunately, if I made some comment about 'enjoy it when heads turn' I might get some backlash from the feminist brigade, but you perhaps need some positive comments from a man or men, to reassure you that it's only boring older hubby who is negative.

Seems he is burning any bridge to future happiness by his insensitive comments, and yet you are far from being on the shelf - cannot think that making him jealous would do anything positive, but a heart-to-heart (in the tell the truth spirit) saying how he has upset you and damaged your confidence and love of him, just might sink in.

Cannot add much - keep your chin up - and good luck.