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Relationships

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Do all men think like this about 'older' women - warning controversial!

218 replies

runoutofnameideas · 22/08/2010 14:55

DH and I have been having problems. Long story but all of the spark has gone.

Anyway, as part of a wider discussion, he was talking a lot about how men are pre-programmed to go for younger women and that as women get old we have to be attractive in other ways etc. etc. That women of 40 or 45 can't typically compete with younger ones of say 25 and if it were on physical appearance alone, men would go for younger(other than a few exceptions - I suppose e.g. demi moore)

On and on. He said stuff like and that's why women BBC presenters get dropped at 50 and so many older men have younger wives and it's all a biological imperative as men traditionally are still be fertile but women aren't.

He reckons most middle aged men don't think about their wives whilst having sex with them and are really thinking about someone else.

He says he thinks it's important to tell the truth and lots of people must be going through the motions when they don't really fancy each other.

I can sort of (very sadly) see his point but it is so horrid to think this is true and I'm destined to have had it shortly.

I am exhausted and so sad he thinks like this.
Opinions please!

OP posts:
Malificence · 22/08/2010 20:05

OP, your husband is a moron, if he's not thinking about you while having sex then that's why the spark has gone .

Yes, my husband (45) can appreciate the aesthetics of a younger woman like Kelly Brook, but the women he really likes and admires are all around my age (40+) Nigella, Helena Bonham Carter and Rachel Weisz spring to mind.

Any man who goes for women young enough to be his daughter is extremely creepy and suspect imho.

Your DP is talking bollocks I'm afraid.

CatIsSleepy · 22/08/2010 20:15

OP, it doesn't sound like your dh has much respect for you or he wouldn't be so hurtful

he is perhaps making excuses for a part of your relationship which is lacking

I think you deserve someone who values you more

chattymitchy · 22/08/2010 20:25

the whole thing about biology is not true either - it's bandied around as a reason why arsehole older men try to satisfy their enormous egos by bedding younger women, but fundamentally, the older a guy gets, the less likely his sperm are to be healthy and fertile. It's just not true that most men could father healthy babies in their old age.

susiedaisy · 22/08/2010 20:35

Well even if most men would go for younger women, due to a procreaction throw back theory from the caveman days, the fact is most of them dont stand a chance of having a long term relationship with a girl half their age, its not impossible but not as common as they would like us to think, and from what i can see of it quite often when a young girl is with a much older man she has father figure issues. IMO.

Remotew · 22/08/2010 20:39

I know lots of couples both in their 40's that have had no trouble conceiving.

I think younger women go with older men for security and in the hope that they will be grateful and not stray.

I think older women, who are financially independent and still have 'it' go with younger men because they can. Grin

MaamRuby · 22/08/2010 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

singledomisgood · 22/08/2010 20:49

From a biological point of view, a younger woman would choose a YOUNG man (as young as possible) in order to get the best quality sperm to reproduce. So Im afraid in that sense your DH is redundant.

Your DH sounds like a tosser to say such hurtful things to you.

runoutofnameideas · 22/08/2010 21:02

He is mega rational and wouldn't get upset by anything like this himself so obviously hasn't contemplated that it might not be a nice thing for me to hear.

OP posts:
omaoma · 22/08/2010 21:08

um.... popular biological reductionism is a lot of deeply extrapoloated, generally misogynist claptrap as far as i'm concerned. But if he wants to push the point about evolution of sexuality, he might want to consider that most anthropological and scientific investigation seems to show that, unsurprisingly, young women are just as attracted to young men for their youth and virility as old men are to them, and the same evidence shows that just as many women cheat as men. ergo, the old trope about the elderly man with his trophy wife, and the kids that are actually children of the pool boy, is a trope for a reason. and makes complete evolutionary sense if you think about it.

omaoma · 22/08/2010 21:08

extrapolated! sorry

DinahRod · 22/08/2010 21:17

He's disguising his so-called "honesty" as a way to wound you and to possibly to give himself permission/alert you to his future actions. Has a high opinion of himelf as stud, does he? Hmm

omaoma · 22/08/2010 21:21

Also re your explanation that he is 'mega rational' and doesn't get hurt by these things himself - even very autistic people have proved capable of learning how to express themselves without hurting others. He needs to grow up and consider he is not centre of the universe. I suspect he would be quite hurt if you left tomorrow and sued for divorce and 50% of his pension.

morganbuffay · 22/08/2010 21:23

Pffft. Does he think it's somehow different for men?!

Why doesn't he follow his argument to its "logical" conclusion and conclude that he's lucky you're still with him instead of chasing after twenty-five year olds!

morganbuffay · 22/08/2010 21:35

Oh and I know several young-ish men - married and single - who prefer older women to young girls. Please don't let him make you feel bad about yourself over this.

rednosedays · 22/08/2010 21:40

I think it is becoming more and more socially acceptable for there to be a big age gap but with the woman as the much older partner.

I know several married couples where there is an age gap of 15 years (and more) with the woman the older partner. They have been together for ages. I know of another couple where the man left his (10+ years older) wife for another woman who was older still.

Also, some of the divorced/separated female friends I have now in their 40s are having a great time dating much younger men - sometimes not much older than their children...

Speckledeggy · 22/08/2010 22:19

How very hurtful.

My XP was quite a bit older than me. When he went out with friends, they all used to think they had a chance with the young girls in their twenties. However, I remember being out when I was younger and being chatted up by all the 'old blokes'. They never had a chance! Even now I laugh at the size of his ego - deluded old fool!

runoutofnameideas · 22/08/2010 22:34

He is quite good looking I suppose and does look young for his age.

Well, apart from the thinning hair. Maybe he fancies his chances ha ha.

He said "Men of up to 45 or 50 are programmed to fancy or be attracted to women of 25 or 10."

Oh dear he has just given me the Sarkozy Bruni relationship as an example!

OP posts:
ThatDamnDog · 22/08/2010 22:39

So does he genuinely have no fear of you finding him unattractive? Hasn't it crossed his blinkered little mind that programming aside these young girls might not be queuing up for him?

forehead · 22/08/2010 22:39

Give him the Ashton Kutchner and Demi Moore
relationship as an example.
By the way, have you told him about this thread.?

morganbuffay · 22/08/2010 22:44

Carla Bruni is 42. Younger than 55 year old Sarkozy, sure, but she's surely not the fertile young thing he has in mind for the older man...

morganbuffay · 22/08/2010 22:49

Oh - give him the example of Sam Taylor-Wood and her young man, Aaron Johnson is it, Johnston? They are engaged and have just had a baby - she is in her 40s, he is 19 or 20. He seems to think the world of her.

said · 22/08/2010 22:50

"He says he thinks it's important to tell the truth" - oh I hate people who say this. Why is it?

winnybella · 22/08/2010 22:58

DP just said that in a purely physical sense, a 25 year old will be more attractive to him that a 40 yo, for example.

But apparently a 40 yo will be more interesting, so may well be more attractive than a 25 yo, iyswim.

Hmm
runoutofnameideas · 22/08/2010 23:00

More: "All the leading men in history - napolean, lenin etc have had younger women"

OP posts:
winnybella · 22/08/2010 23:01

God, he's still talking about it?