Do all men think like this about 'older' women - warning controversial!

[runoutofnameideas]

DH and I have been having problems. Long story but all of the spark has gone.

Anyway, as part of a wider discussion, he was talking a lot about how men are pre-programmed to go for younger women and that as women get old we have to be attractive in other ways etc. etc. That women of 40 or 45 can't typically compete with younger ones of say 25 and if it were on physical appearance alone, men would go for younger(other than a few exceptions - I suppose e.g. demi moore)

On and on. He said stuff like and that's why women BBC presenters get dropped at 50 and so many older men have younger wives and it's all a biological imperative as men traditionally are still be fertile but women aren't.

He reckons most middle aged men don't think about their wives whilst having sex with them and are really thinking about someone else.

He says he thinks it's important to tell the truth and lots of people must be going through the motions when they don't really fancy each other.

I can sort of (very sadly) see his point but it is so horrid to think this is true and I'm destined to have had it shortly.

I am exhausted and so sad he thinks like this.
Opinions please!

I'd see a solicitor if I were you, run. I wouldn't want to live with some arsehole who belittles me and acts like he's doing me a favour by staying with me for any amount of money in the world.

Interesting that the men your DH refers to are all wealthy types. Im guessing that might be a factor in their ability to attract younger pretty (i doubt they go for the ugly ones) women?!

And Im guessing that these womens' personality and intelligence was not part of the attraction.

These same men who used their wealth to get a woman, are the same ones who in the future will be complaining that their money has been 'stolen' from them when they divorce...

Dawkins is hardly a saint but he has been married to his third wife for 18 years or so, just over the length of time he was married to his first wife - and Lalla Ward is only 10 years younger than him, so that hardly is a case of trophy wifedom either. I don't believe the Selfish Gene says anything of the sort that the OP's husband makes out - unless he can quote chapter and verse? I'm not trying to defend Dawkins for Dawkins' sake, just sick of misunderstood evodevo bollocks being peddled for sexist purposes.

OP, your husband is a sexist twunt. I'm with Edam amongst others. Biological imperative my arse.

Oh I might have been unfair on mr d then. 18 years is fairly impressive. I was taught by him (and the first mrs d) but many years ago before marriage to wife number 3. He had a bit of a reputation. It may not have been fair! :o

agree your dh is rather misunderstanding the selfish gene. Especially the part women play in choosing mates. We're hardly the passive receptacles your dh seems to think we are.

"Apparently he is worried that I don't accept that this is the way the world works. "

He is a nasty bully.

There is so much wrong with this sentence alone:

1. First of all, he is faking concern to cover his attempt to coerce you into agreeing with him

1. His supposed concern is patronising and disrespectful - you are a grown woman (which apparently is a problem for him, the creepy old perv) and can make your decisions about how the world works

1. He needs you to "accept" his version of the world in order to validate his hateful views

Really, this guys is a complete and utter bastard. Protect yourself from him. He is no good for you. Don't grow old with someone like this. You deserve more.

This doesn't make sense...everyone wants a partner they personally find attractive,different for different people.
I can see in a photo a young man may be good looking but woud not want to have a sexual relationship with a man less that 35...because I don't feel like it and I am 47

I am very attractive atm...oh not to your prat of a husband but I can see thru him a mile off...he hasn't got a clue.
I have a better figure than I had 5 or 10 years ago,have a few wrinkles but I see them as my true face and show my life experience but am very pretty..am post menopausal,post 3 children and am really not interested in having a relationship with some egotistical guy who thinks he is superior to a woman the same age..There are NO RULES !!!
He is not representing men...men absolutely love me atm ...the key word here is relationship..lots of different types of these but they should all be affirming and enhancing and you H is abusing you badly in some weird pseudo scientific crappy way.
He hasn't got a clue,take no notice of him and get rid beause he has not put your feelings first.
Prat...not very bright I'm afraid

Actually, the only two men I can think of in that demographic, i.e. middle-aged wealthy and successful men who left their wives for another woman, both left their wives for a woman of the same age. One man in particular cannot keep his hands off his 50-something new wife. I very much doubt he is thinking of young girls in bed.

Sorry to be so blunt but your husband is a selfish wanker IMO.

Be very careful. He may be using these type of arguments to put you down and make you feel bad whilst justifying to himself why he should move on to someone else. Unfortunatley this is very comon in men thinking about straying or having affairs. I have been on the receiving end of this myself from my ex and its not nice.

I am a lone parent of 46 and by his reckoning am romantically finished. but there are men out there who would rather date a fit, sorted 40 something who has had her family than a 30 something looking for someone to provide for her. And some of them are quite fit even

Perhaps your "rational" DH should read this en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evolutionary_psychology_controversy.

Or you could point out that if he insists on using evolutionary physchology as the basis of your relationship that you should then use him as your stable, older partner, but shag young creative men on the sly when you are ovulating to make the most of their superior genes.

Perhaps you could point your husband to read this - a message I received today from a 27-year-old (I am 46, mother of two)- "you so so very beautiful woman , very much beautiful , you look much younger than your age , and wonderful are the guys where you living blinds or crazy? " blah blah blah.

I get these quite a lot (as do most over-40s on dating sites) and am pretty sure that the young men in question are only after one thing but obviously as I and others can attest, young men do find older women attractive - I feel that your 'rational' husband knows nothing and is using his disgusting views to undermine your self-esteem - and maybe because he is preparing to replace you with a younger model and trying to justify that to himself.

I would consult a solicitor if he were my husband - and do as MrsTittle suggests as well!

OP - I don't think raising this on a discussion board that is predominantly populated by women is going to produce anything other outrage.

I think you should ask a men's discussion board, something like Men's Health etc, for a more accurate reflection of what men think.

I fear all you will get here is an indication of what women wished men thought, which is quite a different thing altogether.

Barmyarmy - are you this much of a tosser in real life?
Do you just pop in to stir things up?

I think you'll find that those of us with decent men know exactly how and what they think, funnily enough they actually communicate!

The only thing she'll be wishing is that she'd seen a solicitor early to get rid of this tosser.

Why do so many younger women marry much older men, or even men who are only 10 years older? Could it be the weird magnetic attraction of the wallet?...

Isn't there supposed to be some formula determining the perfect age-gap? Like the woman's age is half the man's age plus 7 years or something?...

DW is 10 days older than me. We seem to manage :)

'Could it be the weird magnetic attraction of the wallet?...'

Never, UQD! Surely it's due to the wonderful nature of these mature mens' personalities and no other reason. Such men are just too wonderful to be had by just one, tired, old, haggard woman!

Malificence - I simply think that if you want to know what men think on an issue, you should ask men.

Why is that so controversial?

If you want to know what women think of men's behaviour, then ask women.

I guess I misunderstood the original post - apologies.

I don't get this at all

do people really have a whole comprehensive policy underpinning who they fancy?

I don't have any generalised views on "older men" or "younger women"

dh is 8 months younger than me

doesn't matter to anyone apart from his mother

BarmyArmy. You wish.

UQD I think it might have a lot to do with different life stages, less so now but definitely in times gone by a man might have had to wait to establish himself professionally before marrying, whereas a woman in those times, not having the same career expectations/opportunities, would be more likely to be ready to marry and start a family any time after leaving school. The only young-ish couple I know corresponds to this pattern (she was never interested in a career), whereas the other couples I know where the man is significantly older are of an older generation.

Yes, it is a bit of "traditionalist" approach. You have to fancy the person you marry on some level, though - only a very small minority of people marry purely for money and/or status, surely?

x post BarmyArmy, yeah I agree asking men is a good idea, but this is not a thread about what women 'wish' but what we have seen with our own eyes.

(sorry that should have read 'the only young-ish couple I know where the man is significantly older than the woman'!)

morganbuffay - fair enough. I guess I can see the value in chatting about it on here but there does seem to be rather a lot of belittling and ridiculing what this man apparently said.

I guess, to balance that up, I was thinking it might be worth hearing things straight from the horse's mouth.

FWIW, I think we should steer clear of conflating 2 issues here...as appears to be happening - those of individual tastes vs general preferences.

We are all individuals, with our own good and bad points, likes and dislikes etc, anyone of which can over-ride the more general point that we all have aspects over which we have no control - our age, for one!

For me, the most attractive woman in my life is my fiancee.

That said, would I prefer to browse through a collection of photos of 22yr olds, over 32 or 42 etc? Yes, I would.

I think many man would think similarly.

That said, there are many things very attractive about 'older women', in that they have more confidence, know their own mind, what they like etc.

Many women above a certain age are incredibly attractive - as individuals.

But, as a group, the younger women are more attractive.

Sorry

Haven't read all posts but no, not all men think like that. Some do, some don't. FWIW my DH prefers older women and is not attracted to younger ones, he feels it's pervy to keep liking younger women as he gets older. That's his opinion. He feels bit sick when all the guys at work chat about the younger female staff members.

There's that joke isn't there where a man gets three wishes and so ends up with alone with pamela anderson on a desert island etc. Last wish she gets turned into a bloke so man get tell him who he has just shagged. Think lots of men get turned on by the prestige of being with women that they know others are going to find attractive.

OK BarmyArmy but I'm sure most women would rather look at photos of 22yr old men than 42yr olds too! I think there's still this myth out there that men get more attractive with age, when in physical terms I just don't think that is any more true of men than it is of women (though of course many people, men or women, are at their most attractive at an older age).