Do all men think like this about 'older' women - warning controversial!

[runoutofnameideas]

DH and I have been having problems. Long story but all of the spark has gone.

Anyway, as part of a wider discussion, he was talking a lot about how men are pre-programmed to go for younger women and that as women get old we have to be attractive in other ways etc. etc. That women of 40 or 45 can't typically compete with younger ones of say 25 and if it were on physical appearance alone, men would go for younger(other than a few exceptions - I suppose e.g. demi moore)

On and on. He said stuff like and that's why women BBC presenters get dropped at 50 and so many older men have younger wives and it's all a biological imperative as men traditionally are still be fertile but women aren't.

He reckons most middle aged men don't think about their wives whilst having sex with them and are really thinking about someone else.

He says he thinks it's important to tell the truth and lots of people must be going through the motions when they don't really fancy each other.

I can sort of (very sadly) see his point but it is so horrid to think this is true and I'm destined to have had it shortly.

I am exhausted and so sad he thinks like this.
Opinions please!

For offending you, swc, I apologise

Although, if you read my post I was making a distinction between self-absorbed twattery and the lack of empathy some people on the spectrum may display. I put it very badly though, as my intention was not to upset anyone.

I am 45 and not beautiful not am I model-like in physique. The last two men I have slept with have both been 28, both extremely fit and handsome and amazing lovers.

Older women are interesting, sexy and know what they want in bed. Your husband is a muppet. I recommend a fling with a younger man - you'll get your vavavoom back in no time and realise what a sad dry old husk your husband really is.

Making the woman or man you purport to love feel unattractive is unforgivable in my opinion. Being loved should make you feel great about yourself, not destroy your self confidence.

Haven't read the whole thread, but I do agree with what your DH says about men being instinctively drawn towards young (and therefore fertile) women. However, because we are civilised and educated (unlike our animal cousins) we should be able to overcome our instinctive desires, in order to live happily within our culture structure. It sounds as though your DH is trying to justify how he feels, and not realising that he should put his efforts into a differEnt kind of relationship to the ones he had in his teens and twenties; a close and loving partnership rather than one based on sexual desire.
I hope you manage to work things out.

I also find it incredible that he seems to think he is in a unique and unprecedented position, in finding young sexy people er sexy. Someone needs to tell him that everyone thinks this, before he starts writing a novel about it and becomes Updike or something.

OP, you sound lovely and your husband really does not deserve you if he honestly thinks like this.

Yes, there are men out there who think that they are pre-programmed to fancy only young women, but these are usually seedy types who end up strutting their paunch in leather trousers and ultimately looking ridiculous. Does your DH really aspire to being like that?

It sounds like he's having a midlife crisis, and if I were you I'd set him straight on a few things. If he is pre-justifying a future affair, I'd remind him of what he stands to lose if he does. His loving family home - does he really want to risk that? And do you want to be with someone who would want to?

I'd also tell him what others on here have said - that women tend to want to sleep with people who make them feel good about themselves, not ones who openly say they're thinking about someone else.

You deserve better, tbh.

Plenty of younger men fancy older women BTW. I am in my 40s and when I scrub myself up a bit I often pull young, lithe, fit men who are far better looking, etc, than the ones I pulled in my 20s...

I got checked out, seriously checked out, at the petrol station today by a bloke about 15 years younger than me.

If I had given him any encouragement at all, he would have been in there

Just sayin'

Well your son is only 3. When you have lived with an adult who has Asperger Syndrome you might feel there is a grey area. It's not as black and white for me. I want to leap to the defence of people on the spectrum as well (as my son is) but I can objectively recognise the outcome unrecognised and unsupported AS disorders might have on an adult and how that would affect an adult relationship.

Ladbybiscuit - you are naughty! You might start a stampede of married ladies of a certain age away from their dull, boring husks of husbands and into the bronzed and caring arms of a muscled 25 year old Adonis!

OP I hope you sort things out one way or another, it's horrible if your partner is making you feel unattractive.

"I also find it incredible that he seems to think he is in a unique and unprecedented position, in finding young sexy people er sexy. Someone needs to tell him that everyone thinks this, before he starts writing a novel about it and becomes Updike or something."

Elephants

"He says he thinks it's important to tell the truth and lots of people must be going through the motions when they don't really fancy each other."

When someone says it's important to tell the truth, they're probably lying about something.

"Lots of people must be..." = rationalisation.

You need to find out the name of the younger woman he's sleeping with.

You need to dig deeper. There's no smoke without fire.

yes math

he is sleeping with, or paving the way to sleeping with, a younger woman

Totally see where your thinking is coming from.
I've asked him and asked him and he says no but clearly he wouldn't necessarily say.

Will keep an eye out for suspicious behaviour.

'he thinks' 'he thinks' 'he thinks'

It's his opinion and he's attempting to pass it off as a widely held one - with nothing to bsack that up - to make you feel bad.

Ignore it.

That's true hairytriangle. And the way he sees the World is becoming really distorted because he needs to believe that the rest of the World believes with him. His truth is definitely not the truth.

agrees with him sorry, not believes with him.