Do all men think like this about 'older' women - warning controversial!

[runoutofnameideas]

DH and I have been having problems. Long story but all of the spark has gone.

Anyway, as part of a wider discussion, he was talking a lot about how men are pre-programmed to go for younger women and that as women get old we have to be attractive in other ways etc. etc. That women of 40 or 45 can't typically compete with younger ones of say 25 and if it were on physical appearance alone, men would go for younger(other than a few exceptions - I suppose e.g. demi moore)

On and on. He said stuff like and that's why women BBC presenters get dropped at 50 and so many older men have younger wives and it's all a biological imperative as men traditionally are still be fertile but women aren't.

He reckons most middle aged men don't think about their wives whilst having sex with them and are really thinking about someone else.

He says he thinks it's important to tell the truth and lots of people must be going through the motions when they don't really fancy each other.

I can sort of (very sadly) see his point but it is so horrid to think this is true and I'm destined to have had it shortly.

I am exhausted and so sad he thinks like this.
Opinions please!

Forehead - no, should I? Or get it deleted after?

More what? Is that from your H?

He has a very high opnion of himself, doesn't he - seeing himself as on a par with world leaders

Anyway, Napoleons wife (love matchfirst ) was 6 years old than him.

runoutofnameideas, your H is being nasty, not honest. Cruelty disguised as honesty is a noxious, loathsome trick.

Besides which at 40 odd, you are not past it.

yes more was from him.

I an not sure that showing him the thread would make a blind bit of difference tbh. He seems to have set ideas about this issue. I do believe that you NEED to take back some control as i sincerely believe that he wants you to feel that he is doing you a favour by staying with you. However, you are the one doing him the favour, because he sounds like a plonker. I think you may be coming across as a bit desperate and that is why he is taking the piss. I know women who are not traditionally beautiful, but think that they are he dog's bollocks and therefore have men eating out of their hands.
OP, i think you need to build up your self esteem and take care of yourself, rather than waiting for your dh to validate your existence.

Forgive me i have had a lot ot drink but your husband is being a fucking twat.

i think it boils down to - nice people don't treat people they love like shit.

hes not nice, get yourself a fella who is - then shag his arse off

What Custardo said.

I'm now quite drunk so I feel free to say your DH is an arse.

FWIW I have been with DH for 15 yrs and that entire time he has held a candle for Susan from Neighbours and she must be 20 yrs older than me. Apparently Hilary clinton is quite fit too and she is nearly as old as my mum.

Your husband is an arrogant, deluded, selfish, stupid arse. And that's putting it mildly. His understanding of human psychology and evolution is about as sophisticated as someone who thinks 2 + 2 = 22.

What Edam said.

He is talking utter crap. Up to the age of 50, I was very fit & toned - and fighting off 20-year-olds! Five years on, a lot of muddy water under my bridge, I'm lardy & dowdy and STILL get tapped up on a regular basis. Therefore, "all men" don't feel the way your H says. Not by a long chalk.

My dad used this argument to make my mother feel like shit. It kept her where he wanted her.

All those men were powerful and rich. Coincidence? Made sense from an economical point of view for those women.

I dont see many 20something girls with Joe the binman or Bob the roadsweeper in my town.

Also, as more women in celebland have become wealthy, so too has their ability to attract young men.

He said stuff like and that's why women BBC presenters get dropped at 50 and so many older men have younger wives and it's all a biological imperative as men traditionally are still be fertile but women aren't

Oh, I see your problem, OP. Your husband is a misogynist twat who believes in evopsych bollocks and also thinks it's fine to insult you in the name of "rationality" and "truth" - which defences, by the way, are classic weapons used by misogynist twats.

Or, what omaoma said in ehr brilliant posts.

ThatDamnDog's husband is right, as well. You'd not find it difficult to get a shag from a younger man, and I bet your husband knows that.

I don't think the argument that the rich and notorious often have younger partners 'because they can' is a good one.

I think in reality many of the people who are single-minded enough to become 'rich and powerful' do it out of an overwhelming need for external validation - other than for that external validation, their lives are often quite shit.

It's that same need that makes them want a young, impressionable partner whose main purpose in life will be to prop up his (usually) ego. It is telling that these relationships are rarely the kind of happy marriages that go the distance.

This is an excellent point, ib. Even if I could have a ripped 20 year old partner, I'd much rather have my husband, with similar years and life experiences to me.

op I have had a similiar conversation with my dh(tho he wasnt quite so blunt). I am mid 30s too and yes have put on a bit of weight,got cellulite but do try and make an effort with appearence.makes not a blind bit of difference.dh has no interest in me sexually and uses other means to satisfy himself(iugwim)!

I think there is an element of truth in what he says. If we are brutally honest most men would be with a younger woman. Is is quite rare for a man to run off with a woman 20 years older than him but often the reverse is common.

But to say it to you like he did is rather cruel and I am confused as to why he did that to you....

God he sounds an idiot.

Does he have any idea how shallow he sounds? Personally I could imagine fancying a man of more or less any age between 25 and 60 (I'm 39) but not if they're shallow.

When I was younger I only really liked young men. Rich older men came across as creepy.

Women sometimes end up with older men because they're ready to setlle down and the men they meet of their own age aren't ready for that yet. I'm not sure someone who'd just traded in his wife would be a particularly good candidate.

My eldest brother subscribes to this theory too.

But that's because he's a twat, not because it's true. He just cannot cope with an older woman, because she might have more intelligence/expectations/emotional intelligence than him. Lord knows what he's ging to do when his wife (who is actually lovely) hits 40. (BTW he is 51, she is 32).

If your H is 'mega rational', then he will have known exactly how wounding his words and behaviour will have been.

Ergo, he is a twat.

it's a lazy easy crass argument that appears to have been lifted from the more misogynist parts of the media. this rubbish is always trotted out and bears little resemblance to real life situations, as people on here are testifying to.

your dh seems to be pushing your buttons for his own agenda. don't let him. all this cod-biological crud is so depressingly wrong and not worth your worry.

errr I think he perhaps needs to be reminded that many women seem to reach their sexual peak in their 30's and that's why some women will go for younger more virile men.

Turn it around on the selfish git, give him a taste of his own analytical medicine.

He really is convinced it's right. Mr Dawkins apparently proves it all in The Selfish Gene book .

The whole conversation has been in the context of us trying to sort our relationship problems out.

I have told him some of the comments and examples on here and stood firm that if it was all purely down to physical appearance, yes some men would choose a 25 year old (but some wouldn't) but so would some women. I think IF it's true maybe to a minor extent, it is more equal between men and women than he thinks.

His whole ethos is "I wouldn't be upset by this so why should anyone else be". It's the rational truth to him. Apparently he is worried that I don't accept that this is the way the world works.

He did say that as relationships progress, because of all this decline in physical attraction, other aspects of the relationship need to compensate and wasn't suggesting that I'd be dumped as soon as I hit 45 or whatever but hey that's not much consolation.

Selfish gene wise women and men try to secure the best mate. So yes a man might go for a younger woman for her fertility but the woman will be trying to find someone to provide for her. So we're back to the rich man and the wife shagging the pool boy. That way she gets security for her children but the beauty genes and health of the pool boy.

It's all a bit reductionist though isn't it? And dressing it up as selfish gene theory doesn't hide his shallowness or emotional immaturity.

Of course Richard dawkins himself traded in for younger and prettier models and his first wife definitely possesses lots of brains. No idea about subsequent wives but they can't be any cleverer than his first. Increasing beauty of his wives is probably related to his fame/wealth rather than anything else. I doubt he's have got that far without a fat wallet. He's a bit awkward 1:1.

I have a theory, too.

This guy's a twunt.

And unless he's seriously rich and these younger women are seriously dump/ugly/desperate, he'll just come across as a creepy, pervy twunt instead of just a twunt.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

He brings it up again, get up, show him the hand and leave the room.

Saintly - are you the first Mrs D? You sound like you know him well .

Well the thing is dh works in a world with lots of wealthy types who do this and isn't badly off so he maybe thinks he could. He said he can think of loads of men we know whose second wives are much younger among people we know.

I did tell him that many of these women would merely be after their wealth and some extra diamonds.