Is this naughty behaviour?

[Mordekain]

I’m getting regular reports from 4yo DS’s school that he’s being badly behaved. For example he:

Chased another child with scissors going snip snip (yes this was naughty)

Roared like a dinosaur at the other children and didn’t stop when he was told to (is this really naughty?)

Threw a teddy bear at another child.

Sticks his face right in other kids faces and pulls a silly expression.

Gets frustrated when he struggles to change his clothes for PE and gets upset and shouts instead of just calmly asking for help.

Gets upset when asked to stop doing a task he’s enjoying or tidy up.

Honestly most of this just sounds like normal 4yo behaviour to me. Am I being too soft? Or are they whinging about nothing?

I'm sorry, but he needs to stop when he's asked to.

The throwing and not stopping roaring are him misbehaving.

The other things sound like him just being a 4 year old.

Remember that most children are much better behaved at school than at home. My two are apparently delightful, model children at school…we have been known to wonder if the teacher was talking about the same child.

Year 1 teacher

I think the only one of those that is even slightly understandable is changing for PE. I'm not surprised you're being spoken to! Imagine if the whole class behaved in that way.

You need to teach your child to behave ASAP otherwise he's going to be labelled the naughty one and it could become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Also don't be that parent. Trust the school. They wouldn't waste their time bothering you if it wasn't an issue.

First four are (on the face of it) 'naughty'.

Last two are not typical for a 4 year old.

I would wonder if there was something underlying the behaviour though - does he find transitions hard? Does he find it hard to regulate his emotions? Does he find social situations with other children difficult or confusing, does he understand personal space and what other children might be thinking/feeling?

They’re acting like he’s the Antichrist and I don’t think he’s really being that naughty. He’s four! And now they’re saying his naughtiness suggests autism - I don’t think being naughty is a symptom of autism?

Also has he not been to nursery? He should have learnt there that sometimes you have to stop what you're doing to tidy up. It's just the way it is some times.

If your child was in my class then yes I would be speaking to you about behaviour.

All naughty apart from the getting changed although he could ask for help quietly. The other things are all annoying to the other children.

My DC are not angels but I would be very embarrassed if school spoke to me about them behaving in this way. It’s simply not acceptable in the classroom.

He isn’t following the rules which keep 30 children safe, happy and learning. Either he hasn’t been taught appropriate behaviour which from your comments maybe the case or something else is going on.

I don’t think it’s naughty behaviour … I’m a trainee educational psychologist (emphasis on the trainee) and I would be wondering a bit about sensory issues re clothes (does this happen at home as well etc) and does he have trouble communicating his needs? Might wonder if he has trouble transitioning from tasks eg is he quite self directed? Also his way of communicating and interacting with other children might be puzzling the nursery a bit re expressions/roaring. None of this is
alarming or rare for that age group but they might just be flagging these things up to keep you aware they are monitoring which is a positive. None of these things are overly problematic in a nursery setting and might dissipate but they might be thinking forward to primary school which is more structured and less play based and be thinking about what support he might need?

Yes he attended nursery for his free 15 hours for 9 months before starting school. They didn’t seem concerned about him. Although they said he had a hard time mixing, because he’s an only child and prior to nursery he was isolated at home until he was nearly four because of Covid.

His teachers aren’t there to teach him to stop when asked. That needs to be something that happens at home. If he doesn’t it regularly at home then support school to use the strategies you use there.

Sounds like the sort of things my DS would have done at that age. And he was diagnosed with ASD at the age of 7.
He is now 25 with a Masters degree.

Sorry but speaking as a Reception teacher (and mum) that behaviour doesn’t sound great. Hopefully the teachers will be telling you so that you can all work together to ‘nip it in the bud’. Yes, he’s 4 but that’s old enough to follow basic instructions.

I spent 30 years as a School Nursery/Reception teacher and I can assure you this is not normal 4 year-old behaviour. One or two incidents like this might happen and the child would normally realise its not acceptable. If they were all behaving that way it would be impossible to teach a class of 30 and keep them safe.

Well he clearly stands out because the other kids understand stop or can do what they're told and he can't. So nothing to do with age.

It is true that isolation due to Covid has affected some children's social skills but it still needs addressing.

Might wonder if he has trouble transitioning from tasks eg is he quite self directed?
He’s an only child so he’s pretty much always just done what he wants, for as long as he wants. The only time we really make him stop doing something is bedtime, and he’s always been fine with it.

No he does not have sensory issues with clothes. No issues with speaking or communicating. But the only time he’s played with other kids is his weekly 15 hours at nursery which he attended since Jan 2022.

Can you imagine a class of 25 4 year olds who all behaved as you describe? How much learning would take place? Would it be a happy, safe environment that you'd want your child to be learning in?

He isn’t behaving like this at home. Apart from the roaring like a dinosaur which he plays a lot. I’ve spoken to him but the behaviour has repeated. And I’ve removed treats and tv and told him why, and he’s still misbehaved again. I’m at a loss.

I would take it as a positive sign that the school aren't just saying his behaviour is 'naughty', they're looking for the underlying reason.

His behaviour isn't typical, and the teacher/school will have known 100s of 4 year olds and can see that there might be something going on for this particular one. It's good that they want to explore that.

Yep it’s not “normal” four year old behaviour. It’s naughty or something else. My DD2 is a bit wild and likes to push boundaries. But she has never acted that way in school. When she is in school,she manages to respect authority figures and follow instructions. Can you imagine if all the class acted that way?? It would be bedlam.

You are focusing too much on the word 'naughty' here.
Perhaps try and look at it as 'struggling with knowing how to behave' and you might be less defensive.

As a pp said, the school would not be talking to you about his behaviours, if they weren't concerned.
You agree Nursery were concerned, but at that stage were willing to accept it might be previous lack of socialisation.
One big issue here is that he doesn't realise he needs to stop when he is told to.

And now they’re saying his naughtiness suggests autism - I don’t think being naughty is a symptom of autism?
AGain, it isn't 'naughty' but an inability to read social cues can be one thing that suggests further assessment could be helpful.
Remember that the school sees hundreds of children every year. They will have a 'feel' for when a child presents as there being an underlying concern, and when one is just a bit more lively. They have too much to do to waste their time with having difficult conversations with parents, if they don't have real cause for concern.
OF course, if he isn't overwhelmed, and doesn't have any difficulty with social skills or communication or understanding, then yes, his behaviour is poor.