Page 5 | Is this naughty behaviour?

Mordekain · 2022-10-14T20:40:10+00:00

I’m getting regular reports from 4yo DS’s school that he’s being badly behaved. For example he: Chased another child with scissors going snip snip (yes this was naughty) Roared like a dinosaur at the other children and didn’t stop when he was told to (is this really naughty?) Threw a teddy bear at another child. Sticks his face right in other kids faces and pulls a silly expression. Gets frustrated when he struggles to change his clothes for PE and gets upset and shouts instead of just calmly asking for help. Gets upset when asked to stop doing a task he’s enjoying or tidy up. Honestly most of this just sounds like normal 4yo behaviour to me. Am I being too soft? Or are they whinging about nothing?

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MilkToastHoney · 14/10/2022 23:09

Because I can’t be bothered to waste half an hour asking him ten times to put his socks on. I could put them on him in two seconds and not have the hassle.

That’s not typical behaviour. That’s exactly what I’m saying about you adapting how you parent/accommodating his struggles.
Absolutely nothing wrong with that if he is ND but it means when those adaptions aren’t available, he will display the behaviour the school is describing.

rattlemehearties · 14/10/2022 23:09

solidaritea · 14/10/2022 23:06

You have to ask him 10 times? That's not typical behaviour.

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She has to ask him 10 times at the moment as he thinks the world revolves around him and eventually she caves anyway and martyrs herself and her time to his whims.

It's really odd reading the OPS defensive replies, she really thinks she has been parenting for 4 years not just letting him do what he wants. He presumably throws sand at other kids in the park and she does nothing.

SarahAndQuack · 14/10/2022 23:09

solidaritea · 14/10/2022 23:06

You have to ask him 10 times? That's not typical behaviour.

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It totally is, though.

I mean, I could be wrong here. It might be that every single parent I've ever met is lying, and that all the readily-available memes about asking your small child to do something repeatedly, are also woefully unlikely. But on balance ... no, I reckon four-year-old needing to be asked to put their socks on ten times is absolutely, bang-on-the-line classic behaviour.

Original poster

Mordekain · 14/10/2022 23:10

NerrSnerr · 14/10/2022 23:06

Who are his school friends? Could you ask those?

I would also ask on a local FB page if anyone knows of any clubs for children with spaces.

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I don’t know their names. Or their parents. And if I invited them their parents would want to come too. And then I’d have to talk to their parents. I’m happy to have a child over to play with DS but I don’t want to do social interaction myself. I don’t like it.

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Oblomov22 · 14/10/2022 23:10

Christ almighty OP for a school to come out and say they think he has ASD traits is mahoosive. My ds1 they denied everything, kept insisting he was fine, even post diagnosis. Think carefully here.

careerchange456 · 14/10/2022 23:10

What exactly do you do with him at the weekend? Just play in the house all day with the occasional trip to the park? What did you do with him when he was home from nursery, because 15 hours doesn't occupy much of the week! How has he had so little interaction with others and with the world outside his home? And don't say covid because that's a bullshit excuse.

I agree with others that the issue is parenting. The school probably think that too but can hardly say that to you.

berksandbeyond · 14/10/2022 23:11

Fairly obvious how he's turned out the way he has to be honest

Is your child's other parent around?

rattlemehearties · 14/10/2022 23:12

SarahAndQuack · 14/10/2022 23:07

Im an early years teacher. My heart sinks when the parent says ‘Oh they’re only 3, they’re only 4 etc’ Do we really expect so little of our children?

Do you think it really is to do with expecting so little, though? I am going off on a tangent, but .. 3 or 4 is very little. In many countries, children are not in formal education at 4, or even 5. In many countries, it's not assumed that a 4 year old child will be starting to learn to read. But it's not clear that teaching a child to read early actually helps later outcomes. It's quite possible it only deprives that child of other experiences, and adds to the pressure on them. I think there are many ways in which we expect too much, not too little, of small children.

For years I taught at university, and I can tell you, it's very that a child who's been hothoused at age 3 turns out to have enough resilience to cope well.

But we're not talking about reading or hothousing! Everyone is referring to basic social skills and personal care i.e. getting himself dressed and not screaming in people's faces.

Original poster

Mordekain · 14/10/2022 23:13

Is your child's other parent around?
He works 7am-7pm. He’s around at weekends though.

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berksandbeyond · 14/10/2022 23:14

Mordekain · 14/10/2022 23:13

Is your child's other parent around?
He works 7am-7pm. He’s around at weekends though.

Is he less anti social? Would he take DS to soft play or on a play date?

Eeksteek · 14/10/2022 23:15

DelurkingAJ · 14/10/2022 21:44

Remember that most children are much better behaved at school than at home. My two are apparently delightful, model children at school…we have been known to wonder if the teacher was talking about the same child.

I have asked if the teachers could please send home the child that goes with the report, because I’ve never met her!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/10/2022 23:15

You don’t have time to teach him how to put his socks on. You don’t know any other children to come and play with and he just watches TV by himself because you’re too busy.

Well done, you’re either raising a very sad, lonely little boy or a sociopath. I’d report you to social services.

rattlemehearties · 14/10/2022 23:15

It's your duty to socialise your child into society even if you don't enjoy socialising yourself.

CaronPoivre · 14/10/2022 23:15

Poor child. You’ve set him up to fail. He needs to understand that the universe does not revolve around him - the sooner the better. You sound quite lazy in your parenting. You need to get him used to following routines, doing what he’s been told and considering others. Sometimes you say no.
He needs to mix with others outside of school to learn social norms. That might be mini-rugby, it might be swimming lessons or dance classes. What the activities are doesn’t really matter - it’s following rules,
listening, complying that are important life lessons.
if those structured activities are too expensive then take him to the park, to the beach or to a country park. Encourage him to engage with others.
Take the time to make sure he has basic life skills like dressing himself, using cutlery, managing the lavatory and similar things.
Not bothering is negligence.

rattlemehearties · 14/10/2022 23:17

CaronPoivre · 14/10/2022 23:15

Poor child. You’ve set him up to fail. He needs to understand that the universe does not revolve around him - the sooner the better. You sound quite lazy in your parenting. You need to get him used to following routines, doing what he’s been told and considering others. Sometimes you say no.
He needs to mix with others outside of school to learn social norms. That might be mini-rugby, it might be swimming lessons or dance classes. What the activities are doesn’t really matter - it’s following rules,
listening, complying that are important life lessons.
if those structured activities are too expensive then take him to the park, to the beach or to a country park. Encourage him to engage with others.
Take the time to make sure he has basic life skills like dressing himself, using cutlery, managing the lavatory and similar things.
Not bothering is negligence.

I agree, it's neglectful parenting but the OP thinks she's being indulgent and kind.

CantFindTheBeat · 14/10/2022 23:18

Mordekain · 14/10/2022 23:06

What do you do at weekends? Don't you go out and see people?
Not really. Like who? My parents go out at weekends so they’re unavailable, and we don’t have any siblings.

OP

if you're not modelling social interaction, friendships and good examples of behaviour, why do you think your son will be any better?

MilkToastHoney · 14/10/2022 23:19

I don’t know their names. Or their parents. And if I invited them their parents would want to come too. And then I’d have to talk to their parents. I’m happy to have a child over to play with DS but I don’t want to do social interaction myself. I don’t like it.

It’s incredibly unfair on your DS to not invite people over because you don’t like social interaction.
As parents we have to do a lot of things we don’t like because it’s in the best interests of our children.

Has he never had another child over for a play date?

Does he not socialise at all with any children outside school?
What about other adults, does he socialise at all with them outside school?

been and done it. · 14/10/2022 23:20

Mordekain · 14/10/2022 23:10

I don’t know their names. Or their parents. And if I invited them their parents would want to come too. And then I’d have to talk to their parents. I’m happy to have a child over to play with DS but I don’t want to do social interaction myself. I don’t like it.

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And there you have it.

Original poster

Mordekain · 14/10/2022 23:21

What exactly do you do with him at the weekend? Just play in the house all day with the occasional trip to the park? What did you do with him when he was home from nursery, because 15 hours doesn't occupy much of the week! How has he had so little interaction with others and with the world outside his home?
He went to nursery 9-11.30. Then my mum picked him up and played with him until 2pm at her house. Then I picked him up and we went to the park or watched a movie or painted or played cars etc, and sometimes we visited my Dad. Weekends are pretty much the same - we watch a bit of tv, my husband and I play with him, he plays by himself, maybe we go on a day trip to a farm or museum or something. However from early 2020 to summer 2021 we saw nobody because I’m CEV and I couldn’t go out until I’d had two vaccinations.

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Original poster

Mordekain · 14/10/2022 23:23

Does he not socialise at all with any children outside school?
No. I don’t know anyone with children.

What about other adults, does he socialise at all with them outside school?
He sees my parents. DH’s parents are dead and we don’t have any siblings.

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Hercisback · 14/10/2022 23:24

So he never sees you interact with friends? No wonder he doesn't know how to interact well with others.

Do you have any friends locally you could meet up with?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/10/2022 23:26

You have got to get out and start socialising this child.

berksandbeyond · 14/10/2022 23:26

I find that hard to believe that you don't know a single other soul with children but putting that to one side.

You have to find these people! Go to a local soft play, a place of worship, a library rhyme time. Sign him up for football or ballet or drama or tennis - it doesn't matter what the activity is.

And yes you'll need to talk to people. Suck it up. You chose to have a child - raise him.

SarahAndQuack · 14/10/2022 23:28

rattlemehearties · 14/10/2022 23:12

But we're not talking about reading or hothousing! Everyone is referring to basic social skills and personal care i.e. getting himself dressed and not screaming in people's faces.

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Well, I did point out it was a tangent?

But, actually, I don't actually think there is a huge gulf, at age 4, between the skills needed for getting dressed independently and the skills for reading. I have known many four-year-olds who could begin to read, but couldn't manage buttons, or had tantrums because they'd been asked to put their knickers on. It's not unusual.

It is hothousing to make your four-year-old child act above their age - whether that's in skills we'd later see as 'academic' or just practical personal care.

I do see that the OP keeps adding information that makes it sound more and more likely she does think her child has autism, and perhaps I took the first post more literally than it was intended. But I also think there are lots of posts on this thread that are just ridiculous.

MilkToastHoney · 14/10/2022 23:29

No. I don’t know anyone with children.

He went to nursery though? Surely he was friends with at least one/two of the children there? It’s really usual to not meet up at the park/soft play or have them round on a play date? Even if you don’t do it often because you hate it but occasionally?

Does he go with you if you meet a friend for coffee or whatever?
Are your mum and dad the only adults he’s ever interacted with?

Has he never been to a little club/class - gymnastics/toddler music class/swimming lessons/cubs etc?
Again to never ever go to any baby group/class/meet with other kids is really, really unusual.
Children leaning to interact with other children and adults is hugely important. It’s important to do this when they are little so not to cause lifelong problems.