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Pregnancy choices

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23 weeks pregnant found out father is married

477 replies

Soconfusedandsadx · 18/09/2023 10:25

NC for this but I've been on mumsnet a while.
I'm completely heartbroken.
I had no idea.
I am 22 weeks pregnant and received a message last week from my partner's wife!! Someone messaged her and told her her husband is having an affair and all about me.

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.
Turns out he is still married. He told me he was separated. 😢
I don't think I can continue my pregnancy alone. And the baby will be a reminder of what I have done and what he is.
I can have an abortion this week but I am on the cusp. I have been to Marie Stopes and had my initial consultation. I know the baby's sex and I have chosen a name. I can feel the baby moving.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I don't think I can have this child.
I am so angry and so sad and just feeling so stupid. I don't know what to do.
Please no horrible comments. I'm broken.
How can I have this child in this situation? I am already a single mum to three children from my now ended marriage.
I can't stop crying. I can't see a way out. I don't want to abort but mentally I am not strong enough to carry on with this pregnancy now. I don't think mentally i am strong enough to abort.

I was meant to have my abortion prep today and my surgery tomorrow but I've caught covid from my kids and they cancelled my appointment so now it's Thursday for my prep and Friday for surgery.
I'm under the care of my GP and I am also scheduled to see the perinatal mental health team next week as I have long standing mental health problems.
I've got to put my three children and myself ahead of this baby but I feel broken.
If you've got this far thank you for reading. I'm not sure if I have even posted this in the right section. Please feel free to report and ask to move if so. Thank you.

OP posts:
PansyP · 18/09/2023 12:26

I think his wife should know about the baby and how far along you are. She should know the position he has left you in.

CherryMaDeara · 18/09/2023 12:26

Honestly there should be an easier way for women to check if the man they're dating is actually unmarried.

Sorry OP Flowers

Honeybu · 18/09/2023 12:26

Have the baby if you really want a baby please please don’t go through abortion if you’re not sure

MrsSlocombesCat · 18/09/2023 12:27

YaWeeFurryBastard · 18/09/2023 11:11

Really sorry for the situation you’ve found yourself in OP and also sorry for the nasty individuals who have come onto your thread to try and guilt you out of having a perfectly legal abortion.

I can completely understand how torn you feel as neither option will be easy and of course you have three existing children to think of. It’s entirely your decision and a very difficult one to make, but please don’t let strangers on the internet guilt you into anything.

They’re not being nasty, just pointing out the very real emotional risk of having a termination at this late stage. OP needs to be really strong to get through it, I know how abortions affect women even when they have felt certain it’s what they want. Counselling will be needed and emotional support.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 18/09/2023 12:28

Personally I wouldn’t tell the wife. She’s not going to make your life easier. Eventually she’ll need to know if you go ahead with it but not now.

Tina8800 · 18/09/2023 12:28

Rosscameasdoody · 18/09/2023 12:15

This is not the only reason for the termination, there are several, including the OP’s fragile mental health - re-read the OP because it’s clear from your post that you haven’t already. She’s not punishing her baby, she’s trying to do what’s right for her and her children, and she posted for advice, not judgment.

I did read it!
Considering termination isn't a problem. Considering termination because your partner isn't who you thought he was, is a problem for me.
It is a difficult situation to be in, but giving a horrible man this much power over your own feelings and body is never going to be acceptable by me. It is not a judgement it is an opinion!

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 18/09/2023 12:29

The wife doesnt know about the baby, just about me.

Whatever you do about this pregnancy, please tell her that he made you pregnant if you know who she is. You both need STI tests and it would be informative for her to have concrete evidence (like, I dunno, a copy of the twelve week scan) that her "D"H can't even be bothered to protect her health from STIs by using a condom when he cheats. Plus I'm vindictive enough to want him to really hurt for what he's done, were I in your position.

I have no "right" answer on the pregnancy decision other than that it is your body and your choice until the time limit and it is not your responsibility to save his marriage. Do what you need for you, not him and not the baby. And he will owe you child maintenance if you keep it. I wonder what his wife will make of that?

Consider that adoption will mean rhw heartache of surrendering your child and then expecting a phone call or letter from that child from his/her 18th birthday until the day you die.

To the PP who talked about using the pregnancy to trap a man into commitment, piss off with your misogyny. If a man doesn't want kids, he should keep it zipped, get the snip, or use a condom. Other than in the vanishingly-rare case of a Section Four sexual assault, a man can only be "trapped" if he chose to risk starting off the pregnancy in the first place.

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 18/09/2023 12:29

Of course he wants you to have an abortion now that he’s been found out. He doesn’t have to go through the process or own up to his wife about the true extent of his deceit. You have an abortion is the east road for him. But his feelings don’t matter now, he has deceived you and his wife.

Both, having an abortion at this stage and keeping the baby will have a big impact on your life and potentially worsen your mental health. Only you can say which will have the worse impact on you. You need to do what is right for you. I think your best course of action is seeing if Marie Stopes can discuss it with you and help you to reach a conclusion that you feel is least worst outcome.

OhComeOnFFS · 18/09/2023 12:29

Didn't he talk to you about having a termination before now? How did he think a baby would work out for him?

Did anyone in the office know you were dating? If so why wouldn't they know you were 22 weeks pregnant?

ohdamnitjanet · 18/09/2023 12:29

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WorkingOnMyMindset · 18/09/2023 12:30

CherryMaDeara · 18/09/2023 12:26

Honestly there should be an easier way for women to check if the man they're dating is actually unmarried.

Sorry OP Flowers

This.

OnedayIwillfeelfree · 18/09/2023 12:31

You alone must choose. Please try not to let him/his life/feelings/job/wife enter into the equation. This is about you, your children, and a new baby, if you choose that. Remove him from the equation. You are not responsible for his feelings.

Anyotherdude · 18/09/2023 12:31

Oh you poor thing - that is awful. I have been in a similar position and opted for head AND heart over heart alone. Neither choice is easy, but I didn’t want to ever feel that I might end up regretting having or not loving the baby because of its father. I decided that my existing DC needed me more, but you have to make that decision yourself 💐

Imogensmumma · 18/09/2023 12:31

I have no advice as I don’t even know what I would do in your situation.

I just wanted to say my heart is breaking for you OP reading your posts. What a horrible position he has put you in.

Take time and eat lots of chocolate good luck with whatever decision you decide.

PonkyPonky · 18/09/2023 12:32

I’ve had a very late termination and I can tell you it is the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s not a walk in the park at all and you will think about it for the rest of your life. But I still do feel that I did the right thing and I am many many years down the line now. I was in a very very similar situation to yours and it was the right thing for me at that time. Just please prepare yourself for the difficulty of it and find someone to confide in if you can

donkra · 18/09/2023 12:33

CherryMaDeara · 18/09/2023 12:26

Honestly there should be an easier way for women to check if the man they're dating is actually unmarried.

Sorry OP Flowers

It wouldn't have helped in this case; his story was always that he was legally married still, just that the marriage was morally and practically over. Most lying married men say the same thing, because it helps them explain away evidence of the marriage.

Rosscameasdoody · 18/09/2023 12:33

Tina8800 · 18/09/2023 12:28

I did read it!
Considering termination isn't a problem. Considering termination because your partner isn't who you thought he was, is a problem for me.
It is a difficult situation to be in, but giving a horrible man this much power over your own feelings and body is never going to be acceptable by me. It is not a judgement it is an opinion!

I have nothing to add other than to re-read the OP because you are still clinging to the notion that she’s only considering the termination because the baby will be a reminder. That’s not the case. There are several other reasons, including her mental health and the fact that she is already a single mum of three.

Bored1000 · 18/09/2023 12:33

What a stressful situation to be in.

I personally couldn’t go through with an abortion at this stage even if I wanted to.

I would definitely let his wife know about the pregnancy and how far gone you are,

This man will have to pay maintenance in the future whether he likes it or not, Would you get decent maintenance from him/ Is he a high earner?

The baby was conceived in a loving relationship at the time ( albeit a deceitful one) so I would think you could bring yourself to love it.

Lifecanbebeautiful12 · 18/09/2023 12:34

Firstly I want to say that the shame is not yours to carry. It is his. These kind of men are born liars and manipulators, even the most intelligent, independent, savvy women can be fooled. What he’s done is not a reflection of you at all, it is simply his character. Google to fable of the scorpion and the frog.

Secondly, I have been through almost the same situation albeit actually worse. I looked into an abortion at 18 weeks for the same reasons. After I read about what actually happens in a late stage abortion, I couldn’t do it. I think it’s unfair for PPs to say other posters are trying to guilt you out of an abortion - I don’t think that is the case. They are rightly pointing out that an abortion at 23/24 weeks will be hugely traumatic for YOU and something you might not mentally recover from. I am pro choice and if you truly believe this is the right thing for you to do, then you should. But if you were happy to have this baby until you found out about him then he is the problem and not the baby. You will get over what he’s done. I’m 2 years out from finding out about my childrens father and tbh I have been to hell and back mentally. I am still not over it today but it’s getting better and I’m hopeful for the future. My childrens father is involved though and I didn’t have other children which I understand makes a big difference and I can completely understand why you wouldn’t want to have this baby in your case. It’s still fresh for you which makes it difficult to make a rational decision and it’s a shame that you are so close to the deadline and rushed in your decision. I’m really sorry you’re going through this and I hope you find peace and happiness whatever you decide. I really believe it should be illegal for men to have relationships/sex/conceive children under such levels of deceit due the level of lifelong pain and upheaval it causes women :(

Theunamedcat · 18/09/2023 12:35

Try very hard not to "react" to the situation there is no right answer here only a right for you answer either way you have my sympathy this is such a shit position for you to be in

Lookingforthecoffeerevels · 18/09/2023 12:36

Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you OP. This is the hardest decision you will ever make, but you will get through this difficult time. It's small comfort, but there's lots of us out there wishing you the best .
I also think that someone, not necessarily you, but someone should tell this losers wife .
Sending hugs xx

ohdamnitjanet · 18/09/2023 12:38

ActDottie · 18/09/2023 11:14

I appreciate you don’t have much time to decide but I think having covid is a good thing as it will give you a couple more days to decide what is best for you.

My initial reaction would be the same as yours and the thought of going it alone so I don’t blame you. Only you can make this decision though. Have you got any other support around you or a family member you can have a chat with?

It is horrible what this man has done. And to keep it a secret until this late in the pregnancy is unforgivable.

Yes, this. I’m so sorry this is a terrible situation he’s left you with and he’s an utter cunt to have lied about his marriage and at the very least should have told you when you became pregnant.
He’s treated you both appallingly.

HebeMumsnet · 18/09/2023 12:39

Afternoon, everyone. We're going to move this thread over to our Pregnancy Choices board where we think the OP will hopefully get lots more advice and support.

beAsensible1 · 18/09/2023 12:39

Sending you some strength OP.

what a horrible situation, do what is best for you and your 3 children.

I do think regardless of what you choose you will be feeling quite sad due to the circumstances, don't beat yourself up if you choose to abort all of this is on the horrible lying bastard.

look after yourself and make sure you talk to a loved one who can give you a bit of support x

RadioFoot · 18/09/2023 12:41

Why do you love such an immoral cunt? I hope things become easier for you. Whatever decision you make is the right one xx