23 weeks pregnant found out father is married

[Soconfusedandsadx]

NC for this but I've been on mumsnet a while.
I'm completely heartbroken.
I had no idea.
I am 22 weeks pregnant and received a message last week from my partner's wife!! Someone messaged her and told her her husband is having an affair and all about me.

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.
Turns out he is still married. He told me he was separated. 😢
I don't think I can continue my pregnancy alone. And the baby will be a reminder of what I have done and what he is.
I can have an abortion this week but I am on the cusp. I have been to Marie Stopes and had my initial consultation. I know the baby's sex and I have chosen a name. I can feel the baby moving.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I don't think I can have this child.
I am so angry and so sad and just feeling so stupid. I don't know what to do.
Please no horrible comments. I'm broken.
How can I have this child in this situation? I am already a single mum to three children from my now ended marriage.
I can't stop crying. I can't see a way out. I don't want to abort but mentally I am not strong enough to carry on with this pregnancy now. I don't think mentally i am strong enough to abort.

I was meant to have my abortion prep today and my surgery tomorrow but I've caught covid from my kids and they cancelled my appointment so now it's Thursday for my prep and Friday for surgery.
I'm under the care of my GP and I am also scheduled to see the perinatal mental health team next week as I have long standing mental health problems.
I've got to put my three children and myself ahead of this baby but I feel broken.
If you've got this far thank you for reading. I'm not sure if I have even posted this in the right section. Please feel free to report and ask to move if so. Thank you.

Hope you are all doing well OP

Hi, been wondering how you're getting on, hope all is well x

Hello everyone. Things are going ok. Sophie is now 5 weeks and 2 days old. she is a very placid and easy baby, sleeps and feeds well and is just a lovely beautiful little girl 💕I do love her, she is just lovely. I'm tired as it is hard by myself but I have support from friends and family and Sophie is very much loved. 💕
Her father has started to show interest and has seen her twice. He said he will pay me maintenance. He was very emphatic about me not spending the cash he sends me on my older children, just on Sophie.
I was not sure about letting him see her. I thought it was the right thing to do, but he saw her last week, and I've not heard from him at all since, not even to ask how the baby is. I am not chasing him, and I am annoyed with myself that I let him back in. I just wanted to do the right thing by my daughter, and she deserves a father. I am wondering now if he pretended to be interested, so I don't tell his wife that there is a baby involved. I wasn't going to tell her about the baby anyway! I just don't know what to think.
He is meant to be seeing her tomorrow, but I don't want to let him now. I just don't trust him or his motives. I am convinced he doesn't give a shit 😢

Just say Sophie had a bad night so catching up tomorrow won’t work … just give yourself more time to process. She’s too young to form bonds with anyone but mum at the moment anyway so allow yourself some time to decide what to do and the emotionally recover for the giant f u he gave you!!

I think you are right don’t chase him for visits etc it will just disappoint you… you sound amazing op very proud of you !!

I am wondering now if he pretended to be interested, so I don't tell his wife that there is a baby involved. I think, sadly, this could easily be the case. You and Sophie are doing so well now, I honestly don't think it's worth the risk to your well-being, especially so early on, to let him back into your life OP. Prioritise you and Sophie and your other children. Tell him not to visit today you're too tired, simple explanation to put him off and completely plausible. Big hugs. 💕

I think trust your instinct on this. Whatever his motivation it’s hassle you don’t need right now. Your wellbeing comes first and that’s what is important for Sophie too. And obviously it’s going to be better for you to have space from him. You could just send a message saying actually you’re all still settling in together and you think it’s best no visits for the time being. Then just leave it for the foreseeable.

Go through CMS for the money and it’s bog all to do with him what you spend it on . Also as pp said if you don’t want him round just tell him it’s not convenient .

Hello Sophies mummy. Glad to hear all going well for you lovely. He doesn't dictate what you spend money on. Tricky one him wanting to see her, I'd question his motives but you know him better. He, ll be shitting himself CSA or whoever it is get him involved. You, re in the driving seat here, don't be pressured.

@Soconfusedandsadx

Completely agree that you are in the drivers seat here.

What I would recommend is having everything officially drawn up - CMS and legal agreement as to his commitment.

Set up an account in Sophie’s name for spending on her such as this https://www.santander.co.uk/personal/current-accounts/123-mini-current-account
the child maintenance can go in there.
You can do a few sums to work out what is fair to be taking out monthly to you for her housing, utilities, and so forth. Everything else from him can accumulate, then you use the card for buying toiletries, clothes, classes, clubs, toys, hols, whatever. We are married and do this for DC (putting in Child benefit and equal contributions) because it creates arguments otherwise. I can’t recommend this enough.

The reason I would do this is that you have proof should he ever argue to pay less or should you need to argue for him to pay more. Having is all on the one account neatly organised is much much easier - print out a few statements and hand to solicitor or CMS and that is your evidence. He has no entitlement to quibble over the account or see details; it is simply protection for you!

Regards the visits - fine - but again get them legally drawn up and agreed.

And - this is very important - you need an intermediary such as your Mother or a trusted friend.
While Sophie is a baby allow supervised visits at say your Mum’s house with Mum present.
When she gets older you drop her off at intermediary’s house and he picks up.

Keep contact with him to text message, have a shared calendar for Sophie so he doesn’t have to contact you to find out about appointments, classes schedules.

I realise that sounds a lot and you absolutely don’t need to do it all now but when you’re more recovered from the birth and she’s past the newborn stage if you have time please sit and do the admin and get those all important agreements legally in place.

He is an absolute rat and I hope you are able to use an intermediary and avoid direct contact with him. He has done you a lot of damage and is dangerous for you to be around so stay clear and don’t invite him back into your life - seeing Sophie is a separate issue.

Please take care of yourself, you are a wonderfully strong and inspirational woman. You have done so well getting through all of this and I know everybody here thinks a lot of you. Keep on doing you and being fab, so lovely to hear she is doing great. I hope you are able to get everything sorted, keep yourself safe and well xox

This! perfect advice - don’t let this piece of crap use your little girl to try and lever himself back into your life

Get CSA involved , whatever you do , do not put him on the BC .
You need to put the baby first , she has nothing to gain from him , think about it , a married guy who lies and cheats has nothing to offer your girl . And he has no saw where the money goes so all this keeping track is not needed at all .

I don't know if anyone will see this but I wanted to update my thread!
Sophie is now 6 months old. She is perfect and beautiful! Has a decent amount of hair and bluey-green eyes. She is a happy content baby, doesn't cry. I love her so bloody much.
I have just started weaning her, she has tried several foods and not loved any, apart from toast fingers!
She is a beautiful baby.
I can see her father in her but I don't mind.
It is hard by myself. But I am doing it. I have a social services meeting end of July where I have been told she should be removed from the child protection register.
I've read through my whole thread and I can't quite remember or get to grips with how much despair I felt and how unwell I was.
Sophie sees her father around once a fortnight but that is all I allow. She is perfect. She is still being breastfed at the moment but my plan is to stop soon.
People were so kind to me on here. ❤️

Amazing update OP ❤️

I’m so happy that things have worked out so well for you and your family @Soconfusedandsadx ❤️

@Soconfusedandsadx Glad to read the update and that you’re doing well! ❤️

Thank you so much.
She really is the most placid easy baby.
My next challenge is taking her dummy away. She still doesn't sleep all night, I am desperate for a night where she sleeps through, but I hope it comes soon. She isn't a horrific sleeper, but she does wake for her dummy, perhaps once or twice a night, so I'm going to try to take it away at the same time I put her in her own room.
Her siblings adore her, and she completes me. Her father is an idiot. I hope in time to meet someone new, but that is not a priority right now. Xx

What a lovely update, so pleased to hear that you are all doing so well.

Hugs to you all x

Such a lovely update, thanks for letting us know how you're getting on. You're doing a brilliant job

Such a lovely update, thanks for letting us know how you’re doing. You should be very proud of yourself for how you’ve coped with this.

I'm so glad to hear you and your family are doing well x

I’m so happy to read your update! I am so pleased that you made it through, you did so well. Keep us posted on sweet Sophie!

Aw, 6 months already ! Thanks for your update. I'm so glad that life is going well for you and your family. 💕

Awh fabulous update, so happy for you.

So lovely to have this update about you and little Sophie @Soconfusedandsadx.
She sounds so delightful. I'm really happy for you and all your children that this has all worked out.
Her father is an idiot. You are not wrong. And you have proved you are so much stronger than you thought and have absolutely risen above any damage he thought he could do.
You are amazing, truly. 💖

@Soconfusedandsadx I've just read your whole thread with my breath held waiting to get to the outcome/ conclusion. Somewhat belated to everything but I am unbelievably glad this turned out so much better than feared. You are a survivor.