23 weeks pregnant found out father is married

[Soconfusedandsadx]

NC for this but I've been on mumsnet a while.
I'm completely heartbroken.
I had no idea.
I am 22 weeks pregnant and received a message last week from my partner's wife!! Someone messaged her and told her her husband is having an affair and all about me.

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.
Turns out he is still married. He told me he was separated. 😢
I don't think I can continue my pregnancy alone. And the baby will be a reminder of what I have done and what he is.
I can have an abortion this week but I am on the cusp. I have been to Marie Stopes and had my initial consultation. I know the baby's sex and I have chosen a name. I can feel the baby moving.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I don't think I can have this child.
I am so angry and so sad and just feeling so stupid. I don't know what to do.
Please no horrible comments. I'm broken.
How can I have this child in this situation? I am already a single mum to three children from my now ended marriage.
I can't stop crying. I can't see a way out. I don't want to abort but mentally I am not strong enough to carry on with this pregnancy now. I don't think mentally i am strong enough to abort.

I was meant to have my abortion prep today and my surgery tomorrow but I've caught covid from my kids and they cancelled my appointment so now it's Thursday for my prep and Friday for surgery.
I'm under the care of my GP and I am also scheduled to see the perinatal mental health team next week as I have long standing mental health problems.
I've got to put my three children and myself ahead of this baby but I feel broken.
If you've got this far thank you for reading. I'm not sure if I have even posted this in the right section. Please feel free to report and ask to move if so. Thank you.

@Soconfusedandsadx, only you can make the decision and unfortunately whichever way you choose to go will have consequences.

Make sure you take up all the support and aftercare you need, whichever choice you make.

You poor woman I’m so sorry.

please please take the very best care of yourself and share this with your friends and family if you can.

As someone who has delivered early at this stage in pregnancy and my child did not survive, I cannot beg you more strongly not to do this.

You are much much too far gone, babies have survived at around this age and you will be having, and frankly ending the life of, an actual baby. Small, but perfectly formed.

I don’t think you would ever recover yourself either.

Yeah okay but once your outrage ends you’re still left with a pregnant mum of three, and do you really want to be the one responsible for leading her to have any further problems in her life, or worse adding pain to the lives of her children, just because you have difficulty controlling your online outrage? Doesn’t seem like her problem if I’m honest, you can probably do better.

I echo the other posters who say tell his wife. The POS doesn't get to put you through this while he waltzes off into the sunset unscathed. He sounds horrible. I can't even imagine what you're going through,OP,but just wanted to send you all my love and hope that you'll find peace with whatever decision you make.

I completely agree with this.

Your opinion/decision is being swayed by him, either because you love him or because he’s telling you to get rid.

I’d love to know why you chose to get pregnant/keep the pregnancy.

Being a single mother to 3 kids is obviously very hard work and having a 4th would have been a massive decision that you didn’t take lightly.

Of course no one expects the relationship to break down but it is something that women consider when they find themselves pregnant, it’s always possible to the man to leave or to die and you’d be left raising the baby alone.

So did you think that even if he left, this is what you want and you’re only having an abortion because he’s told you too?

Or did you not actually want a 4th but he told you to keep it and now that’s he’s gone you don’t want it?

i don’t believe people are trying to ‘guilt trip’ the OP or necessarily pushing an ‘agenda’. It is compassionate surely to raise the possibility of regret and sadness following abortion. There should be room for that awareness which is a reality for many women.

Hi OP. My honest advice is that at 23 weeks you'll have bonded with the baby. I think an abortion at this stage would traumatise you. I know 4 kids as a single parent isn't ideal but you'll find a way. Ask anyone who cares for you for any help you need.

Op - First off , your baby’s father is the vilest piece of crap ever .. cheating on his wife , happy to go along with your pregnancy then back peddles in panic when found out and would like you to quickly “get rid of the evidence “
what an absolute charmer 🙄..

Remove him from the equation …what he wants is not your problem.. this is your body and NO ONE gets to tell you what to do with it ….
however .. can I ask when you found out that he was married ? Ie when did his wife find out etc and he decided to suddenly tell you to terminate ?

what was the plan before all this ? Was he saying he’d move in ? Be supportive ? How did you feel about the pregnancy ?

It does sound as though you’ve bonded already … right now you are in shock , dealing with the grief of finding out you’d been duped then dumped by a heartless lying man …

Im not here to tell you what to do .. nor share my own experiences as this is your life right now and this is happening to you

I'm so sorry I couldn't imagine the pain and stress 😢
I would be imagining parenting life without him entirely. No visits, just you as a single mum and your family. I guess it would take a while for the wife to be comfortable with him seeing baby. I do think you'll do this better alone (than sharing % with a shite man) and if you put your head and heart into it you will be fine.
Men come and go, children are forever xxx

Get everything you can financially from him and total it up to the 18th birthday. He doesn't deserve to just leave you without contribution

Most pps have already covered my thoughts, he is the lowest of the low, a terrible excuse for a human being for what he has done to you, his wife and this baby. None of it is your fault.
But, you will get over a man. Especially a shitty man. But I do not think you will get over the late termination of a healthy baby. I had to have a late termination for medical reasons, I gave birth to and held my 21+3 weeker in my arms, so to posters saying it’s not a child I can absolutely assure you it is. I appreciate that another baby as a single mum is not going to be easy. But if he’s a big enough c u to do what he’s done, he was always going to be a useless dad. You would have had no help from him anyway as he would have been with his wife most of the time, but if his lies hadn’t been found out you just wouldn’t have found out until after the baby is here. I think you have to think very carefully about your mental health after aborting a 23 week healthy baby you’ve felt move and named. I feel guilt every day for taking my precious sons life away, but when I feel that guilt I remember that he would have never had that normal life I imagine of soft play and cuddles, he would have had hospitals, operations, pain for his whole what would ultimately be short life as he would die before school age. You love this baby far more than you love this stupid imbecile of a man.
like others say ofcourse he wants you to abort and make his life easier. I am very surprised he didn’t push you into abortion at 4/6/8 weeks pregnant as surely he knew this would all come out if you had a baby. That would have been a better solution. This is not.
you shouldn’t make decisions when you’re grieving and right now you’re grieving him. Give yourself the next 17 weeks. If you still don’t want to raise baby give it for adoption.

I am so sorry for soconfusedandsadx I wonder if he may have been behind the message to his wife to give him a way out of the relationship with you as the point where a baby was born his lies would have come tumbling down.

I'm also ashamed as my family and my children have met this man

The shame is all his. He deceived you, he deceived his wife.

I suspect you’re in love with who you thought he was. It will take time but you will get over him. Whatever decision you come to please do not let his wishes sway your decision. It is clear he will want whatever is most expedient for him without thought for anyone else.

Oh gosh I’m so sorry, what a dreadful situation.

Are you able to see councillors before getting the procedure done? Only you know which course of action you can deal with better- going it “alone”, or an abortion. Obviously he’d be liable for child support etc. Make the best decision for you and your family.

I wish you good luck and peace whatever you decide.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Sadly you will have to make your own decision about the baby with the help of Marie Stopes and your family, not listen to all of us! I also think that work and his wife should definitely be told. Not to be cruel to his wife but so she has truthful information so she can decide how to go forward, if you go ahead with the baby she will have to know for all sorts of reasons, including financial. But I’m so sorry.

Stop feeling ashamed right now, stop it, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. This is not your fault, you have been lied to and deceived.

I cannot give you advice regarding the baby, I'm sorry, but I will come and shake you if you continue to feel ashamed (and give you a hug as well as I think you need one)

Maybe a silly thought, but I’ll say it any way,
If you had the baby and the father didn’t want to be any part of the child’s life ( except for maintenance) could you force him to pay for a live in au pair / nanny if you were finding it difficult to cope with 4 children on your own.

How do you force a father to pay for a live in au pair/nanny?

Thank you everyone 💓
I've just been on the phone for an hour to one of my lovely friends.
We didn't find out about the baby until I was 14 weeks, as I was on the mini pill. I got a positive pregnancy test and genuinely had no idea i was pregnant. I kept being sick and I thought it was stress related to start. I had a scan, and there the baby was. 😢

No, I didn't get pregnant to try and trap him. I already have three children and I never envisaged four. I thought I was in a loving relationship 😔

He said the choice was mine as to how to proceed. I don't think he was keen but he said he would support my choice.

He already has four children, three of them adults. One of them 12. He also has young grandchildren. He is older than me.

The plan was for him to move in with me in time, we've been together for 2 years but there was not any rush. He told me he was residing with his parents following marital breakdown. Reading all this I realise what an idiot I have been. Like a real naive idiot.

I was in a very bad place following my own marriage ending and he was attentive and funny and kind and so different to my ex. We would just laugh, all the time. Non stop. He made me feel like I could conquer the world. 😔 I can't help but feel I've lost everything. I have my whole world shaken up.
I have been to his house a couple of times but he mostly came here for the sake of ease and with my children being here.

My children know about the baby and know they are getting a sibling. My two youngest are very excited. 😔 my eldest who is 13 not so but she has other things going on.

The people at work know we were a couple but the baby news hadn't been shared yet. I'm not showing and I've lost weight due to HG. I have no idea who told the wife he was seeing me. I don't know. He is obsessed with trying to find out who but all his concern is for himself and trying to save his skin.
We were just chilling at my house and messages started coming through and the phone started going. He disappeared from my home like shit off a shovel. When he left I could not function and I just shut down. At my Marie stopes appointment I was crying and told them the reason why I was there so late and they do not judge. They held my hand and passed me tissues while I was being scanned. 😢

He must have been shitting a brick. I don't see how he thought he would not get found out. I think he was burying his head in the sand massively. He's probably relieved she knows.

I am going to have a meeting with my manager tomorrow. I don't see how I can carry on working with this man.
I've not been to work since and I've not spoken to him.

I'm just so scared that if I have the baby it will be a permanent reminder of what a fuck up I have made, how I am not enough for someone and how I have been lied to. I worry I will look at my child and think he chose the wife's children over mine and how the baby will just be a catalyst for bad memories.

Obviously my mental health is a huge concern. I doubt my ability massively to be a good parent to this baby. My three children are with their dad for a few days and while I miss them I've not been in a great place for the past week. I can't see a way forward. Both options are so hard.

I appreciate all the kindness I am being shown on here and thank you all so much xxx

How on earth would she ‘force’ him to do that, given that the other children are nothing to do with him and that he now wants her to have an abortion because his wife found out about the affair ? The most she can hope for is that he doesn’t give up his job when CMS contact him about maintenance.

Marie Stopes offer counselling but post procedure. I am getting daily calls from my GP due to my declining mental health, and the fact perinatal can't see me until next week. I am due at Marie Stopes at 9am on Thursday for the prep (which sounds HORRIFIC, I've read all the literature.) Then back there Friday for the procedure.
I feel no good option is a good one.
I don't even know if I would be able to give the baby up for adoption as what if I felt guilt or found it all too hard. What would my children think?
I wish this had all come to light earlier as I could have had more time to make a choice 😔 xx

You know if you chose adoption he would have to agree, right? And could take the child instead if he wanted to?

Big hugs for you OP. This is an awful situation and absolutely not your fault. You have nothing to blame yourself for or feel ashamed of.

There are some practical things you need to think of:

I would make an urgent appointment to speak to whoever you can at work (HR/your manager) as a first step. Make sure they know the full situation and that you were not aware of his marriage. Get that in first before he has the chance to make any complaints about you. Because if you decide to keep the baby, he's going to be paying maintenance and then his wife will have to find out and it might mean the end of the marriage. He may well turn nasty and make all kinds of accusations against you. Protect yourself by proactively getting your side across first. In any case, you're approaching the time when you'd have to tell work about your pregnancy (25 weeks) whatever the circumstances. You can ask them to be extra careful not to speak about this to other people at work. If you later decide on an abortion, you don't have to tell them exactly what happened, unless you want to, you can just say you lost the pregnancy. Apologies to people reading who have had late miscarriages, I know it's not the same thing as a voluntary termination, I'm just speaking from the POV of what the OP is obliged to reveal at work.

Look into what support you would get with the baby, if you kept him/her. See what your financial situation would be. You may have to take the father to CMS to get him to pay his share, but he might pay up voluntarily. CMS is workable, despite its flaws. You won't get much help from Universal Credit because of the two child limit, but you will still get child benefit.

On an emotional level, I wouldn't be worried about seeing the child as a constant reminder of your 'mistake' - which in any case is totally not your fault and not a mistake. I'm not dismissing that if it's how you feel, but speaking from my own experience and from people around me who have had children with various levels of abusive and horrible men, when the child is actually there and part of your life you don't see them as a reminder of how crap their dad is, you see them and love them for themselves. Some of us still have to have contact with the said father so get plenty of other reminders of what he's like, but the child you just see as your beloved child. Not to say you have to keep the baby, but just to maybe offer a little reassurance on that point. That said, you do have some very real, valid, concerns and you need time to process and talk them through. Obviously you don't have a whole load of time to play with, but you have enough to not rush the decision. Take a few days to talk to as many people as you can IRL. There isn't an easy way out of this, but just try not to beat yourself up about it. You are where you are, heartbreaking though it is, and you need to decide what's best for you all now. You'll get over this guy, that will just take time; discount him from your life and try to think of what the future will look like for you and your family. Be gentle with yourself.

Rubbish !
the father only has any say if they are in an established relationship with the mother .. this is not the case here

As you mentioned suffering from HG, may I suggest contacting this charity: https://www.pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/get-help/our-services/

They may not help on the abortion side but as a fellow HG sufferer, my mental health took a battering let alone with everything else you’ve had to contend with by that horrible man. Sometimes it can help to talk to the right support before you make a decision.