23 weeks pregnant found out father is married

[Soconfusedandsadx]

NC for this but I've been on mumsnet a while.
I'm completely heartbroken.
I had no idea.
I am 22 weeks pregnant and received a message last week from my partner's wife!! Someone messaged her and told her her husband is having an affair and all about me.

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.
Turns out he is still married. He told me he was separated. 😢
I don't think I can continue my pregnancy alone. And the baby will be a reminder of what I have done and what he is.
I can have an abortion this week but I am on the cusp. I have been to Marie Stopes and had my initial consultation. I know the baby's sex and I have chosen a name. I can feel the baby moving.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I don't think I can have this child.
I am so angry and so sad and just feeling so stupid. I don't know what to do.
Please no horrible comments. I'm broken.
How can I have this child in this situation? I am already a single mum to three children from my now ended marriage.
I can't stop crying. I can't see a way out. I don't want to abort but mentally I am not strong enough to carry on with this pregnancy now. I don't think mentally i am strong enough to abort.

I was meant to have my abortion prep today and my surgery tomorrow but I've caught covid from my kids and they cancelled my appointment so now it's Thursday for my prep and Friday for surgery.
I'm under the care of my GP and I am also scheduled to see the perinatal mental health team next week as I have long standing mental health problems.
I've got to put my three children and myself ahead of this baby but I feel broken.
If you've got this far thank you for reading. I'm not sure if I have even posted this in the right section. Please feel free to report and ask to move if so. Thank you.

Some posters here are coercing you. You can absolutely have a termination, it’s clear you’ve put a lot of thought into this. It sounds like you have a lot of responsibility already and that things are very challenging emotionally and mentally given the stress that man has caused. Marie Stopes have excellent counselling services and can help place you with someone after the termination to help talk things through and get you back on the road to being the fantastic, balanced, happy mum of three you are.

Thursday will be a great opportunity to ask questions and work with the nursing staff to ensure you have maximum support. They’re lovely people and will be angry on your behalf at what this man has done. Walking into the future without him will be good for you and your children.

Thank you so much for all your kind and very valid responses.
I can't function today.
He wants me to end the pregnancy. Trouble is I love him so much and I wish I could switch it off. I'm hurt, I'm floored, I did not see this. When she messaged me he was at my house and she started calling him repeatedly and he just left my house when I had my children here. Just left me 😔
I do have real life support, I've got my mum, I've got other family, I have a few good friends.
I've joined the Peanut app and I am talking to other expectant mums- albeit none are in my shitty situation.
I also work with this man. I imagine it will end up with him leaving or if I kept the baby I would go on maternity leave.
I'm trying to find the positives and thinking the baby will give me a focus, I share care with my older three with their dad so they're not here all the time. But the baby would be here with me and have no second parent.
I just worry that the baby will be a reminder of me and my shitty mistake and also of him. I love him. What if seeing this baby and having it makes me miss him even more and causes me trauma.
But like PPs have said. I can feel this child moving. I can feel it kicking me from the outside of my now. Last night I was in bed and baby was really active. I'm not showing yet and we hadn't told anyone about the baby. The wife doesnt know about the baby, just about me. Knowing the level of deceit involved, he must have been under a level of stress.
I'm also ashamed as my family and my children have met this man. X

OP deserves to make an informed decision
Please all of you advocating a late stage abortion please do your research and find out what actually happens.
Her mental health is extremely vulnerable and she may never recover from the trauma of a late stage abortion.

I am only against post 12 weeks abortion because of the technique used. I am not against early termination.

It is my personal opinion which I am entitled to hold.

Nobody is advocating a late stage abortion ffs and I’m pretty sure the vast majority of people knows what it involves. Yes I have no doubt it would be extremely mentally challenging to deal with a late stage abortion but so would raising a fourth child for 18+ years with no input from the father. Regardless, it’s only the OP who can make the difficult decision, whatever it is she decided. Please stop trying to push your own agenda on a vulnerable woman who’s struggling.

I'm also ashamed as my family and my children have met this man.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of as you’ve done nothing wrong!!

He is the only one who should feel shame.

I’m shocked he went along with this pregnancy for so long tbh he must have known it would come out.

You've made your point @Timeforchangeplease

Thanks for the update. This is why it’s important to see all sides before people bang on the pro choice, pro life drum. There’s a lot to consider in times of emotional trauma and you seem very overwhelmed (understandably).

OP - was the man coercing you into an abortion? Is this truly your choice here?

I think an abortion is the last thing you need . You are a mum already , so I don’t need to tell you how much you will love that child . I’m all in favour of women having a choice but from what you wrote I don’t think it’s what you what and a late abortion is extremely traumatic , I have 2 friends who had them at 20 and 21 weeks due to teh baby having down qnd patau syndrome and still to this day they are suffering from the mental onset from it all .
please think carefully , once it’s done it can not be undone . You don’t need him to have this child

Ridiculous response my mum was a single mum to 4 and did a fantastic job there are lots of single parents who do.

The shame of this does not fall onto you. Only onto him. You have done absolutley nothing wrong and I truly believe when this baby comes you'll love it more than anything and wont be able to imagine your life without them. You have not made the mistake here, he has and he will be liable for the child support etc. Leave him to have that conversation with his wife.

Woman who have been in much more traumatic situations (domestic violence, rpe etc) and kept the babies and loved them more than anything - the father of your child does not determine how you feel about your beautiful child, think of him as nothing more than a sprm donor. Detach yourself from him emotionally completley.

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and VERY pro abortion but I the thought of terminating at 22 weeks absolutley destroys me and I think the emotional cost to you of aborting this child will be far greater than the love and joy you will feel for this child when they arrive. Think about how you feel about your current children and how much you love them... now image if you had aborted any of them at 22 weeks and how that makes you feel.

I really think you are just in the depth of finding out all this terrible information about this complete a** hole which is probably making you act a bit irrationally but trust me in a years time you'll have a gorgeous bundle of joy and this man will be nothing to you.

Do not make a rash decision driven by heightened emotions that you are going to regret for the rest of your life.

Please remind yourself , you are not at fault here . You do not need to feel ashamed , you have done nothing wrong .
I think you should consider speaking with HR so you can protect yourself ( when you feel ready ) .

OP is engaged with her GP and Marie Stopes and perinatal health. She will be informed.

Having a FOURTH baby in these circumstances is not going to be a picnic either.

There is no easy option here and you should be ashamed of yourself for trying to scare OP away from one of them. As should all the other posters who are doing the same.

He should have stated he didn't want this pregnancy when you both found out you were pregnant.
He's known all along he was married so this wasn't a shock to him.
He can't just suddenly decide now that he doesn't want this child. Did he want the baby prior to his wife finding out?

I think the decision needs to be yours and yours alone. However if you decide to keep the baby I think you should inform the wife and chase child maintenance. He doesn't get to walk away scot free and at least he would be financially responsible for a child he helped create.

@Timeforchangeplease No one thinks a late stage abortion is easy. But will you be contributing to this child's life? Getting up in the night, paying for childcare etc? No? Then leave the bloody decision to OP without the constant guilt trips. It's her that will have to live with the consequences.

OP, I have no helpful advice re whether you should keep your baby or not as I'm just a stranger on the Internet: it's such a big decision that it must be yours x But, what does occur to me is:
This 'man' is out of your life now.
He pretended to be something he wasn't (a decent human being) & lied & lied. To lots of people not just you. Put your shame down, it belongs to him x

If you keep your baby you could take maternity leave & look for a new job. Apart from child support forms you'd never have to see him again. If you keep your baby, it's your baby, not a reminder of anything. A new baby.

If on balance you feel its the wrong thing to do for you & your existing children then definitely try to arrange some support after the termination as this will be tough on you either way.

I wish you peace with your decision x

It's good to hear you have support in your life OP.
Are your family members helping you in making your decision?

You're in a horrible situation OP
Do you have the wider support to have this baby alone? 4 kids solo is a huge load. Do you also want to be tied to that absolute scumbag forever?
Thankfully you have a choice in this country.

Did your mum have longstanding MH issues? Or a 4th baby to a liar like this? No, please don't tell me, you're already tunnel-visioned by your own situation, whereas others are trying to engage with the OP's very specific situation to which there is no easy answer. No 'fantastic job' vs traumatised for life black and whites. No one is advocating, but they're trying to listen and support not guilt, fearmonger and campaign. I hope you'll back off now. She's under more than enough pressure.

Op you still have a few days to think it over.

From your last update you really don't sound certain of what you want to do.

Is there anyone you can talk to who would be impartial?

If its any help my dd looks a lot like her shitty bio father but I never ever think of him when I look at her, I just see her.

Also, you won't love this man forever, it will fade eventually as you see him for what he really was. So try not to make your decision based on any of that.

Think logically and put emotions aside.

Do you want another baby? Can you see another baby fitting into your current life?

Anyone can tell you what they think, that you should keep the baby or abort but utilmately the decision is down to you, you continue you will be doing this alone and even though you share care with yout exdh 4 children is quite full on, you got to consider if your prepared to be a single parent. Would you have the necessary support from family. On the otherside you got to consider the afters of the abortions what that means going forward for your mental health. There is no right and wrong answer here but the decision is solely yours and yours to make.

@Soconfusedandsadx I'm so sorry you're going through this. You sound like you are being really sensible to consider all your options and it's great that you're getting some mental health support.

If not already can you get signed off work for a few days so that you can focus on recovering from Covid and nourishing yourself?

Have you got anyone else you can talk to in real life? Perhaps someone who can help you think through the various scenarios in a practical but empathetic way Eg if you were to have this baby how would you make that work logistically, financially, emotionally. Eg is adoption an option you'd consider.