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Pregnancy choices

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23 weeks pregnant found out father is married

477 replies

Soconfusedandsadx · 18/09/2023 10:25

NC for this but I've been on mumsnet a while.
I'm completely heartbroken.
I had no idea.
I am 22 weeks pregnant and received a message last week from my partner's wife!! Someone messaged her and told her her husband is having an affair and all about me.

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.
Turns out he is still married. He told me he was separated. 😢
I don't think I can continue my pregnancy alone. And the baby will be a reminder of what I have done and what he is.
I can have an abortion this week but I am on the cusp. I have been to Marie Stopes and had my initial consultation. I know the baby's sex and I have chosen a name. I can feel the baby moving.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I don't think I can have this child.
I am so angry and so sad and just feeling so stupid. I don't know what to do.
Please no horrible comments. I'm broken.
How can I have this child in this situation? I am already a single mum to three children from my now ended marriage.
I can't stop crying. I can't see a way out. I don't want to abort but mentally I am not strong enough to carry on with this pregnancy now. I don't think mentally i am strong enough to abort.

I was meant to have my abortion prep today and my surgery tomorrow but I've caught covid from my kids and they cancelled my appointment so now it's Thursday for my prep and Friday for surgery.
I'm under the care of my GP and I am also scheduled to see the perinatal mental health team next week as I have long standing mental health problems.
I've got to put my three children and myself ahead of this baby but I feel broken.
If you've got this far thank you for reading. I'm not sure if I have even posted this in the right section. Please feel free to report and ask to move if so. Thank you.

OP posts:
TheWitche · 18/09/2023 11:53

He wants you to have an abortion. Of course he does, it’s easy for him. Could you not look at adoption instead? Im assuming the baby is a boy and you’re worried he will remind you of his dad.

Think about what you want, but I think it’s much too late for an abortion. He is an absolute scumbag, I’m so sorry this has happened.

Timeforchangeplease · 18/09/2023 11:53

If OP didn't want advice she wouldn't have posted on here.
My advice is not less valid that yours or anyone else's.

Charming81 · 18/09/2023 11:54

So sorry for your situation. An abortion this late in pregnancy is not easy. You will have a normal delivery and it will certainly be traumatic. You will need lots, lots of support after. You have the option of giving birth and give the baby up for adoption. It is traumatic as well to give your baby away, but it might give you more peace knowing that he/she will be fine with another family.

Whatever you choose to do, will be a hard decision and I hope you have someone who can support you ❤️

Nam3chang384 · 18/09/2023 11:58

Oh goodness, this is horrendous. What an absolute vile piece of shit your ex-partner is. I can see there is no good option available to you here so you need to think about hat is the least bad one. I am very pro-choice and obviously you need to do what is right for you but I don't think I could abort at this late stage.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Sparklecats · 18/09/2023 11:59

I think either way you are going to have exacerbation in your mental health problems from this situation because what this man has done is pretty traumatic.

I think you stay strong for you and your three kids and rely on your wonderful support network.

This baby will be its own person and there will be influences from you as well as it’s father.

Yes of course it’s very sad the Daddy may not be there and things haven’t worked out. But no sadder than your previous relationship didn’t work out. Does that invalidate the three children you already have their personalities, achievements? No, they are very valid, loved and special little people.

Everything is a mess right now but it will get better.

It is your body and only you can decide how you wish to proceed. Nobody right minded would think badly of you either way.

But if you do have the baby, you are strong enough to deal with this unexpected turn of events. And they won’t just be a reflection of shame/the father. They are an individual person who has value and worth.

When you get yourself together try and find new work. Either straight away or take the maternity and then run. Depending on what you want to do.

Please take care and have faith - It is going to be ok.

WorkingOnMyMindset · 18/09/2023 12:00

I’m sorry to hear of this awful situation. There should be legal recourse for deception like this.
I do think such a late abortion would be a very traumatic experience for you.
Do your children not know you are pregnant?
Had you never been to his house?
Find as much therapeutic support as you can, but I would seriously consider adoption.
I’m so sorry and I hope this is the worse thing that ever happens to you in your life. There’s a place in hell for the partner who lied to you 💐

QueeniePlumtree · 18/09/2023 12:01

First of all huge big squeezy hugs.

I cannot imagine how much your head is in a spin.

Are your family and friends aware? I read they have met this 'man' in your life.What support and advice are they offering you?

I'd have to be completely honest with his wife about the situation. She has decisions to make about this 'husband' of hers. I'd certainly not want a man back, who's been living a separate life and is now trying to control a woman he's been in a relationship with into an abortion.

It sounds as though you have good MH support in place and I'm sure your Midwife and GP can point you in the right direction for support.

22 weeks is incredibly far on to have an abortion. But, only you know how you will feel after termination. If it's the right decision for you and your children. Are they old enough / do they know you are pregnant?

Also, you said you work with this guy. That's a complication too. I hope you've spoken with HR about needing some Mental Health days off ATM.

Sending you lots of love and positivity. 💖

I hope you can find comfort in the right path for you xx

madamreign · 18/09/2023 12:02

You have nothing, nothing to be ashamed of.

Callmesleepy · 18/09/2023 12:02

Feel free not to read this if you think it won't help, I thought I'd put down a list of questions that seem logical to ask as someone who is not involved emotionally. Hopefully a useful starting point.

What will be the impact on your children of having or not having this baby? Include costs, time, emotions, and include whether they'd know you'd aborted your baby and how they might see that in the short and long term.
What will be the impact on you of having or not having it? Physical, emotional, financial, and both short and long term.
What support do you have around you either way? Include counselling resources but also things like friends, family, and you ex. It's a totally different picture if your other kids are there half the time to 90%.
How can you set up more support? I'd happily support someone with occasional childcare of a 6 month old + if they went through something like this, think most people would, and you'd have maternity before.
Is this a decision YOU can live with?

His feelings are irrelevant to this decision, ignore him. You don't hold any shame here, he does.

Rosscameasdoody · 18/09/2023 12:03

Timeforchangeplease · 18/09/2023 11:41

OP deserves to make an informed decision
Please all of you advocating a late stage abortion please do your research and find out what actually happens.
Her mental health is extremely vulnerable and she may never recover from the trauma of a late stage abortion.

She is making an informed decision and Marie Stopes have excellent services available to help her deal with it, whereas you have absolutely no idea what effect either course of action will have. There’s no need to state what actually happens with a late stage abortion, I think everyone here, including the OP will know, and your anti abortion rhetoric isn’t helping an already traumatic situation. If it’s upsetting to you try stepping back and unfollowing the thread, and stop trying to guilt the op into a course of action which may not be right for her.

Tina8800 · 18/09/2023 12:03

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Floralnomad · 18/09/2023 12:04

The first thing I would be doing is telling his wife about the baby , why should he get to change his mind and go home with no repercussions.

greeneyessparksfly · 18/09/2023 12:05

OP you have nothing to be ashamed of, you aren’t the one in the wrong here. You weren’t aware he was married and still in a relationship, so whatever happens please walk away with your head held high over that.

I echo what other posters have said about late stage termination, I accompanied my friend for hers at 23 weeks due to her mental health. It was very traumatic for her and something she struggles with even now years later with regards to guilt and sadness. It has impacted her mental health tremendously even though the reason she terminated was due to her mental health and her worry surrounding being able to support a baby. It might be helpful to use the next couple of days to keep going over your reasoning and make sure you’re absolutely certain of your decision. Whatever you choose will be right for you and your circumstances but the worst things to do would be to have a level of uncertainty about whether you’re doing the right thing and it seems like you have already bonded with your baby so that is going to make it very hard. I think this may cause problems for you later down the line if you do decide to go ahead and haven’t 100% accepted your decision and wholly believe you are making the right choice.

Im so sorry you’re going through this. But please remember you’ve not done anything wrong in this relationship. It’s on him.

clpsmum · 18/09/2023 12:05

You need to put yourself and your existing children first. Whatever you decide will be hard. I am so so sorry that this has happened to you. I wish there were more I could say xxxxx

CutiePatooties · 18/09/2023 12:06

Please speak to a professional or show them your OP if you don’t feel like talking.

On here you’ve got posters who are anti-choice and will just push their own agenda.

You also have people who are so pro-choice, they think your OP reads as someone who wants to abort and has made a final decision on it. Not how it reads at all.

It appears you’ve formed some kind of bond already with how you’re speaking and you seem torn at the moment and are thinking of making a decision based on the news that has recently come to light. Speak to a professional and see what support is out there, if you have any doubts or if you think you will regret an abortion. You seem emotionally attached and if you suffer with your MH already, then having an abortion you don’t really want will seriously impact this further.

If you know 100% you want to go through with this and that you won’t regret it and it isn’t just a reaction to the shocking news you’ve just found out, then I for one am here if you want to message me for any support.

Either way, you can message me at any time. Just don’t rush into a decision please. I had an abortion at 6 weeks, as the dad didn’t want a child, didn’t want to stay with me if I kept them and told me he’d tell everyone I had tried to trap him.. I didn’t, we both knew we were having unprotected sex, but I was 18 and quite immature for my age anyway, he was much older and knew how to manipulate me and I rushed into an abortion out of panicking about being alone with a baby and having people think I’d tried trapping him into it.

I had a bond there even that early on. I would rub my tummy and talk to them at night etc. As soon as I did it, I was hysterical. Later on in life with my now DH, when both DDs were born I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy them out of the guilt I carry and had postnatal depression with both. My MH has got increasingly worse and I’ve been diagnosed with BPD and do wonder if part of that is from the trauma I went through with this decision. I still cry sometimes, 16 years later and I’m even crying writing this. I sometimes wonder what they’d be doing now, if they would have been a DS or DD. I hate that I know this will never go away and I will take all these feelings to my grave. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

If you feel attached to them and have any doubts, please, PLEASE speak to a professional first.

If you feel your experience would be nothing like mine and that you’re not attached and you feel the decision to terminate is the best option for you and you'll have no regrets then go for it. I do remember a lot of women and girls heading out of the clinic who weren’t going hysterical and who were clearly relieved to have terminated and just went along with their day. I’m not saying your experience will be like mine, I don’t know you. But I do wish someone had spoken to me like this before I did something I couldn’t take back.

Either way, there are lots of MNetters (including me) who will be here for you to talk to, whichever decision you make. Just make sure it’s the best decision for you.

lots of love to you xxxxx

isthesolution · 18/09/2023 12:06

That's an awful situation.

What a horrible man!

I completely understand the abortion - the 3 children you have take priority but it's such a very hard thing to go through.

Has the father said what his thoughts on the baby are?

WorkingOnMyMindset · 18/09/2023 12:06

Yes. I would tell his wife about the pregnancy.

JudyEdithPerry · 18/09/2023 12:07

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

donkra · 18/09/2023 12:08

I am so, so sorry. It's so cruel that a lying shitbag has put you in this situation, and crueller yet that you have so little time to make a decision about the pregnancy.

My only words to you are this: forgive yourself, for everything, whatever decision you make. None of this is your fault. I wish you the best, and I'm thinking of you.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 18/09/2023 12:09

Timeforchangeplease · 18/09/2023 11:53

If OP didn't want advice she wouldn't have posted on here.
My advice is not less valid that yours or anyone else's.

Your advice is based on your obvious anti abortion stance, and is pitched to try to change OP’s mind - otherwise why would you be advocating she look up late stage abortion ? Of course your advice is less valid than that of others here because it’s coming from a place of your own personal beliefs, rather than supporting the OP in her choice.

Beaverbridge · 18/09/2023 12:10

Oh lovely what a shock you've had. Just horrendous. Only you can decide don't be forced into major decisions by him. He, ll be shitting himself the wife finds out. Massive hug for you.

marymungoNminge · 18/09/2023 12:10

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I agree.

I'm so sorry OP but please stop blaming yourself. You have done absolutely NOTHING wrong. I promise, the switch will happen and you will not love him anymore. Please look after yourself, but all I will say is you said in your OP 'i don't want to abort' - please listen to yourself when you say this. Scars can heal, but abortion is permanent. Whatever you choose to do will be the right thing and I wish you all the best.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 18/09/2023 12:11

Gosh OP, what an horrific situation.

Of course he wants you to have an abortion, that way he can minimise to his wife, forget it happened, and think he can carry on with his marriage.

If you have your baby, he has to pay maintenance, and his marriage has a higher chance of not surviving.

However, what he thinks and wants mustn't cloud what you feel. Please don't be influenced by him, he's shown himself to be a complete bastard, his opinions need to be put to one side.

Like others have suggested, is there anyone neutral you can speak to? This is a life changing decision, whichever way you decide to go. Aborting isn't going to create a situation as if the baby had never existed. Keeping it isn't as simple as already having 3, so 4 isn't that much more.

There are so many aspects to think about, especially your instinctive feelings as to what's best for you now, and long term. What needn't come into your decision making, though, is what the father wants to happen, not in this case.

💐

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 18/09/2023 12:11

Op it's hard, so very hard. Neither decision will be 100% the right one all you can do is make the choice that you think will be the better one. He will have to pay child support if you go ahead with it so he can't completely turn his back. He also might decide he wants to know the child (doubtful) you may have to deal with him for the next 18 years.

What ever you decide good luck Flowers

whatwasthatgrandma · 18/09/2023 12:11

Timeforchangeplease · 18/09/2023 11:44

I am only against post 12 weeks abortion because of the technique used. I am not against early termination.

It is my personal opinion which I am entitled to hold.

Hold it quietly. You are not entitled to force your unwanted opinions on it on others when its not appropriate.