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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

23 weeks pregnant found out father is married

477 replies

Soconfusedandsadx · 18/09/2023 10:25

NC for this but I've been on mumsnet a while.
I'm completely heartbroken.
I had no idea.
I am 22 weeks pregnant and received a message last week from my partner's wife!! Someone messaged her and told her her husband is having an affair and all about me.

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.
Turns out he is still married. He told me he was separated. 😢
I don't think I can continue my pregnancy alone. And the baby will be a reminder of what I have done and what he is.
I can have an abortion this week but I am on the cusp. I have been to Marie Stopes and had my initial consultation. I know the baby's sex and I have chosen a name. I can feel the baby moving.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I don't think I can have this child.
I am so angry and so sad and just feeling so stupid. I don't know what to do.
Please no horrible comments. I'm broken.
How can I have this child in this situation? I am already a single mum to three children from my now ended marriage.
I can't stop crying. I can't see a way out. I don't want to abort but mentally I am not strong enough to carry on with this pregnancy now. I don't think mentally i am strong enough to abort.

I was meant to have my abortion prep today and my surgery tomorrow but I've caught covid from my kids and they cancelled my appointment so now it's Thursday for my prep and Friday for surgery.
I'm under the care of my GP and I am also scheduled to see the perinatal mental health team next week as I have long standing mental health problems.
I've got to put my three children and myself ahead of this baby but I feel broken.
If you've got this far thank you for reading. I'm not sure if I have even posted this in the right section. Please feel free to report and ask to move if so. Thank you.

OP posts:
anotherside · 18/09/2023 12:12

Has the father said what his thoughts on the baby are?

Indeed. That’s surely a vital consideration both for the OP and for the as yet unborn child. Of course there is a third option, which would be for the OP to have the child and then put the baby up for adoption. No easy choices.

Cinai · 18/09/2023 12:12

What a horrible man, I’m so sorry OP! I fully support abortions and if that’s your decision then that’s absolutely ok! But I think an abortion at this late stage would be very difficult to move past and there is a risk of regret and feeling that the decision was driven by hurt and coercion of this man. Can you talk to your family about this? Did you consider carrying the baby to term and giving it for adoption? I don’t normally think that adoption is the answer to everything, but in your situation it might be a way forward that avoids further psychological pain. Wishing you all the best whatever you decide to do!

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 18/09/2023 12:12

LookingForPurpose · 18/09/2023 10:58

@Lexie365

What a terrible thing to say to a woman that is trying to put her three EXISTING children first. Stress openly admitted she's devastated and doesn't need you piling on your anti abiding rhetoric.

Op, you do what you need to do and do not feel any shame. What an absolute bastard to do toss to you and leave you in this state.

Her three existing children? So this baby doesn't EXIST??

OP my mum had a termination at a similar stage and in similar circumstances. She has never got over it. Please reconsider.

And he is a bloody wankstain on the bedding of society! What an absolute bastard!

Takeabreather23 · 18/09/2023 12:12

O0 of course he wants you to terminate . Sorry to say this but he’s shown you he doesn’t care for you and he doesn’t care for the baby or even the wife . He cares for himself !
Your baby wilL be born and you will love it more than that scum bag.
I’m 8 years in to doing a pregnancy and rasing a child alone and I mean alone . I didn’t have my mum ,
Im not going to lie it’s been the hardest thing I’ve done but we are so close and I wouldn’t have changed it for the world . No man is worth your tears especially this one .

Make your decision and once you have done that tell his wife , she need to know either way .
He has a duty to the child financially even if he won’t be there emotionally.

Talk this decision through with as many people as you can , don’t be pressured.
Keep talking on here and let us all know your ok.

ThornInMySide84 · 18/09/2023 12:13

An abortion at a point where a baby can survive us not something that I think should be rushed. An abortion at 23 or 24 weeks is going to be equally as traumatic so give yourself a little more time. It’s not a decision you can undo.

Voraxaraptor · 18/09/2023 12:13

His wife needs to know.

The likely situation is that he is going to be a divorced father juggling two baby mums.

Dont abort so he can go back to playing happy families and you having a clean break.

If you want to abort to prioritise your children that are already here- that’s your decision. But don’t let the shame and drama of this force your hand. You have done nothing wrong.

whatwasthatgrandma · 18/09/2023 12:13

Her three existing children? So this baby doesn't EXIST??

As a child, no it does not. It is not a child, it is not a person. But this is not the place for your nonsense.

Alwaysdieting · 18/09/2023 12:14

Did you both discuss your pregnancy when you first knew, how did he react, did he say how lovely we can live happy after together or did he tell you to get a termination straight away?
Either way he has treated you so badly and if you decide to keep the baby his wife will soon know.
I would also go to HR and tell them your sad story if you are keeping the baby. I dont See why you should have to look for another job you havnt done anything wrong. I wish you good luck with whatever you choose to do.💐x.

Rosscameasdoody · 18/09/2023 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This is not the only reason for the termination, there are several, including the OP’s fragile mental health - re-read the OP because it’s clear from your post that you haven’t already. She’s not punishing her baby, she’s trying to do what’s right for her and her children, and she posted for advice, not judgment.

therealcookiemonster · 18/09/2023 12:16

a lot of good points raised by PP's here. ultimately its your decision, just make sure to:

  1. not base the decision on your emotional response to the shitbag or what he wants. he has no say in this.
  2. speak to Marie stopes/friends/gp about this so you have all the support. and also find out exactly what a late stage abortion entails.
  3. make yourself aware of ALL the options eg. adoption, child maintenance etc.
  4. seek counselling before you make any decision

maybe the delay was a good thing because from your posts it doesn't feel like you are ready to make a decision yet.

and you should tell his wife because he shouldn't get away scot free.

PicnicBunny · 18/09/2023 12:16

Whatever you do will be the right thing.

anotherside · 18/09/2023 12:17

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.

He may have “chosen her” but I wonder for how long his wife will choose him. One solution would be for the husband to end his sham marriage and then take an active involvement in his new child’s life. Does the man have children already - what age are they? Important details.

PinotPony · 18/09/2023 12:17

The fact he walked out and left you tells you everything you need to know. He doesn't give a fuck about you or your baby.

It's understandable that you can't function. He's broken your heart. But, trust me, you'll view him very differently in a few months time. Don't let your love for this man and your pain at losing him influence your decision. He's not coming back.

All I would say is that a baby isn't a distraction, something else to focus on to help you get over this man. That will happen in time anyway. In a year's time, you'll see him for the bastard he truly is.

Equally, I don't think your baby would be a constant reminder of a terrible mistake... I'm sure you'd love your child regardless of their father.

It sounds like you're trying to be pragmatic, weighing up the pros and cons. Lean on your family and friends for support. Make use of any counselling you can access. Focus on the practical realities... finances, childcare, etc. If you want this baby, you'll find a way to manage.

Mkgmum · 18/09/2023 12:19

If you have any sort of feeling for this baby at all, don't go through with an abortion for your own sake as well as theirs. It's awful what he's done, despicable but literally any option is better than this choice, you may regret it deeply for the rest of your life. The baby may be something good to come out of an awful situation, their are options beside abortion. I'm pro choice, but 23 weeks is really late on. You will still give birth, lactate, go through all the post partum feelings but with no baby. I suffered a neonatal death and I just felt lost, I wouldn't wish it on anyone walking round in that state of mind and being. Add guilt to the mix and it's horrendous

bemorelemmy · 18/09/2023 12:19

Lexie365 · 18/09/2023 10:50

I am so so sorry this has happened💔Please reconsider the abortion. I know it doesn't seem like it now but you will get over this and him in time but I really truly believe if you have an abortion this late you will regret it for the rest of your life. Give yourself time to heal❤ none of this was your fault, try to remember that x

shame on you, @Lexie365 really cruel and unhelpful

ThomasinaLivesHere · 18/09/2023 12:20

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. What a horrible man to create this situation. He’s such a coward for not telling you earlier and it’s the worse situation as if it was earlier, an abortion would be easier and if later, you’d just have to make peace with it, but with so little time to think clearly and have time to come to a decision I really feel for you. Whatever you do decide then be kind to yourself. Just remember there was never an easy option to choose and don’t be hard on yourself.

pam290358 · 18/09/2023 12:22

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 18/09/2023 12:12

Her three existing children? So this baby doesn't EXIST??

OP my mum had a termination at a similar stage and in similar circumstances. She has never got over it. Please reconsider.

And he is a bloody wankstain on the bedding of society! What an absolute bastard!

Show quote history

It exists in the womb, but then you know exactly what this poster is saying - OP already has three children, to whom she is a single mum, and a fourth will be incredibly difficult for her - not least because she was expecting support from her partner, which won’t happen now. Agreeing that this man is an arsehole doesn’t make it right for you to urge her to reconsider a termination if this is the option that is right for her.

Whatnowfgs · 18/09/2023 12:22

I had a friend in this situation. Two older children and got pregnant during an affair.

She came very close to having an abortion. Even closer to giving the baby up for adoption but when it was born and she held it she decided to keep it.

She hasn't had it easy and like you the Father has bailed on her back to the wife he was supposed to be separated from.

However she doesn't regret keeping her baby. She does regret ever meeting the scumbag that left her in this situation.

Her family has supported her and close friends help her out.

You are in a better situation than her in terms of housing (assuming you can remain where you are). I am not going to give you advice but I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one this has ever happened to you.

CosyNightsOnTheSofa · 18/09/2023 12:22

I think you'll be far more messed up aborting a perfectly healthy baby at this point. I have 3 children myself and couldn't face this. If you really can't cope consider adoption. An abortion this late isn't aborting a clump of cells at 6 weeks. Get some support and just put the situation with the dad to the back of your mind, there are plenty of couples out there struggling to have a baby who would give their right arm to adopt a healthy newborn. You don't have time to think all this through right now and I'd worry this is a knee jerk reaction more over the heartbreak of the relationship being over.

WorkingOnMyMindset · 18/09/2023 12:23

Did the father tell you he wanted you to have an abortion when you told him you were pregnant, or was he happy with the pregnancy until his wife found out about the affair?

I find it surprising that your children don’t know you are five months pregnant.

Tessabelle74 · 18/09/2023 12:24

You have done absolutely NOTHING wrong and there's no wrong decision to be made here. The baby will be a reminder, but it could also be a positive things to come from the situation you've been put in. I have 4 kids and I'd feel torn just like you between what's best for them and for the baby but you have to do what's best for YOU and only you can decide that. There's nothing to feel ashamed of, talk to your Mum or a trusted friend, you'll need the support whatever you decide. Sending you big hugs and some strength x

GoryBory · 18/09/2023 12:25

anotherside · 18/09/2023 12:17

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.

He may have “chosen her” but I wonder for how long his wife will choose him. One solution would be for the husband to end his sham marriage and then take an active involvement in his new child’s life. Does the man have children already - what age are they? Important details.

This is very unlikely.

In all the situations I’ve known about, the man goes back to playing happily families and him and his wife pretend the new baby doesn’t exist.

Sooty20235 · 18/09/2023 12:25

Poor poor you and ignore the anti choice posters. Probably a load of men sent in from some women hating forum.

You as the mother will make the right choice for yourself and family, whatever that is. Either choice is going to be so hard for you all. Its worth thinking about how you will feel if he decides he wants 50/50 on childcare or to be more involved with your lives.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 18/09/2023 12:25

It’s important that you don’t take into consideration his wishes and any pressure from him. Put yourself first and what you want. It’s so hard as when something like this happens it’s hard to think straight.

BreatheAndFocus · 18/09/2023 12:25

I just worry that the baby will be a reminder of me and my shitty mistake and also of him. I love him. What if seeing this baby and having it makes me miss him even more and causes me trauma

You did nothing wrong. The fault is all his. You have nothing to be ashamed of - you were deceived and misled.

The father of one of my DC is an absolute pig and I did consider aborting (at a much earlier stage than your baby) because I felt similar to you. But I told myself it was my baby too and it was a separate person and not to blame for the faults of its father. So, I kept my baby and I don’t regret it at all. They are nothing like their father - not in looks and definitely not in temperament. They are amazing - and very much loved.

He wants you to have an abortion to try to erase the whole episode. It won’t erase it. It will just make it worse IMO.