Hello,
I hope you don't mind me posting on here as I know you've all been chatting for a while now.
I found out on Monday that I was pregnant. This was absolutely not planned. My partner had a vasectomy in March and we, stupidly, made the assumption that it would be fine before getting the result of his sample (he previously had testicular cancer and only has one testicle so we felt the odds were stacked in his favour for it to be successful). I knew immediately that I couldn't continue with the pregnancy. I have three children (2 from my previous marriage and 1 with my current partner). All three were born premature and I had PND after each pregnancy which was worse each time. My youngest has just turned 1 and when he was 9 months old I was admitted to a Mother and Baby psychiatric unit as I was suicidal. The trauma of the premature births, time in NICU, almost losing my eldest when she was 2 weeks old, plus my ex husband cheating on me and walking out on us, has left me very vulnerable. I spent 2 months in the MBU and I am so much better than I was (although there's still a way to go). But I know that I can't take that risk again. If I had gone through with this pregnancy, I would have risked leaving all 4 children without a mother.
I called BPAS on Tuesday and I was really lucky to get a telephone consultation for that day. I got the pills by post and they arrived on Thursday. My partner was due to be away this weekend and he offered not to go as this would be the only opportunity until later in August that my older DC wouldn't be here and I could go through with it in relative comfort without the demands of three children. I didn't want him to pull out of the weekend. But on Thursday I had a complete meltdown. I was 100% sure of my decision but the feelings of doubt were starting to creep in. Not thought, but feelings. The main one being "what if this is my chance to have a full term baby and to have my baby with me on the post natal ward?" But I know that having a baby to have a corrective birth experience is absolutely not the right reason to have a baby. Especially considering there's enough evidence to show that outcome would be unlikely for me.
Anyway, my partner ultimately made the decision that he wouldn't go and I took the mifepristone on Thursday evening and I took the misoprostol last night. The pregnancy was very early (less than 5 weeks) and it wasn't as bad as I expected. I took ibuprofen before I took the misoprostol and that seemed to really help with the pain. After about 4 hours and the second lot of misoprostol the cramps did get a bit worse and not long after that I passed a fairly large clot and after that the cramps eased. I went to bed and was amazed that I didn't wake up in pain during the night as I had expected the pain to be worse than it was. I did have a bit of a cry last night and my partner was very supportive. I felt like I was been cruel and callous, but I do know that terminating this pregnancy could very much be the difference between my children losing their mother or having me for many more years. I can't go back to where I was and the risk was just too high. I feel ok today. A little bit crampy but nothing unbearable and I haven't had to take any pain killers. I've also given my son lots of cuddles.
I just want to say to everyone on here that you've done a very brave thing. It's definitely not easy but you can only do what is right for you at the time. I suspect I may think differently about it at some point in the future. But I do know that my reasons were sound at the time I made the decision and, even if I manage to convince myself in the future that it would have been fine, that was all I could go on at that time.
I hope you're all ok and thank you for taking the time to read this if you got this far.