Abortion at home- petrified

[jellybeansandgin]

Hi, not really sure what I am hoping for by asking for help here. I am having a phone consultation with BPAS tomorrow to start a medical termination. I have been back and forth between keeping baby and having an abortion but ultimately we cannot have another and termination is the only option. I know everyone says it but I never thought I would be in this position. The guilt of the abortion, along with the panic and worry of the pain, bleeding of the abortion itself. I am an absolute wreck. Has anyone been through the medical abortion recently that could share how you got on? I know it will be emotional. I am more concerned about the physical side of things and how I will cope. Thank you xx

@Anonymous354 I wish I could give you a hug right now. I have been the same. Barely “in the moment” for the past week. Been zoned out and obsessively googling every possible side effect and horror story involved. Remind yourself your children are part of the reason you are making this decision. So you can keep being the best version of yourself for them. I hope it’s over quickly for you. Please try to rest and relax. Xx

@jellybeansandgin aww thank you! Virtual hug back too you! You don't know how great this has been to share my thoughts and feeling with someone that understands. I've only just been able to read the full thread as I was that scared. Now I've started the process I feel a lot calmer. I noticed you said your sister was struggling for a baby. Same in my family. Partners side struggling to get pregnant and my sister in law currently pregnant. Had the 4 tablets and no bleeding yet 😩 just in the 2 in the mouth. I have a feeling this isn't going to
Work for me. 😔 got everything crossed though as the hardest bit is getting those tablets in...and the mental too and fro how bad the pain will
Be. So far pain hasn't been bad at all. Scared I haven't reached the peak yet though 😔 x

@Anonymous354 I know what you mean. I am usually a very open person and will chat to anyone about anything. Having to keep this to myself and my partner has been tough. It’s difficult isn’t it when you know people who would do anything for a baby and then there’s us in this position. Remember though that you are able to feel happiness for them being pregnant, sadness for those struggling, and still feel you made the right choice. It is your family and your life. I am hoping things got going for you in the night? How are today? I’ve heard some stories where it took longer to work but once things got going it was pretty quick? I know what you mean about being worried it won’t work. I do feel better this morning, slept pretty much straight through for the first time in weeks. Woke up and took a second to remember what had happened. Xx

Yes that’s exactly why I feel so guilty! But it’s like the nurse said to me you’ve just got to think about what is best for you and your family. I’ve been awake pretty much all night only bleeding really light. Pain has been fine l, but just going to keep topped up just in case. I had a scan on Saturday as I was that beside myself and they said what was there looked about 4 weeks. I’m hoping once I get moving today more will come. Only thing is I’ve got the school run and the baby on my own. You know what I actually felt the calmest I have felt in ages last night. I’m just hoping it gets moving abit more today, so I can get a good sleep tonight. Glad your feeling better 🙂 look after yourself xx

And she is exactly right. I know my circumstances to some would be like “why can’t you have a baby?” But no one knows your family like you do. I think at 4 weeks you will hardly notice anything pass. I was 7 wks 3 days. The largest clot by far I felt pass was 2 hours after the tablets and I am now convinced that was the pregnancy. I do think the more you move around the more things will get going. I noticed a definite change when i was walking around the house to laying down. Even this morning considering I’ve laid down for hours, I was expecting a lot of blood this morning but there hasn’t been much yet. Think it will increase the more I move around x

Just an update - it’s now been nearly 24 hours since the second tablets. Pain has all but stopped, odd few cramps here and there but nothing major. Still bleeding (to be expected for weeks I think) nothing extreme, slept with a bath towel under me as had heard some horrific things, but nothing like I thought it would be. Obviously it’s early days in terms of knowing if everything has worked but so far no nausea today at all, and I have felt nauseous daily for weeks. For anyone dreading this process, like I was, I wish I could go back and tell myself to stop stressing. Of course it’s not a nice thing to go through, but in terms of pain etc it is completely manageable. Last night I was sat on the couch with my Ben and Jerry’s watching tele like a normal Sunday night. I am sure it’s different for everyone but please take it as it comes. I had visions of me being in agony on the bathroom floor, the reality was absolutely nothing like that. I feel a sense of relief today and am thinking of the hopefully better days to come with my family which I haven’t been able to think about for weeks until I was through this. Xx

Glad it's nearly all over, Jelly.

@jellybeansandgin glad to hear your feeling better. I’ve been so worried as I took the first 4 tabs at 9 last night then the second lot at 1am....sat awake all night waiting for it to start....but nothing. Had a little bleeding today, then stopping again so I was worried. I called helpline who said not to worry wait at least 48 hours. I am now passing some clots...sorry for the TMI but it’s a relief. I’m exactly the same. So far I don’t know what I got myself so worked up for. It hasn’t been half as bad as some of the horror stories you read. I was going to wait 2 weeks for surgical and I know I would of been a right mess waiting. This was definitely the right choice for me. The only thing now is the waiting to test but fingers crossed all ok x

I'm going to the clinic tomorrow and I'm starting to get quite nervous now, not in my decision just in having to go to the clinic etc, everything has been over the phone so far. I'm just ready for this week to be over already xx

@GH9687 it’s not nice but just remember your all in the same boat. And the staff are so understanding and supportive. Best of luck x

@Anonymous354 I am so glad you are feeling calmer. The waiting has been the worst part for me definitely. We have done the hard part now it’s just about recovery and starting to feel more ourselves. I have spent the afternoon planning some days out and ordering garden furniture ready for sunny days ahead. Of course I am sad we couldn’t of made it work with a new baby, but I am happy that we made the choice best for us even though it was a hard one. My partner is usually a typical man, could count on one hand the amount of times I have seen him cry in 11 years. He actually came to me last night and shed a few tears. Said he was sorry for me having to go through it, and we would always remember what could of been. But ultimately we put our family as it is above what it could of been. Xx

@GH9687 please try not to worry. I would imagine the clinic is just the same conversation as the phone consultations and honestly it was very straightforward. I didn’t feel judged at any point. I explained my reasons and she was really understanding. She said 1 in 3 women will make this choice at some point. So next time you’re in a crowd, have a look around and you won’t be the only person there who had taken this route. I hope all goes well for you and here if you need to chat xx

Yes I feel so much calmer. I’ve managed to eat a sandwich today...I haven’t eaten much before that since probably Thursday...I’ve never been that stressed I haven’t been able to eat it was awful. Sounds awful but now I know things are moving along I’m looking forward to a good nights sleep...or at least a few hours...again haven’t slept since last Monday. Today I look homeless ...like I have for the last week...so I’ve decided tomorrow I’m going to wash/dry my hair, and put abit of make up on...and normalish clothes.(working from home) so it will be a nice distraction. I feel like we are on the other side! My partner said the same...I don’t think they realise what we have to go through...because if it wouldn’t of been at home he wouldn’t of seen half of it...he’s defo getting booked in for the snip...so that’s a bonus! X

It doesn’t sound awful at all. I completely understand what you mean. I have been nauseous, hormonal, exhausted and stressed for the last 3 weeks. Same as you barely sleeping or eating and I look like a troll 🤣 spending today not feeling sick at all has been a massive mood changer. I actually have energy and am not falling asleep cooking tea. The difference to me since this time last week is crazy. I have thought of nothing else for so long now so actually looking forward to the Easter weekend, having the kids off, making a bit of an effort, I am so glad to be out the other side. I was expecting guilt or to be questioning myself already but can honestly say I haven’t doubted my choice once yet. It’s made me so much more appreciative of what I already have xx

@jellybeansandgin sorry I didn't realise you had replied. Hope you are feeling better again today! I'm bleeding but only very lightly and have a slight pulling on the left side still. Feel fine just extremely tired. I've rang MSI and they are booking me in for a scan just to check everything is progressing as it should. Your definitely right! Hope you have a lovely Easter with your family x

Hi @Anonymous354, I hope you don't mind me messaging. You mentioned that you're bleeding was also very light, I'm experiencing the same and looking for some reassurance I guess...I inserted the 4 tablets at 2 and then dissolved the 2 tablets at 5, I've got bad cramps and back pain but only lightly bleeding xx

Yes no problem. To be honest that sounds more than what I had. I inserted the 4 tabs Sunday at 9. Then 2 tabs at 1 am. I had cramping but no bleeding. Bleeding didn’t start properly until lunch time Monday. It’s never been heavy though. I’m booked in for a scan tomorrow. I was only 4 weeks though...but keep having pressure on the left side so il let you know. How many weeks if you don’t mind me asking? X

I had a scan yesterday and she thought I was very early, not even 5 weeks, she struggled to see anything even after performing an internal scan. My back pain is really bad (which is my usual period pain) and then I've got cramping on and off but then almost sharp pain shooting from my hips/pelvic area as well xx

Yeah I have back pain too. The only reason I called and got advise is because the nurse when I picked up my medication said there will be a lot of bleeding initially. But without sound gross in my head I’m thinking 4 weeks surely there might just be a bit more than a period. I’ve only had light bleeding and only lost a couple of clots. The nurse I spoke to last night said at 4 weeks she wouldn’t expect lots of bleeding...but I’ve reminded everyone I’ve spoken too how early I was and they have still insisted I would have a big bleed. I will let you know what I find tomorrow at the scan . Best of luck to you. Hope your not in too much discomfort x

Thank you so much for getting back to me. My hot water bottle is my best friend at the moment, hoping I'll sleep through tonight and maybe feel abit less pain tomorrow. Let me know how you get on tomorrow. So glad that there's such great support online xxx

I will let you know. Try some heat on your back too. I had a heat pad that lasts 12 hours that really helped. Hope you get a good nights sleep x

@GH9687 just an update for you. Just back from the clinic. I explained all symptoms as in light bleeding and pulling on the left side. They did say as it's not ages since I had the treatment there might not be much they can do. They did a scan could t see any pregnancy which they said is obliviously is a good sign. The sonographer then spoke to the surgeon who suggested pregnancy testing, if it was a faint positive (This can happen due to hormones leaving your body) I would have to go back in a week. If it was a strong positive they would do an internal scan. They did 2 tests one every so slightly positive and one negative. They said everything seems as it should and carry on, test 3 weeks after treatment to be sure. Both the nurse and sonographer said as I was very early...practically 4 weeks that could explain the little bleeding. Hope your doing ok x

Hi @Anonymous354, I hope this have you some comfort and reassurance. My bleeding became heavier mid morning and seems to be slowing slightly now so I feel I may have passed the cells and today.

I was also very early when they scanned me so explains why our bleeding hasn't been as heavy as either of us expected. I think as we have both read up about the process on forums like this one we were probably both expecting extreme pain/bleeding where maybe our experience has been quite common just not as heavily discussed as the horror stories?!

Do you feel any better for being to see the clinic?xx

Yeah I do feel a little better...although I still have this pain on the left side 🙈 the clinic were really nice and said at any point I feel like somethings not right phone them and get and appointment so I feel a little better.

The first nurse I spoke to last week was saying out of all the women she speaks to the majority have an experience like ours. And it’s like my partner says if something goes smoothly you don’t take the time out to write a review, where as if you have a bad experience your more likely to try and warn people.

Hopefully it’s over soon for both of us. Here if you need a chat 🙂 x

Just wanted to say hello and that I’m going through this too. I took the second lot of tablets this morning and since then have passed several big clots. Bleeding seems to be lightening up a bit now. Part of me feels a bit weird as I haven’t had much in the way of pain, though I’ve been taking paracetamol and ibuprofen (can’t have codeine as breastfeeding) and I was preparing myself for that. My DS will be home in a few mins and I’m looking forward to seeing him.

Hoping everyone going through this is ok today.