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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Shall I tell my ex I am pregnant

203 replies

Ammy85 · 11/03/2021 17:48

Hi all,

I am currently 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My partner and I broke up a couple of weeks ago but it has been a toxic and damaged relationship for the last 4 years so walking away I felt free for once ...I have no found out I am pregnant but I want nothing to do with him, he was abusive emotionally and a narcissist and I know if I tell him he will try and worm his way back.
Being a first time mum and moving out of our flat to back to mums and investing all my savings into his business I am now scared and financially screwed .
Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am now starting to doubt keeping the baby and am so stressed out !
Ps. I am 34

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 11/03/2021 17:55

I think you need to be sure about having the baby or not first. Keep him out of the equation and your head until you've decided.

Original poster
Ammy85 · 11/03/2021 18:15

Agreed- I'm just being told by friends he has a right to know etc etc ...I've never thought I'd be a solo mum and have no idea what to expect or how I will cope but the thought of an abortion at my age is just unimaginable ..I guess my worry is not so much telling him but the fear of doing this alone ...some friends I know who have done it solo say it's easy others say it's tough

OP posts:
Mooselaurels · 11/03/2021 18:17

If he's abusive and narcissistic having his baby may be a very bad idea - it gives him a route to control you and make your life a misery for 18 years

elenacampana · 11/03/2021 18:18

This isn’t your friends’ decision to make. Their focus should be your wellbeing as should yours.

I agree with the PP, keep him out of it and work out where you stand with yourself.

highlightsonlyplease · 11/03/2021 18:34

@elenacampana

This isn’t your friends’ decision to make. Their focus should be your wellbeing as should yours.

I agree with the PP, keep him out of it and work out where you stand with yourself.

Agreed. Although that fact your friends know it's his baby concerns me, will need get back to him? How bad was the abuse? Worth going to the police about it?
Original poster
Ammy85 · 11/03/2021 18:37

That's my worry being stuck with him - he has a daughter who is 16 she lives away with her mum but he was never really there due to "reasons he has never told me" turns out he used to abuse his ex 16 years ago and he also has a son who he has never met- I've only found this out the last year about the son.
He has been desperate for a baby to fix our relationship but I fell out of love a year ago and I don't want to tell him in fear of being stuck with him due to the baby
My only reasons for ever terminating the child would be to get him out my life but would that be fair on the child to do - I am so torn and the stress is not helping

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 11/03/2021 18:37

In your shoes I'd have an abortion. He sounds awful father material, i wouldn't inflict him on a kid.

pinkyredrose · 11/03/2021 18:39

but would that be fair on the child to do It’s not a child and won't be for a long time.

en0la · 11/03/2021 18:47

At 34 I would be deciding based on if I wanted children or not, you don't have to put him on the birth certificate or let him be involved.

Dozer · 11/03/2021 18:51

Your friends’ advice is bad. He does NOT have a ‘right’ to know. Continuing with this pregnancy or not is solely your choice.

There are strong reasons to terminate IMO. Your ex is v unlikely to be even an OK father to your DC and you could well have to deal with his bullshit/abusive behaviour, and his impact on the DC, for 18 years, and beyond.

GingerFigs · 11/03/2021 18:53

Make the decision that is right for you, not what your friends think, they should be supporting you, not him.

Personally I would abort. At the moment it's not a baby, its a bunch of cells. Don't be beholden to this man forever by having his child. It ties you to him for the rest of your life.

Walk away and start your new life, free of him. Meet someone who is right for you and have a child with them.

Orchidflower1 · 11/03/2021 18:55

If you want the baby then do not have an abortion just because the df is a sh!t.

You sound like you have plenty of support. Tell him once the baby is here.

Original poster
Ammy85 · 11/03/2021 19:07

I'm literally in two minds and the longer I leave it the worse it gets- the attachment and knowing he will stay in my life sickens me and the thought of potentially ruining a chance of motherhood is also sickening .
Thanks for your advice however some really valid points .
My friends will never tell him they hate him they just feel it's "the right thing to do" especially as it's "very hard" doing it alone

OP posts:
Greenmarmalade · 11/03/2021 19:11

Do not tell him.
Do not put him on the birth certificate.
Do not send photos in a moment of guilt or weakness.

Or you’ll have to leave your precious child with him for potentially 50% of the time- without you. Regardless of his abusive past .

Tell your friends straight to keep quiet. Stay off social media. Spread a rumour about a new fling- this can be the ‘father.’

Greenmarmalade · 11/03/2021 19:13

It is hard being a single mum. It’s a million times harder dealing with an abusive ex and father of your child.

Your child does not need or deserve a useless parent like him.

Dozer · 11/03/2021 19:25

Your friends really have no clue, eh? If they think it’d be easier to co parent with an abusive loser than be alone/have an abortion.

Even if OP tried to hide the DC from her ex the odds are high he’d find out and, initially, want contact.

Ozziewoz · 11/03/2021 19:30

If you do tell him, I would ensure you are fully prepared for any future crap. Keep all communication by email. Keep them all. Document everything in on place so you don't lose it. In the event of it all going pair shaped, you have his behaviours, evidence to use to protect yourself and your child. So many of us havent had this but wish we did.

StopGo · 11/03/2021 19:30

One of your so called 'friends' will tell I'm you are pregnant with his child. You won't be able to keep the news from him.

Do you really want him to have this hold over you? I'd terminate and maybe consider a sperm donor later on. Good luck.

Ozziewoz · 11/03/2021 19:32

PS, you can have the baby, and if he's motivated, he can apply for a child arrangements order for contact. If he fails to keep to the agreement, then he loses contact. That way you are protexted from the beginning.

FTEngineerM · 11/03/2021 19:34

You’ve seen him be awful to his two children he already has, it won’t be any different with yours regardless of what he says.

FWIW I wouldn’t tell him whether you choose to keep it or not. It’ll be a tool to control you as PPs said.

mummyof2lou · 11/03/2021 19:38

If you have the baby you should tell him (but no harm in waiting until nearer the birth so you can have some time away from him). The baby deserves the right to know who its parents are. I don't agree with not putting his name on the birth certificate for that reason.

Original poster
Ammy85 · 11/03/2021 19:40

I agree he will find out regardless - he is crazy once had me followed but I will not get into that . So hiding it is out the question , co parenting is pointless , better yet telling him will be pointless because he will say "are you sure it's mine " it's a frigging pandemic and national lockdown I'm hardly going to shag the postman ! It's just too much of a damaged situation to bring a child into , I'm so stressed it serai my is not healthy if I decide to abort as others have said it is only cells now but the guilt is making me sick . He is still trying to worm his way back in but I am totally out of love to the pony where I look at him and think "I can not stand to be near you , you are really not a nice man" , a bit like when you go beyond the hate you feel.
Again I appreciate all the feedback it has opened my eyes and really is making me reflect and easier to hear things straight from you guys who do not even know me.
Also lastly sorry the questions - for the older audience here is it true conceiving is harder after 35 ? My periods are all over the place and I once had a gp say you are getting older and this was 2 years back which is another reason I'm so conflicted on my choice.

OP posts:
MixedUpFiles · 11/03/2021 19:44

If you decide to terminate, I would not bother telling him. If you proceed, even if you try to hide it, he may find out and he has the right to petition the court for age appropriate custody.

londongirl12 · 11/03/2021 19:46

I'm sorry you're going through this Op. yes it is harder, but not impossible to conceive the older you get. You need to think about you - do you actually want a baby, regardless of him?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/03/2021 19:48

Given how unhinged and abusive this man is, I would absolutely terminate this pregnancy. Being tied to him would be a nightmare, and no child should have to endure that.