19 and Pregnant after having an abortion 3 months ago. Head vs heart should I keep it or not ?

[crawhl]

I My boyfriend and I started dating in September, I got pregnant in October and had an abortion.

I’m 19, he is 22. We haven’t got everything we need and we’re young. We’ve been a couple for 2/3 months and have only been dating 6 months ... Money could be a struggle but I think I would make it work.

I had an abortion in November. We hadn’t know each other long so he just assumed I’d want an abortion.

And of course logically I knew I needed to have one and I wanted one at first. But the process of the abortion was long and I was sad to be getting rid of it by the end.

Abortion is the most painful things mentally and physically wether you want to get rid of the potential baby or not. The first abortion I had was the most painful thing I had ever experienced so I phoned the clinic and they told me that it can be as painful as childbirth especially if you haven’t given birth before.

3 months later, here I am pregnant again. I have told him and, of course, I’m getting another abortion. He didn’t even ask “so what do you want to do”.

And obviously I cannot have a child. I’m 19. Haven’t know my boyfriend long enough. It would be unfair on him. His whole family may dislike me, they may see it as me “trapping” him. I haven’t got enough money to be completely comfortable but there are people with less then me that make it work.

If I wasn’t pregnant, I wouldn’t want a baby. But there’s something about being pregnant that makes you really broody. My head knows that I can’t. But my heart is so sad to have to go through all this pain again. I don’t want to. I can’t have a baby but I want one.

I don’t know what to do.

Can I have it ? Not really ...

This isn’t really a single question I’m just asking for advice on this whole situation.

Thank you for reading and for any replies.

And people whose children end up neglected and abused still say they don't regret them. Even when they are clearly incapable of parenting them

That’s such a great point.

@Magnificentmug12

Your only allowed a certain amount of abortions I think. My cousin had 2/3 and on the 3/4 she had to keep it as they would t do another one. She had them all by the time she was 20 though. Just a heads up.

Your making poor life choices here-do you have any goals? Do you want certain things from life? You should re asses your life, your only 19.

Erm. Not true in the slightest.

That is akin to saying to type 2 diabetics you can’t have meds unless you lose weight.

Everyone deserves health care.. we all make choices that we may regret for one reason or another.

@Bbq1

Horrible. To even be considering a second termination in FOUR months... If you are mature enough to be having sex you should be mature enough to sort contraception. You clearly aren't. You do know abortion isn't a handy form of contraception don't you? You can't continue to abort as contraception. You haven't just woken up one morning and found out you are 'accidentally 'pregnant again, you know how you are getting pregnant right? If it's a second life you are going to end, don't end anymore.

it's a second life you are going to end, don't end anymore

It’s not a second life she’s ending.
Do you say the same when a man dumps his load in a tissue instead of in a vagina? ‘All those babies lost... all those lives ended.. weep’

Be realistic. Abortions are there if you find yourself pregnant and you don’t want to be. I think everyone can agree that OP needs some help with contraception and working through some issues which I’m sure she’ll find after this.

On mumsnet, all teenage mothers go to university, get high flying jobs and end on 6 figure salaries by the time they are 25.

Meanwhile, in the real world...

@JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority

On mumsnet, all teenage mothers go to university, get high flying jobs and end on 6 figure salaries by the time they are 25.

Meanwhile, in the real world...

I did 🥰

Shaming and putting down young mothers doesn't motivate them, btw

Nobody can tell you what to do. I think you need to have counselling to sort out your feeling. And make sure in future you use reliable contraception.

@VodselForDinner

I personally can't believe anyone is giving her definitive advice either way - "have the baby" or "have an abortion". How is anyone on here in a position to make that particular judgement for her? Insane.

Answering the specific question that the OP asked isn’t judgement. The title of the thread literally asks “should I keep it or not?”.

Judgement in the sense of trying to tell her what to do. Come on seriously, not one of us is arrogant enough to believe we can make such a momentous decision about whether or not to keep a child on behalf of another person?!

@JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority

On mumsnet, all teenage mothers go to university, get high flying jobs and end on 6 figure salaries by the time they are 25.

Meanwhile, in the real world...

I'm a Dr with a PhD earning a really good salary.
My child was born when I was 20, so just out of the teen years. It can happen.

Wow! Just remember before you make these vile comments, she is a 19 year old girl! And at 19 you haven't matured, you don't necessarily have the life experience to cope with huge decisions and she has made a ton of mistakes- but don't we all! Stones and glass houses spring to mind!

Op, you have got yourself into a terrible mess, I think you know this. You now have to make that heartbreaking choice which will impact you for the rest of your life. If you have someone to speak too please try too. And when you have decided what you are going to do, learn from the situation and put in place strategies to never let this happen again.

And either way, you can do this. With the right level of determination you could work your ass off and get a job and be a good mom. I went to uni did a masters, worked full time at the same time, had a baby, a result of an abusive relationship which meant I went to court for two years to get him out of our lives- but I did it! Now have a happy loving family.

You can do it, if you want it, but if you don't ensure you talk to people as things like this impact you for life. Wishing you all the best op.

[quote Sumwin1]@LouJ85 we all judge on MN at some point. What advice do you want people to give![/quote]

I'll repeat - judgment in the sense of trying to make a definitive decision for the OP. Judge away on a moral level, if that's your thing. I'm saying not one of us who isn't the OP, can possibly tell her the answer to such a huge and significant life decision.

[quote Sumwin1]@LouJ85 we all judge on MN at some point. What advice do you want people to give![/quote]

The kind of advice many have given without directly telling her whether or not to keep or abort her child. Speak to someone your trust, get support in real life, etc etc.

I'm sorry but if anyone believes they can make this decision on another person's behalf, it's an absolutely astounding level of arrogance.

Wow! Just remember before you make these vile comments, she is a 19 year old girl! And at 19 you haven't matured, you don't necessarily have the life experience to cope with huge decisions and she has made a ton of mistakes- but don't we all!

Exactly.

@JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority Absolutely I fully agree with you.

I think it’s terrible to be like “well I’m a dr”.@LouJ85

It’s very misleading for a start you must have had a VERY good support network to study at level... not everyone does unfortunately.

I think it’s terrible to be like “well I’m a dr”.*@LouJ85

It’s very misleading for a start you must have had a VERY good support network to study at level... not everyone does unfortunately.*

You can think it's "terrible" all you like.
I personally think telling a vulnerable teenager on the internet to abort her child is disgusting but whatever. 🤷‍♀️

No - I didn't. I moved 150 miles from my hometown to further my career as a single mum when my daughter was 3. She's now 14 and I've completed 3 uni degrees in that time and worked my way up.

I didn't have "very good" support - I had a determination to succeed and provide the best life for my daughter.

@Sumwin1

How the hell is it "misleading" to give an accurate representation of my life? 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Sumwin1

And when I say 150 miles from my hometown - I mean from all my family support. I knew literally not one person in the new town my daughter and I relocated to.

OP, I’m sorry this is happening to you, but you need advice regarding contraception moving forward. This is not healthy for your body.

@LouJ85 well done

[quote FTEngineerM]@LouJ85 well done [/quote]

Thank you

Welcome @LouJ85 some seem to think that your brain falls out of your vagina as you push the baby out.

Superb effort on moving away for better prospects.

OP could always be novel join the OU or do something wild and out there and use the creche at the university. All is not lost.

@FTEngineerM

Haha no my brain definitely didn't fall out of my vagina, thankfully.

It was tough, tough slog of course - but it's all been worth it to provide the life I have for her. That's all that matters now. And we're very settled in our new area now of course, having been here over 10 years. This is very much home now for us both.

Please don’t have the baby. I get that your hormones are all over the place, but you clearly don’t really want a baby and who can blame you, you’re 19. Your boyfriend sounds like he’s definitely not The One and if you have a baby you’ll be tied to him for the rest of your life. I’ve known lots of people have unplanned pregnancies or who are the results of unplanned pregnancies.... the majority of those relationships have not ended with happy marriages and life long love, quite the opposite. Of course, nobody (or very few people) regret their child, but many regret getting stuck in relationships with people they would never have chosen as mature adults.

[quote LouJ85]@Sumwin1

And when I say 150 miles from my hometown - I mean from all my family support. I knew literally not one person in the new town my daughter and I relocated to. [/quote]
You did very well indeed juggling 13+ hour shifts as an F1 and and SHO with no family support Hats off to you along side your exams if that was the case!

I’m sorry but “teenager” OP has fallen pregnant twice did you in a short amount of time.

Some comments seem harsh but I think it may be a case of being cruel to be kind.

Not everyone is as level headed... 19 “teenager” I agree with you there. If that’s what OP views herself as a teen she will have a rude awakening to motherhood!

@Kittykat93

I dont think what bbq1 said is disgusting at all..its the truth which is sometimes hard to hear. I think what's disgusting is a couple having multiple terminations because they cant be arsed to go on the pill or put a condom on.

This.

For goodness sake it's not as if the NHS don't have anything better to do.

You need to grow up and fast.