19 and Pregnant after having an abortion 3 months ago. Head vs heart should I keep it or not ?

[crawhl]

I My boyfriend and I started dating in September, I got pregnant in October and had an abortion.

I’m 19, he is 22. We haven’t got everything we need and we’re young. We’ve been a couple for 2/3 months and have only been dating 6 months ... Money could be a struggle but I think I would make it work.

I had an abortion in November. We hadn’t know each other long so he just assumed I’d want an abortion.

And of course logically I knew I needed to have one and I wanted one at first. But the process of the abortion was long and I was sad to be getting rid of it by the end.

Abortion is the most painful things mentally and physically wether you want to get rid of the potential baby or not. The first abortion I had was the most painful thing I had ever experienced so I phoned the clinic and they told me that it can be as painful as childbirth especially if you haven’t given birth before.

3 months later, here I am pregnant again. I have told him and, of course, I’m getting another abortion. He didn’t even ask “so what do you want to do”.

And obviously I cannot have a child. I’m 19. Haven’t know my boyfriend long enough. It would be unfair on him. His whole family may dislike me, they may see it as me “trapping” him. I haven’t got enough money to be completely comfortable but there are people with less then me that make it work.

If I wasn’t pregnant, I wouldn’t want a baby. But there’s something about being pregnant that makes you really broody. My head knows that I can’t. But my heart is so sad to have to go through all this pain again. I don’t want to. I can’t have a baby but I want one.

I don’t know what to do.

Can I have it ? Not really ...

This isn’t really a single question I’m just asking for advice on this whole situation.

Thank you for reading and for any replies.

In your shoes I would terminate and then get rid of the boyfriend. I understand well what pregnancy hormones do to you, as I think do you, but you are defining the course of the rest of your life here.

You've had a really difficult experience terminating a pregnancy, but then between you have not managed to use contraception to stop the same thing happening again.

Contraception is his responsibility as well as yours. In my head this speaks loudly of lack of respect for your body and mental health.

This is not the foundations of a good, trusting relationship into which you bring the lifelong responsibility of a child.

Why are neither of you using contraception?

I'd go through the whole rigma of asking why neither of you are using contraception but what's done is done. Honestly it's 100% your choice and he can decide to be involved or not but honestly having a baby isn't fun at all, my baby is 3 weeks old and honestly this has been the hardest three weeks of my life and I have help but it's still hard and not something I'd suggest someone went into if they weren't 100 percent sure they wanted one, you're only young and have all the time in the world to have children when you have a better partner, more stable etc etc for example at 19 I was with an asshole similar to you and had an abortion, best thing I ever did, by 23 I was married and a home owner and now at 27 I'm a mum, it's up to you and you'll love your baby and whatever you choose you'll cope one way or another but you really need to think about it and start making plans either way but honestly my first step with or without the abortion would be to get rid of the bf and then plan my next steps. Good luck with whatever you choose op x

What a heartbreaking dilemma.

It sounds like the relationship is over, whatever you do. And it sounds like you're not in the ideal position for having a child - not the way I imagine you'd dreamed of becoming a mother.

But as you say, people make it work, even in worse circumstances than yours. Of course you're grieving over the prospect of having to say goodbye to another unborn child, so soon.

But you don't have to. You could choose to let this one turn your life upsidedown, and I suspect you'd always be glad you did...

Do what you need to do but please get yourself some reliable contraception!!

Abortion is not contraception. Get some.

Ahhh OP. Why wasn’t your BF using condoms? I would look into contraception ASAP.

He sounds rubbish I agree with the other poster you need to get rid of him.

Why are you not using contraception?

Get rid of the boyfriend and use contraception op. Your boyfriend sounds shit and he is not someone you want to be tied to for the rest of your life.

You have some very sexist views about having babies and 'trapping' men. Maybe read the feminism boards and consider whether YOU feel able to raise the baby you're carrying, not what's best for your immature boyfriend.

I had a baby not much older than you, on my own. It can be done, but it was very very hard. I sacrificed a lot. The good thing is though it made me very picky with men and gave me strong boundaries.

Jesus, surely after having such a difficult time with the first termination you would of sorted out some proper contraception?

I have name changed to answer this.

Hi OP,

I was just 19 when I found out I was expecting my first baby. I worked the dates out and I was 18 when I got pregnant (less than two weeks before 19th birthday) and found out five days after I turned 19. I had a boyfriend of nine months who lived on the other side of the country. I considered an abortion but no one supported that decision (my family or boyfriend) so I ended up going through with it. I now have a daughter who is everything to me (as is my second child) but it's really hard. I married my boyfriend (after I had my daughter) but I think that if I hadn't gone through with the pregnancy, we'd have split up by now. We love each other but we were too young (or not mature enough) to get married and raise a family together because we didn't know each other well enough. We have different views and parenting styles. That makes it harder. Given that your relationship is very new, you may experience the same thing. Would he stand by his child if you split up or would he leave you to deal with it? That's something. To consider. Could you do it alone?

There's a lot more than that but I'm tired, however you can always inbox me or ask me anything here and I'll answer honestly. I love my daughter so much but if I could've waited 10 years (and had her), I so would have. I don't have a good job, money is always tight and my husband and I are just doing our best. We are happy but having different parenting styles makes it harder. Of course, my story isn't representative of everyone who becomes a parent at 19/20 but we have little family support and it is hard. That doesn't mean it's impossible. Please don't let him pressure you into anything though. It's entirely your decision. If you don't go through with it, please seek contraception to save yourself this heartache again- I say that with as much kindness as possible. I'd recommend something that you can just forget about eg the implant or coil, as that way you don't have to take a pill everyday and risk pregnancy if you forget to take one. Take care

Why am I up at 3am? My four year old is having temporary insomnia. The joys.

It’s your body and life so your choice. You seriously need to start using contraception if you don’t want to fall pregnant, especially in such a new relationship. Book in for the implant or coil and maybe start using condoms too.

I had a baby at your age, it’s not fun and you will miss out on so much. Obviously I love my child and I’m glad I went through with my pregnancy but, if I could have my time again I definitely wouldn’t have a baby at that age.

I was quite mature but I was completely out of my depth. I used to wish someone would just take the baby away. Looking back, although his needs were all met I wouldn’t say I was a particularly good mum compared to when I had my other children.

Having a baby at that age also meant I got stuck with my then boyfriend. We ended up staying together much longer than we would have had we not had a baby, we had more children and what would have probably fizzled out in a few years became a 20 year relationship. The relationship wasn’t good as we both completely changed as people. Bizarrely I ended up having an abortion at 30 as I accidentally got pregnant but by this time was smart enough to know that the relationship wasn’t working. We split soon after.

If you think the pain of an abortion is bad then you will be in for a shock with labour and the weeks of pain after it. I definitely wasn’t mentally prepared for the pain of labour and was ill for 6 weeks after.

Please sort out contraception, get something long term like a coil or implant.

If that's your choice- then that's your choice- ultimately it's not his, have you actually discussed it though? He may have assumed as this has happened once recently, that you still feel the same way? Can you discuss with your Dr contraception options, as this one may affect you long term if you keep using it.

Once is an accident twice is being incredibly irresponsible. Abortion isn't a form of contraception

‘Here I am, pregnant again’

Ever heard of contraception?

If you do have this baby you will need a mature adult who can help you to parent the child. Honestly if you aren't mature enough to sort out contraception I doubt you are mature enough to be responsible for a child.

The relationship is over anyway.

So the question is, do you want to be a single mum, now, at 19?Actually want it. Not don't want an abortion, not don't want two. Do you actually want to spend the next two decades raining a child to adulthood?

And either way, get reliable contraception sorted out.

It doesn’t sound like you’re ready for a baby OP. And it doesn’t sound like you want one, when you’re not under the influence of hormones.

Whatever you decide to do, please sort out a reliable form of contraception because whatever you’re doing (or not doing) at the moment isn’t working. You can’t keep putting your body through this, so speak to your GP about a reliable method so you don’t get pregnant again until you want to.

You’re a women, sort out your birth control and stop getting pregnant. What a horrific thing to put your body though unnecessary.