19 and Pregnant after having an abortion 3 months ago. Head vs heart should I keep it or not ?

[crawhl]

I My boyfriend and I started dating in September, I got pregnant in October and had an abortion.

I’m 19, he is 22. We haven’t got everything we need and we’re young. We’ve been a couple for 2/3 months and have only been dating 6 months ... Money could be a struggle but I think I would make it work.

I had an abortion in November. We hadn’t know each other long so he just assumed I’d want an abortion.

And of course logically I knew I needed to have one and I wanted one at first. But the process of the abortion was long and I was sad to be getting rid of it by the end.

Abortion is the most painful things mentally and physically wether you want to get rid of the potential baby or not. The first abortion I had was the most painful thing I had ever experienced so I phoned the clinic and they told me that it can be as painful as childbirth especially if you haven’t given birth before.

3 months later, here I am pregnant again. I have told him and, of course, I’m getting another abortion. He didn’t even ask “so what do you want to do”.

And obviously I cannot have a child. I’m 19. Haven’t know my boyfriend long enough. It would be unfair on him. His whole family may dislike me, they may see it as me “trapping” him. I haven’t got enough money to be completely comfortable but there are people with less then me that make it work.

If I wasn’t pregnant, I wouldn’t want a baby. But there’s something about being pregnant that makes you really broody. My head knows that I can’t. But my heart is so sad to have to go through all this pain again. I don’t want to. I can’t have a baby but I want one.

I don’t know what to do.

Can I have it ? Not really ...

This isn’t really a single question I’m just asking for advice on this whole situation.

Thank you for reading and for any replies.

OP this breaks my heart as I have a daughter only 4 years younger than you.

Please, please, please discuss with your GP / a sexual health clinic about contraception options, as soon as possible.

I wish I could help you with your dilemma of whether to keep this baby or not, but only you can make that decision I'm afraid. Can you discuss it with a trusted family member? I feel like you need some support in real life with this.

I had my daughter at the age of 20 and I can tell you, it's incredibly tough to be a young mum. I made it work and I now have a successful career and she's in her teens. It's not impossible - but I don't know you, so I can't advise you whether it's right for you or not.

Wishing you the best of luck

Hi OP, I am sorry you find yourself in a difficult situation and that you have received some quite harsh comments here. I imagine you can understand why you have received them but I am not sure if they are helpful in your situation so I hope that you can ignore them and read through other comments from posters which are more helpful.

I had an abortion at 19 and felt similarly to you - the hormones do strange things to you and make you wish you had a baby, even though I think in your head you probably recognise it is not necessarily the best thing to have a child whilst still so young yourself. I can honestly say that 11 years on I am extremely glad that I was not tied to my boyfriend at the time and would not have the life I have now if I had not had the abortion. You may wish to travel or get a job with unsociable hours or just go out every night with your friends after shitty COVID has gone away - and you won’t have as much of a chance to if you are pregnant or with a baby in tow.

On the other hand, I imagine many people who have had children young have not regretted their decision as having a child can be such a blessing - I had my little boy at 28 and he is just amazing. It depends on whether you feel you can manage a baby by yourself (it is VERY hard work in the early days and beyond) as your boyfriend doesn’t sound like the kind of person you might want around long term. Also whether you are happy to give up other ‘normal’ things that your friends might be doing, like I mentioned above.

The final thing to consider is the physical and mental toll of another abortion on your body. I think I have blanked out the day of the abortion itself as I found it traumatic but I do remember it being painful. Can you put your body through that again, can you get advice about a different type of abortion eg. Surgical rather than medical? I know a general anaesthetic is a scary thought but if you decide on an abortion it might be a better option for you so soon after another abortion (just presuming is was medical).

I hope my advice is helpful for you and I wish you luck with whatever choice you make

Ever heard of contraception and STDs

@Potatoespuds the most constructive advice anyone can offer is 'sort some damn contraception out.' Like I say, there's a big enough focus on it when you make arrangements to terminate a pregnancy. If you have a surgical abortion, they can literally put a coil/implant in straight after. NOT getting contraception despite being fully informed says to me that OP wants to be pregnant, for whatever reason. She's deliberately put herself back in that situation.

(Along with the boyfriend 🙄)

Bloody hell, abortion is not a form of contraception. You can go on the pill for free. Utterly irresponsible.

@Potatoespuds

Some of messages here are pretty awful to a vulnerable 19 year old girl. She’s made a mistake and she’s not the first to make it more than once.

OP think about the future you can give your child and think about how you’d support a child. Also find someone in real life you can speak to who knows you and can help you make a decision.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

On what grounds is OP vulnerable?

@Borntohula

Some of messages here are pretty awful to a vulnerable 19 year old girl. She’s made a mistake and she’s not the first to make it more than once.

What do you expect though? Unplanned pregnancy and a resulting abortion is no reason to judge but another unplanned pregnancy almost straightaway when they make a point of discussing contraception with you? What's that all about? Add to that the fact that some women reading will be struggling to get pregnant at all. Not OP's fault but I can definitely see why people are judging harshly.

Women suffering from infertility should protect their feelings by not reading the "pregnancy choices" sections. This is an area for women who have become pregnant and need advice about termination, they shouldn't have to worry about the fertility problems of other women whilst posting in this section for advice. Ffs. OP it's a shitty situation, if this were me I would terminate the pregnancy and the relationship, get yourself on long-term contraception and learn from this.

@Bungal00 it's in 'active,' I personally didn't even realise it was 'pregnancy choices.'

@Babamamananarama

In your shoes I would terminate and then get rid of the boyfriend. I understand well what pregnancy hormones do to you, as I think do you, but you are defining the course of the rest of your life here.

You've had a really difficult experience terminating a pregnancy, but then between you have not managed to use contraception to stop the same thing happening again.

Contraception is his responsibility as well as yours. In my head this speaks loudly of lack of respect for your body and mental health.

This is not the foundations of a good, trusting relationship into which you bring the lifelong responsibility of a child.

All of this.

Terminate and focus on your education and life, not boyfriends. Get some counseling and be more responsible with contraception.

@CherryRoulade one of my closest friends had a baby at 16. 16!! She is a loving mother to 3 now. She was loving back then and extremely responsible. Her child was not disadvantaged. The father wasn't involved. Still not disadvantaged.
My friend worked damn hard and provided for that little girl.

@Borntohula

Your judgment of this child potentially being disadvantaged is outdated and wrong. You have no basis to judge that this child will be missing out on the most important things it needs.

@Borntohula it's not unreasonable to expect some compassion towards a 19 year old girl. Especially when she's being pressured into something she doesn't want to do. She didnt want to do it the first time so it's no surprise she finds herself back here, pregnant, wanting a child.

Ugh... post fail 🙄 tagged borntohula in the middle of my reply to cherryroulade

I agree with the PP who advised you to find someone to speak to on real life. It's a very difficult situation and you need proper support. One thing I would say though is that I had a termination for medical reasons nearly 7 years ago and I still think about the baby that I could of had every day. What I am saying is - whatever choice you make it will stay with you forever, so please choose wisely.

@PlinkPlink although your post could apply to me too, I suppose. I'm not devoid of compassion anyway, I've had an abortion and I found it an unpleasant experience. I just don't understand why OP is trying to kid herself or anyone else. Obviously wants a baby.

Op why aren't you and your boyfriend using contraception? To put yourself willingly through 2 unwanted pregnancies in such quick succession sounds like an act of self sabotage to me.

With the baby, I have no advice, you have a difficult decision to make and I wish you the best. But you are very young, put yourself first and do what you feel is best for you.

However your boyfriend is an absolute arsehole, get rid of him today!!

It's actually quite common for women to get pregnant again soon after having an abortion. Particularly if you didn't really want to end the pregnancy in the first place.

Op, if you don't want to have an abortion then don't have one. It will be very hard, you will likely have to bring up your child on your own but that isn't a reason not to go ahead if you decide that it's what you want to do.

If you do decide to end this pregnancy as well, please consider counselling to help you come to terms with how you're feeling as well as discussing your contraception options so that you don't have to go through this again.

I think you both need to grow up and speak to your GP about reliable forms of contraception.

Hey OP.
I hope the other comments havent made you run away from here. People assume that just because your unmarried, young and don't have a good job yet, you wont be able to provide. This assumption is totally wrong. There are some young parents out there, who are brilliant and have little income/support. You just need to be determined enough to make it work.
However it wont be easy. There are several things you need to consider.
If your bf isnt willing to support you, you need to be prepared to be a single mum. Are you ready for that?

By the sounds of it - you are absolutely not mature enough to be having a baby. I don't even mean to be harsh, but in 3 months to be in this position again is really irresponsible. 19 is young, but in all legal terms you're an adult. You need to get some reliable contraception, and start taking this more seriously. Abortion isn't a form of contraception.
Going through two terminations in the space of 4 months is going to be so hard on you mentally and physically. Your bf sounds like a dick and tbh you're better off without him.
If I were you I'd book the termination, and leave the dickhead. Walk away from both with a clean slate, get some contraception and start thinking about a life goal. All the best

@PlinkPlink

Ugh... post fail 🙄 tagged borntohula in the middle of my reply to cherryroulade

No. Every statistic shows that the children of very young, unmarried mothers with unplanned pregnancy and lower attainment do suffer huge disadvantage. There may be a few young mothers who do OK, but the vast majority have chosen to bring a child into a world of poverty and limitations.

Harsh but true.

I'm not trying to be judgemental about the OPs actions but babies are hard work, it is what it is. Babies don't cut you any slack because you are young or don't have great organisational skills. Anyone who has a baby should really think long and hard about whether they can cope with it.

Two abortions in 4 months? Come on op. Contraception is freely available in this country, theres no excuses to just keep terminating unwanted pregnancies. You and your boyfriend need to get a grip and grow up. You're not ready for a child when you cant even take responsibility

Horrible. To even be considering a second termination in FOUR months... If you are mature enough to be having sex you should be mature enough to sort contraception. You clearly aren't. You do know abortion isn't a handy form of contraception don't you? You can't continue to abort as contraception. You haven't just woken up one morning and found out you are 'accidentally 'pregnant again, you know how you are getting pregnant right? If it's a second life you are going to end, don't end anymore.

You are clearly both too immature and uneducated to be having sex if you don't even understand that you should use contraception.

Terminations are not a form of contraception.

Read up on contraception and how babies are made.