19 and Pregnant after having an abortion 3 months ago. Head vs heart should I keep it or not ?

[crawhl]

I My boyfriend and I started dating in September, I got pregnant in October and had an abortion.

I’m 19, he is 22. We haven’t got everything we need and we’re young. We’ve been a couple for 2/3 months and have only been dating 6 months ... Money could be a struggle but I think I would make it work.

I had an abortion in November. We hadn’t know each other long so he just assumed I’d want an abortion.

And of course logically I knew I needed to have one and I wanted one at first. But the process of the abortion was long and I was sad to be getting rid of it by the end.

Abortion is the most painful things mentally and physically wether you want to get rid of the potential baby or not. The first abortion I had was the most painful thing I had ever experienced so I phoned the clinic and they told me that it can be as painful as childbirth especially if you haven’t given birth before.

3 months later, here I am pregnant again. I have told him and, of course, I’m getting another abortion. He didn’t even ask “so what do you want to do”.

And obviously I cannot have a child. I’m 19. Haven’t know my boyfriend long enough. It would be unfair on him. His whole family may dislike me, they may see it as me “trapping” him. I haven’t got enough money to be completely comfortable but there are people with less then me that make it work.

If I wasn’t pregnant, I wouldn’t want a baby. But there’s something about being pregnant that makes you really broody. My head knows that I can’t. But my heart is so sad to have to go through all this pain again. I don’t want to. I can’t have a baby but I want one.

I don’t know what to do.

Can I have it ? Not really ...

This isn’t really a single question I’m just asking for advice on this whole situation.

Thank you for reading and for any replies.

@Bbq1 that’s a disgusting thing to say. I’ve reported you.

[quote Isadora2007]@Bbq1 that’s a disgusting thing to say. I’ve reported you.[/quote]
Why is it disgusting? I haven't said anything much different to the poster below me.

In your shoes, I’d have a termination, and end the relationship.

I’d also look in to long-term contraception, use condoms too, and book an STD test.

Neither of you sound very mature tbh! If you know you can't afford a Baby or don't want a Baby then use proper contraception instead of having unprotected sex all the time. Abortion is not a form of contraception.

You do need to grow up a bit. Abortions should not be used as contraception. You don't want a baby, you say so yourself, so you and boyfriend should have used protection. It's not rocket science.

Two abortions in 4 months is not great on any level. Look after yourself.

I dont think what bbq1 said is disgusting at all..its the truth which is sometimes hard to hear. I think what's disgusting is a couple having multiple terminations because they cant be arsed to go on the pill or put a condom on.

No. Every statistic shows that the children of very young, unmarried mothers with unplanned pregnancy and lower attainment do suffer huge disadvantage. There may be a few young mothers who do OK, but the vast majority have chosen to bring a child into a world of poverty and limitations. Harsh but true.

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@CherryRoulade my mum had me at 18, unmarried and unplanned. Her mum threw her out and burned all her stuff and she still did a fantastic job with me - don't make such sweeping generalisations, it's offensive, judgemental comments like these that don't help anyone. We're not all perfect.

@ IdesMarchof Thank you for the reply. I feel like I worded this whole thing badly and people are coming at me for it. I am very sad to be getting an abortion and don’t want one. But I haven’t been with my boyfriend long enough to have it. And my mum died when I was 8. I’m not close with my stepmum or dad. I’m not a complete idiot either I know how to look after myself. I moved out for 10 months when I turned 18 but had to move back to my parents because of corona which meant I wasn’t working so had to use most of my saving for food, rent, electricity, gas.

@PlinkPlink thank you for your non-judgmental reply. Before I got pregnant the first time I didn’t care about having kids. The first time I got pregnant I was imagining every single part of having a baby and after the abortion I did a lot of grieving but now I’m pregnant again and part of me would just love to have it. My family would be disappointed in me though. But the main thing holding me back is that me and my boyfriend haven’t been together long enough and it would be unfair on him

[quote Novaa]@PlinkPlink thank you for your non-judgmental reply. Before I got pregnant the first time I didn’t care about having kids. The first time I got pregnant I was imagining every single part of having a baby and after the abortion I did a lot of grieving but now I’m pregnant again and part of me would just love to have it. My family would be disappointed in me though. But the main thing holding me back is that me and my boyfriend haven’t been together long enough and it would be unfair on him[/quote]
My different voice:

Have the baby.

Face the music. Your parents will perk up when they hold their grandchild in their arms. When they're (probably?) young grandparents and can have a great time doing lots of things with their grandchild.

You will never look at your baby and say 'I wish I'd aborted you'. You will say 'omg how could I even have considered it for a second'.

If the bf isn't right or ready then you'll go it alone and find someone else at some point. Or he'll come round.

Do not feel guilty or ashamed or as if you've done something wrong because you are pregnant. This is Life. Life doesn't ask questions - it just gets on with it. Look at the flowers and trees, sunshine, everything beautiful. You and your baby (and bf) are just part of that great world.

New life is super precious.

Follow your instincts. Cherish your child. The rest will just work itself out.

(And I really am not bothered about the 'negative' comment I may get for saying what I think) (OP has come on here to hear what people think 😉)

Be happy and do what you feel like doing. At the moment it feels like you have forever to have a child, but you haven't really. This is a special time and you should embrace and enjoy it. 🙂

@Inthedark2

No. Every statistic shows that the children of very young, unmarried mothers with unplanned pregnancy and lower attainment do suffer huge disadvantage. There may be a few young mothers who do OK, but the vast majority have chosen to bring a child into a world of poverty and limitations. Harsh but true.

share.getliner.com/undefined

@CherryRoulade my mum had me at 18, unmarried and unplanned. Her mum threw her out and burned all her stuff and she still did a fantastic job with me - don't make such sweeping generalisations, it's offensive, judgemental comments like these that don't help anyone. We're not all perfect.

It’s not sweeping generalisations, it’s statistical evidence based opinion. I do judge selfish girls who choose to bring children into disadvantage when there is contraception freely available nowadays. Deliberately setting out to get pregnant without the wherewithal to raise a child in good circumstances is what is offensive.

I’m glad you’ve gone on to be an astronaut/barrister/vet/critical care nurse manager. Most don’t.

Most children born in such circumstances live in poverty. Most have significant educational disadvantage. Most have worse health outcomes. Their chance of dying is much higher during pregnancy and childhood.

@Inthedark2

No. Every statistic shows that the children of very young, unmarried mothers with unplanned pregnancy and lower attainment do suffer huge disadvantage. There may be a few young mothers who do OK, but the vast majority have chosen to bring a child into a world of poverty and limitations. Harsh but true.

share.getliner.com/undefined

@CherryRoulade my mum had me at 18, unmarried and unplanned. Her mum threw her out and burned all her stuff and she still did a fantastic job with me - don't make such sweeping generalisations, it's offensive, judgemental comments like these that don't help anyone. We're not all perfect.

@Inthedark2

I too had my daughter at 20 whilst living with my parents with no money or home of my own at that point. I went on to complete 3 university degrees as a single mum and I now earn more than my partner (who I met 6 years ago when my daughter was 9). Every my daughter has now, she has because of my hard work. There are most definitely exceptions to the rule.

You will never look at your baby and say 'I wish I'd aborted you'. You will say 'omg how could I even have considered it for a second'.

Having been in a similar situation 15 years ago, this resonates very strongly with me. I was terrified I couldn't do it at my age. But when I held her I just knew instinctively that I could, and that I would do whatever I had to for her. I'm so proud now of the young woman she's becoming. To imagine not having had her in my life is incomprehensible.

@Novaa

It must be a terrible, terrible grief. I used to be quite blasé about abortions... when I was teenager. Butbsince I've had my kids, I know I couldn't go through with it.

Your family might well be disappointed but this is YOUR decision. A hard one, definitely but it's yours to make.

I hope you manage to find some peace with whatever path you choose.

I wouldn't be having sex with a 'man' who had so little regards to my wellbeing. The fact he thinks it's normal to impregnate someone twice within less than six months speaks volumes.

I had my dd at 18, i was a single parent for a long time before meeting DH. You can do it, but it's bloody hard.

Ditch the dodo.

Abort, you are too irresponsible to have a baby at the moment if you can’t even sort contraception out. Get some ASAP so you’re not in this sorry mess a third time.

Cant believe some people on here just saying to have the baby...as if its talking about having a piece of chocolate cake or something. This is a HUMAN LIFE ffs, if the op and her partner are not up to looking after and bringing up a child they shouldn't have one.

@Kittykat93

Cant believe some people on here just saying to have the baby...as if its talking about having a piece of chocolate cake or something. This is a HUMAN LIFE ffs, if the op and her partner are not up to looking after and bringing up a child they shouldn't have one.

I personally can't believe anyone is giving her definitive advice either way - "have the baby" or "have an abortion". How is anyone on here in a position to make that particular judgement for her? Insane.

@LouJ85 we all judge on MN at some point. What advice do you want people to give!

I personally can't believe anyone is giving her definitive advice either way - "have the baby" or "have an abortion". How is anyone on here in a position to make that particular judgement for her? Insane.

Answering the specific question that the OP asked isn’t judgement. The title of the thread literally asks “should I keep it or not?”.

I am very concerned that you find yourself pregnant again so quickly. Accidents happen (been there myself... literal accidents as in split condoms) but I get the impression you have been careless...?

Please please please get therapy, get rid of this boyfriend of yours and use contraception.

Do you have a supportive family, OP? Can you talk it through with them?

I don't think there's anything disgusting about having multiple terminations. If one is morally acceptable, why should 2 or 3 or 1,000 be any different?

Anyway OP, these things happen, more commonly than you'd imagine. I'd most certainly terminate in your situation, dump the boyfriend, sort out some reliable long-term contraception, don't rush into anything new, and just give yourself some time to think about what you'd really like from life.

Of course teenage mothers can be good mothers, but teenage motherhood is suboptimal for outcomes for both mother and child.

Just take some time to enjoy yourself, there's plenty of time for life-long commitments later! Good luck.

Oh, and the 'You'll never regret your child' , simply isn't true. There are threads on here all the time about women who regret their children. All the bloody time. I hate the sentimental tripe that some people spout on these threads.

People do regret children. Children are a life-changing, difficult commitment, especially for a teenager who has so much life to experience, and will probably end up a single mother.

@ShrikeAttack

Oh, and the 'You'll never regret your child' , simply isn't true. There are threads on here all the time about women who regret their children. All the bloody time. I hate the sentimental tripe that some people spout on these threads.

People do regret children. Children are a life-changing, difficult commitment, especially for a teenager who has so much life to experience, and will probably end up a single mother.

And people whose children end up neglected and abused still say they don't regret them. Even when they are clearly incapable of parenting them.