19 and Pregnant after having an abortion 3 months ago. Head vs heart should I keep it or not ?

[crawhl]

I My boyfriend and I started dating in September, I got pregnant in October and had an abortion.

I’m 19, he is 22. We haven’t got everything we need and we’re young. We’ve been a couple for 2/3 months and have only been dating 6 months ... Money could be a struggle but I think I would make it work.

I had an abortion in November. We hadn’t know each other long so he just assumed I’d want an abortion.

And of course logically I knew I needed to have one and I wanted one at first. But the process of the abortion was long and I was sad to be getting rid of it by the end.

Abortion is the most painful things mentally and physically wether you want to get rid of the potential baby or not. The first abortion I had was the most painful thing I had ever experienced so I phoned the clinic and they told me that it can be as painful as childbirth especially if you haven’t given birth before.

3 months later, here I am pregnant again. I have told him and, of course, I’m getting another abortion. He didn’t even ask “so what do you want to do”.

And obviously I cannot have a child. I’m 19. Haven’t know my boyfriend long enough. It would be unfair on him. His whole family may dislike me, they may see it as me “trapping” him. I haven’t got enough money to be completely comfortable but there are people with less then me that make it work.

If I wasn’t pregnant, I wouldn’t want a baby. But there’s something about being pregnant that makes you really broody. My head knows that I can’t. But my heart is so sad to have to go through all this pain again. I don’t want to. I can’t have a baby but I want one.

I don’t know what to do.

Can I have it ? Not really ...

This isn’t really a single question I’m just asking for advice on this whole situation.

Thank you for reading and for any replies.

Op I’m so sorry you are in this situation

If you don’t feel it’s the right time for this baby and want to terminate that is absolutely your right. There will be time later to have a family when you are secure financially and relationship wise too.

Do you have someone in real life other than your bf who you can talk to about this? Are you close to your mum?

Why aren't you on contraception? Wasn't it sorted after the abortion?

Did they not give you an implant at the clinic? They are meant to encourage the use of long term contraception for young girls like you.

Consider adoption?

Don’t have and keep the child. You’re setting it up for a life of disadvantage and unhappiness. You are but a child yourself and clearly not a terribly bright or considerate one.

If I wasn’t pregnant, I wouldn’t want a baby. But there’s something about being pregnant that makes you really broody. My head knows that I can’t. But my heart is so sad to have to go through all this pain again. I don’t want to. I can’t have a baby but I want one.

This is the reason you keep getting pregnant. This paragraph sums it up. YOU want a baby and that's why you aren't taking precautions.

Wow what a horrid comment Esspee

Yes the OP and her BF have been irresponsible but that is uncalled for.

Truthfully for me, I would do what needed to be done (get an abortion)

Then review my contraception choices as it is bad this happened twice. I suggest doubling up (pill and condoms were incredibly reliable)

Then seek therapy as you are either sabotaging yourself or punishing yourself (this would be where my head was at)

Don't fuck up your life you are so young and so much is yet to come.

Abortion providers like MSI will offer you counselling and there is absolutely no pressure to decide one way or another. The services exist so that women can make the right choice for them and that's what they will want for you. No one will want you to have a termination you don't want.

You also won't get spiteful comments about why you aren't using contraception. If you go ahead with a termination, talk to the nurse about what isn't working for you about what you're doing.

Ignore the vile comments op.
Have you friends you can speak to ?

Speak to your mum? x

They literally go through contraception options with you as part of the process of having an abortion...

@CherryRoulade harsh. Extremely harsh. Grown women are silly enough to not take precautions. Let's not judge the poor lass on her parental skills when we hardly know her and she hasn't had a chance to develop any yet. NO-ONE knows how to raise a kid until they do it.

Parenthood makes a person, whatever age they have them. You sound like you'd be a good mum. And as above, the question is, do you want to keep it?

Your bf's parents may very well feel like you've trapped him but that's their issue. If he didn't want kids, he should have taken responsibility himself and sorted some contraception out.

You must ask yourself if you want your baby and sort out how you would provide a roof over your heads.

Some of messages here are pretty awful to a vulnerable 19 year old girl. She’s made a mistake and she’s not the first to make it more than once.

OP think about the future you can give your child and think about how you’d support a child. Also find someone in real life you can speak to who knows you and can help you make a decision.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Some of messages here are pretty awful to a vulnerable 19 year old girl. She’s made a mistake and she’s not the first to make it more than once.

What do you expect though? Unplanned pregnancy and a resulting abortion is no reason to judge but another unplanned pregnancy almost straightaway when they make a point of discussing contraception with you? What's that all about? Add to that the fact that some women reading will be struggling to get pregnant at all. Not OP's fault but I can definitely see why people are judging harshly.

[quote PlinkPlink]@CherryRoulade harsh. Extremely harsh. Grown women are silly enough to not take precautions. Let's not judge the poor lass on her parental skills when we hardly know her and she hasn't had a chance to develop any yet. NO-ONE knows how to raise a kid until they do it.

Parenthood makes a person, whatever age they have them. You sound like you'd be a good mum. And as above, the question is, do you want to keep it?

Your bf's parents may very well feel like you've trapped him but that's their issue. If he didn't want kids, he should have taken responsibility himself and sorted some contraception out.

You must ask yourself if you want your baby and sort out how you would provide a roof over your heads. [/quote]
Yes harsh but then so is some poor child being brought into the world by fecklessness. Deliberately setting out to get pregnant outside of a situation that is advantageous for the child should be treated firmly, in my view. It’s not a fluffy duckling, baby shower and handholding situation.
It’s is very harsh to hugely disadvantage a child because we’re all too lovely to be honest about the unfortunate situation.

Lots of women here on MN have had abortions- many more than once. In far recently there have been several posts about being pregnant after recent terminations. So it’s not that unusual or ridiculous etc.
Anyway @crawhl you are in the position you’re in now. You know if it’s genuinely an accident that you are pregnant or if some part of you regrets the abortion you had and wants a baby.
The boyfriend is probably not going to be around but you could be a single mum. It would be tough. Would your family support you?

Your only allowed a certain amount of abortions I think. My cousin had 2/3 and on the 3/4 she had to keep it as they would t do another one. She had them all by the time she was 20 though. Just a heads up.

Your making poor life choices here-do you have any goals? Do you want certain things from life? You should re asses your life, your only 19.

Yes harsh but then so is some poor child being brought into the world by fecklessness. Deliberately setting out to get pregnant
Lots of kids are born to feckless parents. Not just teen parents. And how do you know it was deliberate? She’s young and fertile and condoms can split etc...
there are many women on MN pregnant after abortions who should have known better. These things happen.

I'm sorry about some of the awful comments here, OP.

I must admit your situation doesn't sound ideal for having a baby right now. You don't want to be tethered to this man in the long term and having a baby at your age means that you will miss out on so much. Being a single Mum at 19 would be difficult financially too, as I assume you probably haven't had enough time to save a decent amount of money and get a foothold in a career. So having a baby now will limit the likelihood of you managing to achieve the things that you want in life.

I had my son at 24 and that felt far too young, and even though I love my son and I'm still with my partner if I could go back I would change my decision.

@Magnificentmug12 bullshit.

Your cousin must have wanted to keep that baby so made that story up.

I’m sorry some people have been unpleasant OP. I’m sure if you could go back you would do things differently but the situation is what it is.

I didn’t have children until I was 33. And it didn’t exactly go to plan for us - we planned for one baby and how we would make that work, but ended up with twins and both are disabled. My life is completely unrecognisable compared to before children and completely different to what I thought we’d be doing now my children are 4.

I love my boys so much but I could not have done this when I was 19. Instead I got my degree, had good jobs, started my own business, travelled and got married and did the things I wanted to do. I have no regrets.

In your situation I would try to think about this pragmatically. You would be tied to this guy forever, even if not in a relationship.

I know it’s difficult to go through with it, especially when you know what it will be like. What’s really changed since November? If it was the right decision then, it’s the right decision now.

This is only my view of course and you may reach a differing decision.

Whatever happens with your boyfriend I would think about getting a form of long acting contraception (implant, injection, mirena coil) so you don’t have to worry about this until you’re ready.

@Magnificentmug12

Your only allowed a certain amount of abortions I think. My cousin had 2/3 and on the 3/4 she had to keep it as they would t do another one. She had them all by the time she was 20 though. Just a heads up.

Your making poor life choices here-do you have any goals? Do you want certain things from life? You should re asses your life, your only 19.

Yeah, that's not true.

Anyway, I just don't understand the whole "oops, I got pregnant whilst using absolutely no contraception, what a shock, I don't even want a baby."

Seen it so many times. Just admit you want a baby and go from there.

I hope you can get some pregnancy counselling to talk through the different options. Also talk to your boyfriend about how you are feeling and a close relative/friend. Adoption is also an option. The GP may be a good point of contact too.

Sometimes talking it through with someone can help you think through options even though only you can decide. I wish you all the best.

@againstthefamilygrain

Why are neither of you using contraception?

This, with big brass knobs on !

^^What do you expect though? Unplanned pregnancy and a resulting abortion is no reason to judge but another unplanned pregnancy almost straightaway when they make a point of discussing contraception with you? What's that all about

How about giving some constructive advice rather than berating the OP. You don’t what happened really or what’s going on in her life. I completely get suggesting contraception but you and other others on here are making so many judgements about what happened.

It actually doesn’t matter how the OP got here what matters is helping her instead of making her feel worse.

OP I really would suggest finding someone to speak to in real life if you can.