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Pregnancy choices

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19 and Pregnant after having an abortion 3 months ago. Head vs heart should I keep it or not ?

134 replies

crawhl · 22/02/2021 01:20

I My boyfriend and I started dating in September, I got pregnant in October and had an abortion.

I’m 19, he is 22. We haven’t got everything we need and we’re young. We’ve been a couple for 2/3 months and have only been dating 6 months ... Money could be a struggle but I think I would make it work.

I had an abortion in November. We hadn’t know each other long so he just assumed I’d want an abortion.

And of course logically I knew I needed to have one and I wanted one at first. But the process of the abortion was long and I was sad to be getting rid of it by the end.

Abortion is the most painful things mentally and physically wether you want to get rid of the potential baby or not. The first abortion I had was the most painful thing I had ever experienced so I phoned the clinic and they told me that it can be as painful as childbirth especially if you haven’t given birth before.

3 months later, here I am pregnant again. I have told him and, of course, I’m getting another abortion. He didn’t even ask “so what do you want to do”.

And obviously I cannot have a child. I’m 19. Haven’t know my boyfriend long enough. It would be unfair on him. His whole family may dislike me, they may see it as me “trapping” him. I haven’t got enough money to be completely comfortable but there are people with less then me that make it work.

If I wasn’t pregnant, I wouldn’t want a baby. But there’s something about being pregnant that makes you really broody. My head knows that I can’t. But my heart is so sad to have to go through all this pain again. I don’t want to. I can’t have a baby but I want one.

I don’t know what to do.

Can I have it ? Not really ...

This isn’t really a single question I’m just asking for advice on this whole situation.

Thank you for reading and for any replies.

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 24/02/2021 22:38

You did very well indeed juggling 13+ hour shifts as an F1 and and SHO with no family support Hats off to you along side your exams if that was the case!

Thank you.

Bungal00 · 25/02/2021 07:33

I think people need to take what anonymous people on the internet say with a pinch of salt, just because a stranger says they managed to become a doctor whilst solely caring for a small child with no support doesn't mean they did. Some people lie about their lives and no one knows if it's the truth. Op needs reality, it's going to be hard. She has some tough decisions to make and I really don't envy her. She's probably not on this thread anymore after the disgusting comments she's had, I feel sad for her.

LouJ85 · 25/02/2021 08:55

@Bungal00

I think people need to take what anonymous people on the internet say with a pinch of salt, just because a stranger says they managed to become a doctor whilst solely caring for a small child with no support doesn't mean they did. Some people lie about their lives and no one knows if it's the truth. Op needs reality, it's going to be hard. She has some tough decisions to make and I really don't envy her. She's probably not on this thread anymore after the disgusting comments she's had, I feel sad for her.

Except in this case, I did.
Smile

LouJ85 · 25/02/2021 08:56

@Bungal00

Oh and I agree re the disgusting comments and I doubt the OP is coming back either. I hope she's ok.

FTEngineerM · 25/02/2021 10:57

@JellyBabiesFan

For goodness sake it's not as if the NHS don't have anything better to do.

You need to grow up and fast.

Do you write that on lung cancer patients threads where they’ve smoked for 40 years?

Do you write it on the mental health board where people have taken an overdose at an attempt of suicide?

I’m going to guess not. The NHS is there for our care, even when we make regrettable choices.. thankfully.

LouJ85 · 25/02/2021 11:02

@FTEngineerM

Exactly.
Or would they write it on an obese person's thread, where they've made poor lifestyle choices leading them to their current weight?
Probably not.
But let's all sneer down our noses judgementally at a 19 year old who is probably scared and vulnerable.
Lovely.

FTEngineerM · 25/02/2021 11:11

Nah course not @LouJ85 it’s apparently socially acceptable to look down on a 19 year old who’s still clearly figuring life out.

thelastallosaurus · 16/03/2021 02:27

I don't know what the OP did in the end? I think abortion is acceptable and understandable but having done it I know I could never do it again unless there was some really awful and compelling reason, i.e the child had no chance of survival, this may be because I am incredibly sentimental and also hopelessly optimistic, but that abortion sent me into a huge depression as I felt like I'd completey offended my core values and failed that child, I think aborting a child that you want can be very emotionally hard and damaging, but you have to know yourself and how you will cope with it. Obviously some women know it is absolutley not what they want, they would not regret it even if they could not have more children in the future when they were ready or they have a clear vision about what they need before they bring a child into the world, many women do not regret it.

I had a baby young when I had not finished my education. I was using the pill but had a bad reaction to it and suspect that it was not working properly for me. The father was not remotely supportive as he was terrified witless and believed having a child meant never getting anywhere in life, he was also probably panicing about the levels of commitment involved. I considered adoption but knew I could never part with my baby, I knew I would love it the moment I saw it and that I would fight to give it the best life I could, as good, ultimately, as whoever adopted my baby (who may not share my views, may be less educated, may ultimately be a poor fit for my child or not love them as strongly or fight for them to have the best opportunities as I would, or so I reasoned). I also regreted my abortion so much I was determined to keep the baby and make it work to hell and high water. This was during the 2008 crash too. Actually, it turned out ok in the end. I was very determined and ambitious, which I think was key to making it work. I finished studying part time, did a masters full time when dd was 18 months old using a bursary to help with childcare, partner went on to do his Phd and I enjoyed staying home until she was school age. A Phd stipend was perfectly enough for us as we were frugal and enjoyed cultural days out and camping holidays over expensive things anyway, but still had money for gadgets etc. My family were very supportive (emotionally, we never recieved any financial help) which was helpful, his were not supportive as yes I think they probably thought I was trying to trap him, which is bonkers frankly, I told him he could leave if he wanted. We married when dd was 7 years old and we are still together, with more children, many years later, we have been together since we were 20. We own a nice big house, near good schools etc, we have more children (not as many as I would have liked!). Now, obviously, the odds may be stacked against this happening depending on your circumstances and it very much depends on your personallities. Would he be willing to marry you? Would he make a good father? Honestly, you need to be able to provide emotional stability and work towards financial stability to increase your odds of optimal success. Having family support helps too, even if it is just the emotional variety as the help I recieved was not financial. Many families help to pay for weddings and deposits, if yours are able to do that then that would be a great help. Perhaps you should come up with a viable financial plan to work towards for the future.

Our ancestors managed in far worse circumstances with far more children, at younger ages. Yes it is hard to get on now, but it always has been really if you were not from a higher socioeconomic class. I think the bar for parenting and material resources seems to have been raised very high in recent decades. At least now we can aspire to more than in the past, in theory having one or two children and supporting them adequately (rather than perfectly whatever that means) has never been easier. The biggest problem is social attitudes to children, stigma and lack of support.

One baby came early but I don't think it has hurt dd's life chances, maybe she could have gone to private school if she came later?

I have a friend who became pregnant at 19, the father abandoned her as soon as she told him and wanted nothing to do with the child, but again, this does not seem to have hurt her life chances enormously, it is difficult to say if she would have taken a different path had she not had her DS. She went to university part time, got a 1st class degree (ok, she went to a local univerity, rather than oxbridge say.) She is married now and her husband has adopted her DS and she is training to be a teacher.

I have found ovulation is a very dangeorus time for some women, I literally lose my mind and body decides it wants 1000s of babies so some kind of hormonal contraception and a partner who is much less impulsive could be very useful. Consider in future using a patch, pill, or implant!

thelastallosaurus · 16/03/2021 02:39

Also to the poster who said that the OP is too stupid and self absorbed to have a child, I think stupid or self absorbed people are less likely to be agonising over the decision one way or the other, or weighing up their options and seeking advice!

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