36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

It’s really hard to know whether I would cope or not as a single mum

You'll cope. You won't know any different and neither will your baby. Your relationship is over either way, don't lose your baby as well

Thankyou Bendy, my life will never ever be like that. And I think secretly or not so secretly they think I shouldn’t have children, that I should be single to move around and do as I please and not tied down to a man or children. My mum makes me feel like she regrets having me! I’ve felt that maybe they regret me when they discourage me to have children (not just now or when 24, but little comments).

This is my mums reaction:

Dads told me the news ! The fact that he edited by MNHQ identifying has told you to have a termination speaks volumes about your relationship ! You’ve been telling me for weeks that things aren’t right between you , this is saying loud n clear how he feels ! This isn’t your last chance to have a child and being a single mother is not what we want fir you nor should it be what your wanting ! This isn’t your last chance and if you go ahead it will be the hardest thing financially and emotionally you can do ! You need to think very carefully about this and I’m sure you are doing ! [name removed by MNHQ] doesn’t want you to have it! Do you really want to be tied to him for the rest of your life to a man that’s telling you to get rid !

I told her it was my decision and I’m thinking about it, she said-

Ok that’s fine but perhaps you could have a chat with struggling single low income mothers and ask them. Being a parent is the hardest thing and doubly hard when your doing it in your own financially and emotionally

I replied-

Yeah I know I am talking to many people on a forum. I don’t want to upset you or fall out with you, and I certainly don’t want a repeat of when I was 24 so please don’t try and influence me I am thinking it all through very carefully and if I felt pressured to do something even if I come to that decision it will damage us so please mum don’t. I probably shouldn’t have even told anyone

I regret telling parents now but at least I know they are devastated 😂😭 And by the sounds of things wouldn’t be supportive although maybe that would change when baby was here, and I have only just told them. Literally no one in RL wants this baby. My OH said everyone would think it was a terrible thing 😥 I don’t want to lose the relationship with my parents on top of losing a baby and partner, that would suck. I hope my opinionated mum keeps out of it and let’s me decide, as I don’t want to start hating her like when I was 24. This the woman who kept me in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist for two years because she kept making excuses for him

You really don't need to take on their baggage.

I hope they support you once you tell them what you have decided. Be firm and clear or they will think they can change your mind/guilt/manipulate you into doing what they think is best for you.

I'm pretty shocked by your BFs behaviour tbh. 5 months in and he should still be romancing you and trying to impress you. Not leaving his DCs childcare to you, lazing about the house, and being a twat.

You can't swap his sperm now for someone better. So just deal with what has already happened.

Just seen your latest post. Your mum sounds like she has her own issues. Don't let her twist this or impose her own expectations.

fwiw I am a single parent and it is far better than being in a shit relationship and raising a child within that. In fact, I love my life and my child is thriving. Single parenthood is not as hard as many think.

Yes he definitely should still be doing that! Regardless of the fact that we’re now living together and so have become domesticated, he should still be making more effort than he does. I think he takes me for granted. He didn’t even seem that grateful for his Xmas presents, and I spent £500 of my savings and was in my OD most of December to treat him. I can’t wait to be in my own house

Thankyou @BendyLikeBeckham it’s good to have that perspective. Glad you are both thriving. Mum does have issues I don’t get it, but definitely think this will interfere with us now. I think I’m probably going to have the termination. And tell them that I don’t want to speak of it, nor have her run my face in over my ex OH. Just want to move on

Surprise surprise, after putting each child to bed (letting them watch YouTube videos on his phone, not reading them stories), he’s now come in and said he’s going downstairs to play GTA with the lads 😒 See ya! 👋

@TeddyBeans

It’s really hard to know whether I would cope or not as a single mum

You'll cope. You won't know any different and neither will your baby. Your relationship is over either way, don't lose your baby as well

This!

I tend to agree with @MzHz. If you want a baby, go it alone and not rely on him.

I can't understand why, with your past history, you would even tell your mum before you've made a decision for yourself. Or for that matter why you'd even consider another abortion, and at 35 old this time. Please do what's right for you, not what your parents or your partner plant into your head

Whatever you do split up with your boyfriend. He is not a good partner and is not a good dad.

OP, i feel for you. Don't let anyone make this decision for you. If you want to keep this baby then do it. It sounds like your relationship is over either way.

Don't have a termination if you plan to stay in this relationship and try for a baby again in a couple of years time. Because what is honestly going to be radically different in a couple of years? Your choice is whether or not you alone want your baby. Either way your relationship is over. You sound like you want your baby.

Yes my relationship is over I deserve better than this. And I could also look at it like a baby would deserve better than this. Telling my parents has made me feel even more on my own and unsupported, and I genuinely don’t know how I could do it practically totally on my own 😰 it seems like everyone in RL (expect my supportive male friend who lives 200 miles away) thinks that I would be silly to keep it. Ok my everyone I mean OH, my parents and apparantly his parents if they knew. I know I shouldn’t care too much about what other people think, but it matters to the extent that they are supposed to be my extended support network, and without that I don’t think I would do well or be happy on my own

being a single mother is not what we want fir you it's nothing to do with her.

Your responses were great, well done for standing up for yourself.

Not sure what use speaking to struggling low income single mothers would be, everyone's experience is different. You own your own house, you have a good job and sounds like a good support network of friends.

www.livescience.com/51761-ticking-clock-optimum-age-for-women-to-begin-families-infographic.html

If you were to start TTC again at 37 you would have a 75% chance of becoming a mother. By 41 it has dropped to 50 %.

Personally there is no way that I would be terminating a wanted baby at 35. It's not your parents' decision. It's not your partner's decision.

OP, you'd be surprised how people who love you will accept your decision when they know they can't change your mind. Even reluctant GPS can be good GPS. Don't base your decision on what anyone else thinks is best for you.

You don't have the luxury of musing about whether you should get pregnant and have a child with this man. You probably agree that would be a bad decision. But, it has happened. You have to decide whether to keep an existing foetus inside you (and raise a child with all that entails) or terminate and deal with all that follows.

I agree it may well not be your last chance to get pregnant. You have a few years ahead, but not many. And since you were thinking you may consider donor insemination one day anyway, then you were already thinking of doing this alone.

The 'ideal family' is a fallacy.

Maybe you'll find a decent man out there to be a good stepdad one day.

But please don't base any decision on pleasing your parents or Ashleigh the Knobber.

Op you really really seem to be taking everyone else's opinion far too seriously. Think about yourself and your potential baby, or no baby, that's all.

Also, do you honestly think your parents wouldn't support you if you went through with it? Sounds to me like they want the best for you however misguided they are. They would not leave you to struggle alone. I'm genuinely worried in 6 months you'll realise your mum pressured you to have another abortion and your relationship may not recover this time.

Donut yes I’m worried about that too... I regret telling them, why did I?!! As although that’s all she’s said to me tonight, I already feel that pressure and some resentment building up. If I have a termination it will be for everyone else but me.

And if I have a child by fostering or co parenting with a gay man, that’s not the ‘ideal’ scenario my parents imagined for me either! An ideal scenario isn’t going to happen for me, ever I feel. It’s simply too late I’m too close the cut off point and with covid etc I’ll not meet someone else. I think I could have a happy life without children it would just be a different life.

What I need to do is work out my finances, as to whether I could afford to do it or not.

I don’t want to regret the decision but feel either way I’m screwed. I have a history of eating disorders (recovered ten years ago) and part of me fears that the changes in my body will lead to depression as my body image is poor. I know that’s as an aside to all this, but if I didn’t have kids that’s what I’d be telling myself afterwards to feel better about it all 😕

It really is your decision OP but the fact you are asking so many people says to me you don't want this baby and are looking for reassurance that it's ok to terminate. It is. You have time to move on and find happiness and a baby with someone who wants to be a dad.

Get away from this 'man' - he sounds awful. Only having his children 50:50 so he doesn't have to pay any maintenance is disgusting. Especially as you are doing the childcare. Those poor kids. You shouldn't be anywhere near their lives until you and their dad are solid.

You're only 35. You potentially have 10 years to have a baby. MN loves telling people their fertility is dead once they're 30.

Don't have a baby because you think it's your last chance. It most likely isn't.

I'd get a termination and get away from this relationship. This time next year you could be in a new loving relationship with a man who cares for you.

Even asking on here is not always a good idea OP, no disrespect to anyone posting as they are only trying to help, but one poster will be telling you to terminate and another will be telling you to keep it, then you have the added pressure of your boyfriend and your parents telling you what to do.

How are you meant to know what you really want if your decision making is so clouded by other peoples thoughts and opinions, all it will do is confuse you further. You really have to take absolutely everyone out of the equation and find what it is that you really want. Even if that means going to the clinic and then thinking no this isn't for me. It's so hard and I have been in that turmoil where you just don't know which way to go and it's awful, with the added pressure of feeling pregnant and awful.

Whatever you decide OP you've got this, your a flipping fire fighter for gods sake, I can't imagine how much strength that must take to do a job like that! Have some belief in yourself and your own decisions and remember you still have time. Wishing you all the luck in the world

Reading through your posts about Ashleigh the Knobber I think he has so many red flags. He loved bombed you early on and now your doing most of the minding of his kids work permitting. He takes his kids 50% of the time rather than pay maintenance. He is not to interested in helping his child who is dyslexic and is happy letting him stay on PlayStation for hours.
The more help his child gets now with the dislexia the better he will do long term.
He has as much said to you that in a few years time you can sell your house and he sell his house so you can buy somewhere bigger for him, his kids and you to live in. Along with this it's all his ex's fault that their relationship broke up. Your seeing his true colours now and being honest your not happy with what he is like.

You have a good job and you can move into your own house shortly. I know that you want to have a baby. If you have a baby with him your stuck with dealing with a poor father. He won't want to give you maintenance and from what you said about him he is not that great a father to the kids he already has.
If you have an abortion you can move on with your life. You can get extra work if you want more money for house improvements and to build up your savings. This whole covid thing will come to an end due to the vaccine. You could also have a lodger in the house to help your savings pot also.
In time you could meet a decent man and have a child. If not you could go down the doner route to have a child. Your only 35 and I know people older than you who have had children. If you have a child with him your going to be a single mother or dealing with a man who will let you and his next child down.

hi op , im sorry you are in such a dilemma , i have to say only that if you decide to have this baby , i honestly think really the only way it to have it alone and be a single parent , i agree with a lot of the other ladies on here , theres no gentle way to say this he sounds controlling and awful , if you have the baby and ask him for maintainence , hes very likely to want to have the child 50 per cent like he does with his ex so he doesnt have to pay you it , you need to think very carefully if thats a situation you could handle . as from the sound of it theres no thought for the kids hes got now and whats best for them , he thinks only about whats best for his wallet . only you can decide what to do , it sounds like its going nowhere talking to him as hes far from happy about it now let alone it you have it , so as others have said really it will come down to if you keep the baby , you will be better off with him out of the picture ,