36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

Honestly op i do feel for you but i think you’re right to prioritise building your new life and career. It’s neither the right time nor the right guy to be doing the baby thing.

And you are right about the fire service (although only one person knows about this and I doubt I would tell any more). They are extended family. My only sibling moved to America 7 years ago and I’ve seen him three times in that time, so I’ve reason I joined was for the brotherhood. He’s never taken much interest in my job or asked questions which I thought was odd as in truth you don’t meet female firefighters every day. I think he’s more interested in himself than other people. He does a lot for me in my house and is helpful there, but one silver lining in a cloud of shit just doesn’t really cut it does it.

I’m also wondering if I was love bombed in the beginning, as he was very vocal in his love and feelings for me (by text), but then all that suddenly stopped. It could have timed with me moving in, and so you don’t really send many messages when you live together, but a few things he’s done have been off...
I sent him a picture of a tree swing we went on during our first date and he just replied with what do you want for dinner, totally ignored 😑 All the romance went very quickly. Yet he told me he loved me on maybe our third date?!! I talked about it to my mum loads at the time and she told me to open my heart up again and let myself be loved...

so -
Do you want to keep the baby?
Do you want to keep him?

I think I need to sleep on it all to consolidate.. but how I’m feeling right now is that I want out of the whole sorry thing I also feel sick as a dog which isn’t helping. And I haven’t been able to see my parents due to lock down, but I think I will see them soon I need that support

Aiii jesus op get your running shoes on

Love bombing, future faking, fast forwarding, this guy has it all going on. More red flags than baywatch. Just think where you could be in a year’s time if you get that termination and crack on building your new life, vs where you could be in a year’s time if you maintain this unbreakable bond with this toxic man.

He also said to me when I’ve previously mentioned about getting a lodger when I move into mine “oh no you don’t want to do that do you, someone else in your house? I wouldn’t want someone in my own home”. Bearing in mind that I would struggle financially without a lodger, and I had thought he was going to move in so we would split the costs of running the house, then he dropped the fact that he wasn’t going to move in yet also thought I shouldn’t get a lodger?!!

Guess what I’m going to do now.. get a damn lodger and do what I want to do

@MadameButterface I could actually kiss you right now 😂😂😂

Dump him, have the baby, don't put him on the birth certificate

He is the father no amount of sanctimonious crap will change that so op cannot pretend he doesnt exist. op If you end up going ahead with the baby sometime down the line they will ask questions. So there is no benefit had in trying to hide things.

Best of luck with whatever you decide

It's clear you want the baby.

He sounds severely lacking as a parent so you will be doing it alone.

This man is bad news and far from a good catch. He doesn’t even want to pay maintenance to the children he already has.

You got pregnant way too early without knowing this man well enough. He told you that he was not ready for another child right now.

You need to decide if you can be a single parent with or without your parents upping sticks to move in with you to provide support.

I’m also 35 and have two kids. DH and I are thinking about a third but already on the fence as it wouldn’t be til the youngest was a bit older and I would be heading towards late 30s and things notoriously become physically more risky the later you head into your 30s. Therefore if I had no kids at our age now, I would 100% be doing it, with or without a partner.

I always wanted them and was clear in my mind that I would do my best to have them whatever circumstances were. So if you’re the same I think you should do it.

At the end of the day it’s up to you, but he does not sound like someone I would want to co parent with. He’s going to be controlling over medical appointments and the birth & try and insist he is there, if you meet someone else in future will use the kids to try and control the situation.
I appreciate you want a baby, but you need to think very carefully if you want him involved in your life forever. He doesn’t sound like it would be pleasant for you or the baby.
I’d get a termination. Bin him off, get a lodger, and if no one else came along look at doing it alone. Whilst it’s hard and 100% on you financially-from what you have said it would be kinder on your mental state, without having the controlling arse around to drag you down and criticise your every move

Really tricky, OP.

It sounds to me like you definitely want to be a mother (if not now then very soon). Given that you are 35 despite what a previous poster said, your time is unlimited. You would already be classed as a geriatric pregnancy. I am not trying to worry you but just a gentle reminder (more to the previous poster) that women worrying about their biological clock is legit. Of course everyone is different though, some people are able to conceive for many more years and for some even at this age would be too late. The frustrating thing is we never know where on the spectrum each individual is.

Anyway, sounds like you want to be a mother and that not ever becoming one would upset you. I would use that to make your decision - given your age etc, I don't think I would bother in a relationship where the counterpart is so resistant/hesistant.

I think maybe have a frank conversation with him about your maternal urge, if he can support you through this and you feel you can raise a happy child then sure go for it (this is your ideal, isn't it). If he cannot give you this, I would probably end this relationship so you can find another one where you can raise a happy family.

You certainly aren't old at the moment, its just a question of how long is a piece of string... i.e when will you be in new stable relationship where the partner is also wants to start a family.

Worst case scenario would be raise a child in less than ideal circumstances - if they aren't wanted by their dad, hes already in a messy situation with 2 children from a previous relationship and if he were to go on and start a new relationship, his time really would be limited as to what he can give this child with you.

So for me, I think I would only commit to this current pregnancy if he comes round pretty quickly. If not, I think I would move on from him and this situation. One option is choosing to continue the pregnancy regardless but just think about both yourself and the child, theres really no right or wrong, imo. But I dont doubt that you'd meet someone else soon enough (if you were 40, I wouldn't be saying this).

All the best, OP. Whatever you decide, you come across like someone who's got this.

Oh God OP after your previous experience with abortion, of course don't go through that again! If you want the baby, have the baby. Please don't let this man manipulate or pressure you like your mum did at the time. I agree with PP that he doesn't sound very nice at all - who speaks like that with their children?! Focus on yourself and your baby. In my experience with a baby you can't plan ahead for everything, but some things do work themselves out in time. You will be absolutely fine I'm sure, and enjoy your baby so much even if you end up raising him/her alone. Of course life with children is hard sometimes but it is also the most beautiful and meaningful thing that can ever happen to you. I'd never trade it for anything else, or let anyone talk me out of a baby ever again.

@AKissAndASmile

If you abort this baby you'll probably resent him in time so your relationship is doomed. It doesn't sound like he will ever want another child either. So my advice is either keep the baby in the knowledge you're going to be a single parent, or have the abortion and leave him so you can find someone to have a family with. You really dont have time to waste at 35. Your relationship with this guy is over. And he doesn't sound like a good catch.

This.

I think you should have an abortion. Not just for you but for the sake of the kid whose parents may very well break up and will be juggled back and forth between houses.

I disagree with this. OP has said she wants the baby, she's already thought of when she can tell her parents the sex.

And parents breaking up and having to go back and forth between houses can happy at anytime even if you're in what seems the perfect relationship to have a child with someone. I don't think that is a reason to have an abortion. I lived between 2 houses from the age of 2 and it's absolutely fine.

Only have an abortion if you want one.

[quote Firegirl35]@AKissAndASmile I’m not sure about that re folic acid as it was an out of hours male GP and tbh he was so old and old school he seemed uncomfortable about the whole topic. I’m not on any meds at all and I’ve a normal range bmi. I thought it might have been a mistake ![/quote]
Are you diabetic? Or perhaps a history of neurological disorders? I'd ask your GP if youre not sure but there are reasons why some people are on 5mg not 400mcg.

This is a really tough situation. However my thoughts are:

1. you know how hard terminations are. I had one 20 years ago and it still haunts me to this day. I think about it most days despite having a family of my own since.
2. I don’t think you’ll regret having the baby. Yes a tiny percentage of people maybe do but I personally don’t know anyone who feels that way. You manage. You change. you survive.
3. why put yourself through a termination to have a baby with a donor? If you want a baby bows your chance. Fertility is never a guarantee
4. whatever you decide you need to leave this man. You have you’re own home, a good job and friends so you shouldn’t feel that you have to stay with him! What’s he offering you?

Honestly i think all the ‘keep the baby’ people are ignoring the reality of this man’s parenting. He insists that the dc spend 50% of their time at his while he ignores them to nap and go on his phone and palms their care off on op, who when this started, no offence op, was some random he’d known merely two weeks. i’ve got jars of pickled onions older than this relationship. All so he can get out of paying child support. It’s one thing going into single parenthood knowingly, it’s another thing entirely signing your unborn child up to be neglected for half its life because its dad’s a lazy tightarse. There are other paths available. Take one of those.

@MadameButterface
I agree with you 100%, but I do not think anyone should be advising OP to keep or not keep the baby. It’s her choice and she needs to make that major life changing decision for and by herself. We should give advice, but should not be telling OP which path to take.

Thankyou everyone I really do appreciate all the advice and opinions, I’m still a bit confused and feel like I only have two days to make a decision.

OP, it is clear you want this baby. So have it, love it and be the best parent you can be.

The scales are also dropping from your eyes as to what a ballsack your boyfriend is. He is not fatherhood material or even good partner material.

I think you'll do a fantastic job raising your child by yourself in your new home. In time, get an au pair or live in nanny who can help with unsociable hours childcare so you can keep the job you love. Or move your parents in, or whatever solution you sort out. You sound very level headed and practical.

I hope you ditch this loser soon. He is sucking the life out of you.

There's no rush, you don't have to decide at your appointment. You can have the counselling and then go home and think about

So I’ve told my parents (with everyone here in the house, so definitely not ideal as I messaged my dad), and he said oh dear! And asked me how I feel. He also said :

It’s not your last chance, and single parents alway seem to struggle and the children most certainly do ! Mum’s devastated and in tears ! you’d be in a constant battle with [name removed by MNHQ] for child support ! it’s not the news I wanted to hear, but it’s your decision !

My mums devastated and is crying! Which is why I told my dad and not her as I don’t want to be pressured into having an abortion that I don’t want. It’s actually gotten messier 😞

Ignore them. Your parents emotions are not your responsibility. They are probably holding out for the perfect marriage ideal scenario for you to start a family. But life often doesn't work like that. They've got to start facing the reality and accepting your life choices.