36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

Restart the folic acid asap while you decide.

If your GP thinks you need 5mg it will be for a reason, something like medication you are on or your BMI

Oh god read the comments @Ginfizplease and @ShalomToYouJackie and they were some big truth bombs! Thankyou gosh this is so hard, just wish I had a crystal ball. I don’t know if I want to be tied to him forever, but also don’t know if I’ll get the chance again. His parents are both decent people and local so that’s in my favour. It’s not like I will have had an affair like his ex who they hate, I will just have not had an abortion and everyone is different on what they can cope with and what they decide. Now i have a house I kind of want to fill it with kids, and I was imagining the nursery...

But something else he said when my house purchase was going through and I was living with him as a family- that him and the kids would move into mine which is a bit bigger, and he would rent his house out.. this is what I wanted as I didn’t want our relationship to go backwards and miss him too... fast forward a few months and he’s changed his mind and says he realises now that that’s fully my house, he wouldn’t want to “put the kids on me”, he will be round there and me at his, but he won’t move in with them as it’s too much of a risk it’s not their home, so the next time we would fully live together one house is if I sell my house and he sells his and we buy a place together. I was upset, thinking that will be years and years away (I chose this house without him, and would be happy there 15 years).. but he said no it’s not it would only be about 5 years or so. So I’d be expected to sell a house I’d probably only just finished doing up so that we could buy together? Is this off sounding to you? What is he playing at? My dad bought the house with me so I think there’s male pride/controlling issues from him over that. But equally, when his ex left it ended up being him on his mums conservatory floor for 6 months, so he’s risk averse. The fact that he changed what he said he would do though... what’s the point in us both paying to run two houses, why not move in and get an income from renting one? Doesn’t make sense unless he is very uncertain of me

Worst case scenario is you abort, your relationship inevitably breaks down as a result because you go through all the trauma of last time and worse, and you resent him for it. Then you potentially don't get another chance to have a kid so you have no partner and no baby. That's worst case.

Best case, you have they baby, drop the dead weight bloke who frankly sounds very controlling and selfish, work out all the logistics because you have to, (plus you have helpful parents and own a property so you will be fine). Then you meet someone a few years down the line who can accept you and your child as you are.

Sorry I'm not making any effort at all to be objective! I've had a termination and I can relate to the trauma it has caused you.

I've also lost several pregnancies and struggled with conceiving. Babies don't grow on trees. You can't always turn one down and expect another to be on cue when you want it.

+1 for not putting him on the birth certificate. This is actually a very clever move. If he's on it, he has parental responsibility in law and can turn up at any point in your life, even if he's been absent for a decade, making demands about what your kid does and where. He sounds like a miser (aside from the ostentatious Christmas gifts so he gets to be the golden dad) so he won't be helpful financially anyway and he's told you and demonstrated how unwilling he is to parent his kids. Much better to not give him any power especially as he's potentially controlling and could abuse it. He could prove parental responsibility with a DNA test if he applied but I'd bet my bottom dollar he never bothers.

You clearly really want this baby. My mum had my brother alone and penniless and many women like her turned it all around, so can you. Don't be too scared about money/logistics.

@AKissAndASmile I’m not sure about that re folic acid as it was an out of hours male GP and tbh he was so old and old school he seemed uncomfortable about the whole topic. I’m not on any meds at all and I’ve a normal range bmi. I thought it might have been a mistake !

I think if you have a child with him, you need to accept you'll be bringing it up on your own. Tbh your boyfriend sounds horrible - I'm not sure why you were angry with another poster who pointed that out. If you want to keep the child, then do, but I would dump him. The thing to remember is if you do have a baby with him, you'll have contact with this man for nearly 20 years and it doesn't sound as though that would be easy for you.

Havd you considered adoption. If you feel you can't cope with a baby and dont want an abortion. I don't think you can rely on your partner to be much support from what you've said.

Red flags everywhere in this situation op. And you’re focusing on plans to move your parents in as your childcare, telling them the baby’s sex, and folic acid. You are pregnant to a very unpleasant sounding man, newly into a demanding career, and effectively homeless.

He moved you into his house (and his children’s lives) after knowing you 2 weeks - red flag

His previous relationship breakdown was all the ex’s fault - red flag

His ex ‘tricked’ him into having dc in the first place - red flag

He ‘doesn’t trust her to spend the maintenance on the dc’ - red flag

Insists on 50/50 contact even though his ds is anxious and upset during his contact at his place, and he is neglecting very basic things like reading to him at night - red flag

He sounds extremely controlling and unpleasant and a lazy father. This is not going to be what you want to hear but i think you should end the pregnancy and the relationship. It may well be that single parenthood is an option for you down the line but I don’t think this bloke should be the sperm donor. Get your head out the clouds and think for a minute. If this was your baby in a few years, being upset and feeling sick at the thought of spending half his time at his dad’s, where he was ignored and neglected and could have random strangers moved in as his new stepmum at a moment’s notice, and this bloke was refusing to work on a solution with you because he didn’t trust you to spend your child maintenance appropriately, how would you feel?

@Doughnut100 Thankyou so much for your reply you’ve given me lots to think about especially with the not putting him on the BC suggestion. Maybe that’s something I could decide later on in the pregnancy and judge based on his behaviour and actions if I carry on.. I know that deep down my parents would be disappointed with that scenario, I’ve had a good upbringing and they only want the best for me and more. I had a fairly privileged upbringing really as we never had to worry about money, always had nice holidays eg Disney several times, and I know that that just won’t be my situation, but you always want to provide a similar or better childhood for your own kids don’t you? Maybe I’m better off just not having any kids at all, and finding someone else without kids who doesn’t want them, spend my life free and roaming the world as much as I want.. oh wait, covid

@HollowTalk sorry if I didn’t come across as I intended in a previous post as I wasn’t angry at all, genuinely a bit taken aback but grateful that’s what I meant to put across. That’s true about contact. People who know him say he’s a lovely lad, but I guess they’ve not lived with him lol and I don’t know him inside out yet though I can predict a lot of what he does/says

@Viviennemary there’s no way in the world I would be able to give away my baby, if I grow it and birth it, that baby is never leaving me

Hi OP. It's a tricky situation. The only part you can control is yourself. You are pregnant now. You are 36. Do you want children? If you do, I would think about keeping the child you have but as bringing it up as a single parent with support from your own family. I don't know where your DP is coming from with all that housing talk? 5 years to buy a house together putting you at 41? I bet he is just aiming to put off children and hoping you will go off the idea. He already has 2 children. That is enough for most people. You could also dump this man and look for someone totally new, many of my friends have had babies at 40+. What ever you decide Good Luck! You have got this! Xxx

@Firegirl35 no worries. I should add that I'm not advocating denying him contact or anything - just not putting it in law. I have seen so many men intentionally use parental responsibility as a means of control and abuse, and as some others have pointed out there are too many red flags in your relationship to rule this out.

Also, the most important thing is that you do what YOU want. Not your parents, certainly not him. You will have to live with your decision, with or without him. Make sure you make it 100% to stay true to yourself, whatever that is. Good luck. X

@MadameButterface

.. I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist for two years (groomed by him when I moved away from home and into the fire service) so I know all about red flags. He was emotionally abusive and just horrific the things he did and the rules he imposed... anyway, re the red flags you outlined, there I can see why you would think some of them, but I moved in early because the alternative was “wasting” £600 on a rental when I only was meant to be needing a place to stay for a few weeks. It was meant to be a few weeks which is why he offered, to save me the money, but that house purchase fell through and I went for a different house, which is why it’s ended up being 5 months living together. He’s not said it was all his ex’s doing, and admits that he was responsible too, he was a shit dad due to mental health and not coping, he worked too long hours which impacted their relationship, and various other things but he had therapy after it as he said he wanted to understand and not have future relationships fail.

I think he could give her more autonomy with money, he earns a bit more than her, and I think she’s generally a good mum. She has her own issues as she was abused as a child and had an affair with a much older man at work- she’s now 30 he’s 45. He tells me she should get counselling etc but that she’s a good mum and I have seen the kids and her with them and her home it’s clean and she looks out for them.

But yes all what you say is hard to hear and I don’t mean to sound like I’m making excuses for him, you’re right he’s lazy etc. I think I could do much better. And for that matter, maybe I should start looking at it like my unborn could do much better than him for a dad ? This is so sad when I want it

Keeping it may have a detrimental effect on his current DC, which I know isn’t strictly speaking my concern and shouldn’t push me to have an abortion, but i am compassionate and see things from his point of view, and also don’t want to rock the boat for them too much..

I think I’m realising more from everyone’s comments just how shit he actually is. 😢

I think you should have an abortion. Not just for you but for the sake of the kid whose parents may very well break up and will be juggled back and forth between houses. Also being unwanted by one of their parents sucks.

You would have to deal with this guy for the rest of your life. Your kids birthdays, graduation, wedding, grandkids birthdays and wedding etc. It's not just 18 years but a lifetime that you will have to spend with this guy. Huge commitment.

I also think it sucks to have a kid with someone who clearly doesn't want more. But then again, I think men should be more careful where they orgasm if they feel this way.

OP it's a tough one, and it's only a decision you can make. It's your body and your choice. Were I in your shoes however? I'd abort and go the donor route if I desired to have a child now.

Yes, the house thing is another red flag. Cheeky and presumptuous of him 5 months in to be earmarking your house, the fruits of your parents’ generosity, that you haven’t even moved into yet, as a saleable asset so he can buy himself and his dc a bigger house. Honestly op, stop with all the ‘lol’s and have a proper long look at the pickle you’ve landed yourself in.

He’s a total shit to you and his kids no way should you be effectively their step mum after 5 months no wonder they’re stressed

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be hitched to someone like that forever which you will be if you proceed with the baby - I guess that tells you what I’d do

You would have to deal with this guy for the rest of your life. Your kids birthdays, graduation, wedding, grandkids birthdays and wedding etc. It's not just 18 years but a lifetime that you will have to spend with this guy. Huge commitment.

This is very true! My DPs divorced in 1981 and they are STILL in each other's lives. Not that either of them mind, as over the years the hurt has mellowed to amicability, but having DC with someone makes it VERY hard to move on with your life. You'll be parents, then maybe one day you'll be grandparents .... you could be in each other's lives until one of you dies.

@MamaDane that’s so true actually I never really thought about it like that before, it being unfair to the kid if they thought they were unwanted. That would be awful, and I’d never want them to feel like they were a burden or unwanted I’d rather do it on my own than that! And yeah the link for lifetime I’m not totally sure about now, I don’t know if I really like him anymore tbh. I love him, but for me love doesn’t just turn on and off, and I think there’s large parts I don’t like about him.

@MadameButterface that’s true he’s hedging his bets with me by not commuting to moving in, then thinks he can get a better house for them all later down the line... I think he wanted me to be satisfied with his two, and that they would be “enough” for me.

God I deserve more than this

Oh Fire. I think you're worth 20 of him. I don't think he deserves you long term, so I would totally take him out of the equation, and do what you want to do. If you stay together - then maybe it works out, maybe it doesn't. If he ends it - it was probably headed that way anyway.

I think if you terminate when you don't want to, your relationship won't recover from that anyway.

It's shit when you have a baby with someone who doesn't care. I won't sugar coat that. My DS1's dad hasn't seen him or contacted him in 10 years. He has another son, whose mother was so unstable her children were taken permanently by social services and he didn't even want his own child when SS asked him, when the alternative was never seeing him again and no longer legally being his dad. What stings is that I'm still in contact with his mum on FB and so through there I can see that he now has a daughter who he's still heavily involved with. I can't understand it. It was really hard when DS1 was younger, easier now he's older and has a similar level of uninterest back!

But despite being hard it is in some ways easier - you can make decisions on your own and have your own space to think and do things your own way.

Just to add, the folic acid isn't 400mg, its 400 micro grames(mcg) and the 5mg is for people with higher bmi ect so don't worry

Read everyone’s comments and just want the whole thing to be over I’m going to be totally on my own, living alone, not knowing a soul here but him and his family, with covid making social groups etc near impossible. What shit

@BertieBotts oh that’s a very hurtful position to be in! Sometimes it’s so hard to understand why people do what they do, and to then see conflicting behaviour on FB must make you question ‘why’. Sorry he’s been shit to you, but he’s the one who is missing out and that’s all on him

@Firegirl35

Read everyone’s comments and just want the whole thing to be over I’m going to be totally on my own, living alone, not knowing a soul here but him and his family, with covid making social groups etc near impossible. What shit

You will have your colleagues in the fire service. My dad was a fire fighter and his friends from work were always like a big extended family to us all growing up. You took the huge step of moving away for this career for a reason remember? That reason was important enough to you to take a huge leap and strike out on your own. Hang on to that, don’t let what’s happened with this man cloud any of that for you. I think, unfortunately, he sees you as a free babysitter and a means to climb the property ladder. Don’t let him get in the way of what’s important to you, you’ve only known him 5 minutes.

@MadameButterface omg you’re right. I entertain the kids and play with them (DD anyway, DS is hardwired into the PlayStation), whilst he lays on his bed on his phone, or naps on the couch. He’s a pig and an arse when I think of it like that. I wasn’t happy with his behaviour towards me before I fell pregnant and was going to see how it panned out in the new year and once I’d moved into my own home. But there must be better guys out there than this?! I was happy being single too tbh, I think I’ll get that second job and concentrate on me and building my house into a home, I could get a lodger and even try and save some money for in future if I did choose to become a single mum by donor one day..