36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

we got lots of our baby stuff cheap or free from facebook marketplace. i have tonnes of stuff here i was going to give away for free and you're welcome to have as much as you need :)

Hope you are ok OP 💕

I hope everything is going well and you are not being swayed by your parents into doing something that isn’t in your best interests

@Firegirl35

How are you holding up hun? You’ve crossed my mind lots x

Hi, I’m really sorry I’ve not been able to and not yet ready to post. I had a termination, and I’m dealing with the after effects. I will write when I can xxx I didn’t want to risk feeling more guilty/worse or back out if I came on here before it, then I didn’t think I deserved the support from anyone if I posted after it. As it turned out it was harrowing

@Firegirl35 you did the right thing for you, you will be supported either way - I promise. Please reach out if you need too - even privately if you’d like to message me. Sending you love x

@Firegirl35

Hi, I’m really sorry I’ve not been able to and not yet ready to post. I had a termination, and I’m dealing with the after effects. I will write when I can xxx I didn’t want to risk feeling more guilty/worse or back out if I came on here before it, then I didn’t think I deserved the support from anyone if I posted after it. As it turned out it was harrowing

it was and always was about what you felt was best for you and what you felt you could cope with going into the future . to be fair i had a feeling youd had one anyway these last couple of days , its not the easiest i do know , but you have got support here xx

I’m sorry it was so hard for you OP, but it was never going to be an easy choice I suppose. Don’t worry you don’t owe anyone any explanations. I hope that you will be able to heal and move forward eventually.

Here to support Op. You did what you needed to do. Take time to heal and reach out for help if you need it. Hope your okay. Xx

Thankyou everyone for being so lovely. I do want to reach out for support and to share the end of my pregnancy and start of recovery journey with you. I am absolutely drained and exhausted. I am falling asleep but I will write again tomorrow xx

Still thinking if your @Firegirl35, at the end of the day it's your life, your body, your choice. You had to do what was right for you. Neither choice was going to be easy. No judgement. Thinking of you.

Oh, love. Sending you the most massive virtual hug. We are all here when you need us. Just take good care of yourself in the meantime - you'll be mentally and physically exhausted for a wee while.

X

I didn’t think I deserved the support

Oh @Firegirl35, OF COURSE you deserve support. Why would you think that?

You made the decision that was right for you (and you managed to rid yourself of an abusive relationship along the way). I really hope you are very kind to yourself now and perhaps get some support in the longer term to move forward in the way that YOU choose to.

Wishing you the happy future you deserve

Thankyou 😭😭😭
I’ve arranged for counselling via my workplace which starts on Wednesday, and the clinic counsellors will phone me Thursday or before if they can...
At the moment I’m going through many emotions, intense grief and loss, sadness, emptiness and regret. Today I had an angry day and have been shouting and crying. I’ve been reliving it in my head, trying to keep busy but then on a walk/in quiet time I hear my self think and true thoughts and I think I did the wrong thing. But part of me knows it was the right thing really and hopes that eventually I catch up with fully feeling that if that makes sense. I’m not sleeping at night, awake till 5am and then I’ll get maybe 2 hours sleep. I’ve been tearful and my parents let me howl in pain the next morning to them. Only emotional pain which actually does feel physical. I think I’m making a good recovery physically. I just feel empty and like my reason for life and the future has gone, and what I had let myself get excited about, just have a horrible sinking heavy feeling and loss.
My mum phoned the hospital to cancel my booking appointment and 12 week scan which should have been today and Sunday.. they didn’t get the memo and I had a midwife call me today so that was awful telling her I wasn’t pregnant anymore.
The termination was Tuesday. I wrote a note about it may share here. Every day have had to tell a new different person I’m not pregnant anymore. I feel like I don’t deserve to grieve as I was the cause of it..

I don’t know how to feel better yet. I’ve tried reminding myself of my reasons, which I totally forgot afterwards. And tried keeping busy, but then as the hours go by the emptiness kicks in and it’s awful.

My parents leave at the weekend so I’ll be alone from then.

I looked at getting the puppy I’ve wanted since I was a teenager but have had to wait until I bought my own house- there’s a 2 year waiting list and they have trebled in price to £3000.

Not getting any comfort from anywhere or anything, and desperate to find something. I started talking to someone online (male) yesterday for the distraction.. have had moments where I feel like my old self. But I’m very up and down. I wish I hadn’t let myself bond, keep a scan picture, look at the development etc and even take so long deciding..
What would have been the playroom has now been painted and is a snug. What would have been the nursery is going to become a study. I’ve had to tell the woman who will move in that I’ve had a termination as she knew I was pregnant. Have had to tell my manager. The hospital.

Not that I’m thinking of him but it was my ex’s birthday yesterday.. I didn’t message him. I haven’t heard from him in 12 days, since he dropped the last of my things and I told him I had my booking appointment today. He hasn’t messaged to ask how it went. He’s definitely shown me his true colours all the more by no contact- why wouldn’t you just check in, I knew that at one point I was reconsidering a termination, wouldn’t you want to know if I still was pregnant? I could have had a miscarriage or anything in that time. I don’t know how to deal with it if he eventually messages me and asks me about it. To think that I’ll tell him I had a termination and he would just say oh good it’s for the best, and completely dismiss how I feel and not ask how I am makes my blood boil. My friend said I don’t owe him anything and to just block him now but I don’t know. He could always just show up here if I did that.

He’s not my main concern, my main concern is my own mental health and how to get through it and not be a totally changed person for the worse... I know having a baby would have made me a better person, as I would have become more selfless, responsible, organised etc. Now I’m just feeling like a coward for not being courageous enough to take the risk and have it, weak, selfish, and undeserving of happiness/love/a future. I feel like all my smiles have been taken away and I won’t laugh easily again, that when I return to work I’ll be a different person and everyone will notice that change. Only one person there knows.

Just a ramble really, tonight will be my third night since and I dread the evenings and not getting to sleep. But the worse is in the morning, both times I have woken up and simultaneously forgotten and then remembered what’s happened and then felt it all all over again. It’s awful. I know that’s normal of grief as I’ve experienced it before when my grandparents died, and even after a relationship breakdown. Just super intense feelings of everything all at once to start the day!

Does anyone have any tips on how to feel better at all no matter how slight or find some relief in the first days and weeks of darkness?

A big part of me does feel relieved, and I’m reminding myself of the potential future I could have got myself into with that man and family, that if he was involved it would have been bad for the child, and if he wasn’t at all and no daddy I would feel unfair on the child and guilt. One of the 4 counsellors said that I should know my limitations, as everyone has their own limits. I was furious at the time as I thought I was being encouraged into a termination, but actually started to think you know I don’t think I would cope all that well either mentally or financially raising a child all on my own. I can get very low at times and easily stressed, and anytime I’ve thought about children it’s as part of a family unit not solo.. someone said to me, and it might be wrong, but with a termination I’d have to be strong for a few years and eventually recover, but if I had a child on my own I’d have to be strong for it for the rest of my life. I realised I wasn’t ready, and especially not to have to be strong with what would be going on in the background and in future with manipulative ex, who would probably tell the child that I’d kept him from seeing them, or that I was crazy and called the police etc etc whatever lies he wanted to tell.

I know that this way I have a chance at a fresh start, and if I’m really really lucky to meet someone who wants the same things from life before it’s too late for me.

I was thinking about retraining in something as a back up to my job as I am concerned about my fitness post covid and am not even allowed to exercise now whilst recovering. But the thing that I had in mind is working with children (counsellor/play therapist) and I don’t even know if I can do that anymore.. I couldn’t be near the women walking with babies on my walk. Babies and children and families are just everywhere, there’s no escape. I’m still getting notifications on my phone, emails, adverts on facebook and Instagram etc all about pregnancy and babies. Even after trying to remove myself from groups etc, my searches the past few weeks have all been about babies so I’m inundated. I know I have to leave social media etc for a while. But how to distract myself to feel a bit better?! I don’t want the termination to have been in vain

Thankyou for listening xx

Oh OP I'm sorry you feel like this, I terminated before at a very late stage and felt the same way. It took a long time to get over it and that's the only thing that helped was time really. I know that's not what you want to hear, look after yourself.

Hi @Nowifi Thankyou yes I feared that that is all that will help, which brings little comfort when you are in the thick of it and want some relief now! I’m trying to be kind to myself. I know there’s a road ahead, I’m extremely grateful to have had mumsnet, and to have a counsellor lined up who I had a very brief chat with yesterday I think and felt better after.. maybe as I concentrated quite a lot on the ex and the situation and his parenting and controlling nature, so I feel like I’ve made a difficult decision for both me and baby and had a lucky escape. We will really start to unpack feelings about the termination, maybe the earlier one, and my feelings about motherhood and life from next week, so I could end up feeling worse before I feel better. I just hope that I do feel better. Trying to be philosophical, which doesn’t work on the heart and grief/feelings that are just coming up from gut, yet at least it’s keeping the mind a bit more sane and I’ll just have to feel what I’m going to feel

Counselling sounds like a very good idea. I'm so sorry you're finding this all so hard. It's great that you were able to do what you felt was best. And no more ties with your ex. I think I would probably let him know - just so you won't have it hanging over you. Hopefully he won't contact you.

Maybe just go online little by little when you're feeling strong, ask facebook not to show those ads (it's the three dots top right) and if you see ads with the little blue triangle at the top you can press that to change preferences there as well. Or get an adblocker add on.

Hi Bertie,

Thank you for those practical tips, i had no idea of that. I know you are in my birth group and I feel so ashamed. I had dreaded coming on MN to post an update as I feel like I've let both myself and all the women who believed in me down. I am strangely embarrassed. Have had to come off the FB group obviously.
Last time when I was 24 I became totally obsessed by pregnancy/babies for a long time afterwards, I even posted on MN to ask advice about baby names. For a baby I didnt even have nor was going to. I just couldnt accept it and part of me still felt like/wanted to be pregnant.

I know I wont do that now. But even though I had the most horrific morning sickness which has now gone, I miss it. And even though I felt really rough and lacked energy, I missed going out my house for a walk and feeling that sense of protectiveness over bump- taking more care when crossing the road, being extra vigilant putting face masks on even on street.. I had something and someone bigger and more important than me to take care of and worry about. I miss that. I bonded too much.

I'm throwing myself into designing and decorating my house in time for a lodger, but when thats all done I think about the looming emptiness and lack of fulfillment that comes with living a single and mostly selfish life. I know many parents may at times envy that life, and maybe, hopefully, I dont have many years of it left but who knows. I think I should plan to do things that would have been difficult/impossible to do if I had a baby. Once covid is under control.. maybe a girls only holiday, or take up kayaking and try and meet local people. I have to try and keep occupied.
re ex, I am not sure yet. I am curious as to when he will bother his ar$e to even ask after me, and though it may be petty a big part of me thinks $crew you, if you dont even care enough to ask how I or the baby is after first scan, why should I tell you anyway. Let him sweat. Can't deal with him yet anyway.

Oops, that above post is firegirl I've just used a mac with an old username on!

I'm really proud of you FireGirl. I've been thinking about you a lot and worrying about you, and I think you have a made a really difficult but hopefully freeing choice that gives you so many options for your future. I think when you are in a better place you might look into freezing your eggs so that you can remove of bit of time pressure from yourself.

I can only imagine you from your posts having a kick ass and fulfilling life you make for yourself because you come across as a resourceful, thoughtful, kind, determined fighter who has a real vision of what they want but also an ability to be flexible and adapting. I have suffered a loss this year and grief is hard and personal. You will feel it for a while (it does get better, for me its been 4 months and I feel normally on the day to day now and stable. It doesn't even come up in therapy much now but I do think of it everyday. But I don't cry when I think of it anymore.) Other people won't get it or be as sensitive as you want. When I feel my grief isn't appropriate or it isn't an appropriate thing to express to others (it was an ex) sometimes I find it helpful to view my grief as something that honors that person/loss and what they meant to me and my grief is an expression of my love and a acknowledgment that roads not taken are not lesser roads or roads I didn't want to take, but roads I can't or couldn't take and there is nothing wrong with grieving that. I don't know if any of this will help you or if it's even useful to day or maybe somehow makes things worse. But I do want you to know that I (and I'm sure many other internet strangers) have been thinking of you, kindly, and wishing the best for you, and support your choices and think regardless of what you do with it that you have a very enriching life ahead of you!

Please don't feel ashamed! That's not how I see it at all. I can go if you'd rather me not be here, but it doesn't matter (to me) - it was always unrelated. I just saw you were in a difficult situation and needed support. Why would we stop believing in you because you changed your mind? You were totally entitled to do that, in fact you did several times! That probably means it was the right decision, in the end, being thought through so thoroughly. It was never anyone else's choice, only yours.

Oh gosh @hotsouple that is so lovely, thank you so so much for your kind post and what lovely things to say. Honestly I am feeling a warm embrace around me now, and I feel like I have never really been alone in all of this. It’s helped me so much being listened to and heard. I know you see me, and Thankyou for caring. There are many many kind souls on this forum, and no doubt a lot of them whom have been through pregnancy loss or choice in one form of another, so to be able to share experiences and support each other is so empowering and so moving.
Thankyou for your confidence in my choice and future, it also inspires me further. This has been and is a very difficult and sad time, but you are right in that I am resilient and I am determined to not let this have been in vain.. I must remind myself of the reasons I had, and how I am free of negative influences in my life for good now. I am going to trust my gut instincts with people more and focus on myself first now for a while, to heal and grow. I have a home to build, a new female lodger to welcome who is also my age and child free, into the same things I am, and I know will become a friend and source of joy. I’d like to join clubs in my area when they re-open, a kayak club and meet like minded people near me, build my support and social network, adventure on kayak camping holidays and get all the things out my system that I want to do. Maybe within all that I’ll meet a partner, maybe not. He could be child free and we enjoy our life and I change my mind about children, or we could both desperately want to create a family together. I know anything can happen and I will try not to dwell too much on the path I didn’t take, as I will miss all the flowers that line the path that I did.

Your comment about egg freezing hadn’t crossed my mind thank you so much for the reminder! As yes if I want to have a baby in future, and I wouldn’t necessarily wait for a man next time, I think in years time I would be confident enough and strong enough to go solo, that would be a really good to have done. I shall look into that, no idea of the cost or the procedure!!

I would be open to having my own child one day and adopting aswell, I know I would have a lot to offer. Now might not be the right time for me, but when it is, I’m going to smash motherhood out the park 😉💖💖💖
Thankyou again. I feel very humbled by all the support xxx

I will try not to dwell too much on the path I didn’t take, as I will miss all the flowers that line the path that I did.

This is lovely

@BertieBotts no don’t go!! I didn’t mean you to feel bad, I’m sorry! I just had so wanted many times to be able to fully join you on the birth group, and start contributing instead of lurking, so I’m disappointed in many ways I didn’t get to do that. But I think you are right in that it’s the right decision, after so long thinking and so much going back and forth, even though I am definitely heart broken and I wish it could have been different, I think that this route will bring me more peace in the long term than the other. When I didn’t go to the second appointment I didn’t feel that relief and happiness that I should have done which was a worry both in itself for me, but also because I had noticed that the days where I let myself think more about life without a child right now where the days where noticed I was happier- more myself and joking around. It still doesn’t detract from the fact that I really want to be a mother, which feels quite contradictory and confusing, but maybe it just showed that my head was saying “No” and my heart was saying “another day”. Although I was put under quite a lot of pressure by my parents at various times, in the last week or so I’d really felt from them that actually they just wanted me to decide and stick to it, that it’s my life not theirs and they will worry about me either way, but they will also support me either way. That almost “permission” to continue with the pregnancy with their blessing (sort of!!!) didn’t make me feel relieved or calm or confident to go ahead, so I realised it wasn’t right for me now. I can’t blame anyone else, it was my decision in end and I could have walked out of the clinic but I didn’t. It was beyond difficult and I had three panic attacks on the day there, was sent out, returned, collapsed when I went into the theatre room and took two attempts to get back in there, my heart rate and blood pressure also crashed and I was given glucose tablets, biscuits and 6 drinks to get back to normal levels before I could be discharged! It was the most difficult day of my life and I don’t ever want to be in the position of feeling like I have an unwanted pregnancy ever again! I regret getting into that position in the first place, like I’m sure many ladies do. I just pray for forgiveness and that my prayers will be answered for my future. Life with my ex’s children was more enriching, because of those children, nothing to do with him and I stayed for them. So I know one day I will do it alone if I have to, if I don’t find my life partner first. I want a chance at the life I had dreamed of before going down that route xx

Sumo him. Have baby. Friends will support you