36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

I haven't read all the replies op but I have read all your posts. At 35 your fertility is declining , I had no trouble getting pregnant in my 20's but it took 3 years when I ttc at 36. I think this relationship isn't going to last anyway tbh , you don't seem to have the same values and even though things have progressed quicker than was expected that still doesn't mean he had to move straight out of the honeymoon period but he chose to. Lots of women are fantastic single mums and I think you will be . Yes it's hard ( I had a baby at 19 father didn't want to know ) but it's also amazing and extremely rewarding. I wouldn't want this to be your only chance of motherhood and when this relationship ends by the time you meet ' mr right ' it could be too late to have a baby.

[quote Firegirl35]@happinessischocolate did you meet a new partner in those 17 years?[/quote]
No, I've had a couple of romances but nothing serious, that has been my choice though, I wanted concentrate on the kids and now have the rest of my life to find the man of my dreams.

Many single mum friends have found new men and married them, I'm more looking for someone who will leave me alone all week and just take me out for a date on Saturday night 😉

Being a single mum is bloody hard work, but at the same time is totally doable. We live in an expensive good area and at least half the parents have split up by the time the kids start secondary school, you and your child certainly wouldn't be odd ones out.

I found myself in a slightly worse situation than you (fell pregnant after a brief fling, the father wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and I was younger than you)

I decided I wanted my baby, I felt it was pretty likely to be my only chance at motherhood and that although financially it would be tight it would be doable.

My advice is if you want your baby then have your baby, if the dad doesn't want to be involved and you have any qualms about him keep him off the birth certificate.

Financially you may be eligible for tax credits/universal credit, everyone gets child benefit (unless you earn lots) and your ex will have to pay maintenance.

I have no regrets, my daughter is 14yo now and there have been challenges but the pros outweigh the cons!

@Firegirl35

I’ve read through the whole thread and I just want to send you massive heartfelt hugs.

You sound like a lovely person who deserves a caring partner especially after all you have been through.

And you sound like you would be a wonderful mum, whatever you decide, whether now or in future.

Please don’t let your parents or partners reaction influence your decision. This is really all your choice. You can’t make it based on anyone else’s feelings otherwise you’ll have regret and resentment for a long time (which you already know can happen).

Also, please ignore your parents comments of “this is not the life we want for you”. That amounts to emotional blackmail. You are a grown woman and more than capable of living the life that YOU choose. As someone said previously, the notion of the “ideal” family is a fallacy.

My heart goes out to you and I’m keeping you in my thoughts because it really is a heart wrenching thing to deal with. You aren’t alone and even though we are mere strangers on the internet there are many women who can sympathise and empathise with you and probably would love to give you a big hug and handhold throughout this.

I had my first child on my own - hard work but doable.
What made it easier for me was that I ended up sharing my house with another single mother - so we shared a lot of the childcare etc.
Don't think we would ever gave become friends under normal circumstances but because we both needed mutual support it worked well.
Only you can decide what is right for you.

As others have pointed out, there is an age factor - if you do want a child you do not have time in your side as meeting someone, building a long term relationship etc will take years.

Hi there --

I read this whole thread. I was in a similar situation (similar but different) quite a few years ago so I can relate to many aspects of your situation.

I fell pregnant at 20; I had left uni and was living at home, with no job. I wasn’t sure I wanted a child then, or ever. My boyfriend wanted me to have an abortion, but, although everything seemed against me having my baby, I didn’t want to harm this little being inside of me who was depending on me for life. So I kept him and raised him without that boyfriend in the picture or without help from any man, and things worked out really well! His arrival motivated me to turn my life around, go back to school (yes, parenting and education can be done at the same time), and get a pretty good job to provide for us. He’s grown now and is successful and happy in life, and helps me in many ways.

So, … not identical to your situation, but same difficult decision. And you’ve said many many things in your posts that imply you want your baby.

Don’t worry about this loser being a part of your life. As someone else said, don’t put him on the birth certificate. I didn’t, and therefore I was never compelled to deal with the father. My son does know his father didn’t want him, and of course that hurts in some ways, but that absolutely didn’t make his life not worth living; it didn’t mean he’d be better off dead. He knows he was loved by one of his parents which is more than many children have, and as I said, his life has turned out well. He has said that the way he was raised taught him that women are strong and can accomplish anything. I think he’s more of a feminist than I am!

Your parents don't sound like the most helpful sorts, they steered you an a wrong direction before ... but look, you’re an adult and this is your life. It’s got nothing to do with what anyone else thinks!

Anyway, good luck on Tuesday and be sure to look at your scan as it will help you to make a more informed decision. Be sure to research foetal development too, so you know what you might be giving up. It’s your choice at the end of the day, plain and simple.

It does rather seem like you won’t be truly happy, I mean deep down genuinely happy, unless and until you are a mum, and I can certainly relate to that, though I didn't realise how much it would fulfil me till it happened. People are saying you could just have another baby later – as though it were that easy to just find someone else. You sound like an intelligent, thoughtful person who is pleasant to spend time with. You’re probably more likely than the average woman to be able to attract a good partner. But that doesn’t mean it’s in any way guaranteed that fate will put that special someone in your path, no matter how many efforts you make, or that he will really (a) make a good partner and (b) give you the baby you want. There are far too many uncertainties. For now, you’ve got your real, wanted baby already right here right now!!

Sincerely wish you all the best no matter what.

Life is short. You have been blessed with a baby and I think it probably is your last chance. Pregnancies post 35 are higher risk and who knows if you will meet someone else in time and of course you have to get to know them etc and the likelihood of meeting someone else the same age who hasn't got kids is slim so you will be in the whole step mum phase again even if you do meet someone and they might not want more kids either.

Your partner sounds awful and it's quite clear you can't stay with him baby or not so I won't dwell on that aspect of your thread.

Think of the reality of the situation:
❤️You are a young woman with a fantastic career which is well paid and with an excellent pension (not a struggling low income single mum scenario) your employer will be flexible with working hours as they are obliged.
❤️ from what you've said you are caring towards children and would be a great mum
❤️you have your own house almost ready to go
❤️you are financially well enough off to do this
❤️for all the blustering and aggro your parents will support you when it comes to it. They are disappointed as it's not ideal to do it on your own but as you said your mum made her own mistakes too and that doesn't mean they will abandon you. They will step up for their grandchild.
❤️you have a beautiful baby in there who wants to meet his/her mummy. You could have a wonderful life.

If you stay with this prick and abort your baby I think you will be miserable. His kids aren't yours, the relationship sounds awful and you have a shot at happiness here. Don't lose it

Don't bring an innocent human being into this fucked-up mess.

OMG! What the hell am I reading?

OP, you said in your heart you want this baby. You then have gone on to say you outright want it but are scared.

Fuck your emotionally abusive mother and boyfriend. Have this baby because YOU want it! Guess what? There is never a perfect time to have kids for most people. And even if it was bloody perfect, it can change in the blink of an eye.

You are chatting about not having this baby on your own but then going on about having one with a gay man or sperm bank!

You go on about what's best for this baby, that is being with you and loved and yes wanted. Your baby is not going to feel unwanted like you do by your mother, because you want it. Fuck the dad if he wants no part, tough shit to him then.

Loads of kids have no dad in their life, they don't grow up fucked up.

Oh and you know what else, this is Mumsnet. anyone on here could be your arsehole bf or mother. They want you to bin this baby, they know you're on a sodding forum. It's not hard to know it's you by all the info and names, messages, you have posted.

You want to know the sex, you are going for a scan, guessing you're going to want to look at the screen? It's so clear you want this baby.

You say maybe you were not meant to be a mother. Well guess what? It's happening unless you stop it!

I'm so pro-choice. But you post is so wrong, you are talking about ending a pregnancy because of what a abusive mother and boyfriend has said to you. You will not be a poor mother living in moth eaten clothes and eating bread.

Yes it's scary because it's the unknown to you but it will always be unknown until you do it. You could get married and have a kid and the father walk out leaving you in debt and poor. As I said, even when it seems like the perfect time to have a baby, it can change in a blink of an eye.

Keep this baby, you want it. It's so clear you are not over your last one. Don't make the same mistake again! The mistake being having a termination because someone else wants you to have one.

If your posts read like you wanted a termination, make no mistake, I would be saying do it, it's you choice! But all I'm hearing is you saying you want this baby and then trying to talk bollocks on why not to have it. You're trying to talk yourself into having a termination.

You will be a good mother, you will. Gosh I think most people worry they will be shit, it's normal to worry. And yes once baby is here you will still worry you are getting it all wrong. It's normal to feel like that. Don't mistake those feelings as "it's not meant to be".

Don't listen to the arseholes on here who say don't bring a kid in to this blah! They are full of shit. It's not like you're married to a wife beater who is also a child killer. Yes your bf is a shit dad but so could be the next man. You never really know until it's too late. Gosh if women all binned their babies because men were shit, we would be going fucking extinct!

Err, just for the record my husband is a good father! But let's be honest a lot are not.

Wishing you all the best, OP.

You want the baby, so have the baby.
You are 35, you have a home, you have a job, it may not be easy but you can do this.
It doesn't matter what your parents, boyfriend, friends or us think, this is your life, do what's good for you

This is worth a read before you make a decision....

To be so happy that I’m a single parent http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4115666-To-be-so-happy-that-I-m-a-single-parent

Please keep that little baby. All babies are a blessing and can totally change your life. I’m 32 and would love a baby but aren’t in a relationship to have one. Think about things like Xmas days when your little one is excited and opening their presents and holidays with an ice cream. This could be the making of you and you will never be alone again with a baby around. I think you may regret your decision if you get rid but you would never regret keeping your baby no matter how difficult the situation is. Stay strong for both of you and congratulations!!! X

@WTGO

OMG! What the hell am I reading?

OP, you said in your heart you want this baby. You then have gone on to say you outright want it but are scared.

Fuck your emotionally abusive mother and boyfriend. Have this baby because YOU want it! Guess what? There is never a perfect time to have kids for most people. And even if it was bloody perfect, it can change in the blink of an eye.

You are chatting about not having this baby on your own but then going on about having one with a gay man or sperm bank!

You go on about what's best for this baby, that is being with you and loved and yes wanted. Your baby is not going to feel unwanted like you do by your mother, because you want it. Fuck the dad if he wants no part, tough shit to him then.

Loads of kids have no dad in their life, they don't grow up fucked up.

Oh and you know what else, this is Mumsnet. anyone on here could be your arsehole bf or mother. They want you to bin this baby, they know you're on a sodding forum. It's not hard to know it's you by all the info and names, messages, you have posted.

You want to know the sex, you are going for a scan, guessing you're going to want to look at the screen? It's so clear you want this baby.

You say maybe you were not meant to be a mother. Well guess what? It's happening unless you stop it!

I'm so pro-choice. But you post is so wrong, you are talking about ending a pregnancy because of what a abusive mother and boyfriend has said to you. You will not be a poor mother living in moth eaten clothes and eating bread.

Yes it's scary because it's the unknown to you but it will always be unknown until you do it. You could get married and have a kid and the father walk out leaving you in debt and poor. As I said, even when it seems like the perfect time to have a baby, it can change in a blink of an eye.

Keep this baby, you want it. It's so clear you are not over your last one. Don't make the same mistake again! The mistake being having a termination because someone else wants you to have one.

If your posts read like you wanted a termination, make no mistake, I would be saying do it, it's you choice! But all I'm hearing is you saying you want this baby and then trying to talk bollocks on why not to have it. You're trying to talk yourself into having a termination.

You will be a good mother, you will. Gosh I think most people worry they will be shit, it's normal to worry. And yes once baby is here you will still worry you are getting it all wrong. It's normal to feel like that. Don't mistake those feelings as "it's not meant to be".

Don't listen to the arseholes on here who say don't bring a kid in to this blah! They are full of shit. It's not like you're married to a wife beater who is also a child killer. Yes your bf is a shit dad but so could be the next man. You never really know until it's too late. Gosh if women all binned their babies because men were shit, we would be going fucking extinct!

Err, just for the record my husband is a good father! But let's be honest a lot are not.

Wishing you all the best, OP.

I couldn't have said this any better!

@Firegirl35 how are you feeling today?

When I fell pregnant with my 2nd child my ExDH was adamant he didn't want me to keep the pregnancy. I did and the marriage broke from that day. I'm now a single Mum to 2 and he has not paid maintenance in years. I have a good job but managing that with kids and all the other responsibilities is so hard at times .
ExDH swans in and out when he feels like it, turns everything upside down and I have to pick up the pieces. I have a great family network but can honestly say if I had my time again I would never have settled with him. Do what's right for you OP but it's really not the easy option!

You want the baby! I think you would be happier on your own though. Keep the baby. You will be fine xx

My mum cried when I told her, she had always said she didn’t want to be a grandma.
She told me to terminate, was completely disinterested in my baby and it growing up. I really thought she would come around. She didn’t.

We are now no contact, but it shone a light on an already creaky relationship and she was replicating that with my child. So it had to go.

You seem to have a lot of people who are trying to control you, your partner and your parents.
Frankly at 35 if you want to be a mum I would take this chance. It will be tough, many people in solid relationships don’t make it through baby years. You cannot and should not make this decision to appease others.

If you want this baby then have it OP. I think your parents sound shocked but that doesn’t mean they won’t be supportive once you’ve decided what you want to do. Ultimately they only want you to be happy. I had my first DD at 19 as a single parent and my parents initially reached the same as you. I can honestly say I wouldn’t change my decision to keep her she is a total joy and inspired me to do my nursing degree etc.

@headabovewaterjust

When I fell pregnant with my 2nd child my ExDH was adamant he didn't want me to keep the pregnancy. I did and the marriage broke from that day. I'm now a single Mum to 2 and he has not paid maintenance in years. I have a good job but managing that with kids and all the other responsibilities is so hard at times . ExDH swans in and out when he feels like it, turns everything upside down and I have to pick up the pieces. I have a great family network but can honestly say if I had my time again I would never have settled with him. Do what's right for you OP but it's really not the easy option!

But this thread isn't about the man, it's about keeping the baby. So if you had your time again would you terminate the 2nd pregnancy and stay with your dh?

What a tricky situation OP.

First off, the relationship is over - sounds like he won’t stay if you keep the baby and you won’t stay if you have the abortion (and rightly so - he doesn’t sound like he deserves you).

So your options are:

• bring up the baby alone
• have an abortion and meet someone else to have kids with
• have an abortion and have a child by yourself (sperm donor etc)

If you are prepared to bring up a child alone then you need to decide whether it’s better for it to be this child or go down sperm donor route.

Pros of this child: you’re pregnant, risk that conceiving again harder and more expensive, no regrets re abortion: cons - you’re tied to this deadbeat, you’re not as prepared as you might be, and you miss the chance of meeting someone and having a baby together.

Pros of sperm donor: you do it all on your terms, when financially sorted as you can be etc. Cons: risk you don’t conceive, and potential expense involved.

Personally I’d go the donor route. I think you can ignore the posters saying this is your last chance. 35 is not old - I would advise against a 35 year old putting off ttc for the first time, but you already know you can conceive easily so don’t have any major problems. You can afford to give it a year or two. You might meet someone in that time and if you don’t you can plan things and do it properly.

Fwiw I’m the child of a single parent (they split when I was a toddler), no contact with my dad and I had a fantastic childhood, now a successful career and lovely family. V close to my amazing mum. I also had an abortion when the time wasn’t right and no regrets - I have 2 children now.

Oh girls 😢 I’m in hell. Two nights ago I thought I had a light bulb moment in bed where I pieced together small incidents or comments from OH and thought “he’s a narcissist!” Much more subtle than the last one who was absolutely horrific, but a narc nonetheless. I don’t think I believe that now, my head was spinning, but it made it easier to then message my mum early hours of the morning and tell her I was having a termination. She of course was supportive saying they would come down whenever I want them. I don’t know why I feel like I have to have my mothers approval at 35. Even if I didn’t think I needed any help from her I think I would still feel like this. She is 65, dad is 70, they retired two years ago and have no friends, are very bored and lonely, and because of that invest too much in me for a source of interest/company/entertainment, swinging from being too clingy to starting arguments and bickering. I had naively thought this would bring us all together as a family and that it is the perfect time to have a baby- I have a house, they are retired. But they have other ideas 😔
Anyway after that message I had busy day yesterday at my house with OH painting etc, we didn’t have the kids. I started to feel the anger and resentment to my mum grow and grow and I really don’t know how to handle the anger I feel towards her for having this reaction yet again and making out they will abandon me (the comments on me being on my own financially and emotionally- who says that? It’s making me hate her). Maybe our relationship is destroyed either way, if I keep it or not. She could even resent the baby. I think she lives vicariously through me, and maybe she didn’t want kids so doesn’t want me to make the same mistake!! It has since her reaction to the first made me feel since that it must be awful and no ones talking about it, hence I swinged between wanting them and not, especially as I googled things like I regret my children which I know is taboo but very real.
Last night in bed I was typing a message on here, when my OH saw and pushed for what I was doing. I tried to be casual but he pressed me and I’ve ended up saying I’m talking to people for advice. We then had a full blown argument. He told me not to listen to “Karen’s on the internet who don’t know your situation” and I said I was explaining my situation and people are sharing their experiences, and of different terminations too. Which he also thought was shit as like when people leave reviews apparantly only a certain type of person does that so I’m getting a skewed perspective, I said no I’m getting an honest and varied perspective and it helps. He told me not to and I was like why shouldn’t I educate myself and gain more knowledge?! Then it went on... to the option of me keeping the baby and he emphatically repeated that he didn’t want any more children. I asked ever? And he said not right now, and that it was a mistake as I should have been on the pill, it will tear us apart etc etc... we kept butting heads to the point that I was triggered by something he said to call him a bad name, he told me not to speak to him like that and I could move out. He called himself a sperm donor and said what he wants doesn’t matter. I’m going to bring a kid into the world regardless? Even though he doesn’t want it? Coz thats fair and will be easy etc.. making me feel like actually no it’s not fair on him. I regret deeply getting myself into this situation but I’m in it now. He also said how much people would be angry- like his parents- and will say why are you getting her pregnant so early on? Because she wasn’t taking the pill! When he said that we argued about the incident again and me being ill with covid so didn’t take it he said I should still have taken it lol. He thinks I’ve done it on purpose to trap him. We kind of made up watched a film went to sleep, but in the morning time he’d rather motion for his dog to come further up the bed to him than put his arm around me. This is not unusual.

I feel so alone other than with everyone on MN who have been such a support it’s incredible. If I feel so alone now, I can’t imagine how isolating and lonely it would be on my own with a baby. I’ve no experience with babies and don’t have a clue about caring for them, it would be a massive learning curve. I also do very badly without sleep so the deprivation intimidates me.

Oh my mum had said about single struggling mums as my wage isn’t very good, low 20sk and I live in an expensive county so I actually do struggle sometimes just me. I know I could cut back though- socialising, big food shops, and things for my house have all been things that have pushed me past two years, I wouldn’t have them anymore!! I’d have to get a lodger, but who would want to live with a newborn ?

I was also reading the lone parents thread on here and the financial side of things worries me- I think he might fight contributing to a child he doesn’t want. Can he be forced to?

The donor route I wouldn’t have that help and I think I might need it, it would help a lot

OP, it is quite common to fall for narcissists again if you have once. Have you come across the videos by Melanie Tonia Evans on YouTube? I actually wonder whether your mum has narcissistic traits too, there's such a thing as a covert narcissist that isn't necessarily all grandiose and so on but still a dangerous manipulator. What you said about her living through you makes sense to me and sounds like that. Please don't give in to her, I know how hard it is. But in fact having a baby can make it easier for you to protect yourself- the baby is more important. Even if you struggle to protect yourself from her influence, you can protect your baby from her. It's not normal how she talks to you about this and how manipulative rather than supportive she is being.

Could you access some therapy? If you go on the BACP website you can find therapists/counsellors in your area.

Please, please protect yourself and your little baby from these people who are manipulating you. As PP have said, leave your partner off the birth certificate and you won't have to worry about what he wants or what his family think. You deserve to follow your own heart and do what's right for you and your child. They may have made you feel like it for a long time but you don't just exist to satisfy their wishes and wants - your own ones matter just as much.

You need to forget about what everyone else wants and make a decision for yourself. You have too many people meddling in this.

What decision can you live with? I am not a single parent but having a baby is hard. Having a baby with a crap partner which he is, must be even harder.

He is a rubbish father and partner. I would move into my own house regardless of the state of it.

Don’t bank on anyone’s support including that of your parents, if you get support then it’s a bonus.

Of course it's hard to have a baby, and with a crap partner - but it is also perfectly possible to get through hard times, and grow through them yourself! Even in a loving stable relationship having a baby is hard.
Imo it sounds as if it would be much MUCH harder in comparison for the OP to go through another loss of a baby! it's not as if that weren't hard!!

I had naively thought this would bring us all together as a family and that it is the perfect time to have a baby- I have a house, they are retired. But they have other ideas 😔

Tbf this is not a good reason to be having a baby, babies don't bring people together, they just highlight the cracks in the relationship.

I’ve no experience with babies and don’t have a clue about caring for them

But on the other hand this is not a good reason not to have a baby, I'd never held a baby prior to having own, but there is literally books which will tell you what the baby will be doing week by week. Other than that they just sleep, eat and cry.