36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

Have you thought about a live in au-pair/nursery nurse? I think with au-pairs that there are limits to what they are allowed to do/not do. But it’s still worth looking into

Au pairs can't care for children under 2 and they definitely can't be in sole charge overnight. They are more of a helper for older children who are semi independent but still need an adult around. You can hire night nannies but they are very expensive. I'd probably look for something like a nursing forum - nursing is a much more female heavy career and I bet there are more single mother nurses than firefighters, some of them might have an idea or experience for night shift childcare. I know somebody mentioned childminders above as well, so this is a possibility. Perhaps it would be worth scouting out local ones closer to the time (about 6-12 months before you think you'll need it) and just sending a message to all of them to see if any of them are open to the idea, and explaining you're happy to go on a waiting list.

It's good that you are thinking creatively OP. Even if it is a slim chance that anyone would go for it, at least it's an idea. You never know, it might work for someone, especially when the baby is 1+, not a newborn! I know half my NCT lot were all for having the baby have sleepovers at Granny's house from about 4 months old, and other friends who have parents nearby have certainly done this, whereas it never really occurred to me, partly because I didn't want my kids to be away, but also because neither my or any of my kids' fathers parents would have been able/willing to look after babies overnight in the first place! So it was quite eye opening to see other people do this. It is not a very MN thing to do, for some reason. But it's certainly neither harmful nor uncommon, so you may well find someone lacking a nearby grandparent who is interested in an exchange, especially if you're lucky enough to get a baby who sleeps well.

And possibly you will get to a point with your ex where he's happy to do overnights and you're happy to allow it - it's all very fraught now, but just wait and see. OK it's a long shot :o

Worst comes to worst, perhaps you could stay in the office based role for a year or two after maternity, and return to nights when LO is a bit bigger?

Oh sorry hang on, I thought I remembered from your convo with your manager that you were currently in a lower risk/office/day based role - but I think I misremembered that. But as you say, perhaps they will be flexible - the thing is, they have invested a lot in you in training and if you're good at your job, it doesn't make sense for them to make it difficult for you to do it for the sake of what is really a temporary problem. For the sake of a couple of years, they can be a bit flexible with you and retain you with your training and experience, so that you can be a fully fledged member of the team again once circumstances allow. Some companies/sectors can be stupidly short sighted about this, but hopefully the fire service would be different. Again, it's wait and see, but the fact you're already coming up with different creative solutions and it sounds like they're concerned about you as a person and not just a number, so all in all it really sounds positive and I would try and see it in a positive way.

@Nonamesavail I’m so glad it worked out for you in the end 😃 And that oh stayed and stepped up, I’m really struggling with thoughts about it being selfish to bring a child into the world where the dad clearly doesn’t want it, and the knock on effects that could have for their mental health. I’m not sure I could counter those effects

@AngelDelightUK I briefly looked into au pairs but there’s no way I could afford that on my wage. I wouldn’t need them for a full week either so it limits their working opportunities and I just don’t think it would work for me. I have looked into sitters in my area and found a few who offer overnight. It would basically be 6 nights a month on average. I now don’t feel that I can rely on ex for any help at all, and realised that even if they did stay at his overnight, there isn’t a spare bedroom for the child, so he/she would have to sleep in with his daughter if it was for the half week he has the kids, or in the room without her. I’m just feeling so sorry for my baby already, this isn’t a life. IF ex did have them at his, he/she may get a feel for family life with siblings and all ex’s extended family around, and want to be there more and not stuck with just me. No other kids to play with at mine or close grandparents. It just seems so sad. It could go horribly wrong. If my mental health drastically suffers I’ve no one really to support me who would understand, I guess I would maybe have to have phone counselling or something.

A post natal doula was recommended to me the other day, I’m going to look into the costs of that and whether I could do it, as it could be very beneficial. Aswell as a birth doula but I have absolutely no idea of price !

@BertieBotts that’s a good suggestion about the nurses and time frame for getting a minder in. I expect most will say they balance their shifts against their partners, or maybe family but I can check! It all seems a bit desperately lonely when you think about the practicalities and how much you need people around you, especially if you’re not well off and can afford all the child care costs and every other cost of raising a child. I know people do it, and there are plenty of single mums out there, but I bet there’s very few like me who don’t have family very near by, or close friends near by and so are totally alone.

Maybe I will find someone without a nearby grandparent/partner interested in sleepovers though an early shot. There’s a local NCT weekly walk for new mums/pregnant so I might meet people that way before the classes start up.

I’m not sure if staying office based would be what I would want, as it would mean 5 full days away from baby whereas at the moment i would only have 2 days away on average (plus the nights but hopefully baby would be sleeping more by then!). I did ask my HRBP where they stood on reducing or eliminating my night shifts if childcare became a huge problem, and she said they are able to make ‘reasonable’ adjustments but also have the needs of the business and linking in with the rest of the crews shifts so dropping nights is very unlikely

@Firegirl35 where abouts are you in the country? Just wondering if there’s anyone on here who would be willing to help out. I know I definitely would if you were in my neck of the woods

OP, you are overthinking and overplanning again!

Childcare issues are at least 18 months away! You will work something out nearer the time. Now is not the time to stress abut this. You've got enough to process just splitting up from your shitty BF and dealing with the house and your well-meaning but controlling parents.

Step back from all the worry about future childcare issues, and just relax and accept that things have a way of working out. Especially since you are strong and capable and will make it happen.

Plenty of kids grow up without a father. Probably about half of them! I did and my DC is. We are no worse off at all, and in some ways much better off.

You have no guarantee any future partner won't turn out to be shit, or leave, or get run over by a bus. These certainties are not there in life. Accept and deal with what has already happened rather than hypothetical fantasy ideals which may never happen.

Have some and let your mind and body relax for a day!

@BendyLikeBeckham haha Thankyou you’ve just set my mind straight! I don’t know why I do feel like I need to worry/plan things that are far in advance, I guess need to know it’s feasible and I am a worrier/over thinker by nature. Should let that go. Maybe also as part of me thinks I have to justify it to parents and have thought about every eventuality. I know it’s not good for baby to have me stressing, and I’ve been half expecting a miscarriage or missed mc due to it.. would never wish for that though and have so much sympathy for those who suffer one. Makes me feel lucky to be pregnant when I hear of it ☹️

@AngelDelightUK Thankyou you’re very kind 🙂 I’m in Kent! Doubt anyone is near. There’s no one near me on my birth group either 😫

If your parents bring up barriers, tell you you won't cope, feed their own worries and stresses into you, just tell them this:

I know you love me and want the best for me. But I am a strong and capable 35 year old and I will work things out. I'd be grateful for your support and want you to be part of your grandchild's life, but you have to let me make my own decisions. Have some faith in me that I will not only cope but thrive with motherhood. I hope you can be happy for me and be there when I need you.

@Firegirl35 We are in Kent too. I just had a baby and know there are very few groups on at the mo. Hoping it picks up once numbers go down.

Just a thought - experienced doulas can be very expensive but apparently you can sometimes get trainee doulas at a much better rate.

@BendyLikeBeckham that’s a good statement, Thankyou. I honestly feel now that they will support me- it’s not like I’ve not had time to think about my decision, it’s not been rushed thanks to work not putting pressure on me, and I’ve thought about pretty much everything on both sides (including things I have no control over), so that’s why it’s been all the harder to decide

@Raindancer411 hi fellow Kentite! (Is that what we’re called?! I’m originally from the Northwest so this area and generally better weather is new to me lol). I did think they would be closed, it’s such a challenging time to be pregnant now with covid. Everyone is suffering and missing friends and family, and when you are wanting to reach out or meet new people it feels impossible. I hope they do open soon though, or at least when I’d be due. Thing is with covid we don’t really know when we’ll be out the woods?! I’m losing track a bit now but I do worry for children’s future

@Haffdonga Thankyou for the idea!! I had a look on the official/national website and there’s actually only one doula linked to my postcode! Two more if I expand out, but none of whom are trainees. I’ll probably be asking for recommendations to resources like books/videos. I did notice a lady near me offering hypnobirthing classes don’t know enough about it yet

If you are interested in hiring a trainee doula, I would look into local doula training services and enquire directly there. Also look into any local "green" parenting type resources like breastfeeding support, home birth support, sling meets etc. You tend to find people with these interests congregate together and may know someone in training.

It sounds like you’ve made your decision to keep the little one

Hello fire girl. Thinking of you. I just get such a sense that you are pulled around by other people's opinions and emotions. I used to be like that too, but I have found a solid resting place recently inside through yoga, meditation, mindfulness. You know what you want. What you can do. Sending you strength and
love.

I would not worry about long term childcare yet. Those things have a way to sort themselves out. Also fire service is likely to support you and have policies around caring responsibilities. You will not be the first or the last firefighter who also is a single parent.
If you are considering lodgers, you could consider the idea of a houseshare with another single parent. Makes life a lot easier, no one sided dependency, less isolating etc. You will over time meet other mother's, some of which will be doing it by themselves.
My own experience was that once I had a child I actually found it easier to meet someone else because I stopped worrying about chances of having kids and subconsciously vetting anyone on whether or not they would want to start a family within my biological timescales. We have been together for 22 yrs. and ended up having a few more kids together.

How you're doing ok OP xx

Thinking of you op

Depressed. Told parents yesterday I was keeping it after they asked as I seemed like I was, it was ok really, they want me to make the decision. They didn’t look happy which was a bit sad. I had a midwife phone me a couple days ago and I have a booking in appointment for next Friday having bloods etc. I hadn’t told parents about the appointment today. Went to bed and couldn’t sleep a wink, stressing out scared, I woke my mum up and asked if she could take me to the clinic in a few hours. We talked, I went back to bed. Going back and forth feeling crazy. I text to say not to get up as I wasn’t going to go as I want it. Still didn’t sleep. When I finally did I woke up and I didn’t feel happy or relieved at the decision, I felt panic and unease. I shouldn’t feel like that. I phoned them to apologise and say I wasn’t able to go today changed my mind and even as I was saying it it didn’t feel quite right. So I’ve ended up ringing back to book in again. Then I had a text from the hospital giving me a date for my 12 week scan on 24th. I will have had a termination by then. My heart says keep, my head says no. There are too many fears for me to go through with it, I don’t think I’d cope well on my own. Even though this will also badly affect me, and I’ve asked for counselling. I feel like after the trauma of all this, I’m not going to have kids. I followed my heart when I met my ex even though my head was saying there were early red flags, and I shouldn’t have done. I almost bought a house that had damp issues as my heart fell in love with it, I pulled out and have gone for a more sensible option that will save me pain time and money in the long run. If I follow my head now it will be better in the long run. My heart might break in the meantime and I might have to switch it off and become numb and dead, that’s a worry, but it’s the lesser of two evils. Baby deserves a better life than what I can offer on my own, and a better dad than him. I also deserve to be in a partnership, and want to be. If that means I never have kids I’ll have to live with it and just have the fantasy of what could have been. I’m hurting too much by it all to even consider that in my future now. I don’t want you to feel sad for me, I will be okay. I have to grieve and live with myself afterwards. One benefit is that I will never ever have to have anything to do with my ex and his family. Once I heal I want to be able to move on from the whole thing with no looking back or ties. If I start doing things I enjoy that you can’t easily do with children it might make me feel better again about my choice. I know this is a u-turn. I’ve never been in so much emotional pain, anguish, turmoil and torment in all my life. Doesn’t help that I was so close to it being a reality- I’ve now even been assigned a midwife, I’ve following a pregnancy app on the development, taking multivitamins, bio oil, the scan picture is on my wall. I’ve really f’ed myself over. Once baby would be here there’s no putting it back if I then decided it was the “wrong” decision. So better to live with regretting what I could have had but will never know, than struggling and resenting what I have which is a totally innocent being in all of this. I was literally the only one in RL who thought I should keep it. I’m not doing it for anyone else, but maybe it Was selfish of me for wanting to, when it’s not in the best interests of so many people, the child included. I’m numb and low as I expect to be for a while. I have to switch off to protect myself from the pain. I wish I was like some women who are totally sure in their decision, even though I know there is always hurt involved in terminations. I will have to remind myself of my reasons and what I can do with myself now instead. My dad will take me and probably stay a while to keep check on me

Thankyou for your unwavering support. You are all beautiful humans

Love, it doesn't seem a coincidence that every time you tell your parents you are keeping your baby, something happens and have a massive panick and a u turn.

it's clear coming through all this that you dearly want this baby. You've worked out how you can afford this baby, you've spoken to work which are going to try to be flexible about it, and you've become excited about it.

This baby would have a great life with you from everything you've said. It would have the most important thing - love from its mum.

This is one decision where following your heart is not just acceptable, but a good idea. If we waited for things to be perfect, the world would be a much smaller place.

It's ok for a 14 year old pregnant for a ONS to keep her baby they she can't afford.

It's ok for a poor woman in rural India to keep her 8th child, even if she can't afford it.

It's ok for you, a woman with a house and a job, who can afford a child to keep it.

Termination is there as an option for those that don't want to, not a moral obligation for those who aren't wealthy.

This isn't anyone else's decision and I wouldn't be posting this if it seemed you were ok with your u turn.

Perhaps some space from your parents (please please make them go back to their house) and some independent urgent counselling is needed.

You were so excited about this, and they've pissed on your parade again.

And actually the irreversible decision is termination, bit the other way round. You could if you really wanted give the baby up for adoption of you couldn't cope, and felt it was that much of a mistake (which isn't think would happen btw) but there can be no going back from a termination. Given how you felt last time, I think you are at real risk here if you follow your parents view.

You are an adult woman. I hear your anguish, and I feel sad with you. But this is not their decision to make. Don't throw away what you want for the future based on parents which are at best overinvested and at worst abusive.

If I follow my head now it will be better in the long run

No it won’t.

I speak from experience.
I have done things that my head said yes to but my heart said no. On paper nothing could go wrong and it was the “sensible” choice.

These were the worse decisions of my life. One particular one was 18 years ago and it haunts me to this day.

My heart was screaming no and I was persuaded that if I did go with my heart it would not work out and what my head was saying to do was the best way forward.
My head was being sensible and practical.

Looking back it was the worse mistake of my life and how my life has turned out isn’t what was supposed to happen. My life crumbled on that day. I just didn’t see it until years later.

I make a point now that if my heart is telling me to do something. No matter how ridiculous. I do it. My head doesn’t see everything

Please stop talking to your parents. The disappointed looks and fake concern are the last thing you need.

If their concern was genuine they would have been behind you and happy for you when you told them you had decided on keeping their unborn grandchild.

Instead the pained looks and the worry for you is put forward as concern even though you have everything going for you.

Oh sweet, please please don't have a termination because other people in your life make it difficult, if your heart said keep it, please trust your heart on this occasion.

I am completely pro choice and its totally your decision but I just feel like you are being heavily swayed by negative people in your life.

I don’t know how much I will regret it, after all this I think it will be more of a relief. I’ve agreed with the vast majority of my parents concerns, as they are concerns I have myself too. I started posting on an online group for my birth month, and I realised that so many things I was saying were going against me. There’s only one other lady in a similar position (I know there have been many more in the past and will be in the future), but everything is stacking up against me keeping it and I’d be a fool to ignore that surely? So so many mums feel isolated, lonely, and trapped from what I’ve read, that I just don’t want to do it alone. I don’t know if I’d cope and I guess my parents know me the best with that one and it’s their concern, but take them out the equation and I admit don’t cope brilliantly with life at times, I can be prone to depression though no one would know it in public. The relentlessness of single parenthood, having no one to take up the slack if I’m having a bad day, share decision making with, share childcare and chores, not being able to have a moment to myself or go out for a walk on my own because I have no back up, I can’t imagine the impact on my mental health. I like my space and time and quiet, and having no opportunity for that for years is daunting. I know I’ve overthought most things, but maybe that’s a good thing with parenthood. Too many people don’t really give it a second thought who maybe should. I could now be learning that it’s not for me at all. I like long bike rides alone, I like to sit quietly listening to music, I like to socialise and meet people but not too much as it drains me as I’m a natural introvert who expresses as an extravert. I dont like doing certain things on my own without a partner- like organising a trip away or holiday would be really stressful for me. Sometimes I neee quiet to hear myself think. I need adult company and connection to feel truly happy. I don’t think any of that fits with being a single mum. I’m already feeling like I’ve lost who I am, with the illness and pregnancy (and lock down of course) I’ve barely left the house, aren’t making an effort and feel like a frump, not like me. But even before that, I was losing myself and my personality in my relationship as it wasn’t very healthy and I didn’t feel loved/validated so I started to go into myself. I’m concerned that maybe a baby now is more like a replacement for the love that I’ve lost, and I’m not facing up to the reality of my situation. If I keep the baby I feel like I’ve got no chance to find “me” again, nor to heal from the relationship since we will always have some form of contact however great or small. Add covid to that and I don’t know if I thought now is a good time to continue with the pregnancy as there’s not an awful lot else going on, it’s not like I will miss travel opportunities etc any time soon. But things will get back to normal (or a new normal), we will be able to meet strangers again and travel. It’s when that happens I think I will feel a loss of I have a baby on my own. I could have passed up the opportunity of meeting my life partner because I was impatient or not brave enough to have the termination. I feel like having a termination would get rid of so many stresses and worries about the future. I’ve been lucky in having company in the house at the moment, but when it’s just me alone is when I will miss and want another adult here. Who would honestly want to live with a mum and her infant? I just can’t continue the pregnancy with a satisfactory amount of confidence that it will be okay.

I honestly don’t know how you’re going to forgive your parents for their lack of support if you terminate. That would really worry me and if I were your mother I’d be scared to death.

I dont think listening to your parents is the easy way out and you will be left with resent. With a baby, you don't get that.