36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

hahaha Oh, god, yeah, the teen years. I have no doubt they will bankrupt us with their new £200 trainers and Playstations. But that's 13 years away. By that time who know's where your life will be. Don't discount the idea of a new partner. Or a better paid job.

If you love fitness, get a bit of extra income running mum and baby gym/yoga/dance classes? They are so popular. Check it out. Look where your talent's/expertise lies and capitalise on it. Fire safety classes for Parent's and children? Plenty sign up for first aid classes and that's just as important.

But all that aside, you can do this. Don't let your Debbie-downer parent's take the magic out of your pregnancy. You'll do fabulously! Kid's don't need Disney. Blackpool is just as spectacular to a little one. Trust me. I've done both and I know which i'd prefer.

@Coolerthanapolarbearstoenails that’s reassuring to know there’s someone else in a similar position! So it’s doable, will the father be involved with yours? Its not true to say I don’t want the baby anymore, I know I’ve gone back and forth frustrating myself as much as anyone else including my parents and mumsnet! I guess I’m just scared of the unknown, of the financial side, being alone without a partner (not necessarily the baby daddy, just an adult relationship), coping with the relentlessness of it, sleep deprivation and body changes as I have body image problems. But I do know that all women have to face a lot of these things in one way or another.
You’re right maybe it would open different doors in future

@hotsouple I’m not sure he will be in its life anyway tbh... Nor how bad his sperm is!

@PatsyStone39 haha I’m actually originally from not far from Blackpool! So that would definitely be happening in future!

Good idea re the fitness classes etc.. I have looked into PT I previous years and know I would need qualifications so that’s the only thing with that is the expense, but maybe I could find it in future. Unfortunately the fire service don’t allow us to work any second job that is remotely associated to our main job as it’s classed as conflict of interests, which puzzles me since there would be a common interest of keeping people safe! Great idea though

P.S. There is no ride more terrifying than the Crazy Mouse at Blackpool Pleasure Beach!! I swear my brother and I used to come off the tracks on the corners!! 😂

Oh, and Babyboomtastic is right. Having my son is the best thing i have ever done. No job, no house, no anything compares to him. If it was just him and I living in a cardboard box eating from a bin, i'd be happy as a pig in shit, because he's there.

He's in bed right now, and I've spent all day playing with him, but still i'm watching him sleep next door, through an app on my phone. He's angelic. And tomorrow when he wakes up, he'll shout on me. I'll groan because i don't want to get up, but I will, and he'll give me the biggest smile when I walk in and he'll say "mama. He'll put his arms up for a cuddle and he'll snuggle into my neck for a little bit. It's moments like that that are priceless. Yes, he'll be a pain in the arse shortly after. He'll put his cars in my coffee, he'll cry because Netflix will ask if he's still watching paw patrol and in the ten seconds it takes me to notice, he'll have a tantrum. Today he put his hand in his nappy after he had a poo then sniffed his fingers. Then tried to make me sniff them too. I almost sold him on ebay...

But, God, I love him. Shitty fingers and all. lol

I was/am bulimic. I was hospitalised a while ago.

Honestly I've put on a shit ton of weight but I'm not finding it has hard to deal with as expected. This babes health is more important than my control or vanity. I've calmed down a lot of food and my image since becoming pregnant.

The dad will be involved but we will see. I'm prepared for it to go either way and am honestly not giving it much thought. We'll/I'll play it day by day until he (it's a boy!) is old enough to be without me for a few hours etc.

I do understand what you mean re adult company but you seem fixed on the fact this isn't going to be a traditional family unit. My partner died 18 months ago and I had a misguided lockdown fling which led me to getting pregnant. Nothing works out how you think it will. You have no idea what will happen in the future - good or bad.

I'm very exited about my new chapter with my son.

I am sitting here watching my nearly 8 month old sleep and I wouldn't really want to be without her. They fill a void you never knew you had and you will do anything for them.

It doesn't cost us £500 a month. You can get really cheap nappies and you can get cheap second hand clothes (as babies they really don't stay in them long)

Please don't let anyone tell you want to do... if you want this baby, have this baby. Until they are here you really don't know what you are capable of, and it surprises you :) x

haha That ride is the devil! It's about 200 years old. I don't know how health and safety can still let it still run. lol

It's funny, we are in Brighton at the moment (i'm from Scotland) and swithering between buying in Blackpool or somewhere in Kent! We change our minds every day. But when this damn lockdown is over, if you ever fancy a friendly coffee, i'm available. I don't have any friends down here either.

@PatsyStone39 your post made me laugh out loud- the shitty fingers!!! 😱🤣🤣🤣 Sounds like I would go on a bit of a journey to say the least and an emotional whirlwind every day but filled with love ❤️ And poop 😂

@Coolerthanapolarbearstoenails we have quite a lot in common then, I had anorexia then bulimia for about 6 years, and though I’ve been “recovered” for the last ten, the body hatred when I put on weight can still be there (I’m a healthy weight now of course, and wouldn’t be able to do my job if I wasn’t physically fit, healthy and strong). It’s just the postpartum that worries me and it causing a relapse or depression right when my baby needs me most. I know seeking counselling is going to be a good idea to accept my new body
I’m so sorry to hear about your partners untimely death, that is very sad indeed. I think this baby will be your new love, I also have a gut feeling I’m having a boy (hope it doesn’t look like his dad!) and I also did gender questionnaires where the questions are meant to be based on science/studies and they also said boy lol. It’s not so much the not doing it in a family unit that is the blockage for me with that, as I kind of always thought I would do parenthood/family in an unconventional way anyway (most things I do in life tend to be, so I’d started looking at co parenting and fostering), it’s more the thought of missing out on a partner and romance for years. For me, not for baby. I know I’ll be too busy/tired to even be thinking about seriously trying to embark on that in first few (?!) years, but that won’t necessarily stop me missing it, or when I do try that anyone would be interested. Yet i AM of an age where many people have kids my age, so if I get ruled out because of that that’s their loss and how unrealistic are they?!
I’m glad you’re excited 😁😁😁

@Raindancer411 Thankyou, I’ve heard several times that the Aldi nappies are really good, so I’d definitely be getting those, and second hand clothes. I just came across a subscription service for a toy exchange, where you pay a set amount every month and when they tire of the toys you can send them off to get swapped and order new ones. Thought that sounded like a really good idea, though need to check reviews and fees. Thankyou

@PatsyStone39 aww absolutely I would! And regardless of where you end up I could do that, since I live in Kent and parents are about 40 minutes away from Blackpool! 😆 I must say though re the two, the weather is soooo much better down here! And I’m on the coast too, so you have the beach for raising children on. Blackpool has the Sandy beaches though but not the sun!!

Bythemillpond it’s sort of reassuring in a way to know that someone else recognises a bit about what’s going on with parents, im glad you managed to break free takes guts

The day I broke free was like the first day of the rest of my life. The weight around me lifted and I knew what ever happened was down to me. Whilst you might not want to go completely non contact you do need to ignore your parents when they are just wanting you to do what they want.

You mention about reading forums where people are struggling with children.

I think you do need a bit of critical thinking. The only people who usually post on these forums are those that are struggling.
If you are really happy and find it all really easy the chances are you aren’t posting on these type of forums saying how easy it is.
Both mine slept through the night from 9-10 weeks. After that, till they were sitting up and moving around it was really easy. The toddler years I had to have eyes in the back of my head but we had the best time. Every weekend and a lot of evenings were spent running around a local theme park and going on the rides or going for walks in the countryside or 1001 other fun things.
All on my own with both children, 2 under 2s.

Do you ever see on these forums how great having children is and how fun it is and how easy it can be?

£500 per month is a ludicrous amount of money each month. When they are young they are as costly as you make it.
If you are dressing them in designer outfits and doing your shopping at Harrods then it is going to be expensive. If you are looking at Primark sleep-suits and Aldi nappies then it is going to be a tiny fraction of that.

If anything with shops like Aldi and Lidl and places like Primark or EBay, Facebook market place for clothing toys and equipment I would say children have got a lot cheaper to clothe and feed
When mine were younger we had Mothercare which was expensive.

lol Whirlwind is definitely what it is. But for the most part, it is wonderful. You only read the bad stuff online, when mum's come on to rant when they're frazzled. I had fertility treatment for 4 years, so clearly wanted a child, but when I was 12 weeks pregnant, i read a thread on here called something along the lines of "I hate being a mum" and it filled me with absolute dread. I thought I had signed myself up for a lifetime of misery. I haven't. Neither have you.

The lack of sun is the one thing putting me off the Fylde coast. Housing costs make me so excited, then i remember the wind that comes off the Irish sea and it makes me sad. lol There's a few new house come up on rightmove today with snow in the garden. Hell no! haha We are so spoiled down here in Costa Del England.

I saw a house in Kent for sale today that was owned by Edith Nesbit, the children's author. She wrote the railway children etc. It's magical. Just like you'd imagine someone like her to live in. Here it is, if you fancy a wee distraction from babies and parent's.

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/92190755#/

But, yeah, we are looking everywhere, from Dartford to Dover. You can maybe tell me where to avoid!! lol

Try Folkestone, Hythe, and Deal, all lovely places on the coast of Kent for families! I wouldn’t personally go anywhere near the Medway towns as there are more dodgy areas and it’s just not got a nice feel to it imo, but you only know when you go!

@PatsyStone39 wow, do they like wooden cladding in that house much?! Every room looks like a sauna 😂 But it does have lovely potential and history!
@Bythemillpond yes you are right I suppose the posts will be skewed towards those who struggle, I’m just assuming most if not all people do struggle- certainly all single first time mums. I’ve had zero experience around babies so it will be a massive learning curve- I know nothing about feeding, routines, colic, how to sooth baby how to hold/change/wash them. I will be googling every little sniffle wondering if it’s normal or are they ill!

I've seen one in Hythe i like a lot. And I definitely want coastal. I had never lived by the sea until we moved to Brighton and I love it. I just don't love the cost of houses here. Even Central London is cheaper at the moment, which is unheard of.

Sorry, I am totally derailing your thread by going all Kirstie Allsopp on you. lol

I hope you're leaning towards keeping the little one. But ultimately the decision is yours. None of us or your parents should get that choice.

Do you have another appointment with the clinic?

haha I know, i thought it looked a bit Swedish sauna, too. It's so 70's lol But some crazy literature/history buff will come along and love it, i hope.

That’s ok lol! Hythe is really nice, I lived there for three months and it’s just down the road from me. I am leaning to keep, I have an appointment booked tomorrow though probably hence why I’ve been sat in a cold bath on mumsnet for two hours LOL 🙈

hahaha Enjoy every second of it! Baths are a great therapy. And one day soon, you'll be sharing it with a couple of wee rubber ducks, and boats and dinosaurs, and bubble baths that turn to gel. lol It's great fun.

I'm glad you're leaning towards keeping it. I don't think you'll regret it for a second.

I’ve had zero experience around babies so it will be a massive learning curve- I know nothing about feeding, routines, colic, how to sooth baby how to hold/change/wash them. I will be googling every little sniffle wondering if it’s normal or are they ill

I too hadn't a clue either but as long as you can figure out a nappy and a sleep suit then it sort of falls into place and if all else fails there is always YouTube or Mumsnet and the internet.

I honestly wouldn't worry too much about lab of future romance. It might take a backseat for a year or two, but in the mum groups in a part of (and single mum friends I know), they don't seem to have a problem finding guys. Seriously, they date, have relationships, have FWB. You will have sex again!

And at least you won't scare off any guys by being in your late 30s and wanting children, as you'll have one already!

That’s a good point! No I wouldn’t be begging them for a child!!

@Firegirl35

You’re going to be ok. Your last few posts seem a bit lighter. When you talk about the baby I can sense warmth and anticipation in your words. Don’t let overthinking or fear of the unknown deter you. You’ve heard from so many mums who can assure you that things with kids usually work themselves out and fall into place and you just can’t predict the future. I’m 38 and sometimes I still can’t believe I’ve managed to raise 4 amazing little humans who are now teens and a toddler. It feels surreal and yes sometimes I’ve felt massively overwhelmed of course but I can’t adequately describe the immense unconditional love I have for them. I didn’t have a clue about kids until I had one at 22 and I had to figure it all out. Being a mum is like 99% trusting your intuition and winging it lol.

Best of luck for tomorrow although I’m hoping you won’t be needing to keep that appointment. Xx

We've hardly paid for any toys! People give stuff away when their kids grow out of it because it's annoying to have cluttering up the house. I'd defo check your local marketplace, charity shops, buy nothing groups etc.

I agree with the above comment. Was the same with me, I was given have so many clothes through gifts or just second hand as people wanted rid and I need some. Same with toys. Charity shops and market place have saved me loads too. A lot of it is only worn/used/played with for such a short time. Tbh my 10 month old DS spend all of yesterday sat in a wash basket with a wooden spoon, rubber whisk, plastic cup and a plastic plate. His choice when I removed him he cried so back he went. Isn’t bothered about the Xmas toys.. just wants to play with my kitchen utensils. Try not to think too much of the far future. Good luck with your decision. Only you can make it. X

OP you live near me by the sounds of it, and I could really help you out with baby bits.