36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

@Firegirl35
I was in a very similar position to you. My gut reaction when I found out I was pregnant was to keep it. My ex didn't want it and actually said the words "if you keep it I'll have nothing to do with you or the baby". I had to think through all my options and booked a GP appointment to talk it over. I was in there for about half an hour and the last thing the GP said to me was "don't ask yourself if you can live with a baby. Ask yourself if you can live without this one".
Ex was true to his word, but nearly 16 years later I'm married to someone else and I have another child. You can do this x

@Firegirl35
Just read my post back - to make it clear I did keep the baby

Forget about him. Do you want this baby?

He's got a bit of a cheek saying "you'd have a baby with someone you've only known 5 months" when he's moved you, you've met his kids pretty quick and he's happy to move his kids in to your house when he's ready. Honestly I've done it alone. It was quite blissful. I had a stress free pregnancy, a lovely birth with my.mum there and no drama. My son's dad later came back a few months after he was born and he is an amazing dad. I was 27. Things wil all work out. Sending you hugs! It's a really tough decision. There is a great page on FB called geriatric mamas.. now I'm certainly not saying you are old. I'm on it at 35 (36 this year) as there are some great experiences on there. I am 50/50 about another as I'm the same age as you but honestly it's not old! 💜💙💜💙

Forget him, forget your parents and to a point, forget the worries in your head. Most mothers have a freak out when they realise they are pregnant - omg, what have I done, goodbye freedom, what if I don’t cope?! Etc. Even with planned pregnancies you get those fears and doubts and worries.
Can you live without having this baby? Parenting is HARD but if I had a choice I’d never go back to the way I was before my children. Yes some days are a struggle and some days I’m knackered but honestly, they’re worth it. And I don’t miss the old version of me at all. I’m not trying to sway you, but I feel you are letting your worries get the better of you.

My worries might be getting the better of me now, but how will I cope alone without a significant other as equally invested in that child as me? I’m going to worry about absolutely everything, and unlike partnered parents, I’ll have no one to double check things with. I wish I hadn’t educated myself so much about parenthood now! My mum went into it naive- even childbirth she didn’t go to a single antenatal class- so she had a bit of a shock I think lol. If I’m this worried about things now, I can’t begin to imagine how much worse it will be when they are here- are they crying too much, are they ill, am I feeding them enough, is that nursery good enough, am I playing too much,too little, are they happy and healthy, are they stimulated, is the fathers absence having a detrimental impact on them, am I good enough on my own, will I ever have someone by my side, how do I deal with the tantrums, behaviour problems, mental health problems, illnesses. I don’t want sole responsibility for all of that- it seems like an awful lot?

There's something about the way you post, the dithering, the bringing up trivial points one way or the other, the reliance on other's opinions who quite clearly don't have your best interests at heart (not to say that they don't care about you, they may have what they think are your best interests at heart, but they actually don't seem to know you at all), the lack of confidence in yourself, the seeming lack of insight into consequences of your previous decisions, it all results in posters taking a very paternalistic approach and trying to tell you what to do, And I guess that this is what happens in real life too? I'm guessing that there's something about how you've told your parents that leads them to trying to solve this for you, and offering their opinion, which suits them and their version of you, but maybe not actually you. It really might be worth trying to explore this in counselling? Like many posters have said, you come across as very young, and that in itself may guide people's responses? I think the truth is that if you abort this baby, for the reasons that you've given, then you won't ever have children. Because you're not going to be able to change these factors in time, and you don't need to. All of your points for or against are easily disputable. You have no real reason to have or not have this baby, there is no correct answer, both outcomes are fine objectively, but it's you that has to live with your decision. Your father obviously doesn't think you should have children, as he didn't want them. So there aren't any circumstances that he's going to be happy for you to be pregnant, not now, not ever. You're not going to get a new career, or magically make more money. You don't need to, many people happily get by on less. You just have to choose what you want, choose the life you want, don't try to justify it to anyone else,

My worries might be getting the better of me now, but how will I cope alone without a significant other as equally invested in that child as me? I’m going to worry about absolutely everything, and unlike partnered parents, I’ll have no one to double check things with

Why do you think partnered parents have someone to hand control over to or ask if something is right or not. You do realise that the partnered parents go to work and are not there all day.
Even when they are I would think a good percentage are either just as scared and clueless as you or are completely disinterested and useless
My husband was around for a week after I gave birth to my eldest then he went back to work which meant he wasn’t on the same continent for 2 or 3 weeks in every 4 and to be honest when he was back he was a nuisance and not a help.
I think being a single parent looked very tempting.

Yes it is scary and you question how you will cope. But even those with perfect relationships and planned pregnancies go through this. If everyone rushed to get an abortion if they questioned how they would cope then the world population would die out quite quickly

All those things you would worry about even if you did have a partner. It doesn't always make things easier, especially when they only want their Mum for EVERYTHING!

Dear OP,

I have only read your updates and not the full thread. You are so much braver than you realise and you are really doing SO WELL to be the sole advocate for the life of your unborn little one against all the voices of your parents and ex. Please listen to your gut. Yes there will be hard times, but there will also be SO MUCH JOY!

I have been in this situation (different circumstances but my situation is now aged 3 and asleep in her room!). I have felt the inescapable and crushing fear you feel and my heart breaks for you and the situation you are in. But please. listen to your gut and your instincts. Your love for your little one will be enough. Is it the ideal scenario? No. But love conquers ALL

@Firegirl35

I think the relief you will feel will be from not having to deal with the drama and lack of support from those around you - not necessarily from ending the pregnancy.

But when the dust settles and everyone buggers off, how will you feel? You’ve spoken fondly about your baby, you have the scan on your wall. All the fears and worries you mention are valid yet also not insurmountable or unusual. Yes having a partner around can help but mums usually end up doing most of the parenting either way. This decision is totally irreversible and totally up to you and no one else.

When I fell pregnant with my second baby I had a 1 yr old with special needs and seizures. He was desperately ill and in and out of hospital. My husband and I had both lost our jobs due to having to care for him. It was the worst possible thing on the planet to fall pregnant and I was fully intent on terminating. The whole universe and my head suggested I should - but I listened to my heart. That baby is now my 13 yr old daughter and although I don’t have a favourite child she comes very close because I remember how close I came to not having her. By all means I am not trying to romanticise parenting etc (I’ve also had 2 terminations) but just saying that in some cases it’s good to listen to your heart.

I really hope you can find some peace in whatever decision you make because I really worry about the aftermath of this for you.

Dump him, have the baby, don't put him on the birth certificate

This is good advice.

He sounds like a dick.

If you want this baby, do it without him. It's easier alone than with a dick for a father.

Look - if you had just one person in real life to shake you by the shoulders, hold your hand and say come on let’s do this and I’ll be there to help - would you keep the baby? Would that at least make things easier? Do you think you could cope?

Because if so then I would really think carefully about terminating because although you may not have that person in front of you in real life, that person may yet show up in a form you’re not expecting. Whether a friend, a new partner or even your parents as impossible as it may seem. And I know it’s not the same thing but you sure have a lot of strangers on mumsnet who are rooting for you!

Remember - the only person who needs to WANT this baby is you. Not another soul matters.

It is totally up to you
I will give my experience which is I was basically blackmailed by my parents into a termination, I ended up needing over 6 months of counselling and our relationship never recovered. Honestly? If I could go back I wouldn't have terminated. And I think for me that was my chance, I'm 36 now

One thing someone told me is flip a coin, because you will always know what you want it to land on and it's a way of seeing what your heart is telling you, what you are praying for it to land on

@Bythemillpond

My worries might be getting the better of me now, but how will I cope alone without a significant other as equally invested in that child as me? I’m going to worry about absolutely everything, and unlike partnered parents, I’ll have no one to double check things with

Why do you think partnered parents have someone to hand control over to or ask if something is right or not. You do realise that the partnered parents go to work and are not there all day.
Even when they are I would think a good percentage are either just as scared and clueless as you or are completely disinterested and useless
My husband was around for a week after I gave birth to my eldest then he went back to work which meant he wasn’t on the same continent for 2 or 3 weeks in every 4 and to be honest when he was back he was a nuisance and not a help.
I think being a single parent looked very tempting.

Yes it is scary and you question how you will cope. But even those with perfect relationships and planned pregnancies go through this. If everyone rushed to get an abortion if they questioned how they would cope then the world population would die out quite quickly

this , for the 8 months i stayed with him until i left i had to get on with it , my ex frequently went out with his mates in the eves and i was left with her , it was me up when she cried with colic in the night , me that got up to feed and settle her about 3 times a night once the colic wore off . me that had to sit for ages getting her to sleep , once i left him and was on my own with her there really was no difference !

Oh op, I really worry that you will regret a termination

You’ve got the scan picture on your wall. This tells you everything you need to know. You want this baby

Every reason not to have the baby or worry you have for the further is experienced by the majority of mothers. It is so normal to worry this way...it’s what mothers do. Constantly worry about our children

And I echo what PP have said about partnered parents. I’ve got a hands on husband when he’s not working, however all of the mental side of childcare still falls to me mainly because I spend all my time with them and naturally know what they need. I’m the one who worries that they’re eating properly, having enough educational play, speaking enough etc. In the early days it was me worried about feeding enough, what the cries meant etc. It’s just the way it is for most mothers, partnered or not.

I’m 100% pro choice, but I’d hate for you to make a decision based off other peoples wants not your own.

I feel like you believe it’s what you want, because you want all the nitpicking to stop and that’s the way to make it happen

But all the other people don’t have to live with the decisions. You do.

Can you live with not having a child? Because that might be what happens

*future not further

What PP say rings very true for me too. I'm in a long term stable relationship and yet my partner is not nearly as invested in our child as me. Of course he helps but really I'm the one who takes on all the responsibility you talk about. It's something about mothers - and you get used to it and cherish it in time! - regardless of relationship status. Please don't worry With a baby you naturally learn to take it one day at a time, respond to what's happening in each moment. It's impossible to plan it all ahead, that's when it seems overwhelming but in reality taking things day by day, even hour by hour it's all fine.

A lot of what you are stressing about or feeling like you are going to miss out on is everything that even those that have planned everything down to the fine detail think and panic about.
You don’t think people don’t panic that they will never have any alone time ever again or they aren’t going to cope or they can never just throw a bag in the back of the car and go off hiking in the Andes or just go on a bike ride again.
This is all perfectly normal and not a reason to go off and have an abortion.

When you give birth what you get in return is something that will make you laugh and cry the hardest you can ever imagine. It is the hardest you will work for the least and the most return. And you won’t care that you are never going to be alone for at least the next 18 years. You might wish for 5 minutes peace and quiet sometimes but when they do eventually move out you will want them to stay.
In the meantime you will start to date again and find someone who will be your life partner.

Why wouldn’t you meet your life partner if you have a child.
As I said having a baby was what introduced my friend to her life partner.
If anything the friends who were single parents have in round about ways met their current partners through their children.
If anything it looks like having children opens up a whole world of men who you can relate to because they too have children the same age as yours or been through the different life stages. It is a really good icebreaker.

You mentioned following your heart and it didn’t work out with your ex.
I think it was your heart that was warning you but you are so used to giving in and doing what others tell you to do that it was your head that was overruling your heart.
Your head expects to be treated a certain way and your ex was just treating you the way your parents have always treated you.

You seem to believe everything anybody tells even though it is nonsense. It is as though if someone acts concerned and talks to you about their fears for you then what they say is right and their advice should be immediately followed regardless. Even if they are talking rubbish. There isn’t any analysis of what they say.

I think if you did have an abortion you would not only miss out on a life that is unwritten but you will go through this life doing the same things over and over until you finally wake up from the hold people have over you and then I think it will hit you the amount you have missed out.

Just to add one of my friends is a single parent to 4 children by 2 different fathers. Her forever partner is a single parent father to 5 children.
They had a nightmare trying to find a house big enough for them.

Even with children it didn’t stop my friend finding not only husband number 2 but also husband number 3.

Thankyou

I’ve been reading all the messages but going quiet for a day or two to collect my thoughts. Will post again xx

Just what ever you do. Don’t talk to your parents

I’m worried about you OP, you sounded so certain before and I can’t help thinking it’s your parents thoughts projecting over to you.

Your parents won’t be around forever, but a child would be. Sod the ex, sod everyone else, and be selfish for a bit. Some dads are useless and wouldn’t step up to the things you’re looking for, and then would be easier to do it all on your own than trying to rely on someone else.

If you really want to terminate, then do. But if you deep down don’t want to them don’t. That would affect your mental health more than being alone with a baby. Plus, you’ll make adult friends with other mums in the area, so you can still go out and about walking etc

Op....do what you know you will least regret, no matter how it might be in The interim years to deal with whatever the consequences are. The stupid fuck should've worn extra protection if he was so worried, but no, it's the woman's fault again as usual.

I’m going to go against the grain here. I’ve got a newborn (and older child) and it is so hard. OP - you sound so young, and overly reliant on others’ opinions (including your parents and people on this thread). Keeping the baby is going to require real strength - physical, mental and emotional- every day for the rest of your life. Do you honestly feel you have that? If yes then you don’t need other people to tell you what to do.