36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

OP no one can make this choice for you. My advice is however don’t do this if you really aren’t 100% on an abortion. Please just be very careful. I had one 7 years ago and was sure of it at the time; i have still always regretted it in some way. It messed me up for years too. I do have a little boy now and even though it is incredibly hard he is worth everything. Financially - if not all ready looked into it - you maybe able to claim child tax credits etc and in terms of childcare the government offer a tax free scheme etc which helps with like 20% of the costs. Good luck OP with your choice. Please only make this decision for yourself though and no one else. It is you who will have to deal with the physical and emotional side either way Xx

@FolkSongSweet

I’m going to go against the grain here. I’ve got a newborn (and older child) and it is so hard. OP - you sound so young, and overly reliant on others’ opinions (including your parents and people on this thread). Keeping the baby is going to require real strength - physical, mental and emotional- every day for the rest of your life. Do you honestly feel you have that? If yes then you don’t need other people to tell you what to do.

You develop that strength through having a baby, though! I don't think anyone could develop it without being in the actual situation, like as preparation beforehand. It's having the actual baby that naturally changes you.

@lalalalands having a baby isn’t always the right thing to do. My point was that the OP has to make up her own mind. The tone of all of her posts is of someone who just wants to be told what to do. It doesn’t work like that.

And pps saying they’ve had abortions and regretted it, or had abortions and didn’t regret it, are all irrelevant.

My mum text me last night saying do you know what you’re doing on Friday? I was mad at her as it’s only been 24 hours since the time I didn’t go, and I felt she was putting me under pressure and being impatient just because she couldn’t sleep. Today I’ve had an hour call with occupational health who took away some fears for work after either outcome, but there was a Massive atmosphere in the house and my dad was being off and quiet with me. Mum said if you can detect an atmosphere (er,yes!) and wonder what it is, your dad won’t say but he’s said this morning she’s not going to cope with this house and a baby.

I literally feel like there’s nothing in life I’m capable of or can do well. I’m absolutely heart broken about the situation I’m in, losing my ex and kids, and parents obvious in confidence in me. I’ve just parked up opposite the seafront on my own to have a cry. I can’t imagine what life will be like after a termination living on my own, how low I’m going to get not being able to go see my friends for support and love. I’m hurting so much. I know it will be better in a year or two, life will be so different again in the world hopefully. But everything is very dark now. I’m crying for everything I’ve lost, and I can’t see anything I’ve gained or could gain. I’m just so lonely. Ex hasn’t text since he brought last of his things a few days ago and I’ve been strong and not text him. Have since found a pair of his leather gloves and got upset again. I’ve gone for a drive today alone and so many memories come back it’s really hard to deal with. I don’t know why I’m posting

Keep posting OP. We are here for you. Your not alone so keep telling us how you feel. Sending hugs x

I literally feel like there’s nothing in life I’m capable of or can do well

What you mean is there is nothing in life that YOUR PARENTS think you are capable of and there will be nothing in life your parents will think that you are ever capable of. Some parents are like that
My dad walked out when I was very young and never once asked to see me ever.
To be perfectly honest it didn’t bother me. I see where your parents are coming from as my mother was someone who was constantly disappointed in my choices and said I was incapable of doing everything I wanted to do if it wasn’t her choice. I recognise your parents dialogue.
I fortunately realised when I much younger than you and too late to change a lot of things in my life. When I finally stopped listening, it took a few years to realise how much I was capable of and how far I had come without her opinion.

Doesn’t the fact your parents think you can’t do anything reflect badly on their parenting

You are 36 this year and it is time to cut the chord. Why have you got them staying with you? Constantly damaging your self esteem by dripping this poison into your ear so you do as they want.
If your parents can’t say anything positive then they should leave so you can find out what you are really capable of.

No one knows what they can or can’t do in hypothetical situations until you are in them.

We who have children can tell you whether with or without a partner it is hard work. In a lot of situations having a partner is just more hard work. I used to breathe a sigh of relief when I waved my partner off to the airport because I could achieve so much more without him in the house. The children had a routine and I had my evenings to myself when they were tucked up in bed. It was bliss.

I think your misery is compounded by the fact you are a planner and at the moment you can’t plan anything because you have 2 people living with you that won’t let you plan your life unless it is something they want you to do.

Even if your parents left today it is going to be a bit of time to get them out of your head to think about what you want and what you feel.

I am absolutely appalled by their behaviour.

They are not supporting you they are undermining you.

Your parents are manipulative beyond belief! It’s so infuriating. Why do you put up with it? Look at how they’ve completely destroyed your self confidence? And I’m speaking as someone who has toxic parents myself... I let their opinions run my life for YEARS but thank god I woke up and realised my self worth and brute strength and now have a perfectly good relationship with both of them, because I finally put them in their place.

Please send your parents home for the love of god...

You could gain your baby, OP!
You will see how strong and capable you are!

Also, why the heck do your parents have such a shockingly low opinion of you? It’s rather distressing actually. “She can’t cope, she can’t do anything” They are so full of shit, excuse me for saying it. They want you to NEED them. And have literally conditioned you to believe that you need them and their approval for everything. It’s them who need therapy!

Prove them wrong! Do what’s right for you.

Op, your parent's are infantilising you. In the kindest possible way...get them to fuck and stand up for what you want! It's so evident from the majority of your posts that you want this baby.

There are teenagers who have kids with no support and it's the making of them. This could very well be the best thing you'll ever do. And, perhaps, it may be the one thing that eventually make your parent's proud of you. Let them see you aren't a kid who needs wrapped in cotton wool. Show them the strong, capable woman who us strangers on the internet see! And if they can't see it...it's their loss. Let them be a pair of miserable bastards together, and you and your little'un go and have the most incredible life without any outside negativity.

I've had a baby with a supportive partner and one with an unsupportive partner who I left.

The lack of a partner was not the hard part! You absolutely don't need that to cope. It is nice to have but it's not an essential.

What I find interesting is your career choice. It's like the biggest two fingers up to your parents you could possibly do. Like you're subconsciously saying "screw your mum and dad! I AM capable! I can do ANYTHING! I can SAVE PEOPLE FROM FIRES!"

Forgive me if I'm projecting myself here.

But it does seem like a large part of you internalises your parents's infantilisation, while an equally large part of you really kicks against it. It's like a raging internal battle. Kind of like the battle you are having now between the part of you that thinks you can't cope alone and need the approval of your parents and your ex, plus the perfect relationship, vs the part of you that wants the baby, has researched all your options and has already made a financial spreadsheet to prove it's possible...

Just a thought. Is it time to let the kick-ass in you win?

Really agree with pps saying that we are never ready for the challenge before it happens - it's the challenge itself that makes you rise to it. Brene Brown did a Ted talk about vulnerability that is on a similar subject - it's not bravery if you already know you can do it. It's real bravery when you feel the fear and do it anyway.

♥️♥️♥️🔥🔥🔥

You will find if you stick around on the month groups that a huge proportion of partners are not emotionally invested in the children. It's mind boggling tbh because to us they are the most incredibly precious thing, but a lot of men simply don't engage on that level. But in any case. It's not a rarity to go without that. An astonishing amount of male partners are less than supportive. You're actually in a relative position of power by being aware you're in this on your own from the start. It's absolutely doable.

You girls are amazing. I’m still thinking and researching, I’m on the apps Mush and Peanut and just reading all about the struggle from birth till and including toddlers, lots of people struggling whether single or not. I know covid can’t help. Just bringing to the fore the relentlessness of motherhood and how it never ever stops. Women who only get ten minutes a day to themselves type of thing. I need to know the reality but had I not already looked into all this already I think I’d have a few kids by now! Also looked at my money situation again, I’d have to count every penny and I’d have £100-200 to spend on child every month (whether that’s nappies, toys, clothes, birthday parties, days out, entertainment, technology, driving lessons, holiday..!)
Anyone managed on that?

I read a few articles on how much money it costs to raise a child, and they converged to say the average is £500 a month

It’s very unlikely that I will ever earn more than I do in my current job, and if I ended up not being able to return to operational duties (eg not being able to get my fitness back, or having a complete change of mind being in a dangerous job whilst a mum), I would probably be in a job that was several thousand pounds less per year

If one day I could get a lodger in that would cover Christmas presents and maybe a holiday. Not sure how to get the £5k shortfall in my maternity leave yet.. it would take renting my spareroom out for a year and no one will want to move in with a tiny baby. The room will be ready in two months when I would be 5 months gone

With the greatest respect that is absolute bollocks, I don't even have 500 a month left over let alone to spend on my child. Like anything in life you just make it work and live within your means.

I think you are overthinking things massively but you know that

@KylieKangaroo LOL 😂 Me, an over thinker?! 🤣 Whatever gave you that impression 🤔😅

@Doughnut100 that is such an interesting observation! And may well be true lol. Dad could never get his head around me carrying heavy weights/equipment and that I could be strong enough for it, I trained hard and proved everyone wrong, I was the underdog on my recruit course, 5’4 female with no previous relevant experience and straight out a PhD.

@BertieBotts again, another interesting point and way to look at things re:partners support. @PatsyStone39 and @ChickaboomZoom Thankyou and I don’t know why they think that of me, other than in my late teens early 20s I suffered with mental health problems, maybe they can’t shake that. Dad is prone to depression too. @Bythemillpond it’s sort of reassuring in a way to know that someone else recognises a bit about what’s going on with parents, im glad you managed to break free takes guts

I have a two year old and in all the time he's been in the world, i don't think i've ever spent that much a month on him...not even at xmas!

You get the occasional month where you realise your kid has had a growth spurt and nothing fits any longer, so you need to splash out on new clothes. But you could get an entire wardrobe from places like next and Zara kids for £100.

And as for toys. They need so little initially. Even at 2, my son does not need half the things he has. In fact, he's a bit like a cat, in that he'd rather play with the box than the thing that was in it! Pots, pans and a spoon make a great drum kit. Flour and water to make playdoh. Kids are as cheap or as expensive as you make them!

Aldi does the best nappies in my opinion. And they are cheaper than most other brands.

He eats what we eat. So very little extra expense on food.

It's not the drain on funds you think it is.

You don't know what you'd gain from all this?

How about seeing a giant smile when you wake up, with someone shouting 'mama' when you walk in their room?

Or your baby grabbing your own hand, tugging it round them and sighing with happiness.

Or your toddler grabbing two cuddly toys, calling one of them mama and one them, and making them kiss.

Kids are relentless and at times frustrating, but they are also the biggest joy and satisfaction of my life.

There's a reason people come back for more of them, and it isn't the sleepless nights, it's the joy they can bring.

Oh that’s so lovely babyboom!!! 🥲😫

Pastystone my parents seem to think they cost a fortune! But maybe that’s because I cost them a fortune and I’ve never gone without anything so I’ve always been very lucky in that sense, nice holidays abroad, Disney a few times etc. I know that type of thing would be off the cards.. but if they don’t cost as much when little maybe I could save up a little a month for something nice when they are older. I just don’t want them to go without. Someone in an articulate mentioned things like driving lessons and laptops for teenagers and I thought shit! That’s not in my budget LOL. They would have to get a job 😅

*article

Op,

I'm 31 in a few days and am 4 months pregnant by someone I am not in a relationship with.

I'm purchasing a house which needs a lot of work. I'm praying I can get it done before baby comes with my dads practical help. I know what a pita dads and houses are. You have my full sympathy there.

My financial situation after I get the house and have the baby will be like yours. I'm seriously stretching myself and purchased the property before I got pregnant. But. I know that if I want to change that then I need to work hard and create a better life for us and that is exactly what I'm going to do. I'm sure your experience could open a number of doors for you.

What strikes me though is it genuinely doesn't seem like you want the baby anymore. If you don't, that is okay. If you do, the ffs stop going back and forth with it. I can see why your parents will be getting frustrated.

r/femaledatingstrategy you are a queen and you don't want this trash mans crap sperm! Go out and get some better sperm and raise a baby yourself! You have love to give and you are responsible and driven! Go to the sperm bank and get some under 30 sperm (it goes bad!) and be a badass firefighter mom to a baby thats so blessed they don't have to deal with having this asshole in their life!