Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

[HelpfulSailor]

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

"IMO there’s rarely a perfect time to have kids - don’t put yourself through the trauma if you plan on having them soon anyway."
This.
Newbie, I agree 100%. And I support any woman's right to choose (or not choose) abortion.
OP, please don't put yourself through so much pain, and possibly lasting PTSD, just for a six-month delay.

Financially a new baby doesn’t have to cost much to skew your DH’s plans that much. Get what you can second hand or free from local charity shops, any family that has had a baby in the last year or so, hell if you’re anywhere in the midlands I can ship a whole load of stuff to you. It’s not a huge expense when they’re tiny.

As for MAT leave it depends on your workplace but if you discuss it with DH in a manner that takes his reservations into consideration and offer plans and contingencies where you can to assuage those fears? If you hadn’t said you’d be looking to TTC in six months time I’d understand his side, but it seems extremely selfish of him to risk your MH, your physical and emotional health for the sake of such a short time of 6 months.

I bet he doesn’t like it when a plan comes undone a bit, but having children means that you can’t pre-plan every detail of your lives anymore, you can to some degree of course but there’s a lot of compromise and learning as you go, this could be a first for him to allow that within himself. I hope you can get through to him @HelpfulSailor and good luck

Abortion to try again in six months makes zero sense. You will be fine doing the things you wanted to do, while pregnant.

I get*

Oh nonononono. Please stop trying to make everyone else happy at your own expense, Helpful. I'm sorry you had a bad time at school. Children can be so cruel. I hope you have kinder and more supportive people around you now, as you deserve.

I'm fully pro-choice, but it has to be the woman's choice. It's not, is it. You're only contemplating this huge trauma to please your DH.

I agree with so many others - late termination so you can pay off credit cards and try in 6 months is madness. You can pay off credit cards when pregnant. You say yourself termination would be traumatic. And you both (at least allegedly in his case) want children - there are no guarantees you can get pregnant again 6 months later.

What do you want to do? If he said he will go with whatever you decide, what would you decide?

You sound just as hung up on the 6 months as your husband.

You have three choices:

Keep the appointment and go through with a later abortion.

Travel and get an earlier abortion.

Keep the baby that by your own admission you were going to try for in 6 months anyway.

Whatever you choose, please also consider how you’ll feel if you abort this baby but then struggle to get pregnant in 6 months time. It’s not always easy. If you’re this rigid on 6 months how are you going to feel if it takes you another 2 years to get pregnant again?

Your body, your choice OP. Good luck with whatever you choose.

This sounds like an abortion is your husband's choice, not yours, hence why you're having so much difficulty deciding what to do. It sounds like he persuaded you that this was the right decision. You said you'd finally worked up to having one, so again, not your decision, otherwise you'd have not had to be persuaded.

I am so scared of making the wrong choice.

For the above reason, plus what everybody else has said, the wrong choice would be to have an abortion. So tell your husband that you're keeping the baby, and will have no more discussions about a termination, and then get those debts paid off, and ramp up the house hunting.

I agree with those that have said there's probably a way to get a faster appointment than this on the NHS. But I still think it's not something you need to do.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time.

I'm sorry OP, but this leaves me utterly speechless.
You are seriously contemplating terminating your pregnancy in January, and then trying to get pregnant again in July?

With regard to your DH's lack of flexibility and difficulty adapting to change - I think you should both think very hard about the impact having a child will have on your lives. Getting pregnant is the start, then infancy/babyhood, toddlerhood, childhood, pre-teen etc. Every stage poses myriad changes, and many many potential challenges, some of which can leave the most flexible, relaxed, change-resilient person in tatters. When people tell you that raising children is hard, we can't quite convey to you the depth of the warning. Your child may be a difficult sleeper, etc. You both really need to think about the reality of raising a baby/child, because the amount of change they cause in your life is immeasurable, and constant.

I fully support a woman’s choice to an abortion however in this instance I don’t think it’s right. If your planning on ttc 6months after a late abortion you can make this work, if you don’t get pregnant for a while you will be devastated having done this to please your DH on the dates you agreed. It’s utter madness, the impact this could have on your mental health should be paramount as you obviously want a baby if you’re looking to try for one next year. I would find it very hard to look at DH the same way if he was suggesting we abort our baby for the sake of 6 months.

Your H is not a "lovely man".

you’re buying into his timescale and rigidity, with a reduced sense of self, which can be the way that autism presents in women.

It's also the way the results of control and other domestic abuse manifest in women.

The OP seems very controlled and in fact frightened of this person.

She, herself, comes across as unconcerned about the timeframes and quite flexible to them changing. Her only concern is her partner's reaction, which she seems to fear.

I had a termination at 18, it (personally) affected me so much my body wouldn't let me get pregnant and i didnt catch for another 12 years. You really want to terminate a child to try for another in 6 months time? Do you know how that sounds?

I’m pro-choice, but only when it’s the woman’s choice. The physical and mental effects on you can be huge, especially when you consider the previous trauma you have been through - and it would all be because your husband thinks he should be in charge of timetabling your body.

Abortion should be there as an option for women who need it. It is not a diary organising system for controlling men.

I'm all for everyone being able to choose what they do with their bodies, but I don't get this at all. If you didn't want the baby at all, then fine. But to scrap this one for the sake of a few months seems very cruel and pointless IMO. Can't you just muddle through for 6 months.

Sounds like you want to go through with the pregnancy and there's nothing holding you back from that. It's your choice OP.

Are you in the UK? Where on earth are you that there is a two month waiting list for an abortion, that doesn't sound right.

I'm sorry, but I think this would kill your relationship anyway.

You don't want to terminate. Don't do it because of a man's inflexibility.

To do this and then try to get pregnant again in a few months is just...well, I don't want to make you feel worse so I'll just leave it there.

I think for the sake of a few months it would be silly to go through this abortion only to TTC in a few months time! Babies dont come to order and you may find yourself in a difficult position if you have trouble conceiving then .There is never a good time to have children really.If he will support you then I think you should go ahead ,

Abortion should be there as an option for women who need it. It is not a diary organising system for controlling men.

Indeed.

I'm sorry, but horrified that you're considering termination when you might be TTC in 6 months?! Please be aware, I'm Catholic, so my beliefs affect my response, but I'm 21st century, so non-Orthodox. I do have my beliefs about your situation, but you don't need to hear that. Please, if you are going to abort, don't wait. Please.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time.

"Lovely men" don't do this.

There will be new challenges in six months. What then? They aren't going to be any less daunting. There's always going to be some instability in life another new job, another challenge and that isn't going to change if you wait six months or six years.

Make your choice, but make it independent of your DH's input and time frame, otherwise it isn't your choice at all.

We were in exactly this position - needing to pay off 6k in cards, sell our house and buy a new one to relocate. DS is now 4 months old and we're moving next week. It's not been easy but it hasn't been horrendous either. he's so loved.

We started trying at 27 but I had 3 miscarriages. 2017/18 was a horrendous year and made the moving process seem like a breeze!

It's your call. But I'd definitely say the disruption of a later abortion would be far worse than the disruption of house buying.

Just to add, TTC and purchasing a home are two things in life that never go to plan.

I'm all for abortion, but this is ridiculous. You can pay off your credit cards when pregnant , you can buy a house when pregnant, you can move house when pregnant. I know because I did all those things when pregnant AND i gave birth on the day we were to move into the new house. It's all perfectly doable.

Stop pandering to your DH and make your own decision, OP.