Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

[HelpfulSailor]

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

I'm 100% pro-choice, but aborting so soon before ttc doesn't really sound like your choice

However, if you say you really want an abortion but only in the next couple of weeks
then if the problem is transport and cost, they'll likely be cheaper than a baby

Still seems like an abortion like this would be a head-fuck during ttc later, but ok that's just imo

I come from a really nice family, they have always supported me and let me do what I want to generally - obviously said no to things like chocolate for dinner aged 5 but never stopped me being me.

I don't know why I am such a walk over I hate upsetting anyone. I was bullied a lot in primary for being a bit weird and I just try to do what makes everyone else happy.

What do you want to do op? Forget about the house, the credit card and your oh.

I'm disgusted by the waiting time for something that is so very time-dependent, OP - what country are you in?

You know if you have a medical abortion, you usually start the process at the clinic but you can get back home and wait a day or two to find the right time to complete the process? So if you went on public transport, you won't be stuck at the clinic or having to deal with the effects on the way home - you wait until you're back home and ready.

I agree with others that it seems odd to terminate now with a plan to conceive again a few months later - nothings ever perfect so if you want a baby around now, I would stick with the pregnancy rather than putting yourself (and your body) through all of that for very little benefit.

But either way, I'm appalled at your lack of access to abortion.

It's entirely your choice.

Though I have to say I'm shocked that your DH thinks that putting you through a late abortion and then trying for a baby six months later is a good plan in any way. You're a human being, not a baby making machine in a factory.

How about you both try as hard as you can to make money in this remaining time? Him taking on a second job in the evenings/weekends would be less traumatic than his suggestion.

If you remain in good health you could even work right up till your due date. I did.

You've already had a miscarriage. For the sake of 6 months if this is a healthy pregnancy then don't have an abortion.

I am very pro choice, but in these circumstances I think you would be better off having the baby.

OP do you think you may have some autistic traits also? I ask with great respect - because you’re buying into his timescale and rigidity, with a reduced sense of self, which can be the way that autism presents in women.

This is HIS timescale, not yours.

OP, I'm very pro-choice but it is so telling that the background context to this is that you actually want and are planning a baby already, in the very near future, with your husband. Just have this one! What if you have a termination and find you can't get pregnant again?

Op, you could end this pregnancy and never be able to conceive again. There is no telling. So the plan to try again 6 months down the line might not even happen. I agree with another poster up thread who said forget the dates and just think about if you can manage a baby in 7 or so's months time. Lots of time to prepare. Time to save. Time to gather essentials for a baby. I would take a seat and think this through.

I wouldn't abort this baby to try again in 6 months. 6 years maybe but months? Your DH is being incredibly insensitive.

All that matters is how YOU feel, and what YOU want to do.

Aborting in January to just try again in 4 months time (6 from now, 4 from there) is ridiculous. Then again, I don't think having a child and not being able to drive is ideal. You really should start driving lessons, one of you at least, should be driving especially if you are going to have kids.

To terminate then try again in 6 months is madness. Your reasons why it won’t work are so minor compared to the impact terminating this will have on you, trying for a baby at the time this baby would have been due.

OP I was bullied a lot in school, I was also a complete push over. Then I became pregnant in a very difficult situation, no family support, biological father fucked off, friends were to young to give any proper support. Everyone was trying to persuade me to have an ABORTION, but I knew I wouldn't be able to go through with it. It's the first time I stood up for myself, and didn't give a shit what anyone else thought or said to me. Would my life have been different if I had chosen to terminate... Maybe, but I certainly wouldn't change it. Things can seem much bigger and more daunting when you are living through them. You must do what's right for you, do not let anyone talk you into a decision you will regret, whatever that may be.

There is nothing wrong with wanting / having a termination but i do think that if you're planning to conceive anyway in 6 months, it does seem odd to terminate now.

You can still get a mortgage and pay off debts whilst pregnant, so your plan for the future wouldn't alter except the baby will arrive sooner.

What would your DH honestly react like if you said no to a termination?

TTC 4/5 months after having an abortion would be ludicrous IMO.
I don't think those few months would be worth it for your physical or mental health.

I also think to terminate now and try again in 6 months is crazy. Sorry.

I agree with every poster that says to terminate then try again in 6 months is utter madness.

Your husband needs to grow up as having children never goes to plan.
Humans are animals not machines.

Please do what you want with your body regardless of your financial plans and what your husband wants.

OP people have babies in rented accommodation & with debt. People also buy houses with credit card deft as long as the mortgage is affordable.

Think about all the options as I think you are rushing a decision in the shock of having to wait so long for a termination. You need to prioritise your mental and physical health

What the others have said, basically.

'He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. '

A termination is a big thing to go through for the sake of 6 months.

'He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless. (...) I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.'

He's said he will support you whatever you decide. If he thinks you'd be ready in 6 months, then you're not far off ready now.

The other thing to bear in mind of course is that regardless of age, TTC doesn't always pan out as we expect. You have a chance now, it can't be taken for granted. Sorry if that's a random and slightly morbid point. What if you had an abortion and then happened never to get pregnant again?

'I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?'

No. You have to look after yourself, especially as you sound vulnerable maybe? I agree with previous posters - go to your GP (or go back, if you've been before) and explain to them how you're feeling. You could also try therapy etc. Even if you've tried lots of things, there's almost always more to try!

It's not selfish to think of your mental health- if you get ill then it will effect everyone close to you, so by looking after your health you are thinking of them.

Hugs xxxxx

'I'm shocked at all the self-declared pro-choice posters here judging OP for talking about having an abortion and TTC again in 6 months.

You aren't pro-choice if you make a moral judgement on another woman's choice to abort. '

I don't think we're making a moral judgement as such- OP asked our advice and we're just giving her our (asked for) opinions, that if she wants a baby in general and soon (which she presumably does as she's mentioned DH saying they should try in 6 months) then 6 months isn't long and not worth going through an abortion and then TTC again if it can be avoided.

No-one who's pro-choice would berate the OP for having an abortion she chose- but she's conflicted about it, that's why she asked our advice.

I saw another thread or two where posters were being pressured into having an abortion- it seems to be a thing nowadays. Women who are pro-choice would/should also be pro- a woman choosing to have a baby if she wants it. Being forced/pressured into an abortion is anti-choice.

It was the same 15 years ago. No abortion appointment before a way too far off date. Was absolutely awful. I was in sheer panic. Eventually had to loan the money and go private.

*Something is very wrong if the wait is that long on the NHS. Clinics are closely monitored on termination under 6 weeks, 9 weeks and 12 weeks. It seems unbelievable that all the ones travel distance to you can't offer an appointment for over 6 weeks.

Call your local health trust and they will look into it and should offer you a quicker appointment*

This. Your GP should also be able to advise who to escalate this too.

Have you tried both Marie Stopes and BPAS? I've had 2 terminations in the past 2 years due to an abusive husband and didn't have to wait that long either time. I definitely preferred Marie Stopes and would recommend them to anyone needed their services.

It'll be a surgical termination under sedation/general anaesthetic. They only do medical ones up until 12/13 weeks, although you can still choose surgical.

It's time to be selfish and do what you want to do or you will regret it. Don't be a doormat in this situation. Moving with a baby or while pregnant is fine, I did it at 6 months pregnant. The bonus is you don't have to do any of the heavy lifting. Also when you're pregnant and on maternity leave you can spend very little money so it's quite possible you will be able to save a lot and still pay off your credit cards. The fact you are planning on trying so soon (within a year) shows that you are ready for a baby. Also this will be a good lesson for your husband, about being more flexible, you can't just click your fingers and become pregnant. A child will bring all sorts of unexpected things into your life, both joyous and challenging. What will happen if come January you can't get pregnant? That will likely lead to a breakdown in your MH. I also believe that meeting the new baby will lead to a breakdown in your MH if you are successful quickly. Ultimately it's your decision, not your husbands and I think by your post you would like to keep the baby deep down. It's time to put yourself first. Your husband will forget all the doubts as soon as he meets your child and you won't be able to believe you lived without him/her.

There is no man on EARTH I would have a termination for. You have said you can't do it. That is final. Big hugs and all the best.