Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

[HelpfulSailor]

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

If he’s a lovely man he will give himself a talking to and reorganise his plans to welcome in this child which I have seen no evidence that you wish to terminate.

I’m very pro choice but simply don’t believe that a termination is your choice.

If I’m right then take this opportunity to stop being a doormat and advocate for yourself and this unborn child. Your DH gets to have an opinion but you get to choose.

You can’t guarantee you’ll have a house in 6 months, even if you have a deposit now. I rent with 2 children, I don’t think that’s a reason not to have kids (especially if you’re already pregnant)!

This! Plus you might find you can't conceive then.

You do know that when you do have children life cannot be quite so controlled as you would like it to be?

Can you get the abortion pill? I think you can take it up to 7/8 weeks. You could do it at weekend, with OH to help with hand holding.

Ring BPAS.

Where are you located? THEY WILL fit you in ASAP.

And also I don't mean to sound cruel but who says in 6 months time you will be able to even conceive? If you both want a baby then carry on with the pregnancy. You won't regret the baby once he/she is here.

DH does struggle with change he gets there in the end he just finds it stressful, and needs more time to come to terms with stuff.

Then - speaking as someone with experience of people with ASCs, diagnosed and undiagnosed - stick to your guns. Tell your DH that you cannot have such a late termination; that you cannot have a termination and then try for a baby in six months time; and that you are going to have this baby.

And repeat, and repeat, and repeat, to give him the time he needs to come to terms. He may not understand how simply rehearsing his reasons for not having this baby have undermined your confidence. But he already says he will support you. Give him the chance to do that.

One thing you will both have to get used to about babies though, they are not predictable plannable things that follow a schedule! You will both have to make it up as you go along and expect your plans and schedules to change.

You’d be mad to have an abortion now if you were planning on conceiving in 6 months.

This is your decision though. I’d talk to an impartial counsellor to help.

I just try to do what makes everyone else happy

So are you trying to do what your dp wants in planning the abortion?

Or are you trying to please MN posters by not telling us that your decision is made?

You need to get together the facts and plan what you want to do. When you have made that decision you can discuss it with your dp. But he has already said he will support you no matter what you decide.

It doesn't sound like you really want a termination but BPAS have a policy of fitting you in sooner and you can call them directly - they're lovely and you will also get counselling to help you make whatever decision you decide. Good luck

This is so sad all round. Babies never come at precisely the right time and I would say when a little chubster is born we all come to terms with it and move on. I think it is sad to be terminating and then only a few months later trying for another. Whatever happens you are obviously a lovely caring person who will be a wonderful mum and we all do get thru these things over time. xxx

If you must terminate than fine. No judgement here but it doesn't sit right that you'll be trying again in six months........millions of couples have babies at the wrong time. It's fine, the world keeps on turning. In six months you'd still be.pregnant which won't affect the house going ahead.

No woman should ever feel pressured into terminating a pregnancy. Especially not a fairly late stage. Your husband needs to stop being a dickhead and man up quite frankly.

To be fair OP if you believe that your OH has undiagnosed autism and this is why he wants his life on a clear plan, he is going to have to deal with many unplanned moments if you have DC together, so he may as well start now.

If DC are in your life plans for the next year then just go ahead with this pregnancy. You may have a termination now and then struggle to conceive in 6 months time. There are no certainties in life.

Lovely men support their dps in their choices, they don't give their choice and opinion and play the 'we agreed' card to tie their dp in knots. What happens if you struggle to conceive again? 'Sorry love but we said we'd have a baby before I'm 40 so we stop now'.

The best laid plans go awry.

Your husband would have been lovely and supportive to say 'what's happened has happened, how do you feel about it?' Not bombard you with why you should stick to his plan.

Keep the baby. Or if that really ends up not being possible, have it adopted into a loving family ready for one. That way you won't be living with regrets and guilt and you would've given an amazing gift to someone else.

Sorry if I sound really awful. But why would you terminate for trying again in 6 months??? That’s a life, a baby! I’m pro choice, but it’s life at the end of the day! Nothing stops you from buying a house or paying off your debts while being pregnant!

OP sounds like you are in a bit of a pickle. It's a very difficult decision to make but I think you will regret it if you were to terminate the baby. Having an abortion is not like a walk in the park... What if there are complications post op? Also, as previous posters have said - your husband seem to be honest about his true feelings. If he wanted a baby 6 months from now he would have been happy to go ahead with your pregnancy either way.

If you were anyway planning on ttc in six months i would keep the baby. You can still pay of CC bills and get a house whilst pregnant. Why terminate only to start trying in a few months! You also don't know how long it may take you to get pregnant again..so i would seize the opportunity and keep it.

This happened to me, although to be fair finding out we were pregnant wasn't such a negative thing as it seems to be for you seeing as how your partner has reacted. I had literally just had a seconded position at work made permanent (the same week I found out!) and we were aiming for TTC within 6 months to a year. There's never a great time to have a baby, always something else to save for etc. My baby is 7 months old now. Your reasoning for a termination all seems to be on account of your partners views. Therefore think very carefully, it should be about you first and foremost xx

So your current proposal is:

• endure over a third of a pregnancy along with a the exhaustion, nausea and discomfort that goes along with that.
• to allow a tiny human being to grow for that length of time, with all of the investment that goes into that - for you as well as it.
• to then terminate its life and waste all that time you spent being pregnant
• to start again in 6 months.

All because you planned to do it in 6m not now. It's madness.

Babies don't get conceived on schedule. They don't arrive on schedule. And they sure as hell don't behave on schedule. You are in a loving relationship and want children imminently. Why would you discard the one you already have for the mere hope of getting one a few months don't the line?

If you didn't want a dc anytime soon then managing a later termination would make perfect sense.
But terminating the pregnancy just as my morning sickness was wearing off and I was starting to show only to turn round and start again in a couple of months seems really perverse.
OP I would get counseling before you make any irreversible decisions, this needs to be your decision, it is your body.

Honestly, you don't sound like you're mature enough to be having a baby whether it be now or 6 months down the track.

Take pps' advice regarding the best way to access a timely abortion.

Then don't even think about TTC until you get your shit together. Maybe consider learning to drive in the meantime too.

Someone i know had a termination in her early 20's. Having tried for a baby for several years since, she was told that she cannot conceive. She lives with that regret and is now a very bitter person. She now keeps away from people who have children. Whilst i appreciate that this may not be common and people who have abortions do conceive later on, i wouldn't risk it for the sake of a few months. You might regret it OP.

If you are set on termination I’d just try to go private . Honestly if you want a baby at all and want to try on 6 months why would you put yourself through all that .

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby

See, it's this bit that points to him making the decision. Was this what you wanted originally, or after he had told you all the reasons why now is not a good time, which he put across so reasonably that you started thinking he had a point?

Because if it went, how I get the feeling it went, then you DID want to keep the baby, so choosing to terminate will be the wrong decision. You will end up resenting him, possibly hating him, and it will be the end of your relationship. Not to mention, having had a previous MC, then a termination, you may find getting pregnant difficult, and if that's the case, you really will hate him then.

This thread has been pretty unanimous that you should carry on with this pregnancy, so tell him you're keeping the baby. He has said he'll support you, and you've got time to do the things you already had planned, and he's got 7/8 months to get used to the idea. So get down to your GP and get started on your ante-natal care.

I am normally very pro choice and ultimately it is up to you but like others, I find it hard too square abortion now versus trying again in 6m time. 6 months is no time at all and while you might be in a slightly better position financially, it doesn’t seem like you want to go ahead and would be doing it for your DH despite risk to your own mental health.

If you are saying you intended to try in 6 months...and then you terminate in January - since we are in November you are literally talking about trying again 4 months after you terminate.
I get why you are thinking of terminating - but is the emotional stress worth sucking up for having a pregnancy 6 months before you planned it?