Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

[HelpfulSailor]

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

Sorry, but for the sake of 6 months, having a termination would be ridiculous. Nobody knows how long it will take (if it even happens) when you start TTC.

I was on the pill and never missed so just unlucky I guess

Actually, for someone who is planning on TTC it’s not unlucky to find yourself pregnant a few months early. You could easily be a couple that starts TTC in 6 months time, and find it doesn’t happen for many years.

Something is very wrong if the wait is that long on the NHS. Clinics are closely monitored on termination under 6 weeks, 9 weeks and 12 weeks. It seems unbelievable that all the ones travel distance to you can't offer an appointment for over 6 weeks.

Call your local health trust and they will look into it and should offer you a quicker appointment.

Please consider the risks of having an abortion, the physical and mental scars also. How would you cope if you couldn’t get pregnant further down the line?
I am fully supportive of a termination and a women’s right to choose.
But op do you not thing that it is a bit heartless to end a fetuses life just because it isn’t quite the right time? Please note it is also currently illegal in the uk to terminate for social reasons which is clearly what this is. A medical professional has to sign that that continuing with the pregnancy would affect your mental health. That is how they get around the law. And in your case it seems like it will more likely affect your mental health to terminate.

I think it might be useful to ascertain whether your husband's reluctance is due to his difficulty with dealing with a change in plan, or whether it is for genuine reasons. I think it it turned out to be the former, then that could be traumatic for both of you.

I am shocked at the wait though - that's appalling.

I'm 14 weeks pregnant with an unplanned baby. I thought about aborting but once I got over the shock I decided that it wasn't for me

If you really want to abort you'll find a way to do it sooner. But I have to say aborting just to try again in 6 months is horrible :(

We will have bought a house and paid off our credit cards. Abortion in England for maternal reasons is legal for health reasons only , either physical or mental health.

This is shocking. An abortion for a six month delay before trying to conceive? What if you can't have the baby then? You clearly want a baby. Take this one as a blessing.

Just to add, I’m totally pro choice. But you’re not saying you never want children, or had planned in a few years etc.

It’s actually awful to terminate only to try a few months (24 weeks!!) later

I wouldn’t risk your mental health over a grand or two. Take out a loan and either pay to have it done privately or travel somewhere you can actually access healthcare. I hope you are alright

Appointment not until jan? Sorry but I can’t believe that.

A TOP at that point is a much more involved process, rather than the relatively simple tablets earlier on.

The nhs would much rather deal earlier than later, from financial and every other aspect.

Are you in the uk? When you say “clinics” what do you mean? Have you seen your GP and been referred?

I can travel a bit but I don't drive so I am stuck with where I can get to via public transport

Does DH drive?
Does he expect you to go to the clinic - if you do go - on your own?

People who are aghast at the wait, surely this is exacerbated by the OP’s lack of transport. Maybe re-direct your anger at the lack of decent public transport facilities available for the vast majority of the UK (beyond large cities that is).

Agree with last couple of posts.

What a selfish man wanting to end this pregnancy put you through trauma only to try again in 6 months time. Which may or may not result in a full term pregnancy. If you do opt for termination you may resent him and not want to be with him anymore anyway.

If you terminate you may regret it but if you have the baby although it might be a struggle going against the selfish wishes of your partner, I don’t think you’ll regret it when you have the baby whom you will love and cherish. I dare say he will too and that might make him think twice about the way he treated you.

Make tour own decision it’s your body your decision to make. Hope for your sake you don’t allow him to bully you into it then later regret. Stay strong! 💐

Wait 6 months?

In 6 months you'll still be pregnant... and what a head fuck that would be to then start ttc nearing your original due date?

I think you both need to have a serious talk, babies arent on pre order.
Surely he knew that by having unprotected sex with you, it would happen? Whats the shock?

You sound like you'd make a loving mum. Dont let fear of financial stress be the decision maker here. Babies are as cheap or as expensive as you make them to be.

x

I am just naturally a bit of a doormat and I always put how other people feel before myself

How was your childhood, @HelpfulSailor? Because I hang out on the Stately Homes thread and it is a really common symptom of a childhood with controlling, easily angered or unpredictable parents to carry around a lot of guilt for sticking up for yourself. You might find Stately Homes an interesting read if so.

Anyway whatever the reason, it sounds to me like you and your DH have got into a way of relating where you, like you say, put his wants and needs ahead of your own... and he lets you. Because he doesn't notice, because he's used to it, because he thinks you must be happy or else you'd say something? Because he likes getting his own way the whole time? That needs to change or you're going to wake up in a few years and your life is going to be full of decisions that someone else took - someone that didn't always have your best interests at heart.

@Newbie1999
@GameSetMatch
@HelpfulSailor I mean by last couple posts that I agree with these guys. Lots a people commenting hope your ok x

You on don't want the termination as clearly you have the means to do it privately if necessary (even if the house deposit money was your parents you would only be using a small proportion of it and wouldn't tell them) and the fact that you don't drive is really not a barrier when there are buses, trains and taxis.

If you both obviously want kids then I personally think you should go through with it. Whilst I am pro choice as there are many scenarios when terminations are in the best interests, I don't really morally support them when the timing is just a bit inconvenient.

Personally, I think that you should be completely sure before you have an abortion. I appreciate others disagree, but that's my view. You don't sound sure and if you plan to TTC as soon as 6 months, it seems illogical to me to abort now. If you found a miscarriage distressing, it is likely you would find an abortion distressing too.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

No! You’re absolutely NOT being selfish! Please don’t even think that. You’re not obliged to have an abortion just because you previously told your partner you would. People change their minds all the time. It’s not a sign of weakness or a lack of honesty - or anything like that.

I’m pro-choice but in this case I can’t see any reason why you shouldn’t have this baby.

As for the money and scheduling side of things, very few people get pregnancy exactly when they want. There is no perfect time that you need to wait for to have a baby. If we all waited like that, the birth rate would be very low.

Risking your mental health is utterly pointless if you’d be TTC in 6 months. You really don’t have to if you do not want to. It’s your decision. Don’t feel pushed into something you could regret.

I am very, very, very pro-choice.

Don't do this to yourself.

And it does not matter if your husband does indeed turn out to have autism- he is still proposing a plan that will fuck over your mental health.

I'm shocked at all the self-declared pro-choice posters here judging OP for talking about having an abortion and TTC again in 6 months.

You aren't pro-choice if you make a moral judgement on another woman's choice to abort. If you restrict one choice, you restrict them all. Your ethics have nothing to do with another woman's choice.

The only reason OP shouldn't get an abortion is if she doesn't want one.

6 months is absolutely nothing, and if you want to try in 6 months time then I would abort now, and I have had 2 termination so I fully understand how much thought goes into this.
Last year, I was unexpectedly of with dc3. Timing awful, dh was made redundant a week after my positive. She’s currently asleep next to me and I promise you it all works out ok, if a baby is at all on your horizon, to terminate and then start again in 6 months is by far more traumatic.

The wait in the clinics is barbaric but that’s a whole other issue

I think you’re (both) getting far too hung up on dates. Focus instead on if the baby is wanted, generally. Will it be loved? Are you and your partner a solid enough unit to welcome a baby into the world? Everything else will, of course, follow. I do urge you to access some mental health support though, it sounds like you would really benefit.

Look after yourself. Physically and mentally. This is more important than your husband having to get used to a slightly earlier than planned pregnancy