Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

[HelpfulSailor]

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

I had an abortion in america. They made me wait two weeks till 6 weeks because they said a lot of pregnancies terminate themselves by then. For those 2 weeks I couldn't stop thinking about the baby I was goi ng to neverhavee. It was awful. I was only having the abortuon because ky marriage was falli ng apart and my husband didn't want another child... if I had gone ahead it would have meant raising 3 under 5s alone in UK while their dad was stuck in america. So I knew I had to go through.
4 days before the abortion I got morning sickness. 2 days before was xmas eve, with me apologizing in tears to the baby whose stocking I would never hang up. Then xmas, trying to get through seeing family without them knowing.
The procedure is a bit different in USA as they try to guilt trip you out of it, plus it costs $500. I had to have an internal ultrasound for maximum embarassment and misery, while half naked and after pregnancy already confirmed with a test. The person showed me the heartbeat and told me I measured 6 weeks 4 days.

As a science minded person, I knew the heart beat stsrts weeks before nerve endings or brain is formed. So no way at 6 weeks 4 days was my embryo able to think or feel. But being show it is pretty cruel.

Finally it was done. I had to deal with my guilt and sadness alone as there is little sympathy out there for those that terminate a healthy pregnancy. It was hard

6 months later my mirena failed and I was pregnant again. This time my marriage was fixed and we had the baby. Mixed emotions. I wouldn't have my youngest son if I hadn't had that abortion. But it still felt like a lost child.

I hoep whatever you decide is right for you. Personally, after my experience, I couldn't have an abortion over something as small as bad timing. Because who knows how things could change in 9 months. And I also couldn't do it past 10 weeks, when brain and nerves are there. So if you want to go ahead I suggestnfind somewhere else and get it done asap. Before you change your mind or go through emotional pain of a pregnancy you know you won't keep. Good luck.

Private medical abortion is £480.

Guidelines are to be seen in five days, abortion complete two weeks from first contact.

97% of BPAS abortions are NHS funded and the GP referral material mentions a choic of clinics.

I really think if you want an earlier abortion there is a way.

All my life I have been pro choice. Absolutely; without any qualification or hesitation. “As early as possible and as late as necessary”. That has been my go to belief.

A woman’s right to choose is the gold standard. I am not one who only pays lip service to my professed beliefs. I am a feminist and am Pro choice. And then I read your posts OP ..... and I’m conflicted/confused and - I admit - disgusted. I am delving deep within myself to try to understand my reaction.

What if the abortion affects your fertility and was your only chance?

I'm pro choice.. but given that it's only 2k worth of CC debt that can be moved to a zero interest card. And the move will still happen anyway.
And babies don't have to be expensive.. I find it hard to believe you would want to abort merely because it's a 'bit earlier' than you were planning.

It's clear you're being coerced into this plainly because you like to please everyone. This isn't about pleasing ANYONE. Just yourself. Its your body. You will be going through the procedure.
Some trusts do the procedure under local anaesthetic others under general.
From someone that had to have both forms due to missed miscarriages.. if your trust does it under General.. you will never know something so traumatizing.

Just consider that.. this might be your only chance.

keep trying clinics you can reach via public transport, even if much farther. organise a taxi if need be. too big a decision to simply allow circumstance to dictate. very sorry to hear nothing near you is available. wishing you all the best.

Why can’t you still go to work and pay off your credit cards and do all the things that you were going to do before having the baby.

Comparing £2000 to a babies life is fucking awful.

I knew someone who had an abortion at 18 just prior to university.

That was her one and only chance at being at being a mother.

I have always been Pro choice, but this is shocking. You would terminate just because it has happened a few months earlier than your husband wanted?

I became pregnant when I was 19. I wanted it. But he didn’t. We went to this counselling lady. Who said this one sentence that has always stuck in my mind.

‘It’s 100% your choice. As a women. The man can say or want what he does. But he doesn’t have the choice. Yo have 100% of the choice’

My partner argued with this lady till he was blue in the face. She just kept repeating the same sentence. And it’s so true

Ultimately. It led to me having a ruptured ectopic and I nearly died. They took out so much. They didn’t think I would ever have children. Fortunate I was able to fall pregnant. But it wasn’t easy.

Op - as someone who is also a terrible people pleaser and can be a bit of a doormat all I can say is:-

Yes - it is nice to be nice. To do what makes other people happy. To put them first. Go on holiday to Spain every year (even though you would prefer Italy), drink the red wine as it is open, go with his first choice for garden furniture even though you think it is a bit tacky.

But please please don’t terminate a pregnancy because your husband wants you to. This is the one time in your life when you must put yourself first.

You know what OP , I dont often comment on these threads as it's too close to home for me.

I feel pregnant with my third child, we were trying and it happened first time after years of ivf etc for our first two. Husband freaked, adamant he didn't want it, booked me into docs for abortion, went on hunger strike and generally manipulated me into it. I shut down, closed off my feelings and went along with him. Was in shock I suppose.

The biggest regret in my life, not a day goes by I dont think wtf happened?!

Take some time, go stay with a friend or family and talk things through, get some counselling. But do not have an abortion for your partner. It will change the way you feel about them and be disastrous for your relationship if you are not 100% sure that aborting is what you want.

As for trying again in a few short months, before this baby would be born... are you sure you would want to even be touched by a man that manipulated you into an abortion? I certainly didnt!

In short op, make sure that whatever decision you come to, you are 100% happy with and can live with the rest of your life x

You really don't sounds like you actually want a termination, and the fact you think it's going to negatively affect your mental health, then you're going to try again 6-8 months later seems madness to me.

I'm very pro choice, but please think about this, maybe get some counselling for both of you as I think you may regret a termination if it affects you as badly as you think it will.

Oh love. @HelpfulSailor Can you talk to your husband tomorrow and talk about keeping the baby, then agree to give him a few days to get his head round if so you can make a new plan together?

It makes no sense to terminate when you'd be trying next year, incase the worst happens and you can't conceive again, and £2k isn't the end of the world. You can still pay that off while you're pregnant.

It sounds like you live near me. The abortion wait is horrendous, but it seems you might not need one anyway. It just might take some time and planning to get your husband onboard and let the new plan settle, as you'd planned everything before.

Best of luck

You have to do what's right for you. If you don't want an abortion you shouldn't have one.

I disagree somewhat with other posters though. For some people £2,000 of debt is not a small amount. To transfer to a 0% interest card involves applying for more credit, being turned down could effect their chances of getting a mortgage. How to cover costs during maternity leave could be an issue - someone said they'd managed to save £500 a month, most people can't imagine saving that much particularly if they have rent or a mortgage to pay, I saved for a year before starting ttc so that I could have six months off.

Sorry everyone
Thanks for the responses
I still don't know what I am going to do.

£2000 is a lot to us we aren't high earners it took us a long time to save for our wedding.

My husband is not a horrible controlling man he has just told me what he would prefer to happen obviously he has a very narrow view of the female experience. He is not pushing me to terminate at a late point in January and we are exploring as many other options as possible, I am looking further a field but from what my understanding is I was told by the bpas lady if it is out of your trust then you pay private prices.

I do want a child and I know how lucky I am to have fertility. I worried for a long time after my miscarriage that I had something wrong with me.

Looking at my life this is not something I thought I would be considering at this point in my life but here I am. As much as I know it is my decision I can't help but take my husband's opinion on board I don't exist in a vacuum.

And I promise my husband is not a horrible man, he just struggles to see past the end of his own nose sometimes.

I’m just going to say it.

There are acceptable reasons for terminating a pregnancy, and unacceptable ones. Waiting 6 months to clear £2000 of credit card debt isn’t an acceptable one, to me. It’s immature, cavalier, smug, entitled.

I know you’re focused on the stress your DH is causing you right now. But YOU are pregnant, not him. YOU have to make up your own mind, and do what YOU think is right. That may mean having an unhappy DH. But you have to take responsibility for yourself and the foetus/baby. That’s just life as a woman.

Well that’s some progress at least I’m so far as you acknowledge your beloved husband can’t see past his own face.

So now that YOU see that, then you know you can safely ignore his opinion because you know and understand it totally lacks any perspective.

My husband used the line we should terminate now and try again if we still want a baby in 6 months time. I thought it was a stupid thing to say, I knew he just wanted me to do it and then he would back out if I said to try again.

what do you want all of this husband says this says that, what do you want deep down because that is what matters

@Quartz2208 is right.
You are having this baby, do you want to?
Fundamentally it is that simple and that hard.

From the mental health point of view, I have had a miscarriage, a baby and an abortion in that order.

The miscarriage was medically managed at 13 weeks baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks.

Abortion was at 8 weeks

It's your choice. Your body will have changed a lot by 15 weeks. I think you are right in thinking you will be very affected by an abortion at that stage.

If you could take the pills tomorrow would you?

I really feel for you but maybe this is fate and this baby was meant to be, talk to your husband.

If you are seriously thinking of having an abortion only to try for a baby in six months time, so really only four months after a January abortion, the thought of this actually makes me feel sick. I don't think you are ready to have a baby. There is often no good time to have a baby but if you really want children you make time for them. Plenty of babies have been born to couples who rent or who have just started a new job.

This is ridiculous. Half the posters saying terminating a pregnancy for the sake of £2k are having their posts deleted, whilst the other half stand?

Mumsnet HQ is so pathetic sometimes.

Your husband might not be controlling, but I suspect he doesn’t want a baby. If you do, keep this one as it may well be your only chance if he decides a few months down the line that he doesn’t want to try again...

Put yourself first

By the time you are at the abortion date, if you ask people for money instead of gifts at Christmas, you do a bit of matched betting, selling stuff on eBay/CEX etc and being a bit frugal you could have paid off a chunk of the £2000 anyway.