Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

[HelpfulSailor]

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

Your DH is showing astonishing disregard for your body and your mind. I'm wondering if this is for real.

More than the abortion question (which YOU should be making for YOURSELF and YOUR BABY, from this fetus or any other one), you really need to think about this. Personally I couldn't be with someone who has such disregard for me and my feelings. He's viewing your body as an incubator and your mind as a computer. Autism doesn't = cruel, which is what he's being.

We were in the exact same position. I decided I couldn’t go through with it we now have a beautiful baby we adore. The financial issues haven’t changed but we muddling through. I thought it would break us up when I finally made the decision but dh came to terms with it and was excited by end of pregnancy. Obviously you have to take everything into account and it may break up marriage. Going through with abortion could break up marriage too as you will probably have feelings of resentment

This sounds like a really tough spot to be in however that said this is life things like this happen more often then not, trying to reconcile the situation with your husbands feeling isn't your job that's his. I'm hearing a lot about his feelings what about yours, how do you feel ?

Id be concerned that in the future you may feel resentment towards him further down the line

Can you have some counselling together to try and resolve this

On another note the whole whatever you decide is code for abdicating responsibility is pull him up on that you're con this together

I wish you well

For heaven's sake, have an abortion and ttc 6 months later?! I'm all for a right to choose but I can't believe things will be so different it will be worth the trauma. You don't know what the future holds - things could change again. If you're planning on ttc soon then just regard this as a lucky accident and muddle through

OP, please take time to read all the supportive responses.

I am pro choice but to TTC in 6 months is not a good enough reason to have a termination, no matter how many weeks pregnant you would be.

Try to explain this again to your DH this evening.

I am pro choice but to TTC in 6 months is not a good enough reason to have a termination, no matter how many weeks pregnant you would be.

I agree. I am pro choice if I got pregnant now I would terminate but this to me is bonkers. It's the assumption that when you actually ttc it will happen - you just can't be sure of that.

But your body your choice totally, having said that I'd personally pay the money and get it sooner and put off buying a house for a few months.

Wth why is he pressuring you for the sake of six months. Tell him to stop damaging your mental well being.

If you're planning to TTC in the next 6 months it would be MAD to terminate this pregnancy. Absolutely mad.

But you've got money, you could go private. You've got a deposit and credit cards.
And delaying for only 6 months? Actually having a termination after 12 weeks, knowing how horrible it would be , for the sake of 6 months? Tbh, I'm a bit shocked by that. If you're not comfortable with that, don't do it. But your partner sounds horrible, he probably won't stick around anyway.

Sorry all I had to work this afternoon
I just want to assure you all that this is real my husband is not a controlling man and I agree with a PP who says he may be panicking.

I have read several termination threads before and the same having a termination that you don't want will end your relationship and damage your mental health and continuing a pregnancy that your partner dosn't want can result in the same thing.

I am not flippantly demanding an abortion and I am well aware it is a life that I could be ending.

And as for the six month situation our original plan was to TTC from about June.

I agree with all the points people have said and I know I need to stand up for myself more I just struggle to.

I don't think either me or my husband will come out of this situation "happy" for lack of a better word but I hope we can find a way forward together.

As for lack of services - here was my process for obtaining and abortion.

Called GP was told in my area we self refer to BPAS called BPAS there are two clinics in my area. Got referred to the nearest one no appts till end of Jan called their hotline to be referred to the further one was told waitlist was the same.
Called Marie Stopes as they have a clinic in the next town over but they have no funding for people in my area.
Went back to the GP and explained the wait time and my previous trauma and was basically told there are no other options for me either wait or go private as the trust policy is to refer to BPAS.
Called BPAS again to see if I could go out of area but if I go to a further clinic I again have to pay.

I live in a poor town in the Midlands.

OK I'm really confused.

Can't you get a pill from your GP? Here in Ireland we fought a Referendum just for the right to get a pill from our GP!

Why do you have to go to a clinic at all? It's just a prescription!

Can someone explain?

Cos this isn't adding up to me at all.

Well, you don’t seem committed to putting in much more effort to finding a way to terminate within a timescale you’re happy with.

You don’t want to terminate around the 14/15 week mark.

The only remaining option is to continue with the pregnancy. Being parents means a lifetime of sucking things up.

(No judgment from me on any of the above. You sound like you’re in real turmoil. If you could see yourself from the outside; if this were a MN thread; if this were happening to a work colleague - what would you advise?)

OP - I had a missed miscarriage in July and it was horrific. I couldn't go through a termination at 15 weeks - I am very pro-choice, don't get me wrong. You can't terminate this one then start trying again in the summer - that is utter madness. You want children, the timing isn't great but when is?

So the plan was to have bought and moved into a house by January then start ttc in June ? How do you know this will happen like this ? I just don’t think approaching all this from such a rigid timescale is a good way to do it. It might help your dh cope with life but having a family is being in a state of flux esp with small kids! You have to roll with the punches. You’re telling me that you having the termination will make your dh happier. Then you look at houses and he wants to buy one you can move into within the time frame he has planned without a chain or having to do work before you move in or whatever - say you don’t like the house, but you go along with it because you have to stick to timescales. Then you have to spend money on something unexpected in the house and it puts your credit card payback timeframe behind, so you have to wait another few months to ttc. @helpfulsailor honestly I’m not having a go but where does it end ? A year from now you could be pregnant and god forbid have hyperemesis or something and have to quit work and your DH would have to cope with that ! Life happens !

@ElspethFlashman The Irish abortion laws post referendum are now more liberal than those in England. Women in Wales and Scotland can take the abortion pill at home and there are plans to change the practice in England but for now both doses of the pill must be taken in a clinic.

He really shouldn’t be doing this to you.

If you wanted an abortion you would get on a train to the place that could do it soonest and pay for it.

I get not everybody can do that, but from what you've said you could.

If your DH can't adapt enough to get his head around a baby coming into your lives less than a year earlier than planned I'm not sure he's going to cope with parenting.

Went back to the GP and explained the wait time and my previous trauma and was basically told there are no other options for me either wait or go private as the trust policy is to refer to BPAS
How much is private? If you cannot afford it, how will you afford a baby in a few months?
This is very weird.

OP I second PPs saying nobody has a child to plan. I was told my fertility was a complete shit-show. Grieved, moved on. Conceived 17 months after receiving that news. Initially thought my missed period was early menopause, no joke.

I also cannot emphasise enough that fertility is a fickle mistress. We were not actively “trying” at all when we conceived. When we were desperate for it to happen, it never did. It was when we least expected it that I found out I was pregnant.

Your husband may well (wrongly) assume that if you have enough unprotected sex every month, it’s a dead cert you’ll conceive. This belief might be driven by sex education he received as a young person; which is all geared towards preventing pregnancy. Such teaching implies that it’s so easy to conceive every month that we need iron-clad contraception all the time. I couldn’t believe how ignorant I was about the subtleties of my own fertility - until it was a problem. I was menstruating regular as clockwork - so what was the issue?

Given all this, aborting now and trying to conceive again in six months, in order to follow the plan of someone who’s probably an absolute dunce when it comes to fertility and conception would be a grave, grave error.

I agree with 1950swallpaper. You need to pay for it privately. It's the only thing that will tick the boxes for you and regarding the £ since that's reason for NO to a baby now is cheaper than a baby.

However 6 months wont stop u doing all you planned.

I think if you have a termination now then get pregnant in 6 months (or even longer) that your mental health will suffer as you will struggle with feelings of guilt over the termination. Especially as your previous miscarriage affected you in such a way. I say that as someone who is pro choice.

If your husband is a decent man he will support you wanting to go through with this pregnancy.

I don’t see how terminating, especially at that late stage will solve your problem. It will just give you a different set of problems. The problem doesn’t go away when you terminate, you have to live with that loss for the rest of your life. I hope that makes sense? I lost a baby a little further on than you will be and you actually need to give birth at that stage. It’s horrific and I never want anyone else to go through that pain and trauma. Having said that I hope you are able to find the best solution for you, I really feel for you. I’m sensing your partner is a little controlling? Xx

Sorry op but if neither you or dp cant handle unexpected life occurances then you both have growing up to do.

Babies arent for pre order so either accept its come early or abort and risk your mh, marriage and fertility down the line.

Im pro choice but this is a nuts situation.