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Pregnancy choices

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Original poster

Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

486 replies

HelpfulSailor · 19/11/2019 09:14

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

OP posts:
Proseccoinamug · 19/11/2019 15:21

I agree with the others who have said that terminating now to try again in a few months is madness.

You’ll have paid off your cards and saved your deposit by the time you give birth anyway? This really doesn’t seem like a reason to have a termination if you want children so soon anyway.

Dragongirl10 · 19/11/2019 15:22

Op l think you are far to concerned about what your DH thinks than what YOU think and feel........

Having a termination is a big decision, one you live with forever....if you are happily married, and want a family quite soon why on earth would you terminate?
6 months is neither here nor there.
Your husbands feelings about change and planning, should take second place to YOU and YOUR feelings alone regarding this.

You are pregnant not him.
It is your body and pregnancy.
It is your decision.

Only terminate is you absolutely under no circumstances want to be pregnant with no influence from anyone.....and if that is right for you fine.

Think of your life looking back 5 years from now...which option will feel right or wrong.

Lastly as another poster said never assume it is a given you will get pregnant in the future...these things are never certain.

AlexaAmbidextra · 19/11/2019 15:34

If your DH has difficulty coping with change I would seriously question what the arrival of a baby in his life will do to him.

I agree with most other posters. It would be crazy to terminate now only to ttc in six months time.

Allegorical · 19/11/2019 15:36

sppacecadet4000 that isn’t how the law sees it. Just because we have access to abortion doesn’t mean it should be been done forans old reason. It should be taken seriously as it is a serious thing. You are asking a health professional to end a fetuses life. I have worked as a healthproffessional in termination clinics and it is a big ask. I don’t think people realise what a big ask it is. We are very lucky that we have people that are willing to do this for us but we shouldn’t abuse that right.

NearlyGranny · 19/11/2019 15:44

I agree with all those saying the terminate, wait six months, ttc again plan is madness.

Your DH said it was entirely up to you (while giving all the reasons to terminate!) and that he woukd be totally supportive. You are clearly really unhappy at the prospect of a mid-trimester termination and rightly so. There is so much growth, change and development in place!

Have you had your first scan and has he seen the baby? He may be so wedded to his schedule that the reality of the situation hasn't hit home. He says, "We agreed it wasn't the right time," but how does he explain the unplanned pregnancy? Every in vivo conception, planned or unplanned, happens because a sperm gets through to meet an egg. That means either unprotected sex or contraceptive carelessness or failure. Why did he fail to prevent this if his plan is so important to him? Why should you suffer for his lack of responsibility?

Forget trying to make everyone happy. It can't be done and we'll all probably die still trying! Put your own health and happiness and your baby's welfare first and challenge him to live with the consequences of his mistake cheerfully and positively, offering full support for your decision.

Babies are not subject to logistics; they are not products to be ordered to a time line. Life is messier than that and it's time he grasped the truth of it.

satanstoenailsandwich · 19/11/2019 15:59

Why does your husband get to decide everything that happens in your lives?

ruralcat · 19/11/2019 16:05

The fact is you're pregnant just 6 months before you had hoped to be so on that basis to terminate would be slightly mad. You can still go ahead with buying a house, you being pregnant changes nothing on the applications. How would you feel if you did terminate and then found it difficult to conceive again because that is possible.

Inliverpool1 · 19/11/2019 16:07

What happens if in 6 months you get twins or something else that doesn’t fit the plan

Footiefan2019 · 19/11/2019 16:09

There’s no right time to get pregnant. You can plan to the day you want to give birth, you can wait til you own a house, are married, have so much in the bank.. at the end of the day life happens and things can put a spanner in perfect plans anyway. I think terminating for the sake of 6 months is lunacy, are your lives going to be so different in 6months? My friend is 35 wks and has just moved into a 2 bed ground floor flat from a studio This past weekend. They’re still saving for a deposit on a house. The baby will still be loved and provided for.

Footiefan2019 · 19/11/2019 16:12

Personally I’d be suspicious that in 6 months it still won’t be the right tome, and your dh will have something that needs doing or paying for, then another year goes by and there’s something else .

Footiefan2019 · 19/11/2019 16:12

Time*

Purpleartichoke · 19/11/2019 16:12

I would not personally terminate a viable pregnancy just to try again a few months later. Abortion is for phases in your life it is not appropriate to have a baby, not because the due date less than ideal.

rededucator · 19/11/2019 16:16

If it's a case of making more of an effort regards travel or wait til January you are being absurd. I travelled from Scotland to England for a termination.

SalemShadow · 19/11/2019 16:19

Blimey so he's putting money before his unborn child-WOW. I think tbh it's grounds for divorce. I couldn't be married to someone like this

Vapatea · 19/11/2019 16:21

How much more money are you going to have in 6 months? I think you have every right to not want a termination that late on. You will have developed feelings, be experiencing all the hormone swings and to put yourself through hell just to try again seems so unnecessary. Is there any chance at all your husband is panicking and will change his mind? I would wait a week or so, let him talk to friends and family. If he is decent he won’t let you go through all of that and will see sense

Footiefan2019 · 19/11/2019 16:22

It won’t even cost that much out of your house deposit or credit card fund or whatever he is so worried about. I bet your family, as they’re by your admission lovely, would be keen to provide some bits, you don’t even need a car seat! You’d have to buy a little crib or cot but you can get lovely clothes, push chairs, slings, cloth nappies all pre-loved. It’s a myth you need to go to Mothercare or John Lewis or whatever and drop thousands on equipment.

OlaEliza · 19/11/2019 16:42

I wouldn't have a termination if It was suggested to TTC in just 6m time.

There's barely no difference time wise and who's to say it will be easy or successful.

meroyah · 19/11/2019 16:48

A close friend of mine had conceived around a year before her and her partner were planning on ttc, she had a termination that was very traumatising. Six months later she fell pregnant again, they decided to keep it and unfortunately, she had a miscarriage.
The stress of it all ultimately ended up breaking their relationship.

But only you know your relationship and it's strengths/weaknesses. You have to have an open and honest conversation, and you both have to accept how the other feels.

I very much disagree with 'no one can force you to do it' because when your relationship, home and job is at risk, you can be easily persuaded to doing something.

IfWishesWereFishes · 19/11/2019 16:53

I'm trying to think about how you'll feel if you live to, say, 100.

Will you think 'thank god I had a termination and we waited that six months', or will you regret never finding out who that baby was, and moving along to the next baby?

stucknoue · 19/11/2019 17:14

It's ultimately your choice but after reading this earlier I asked my friend who is a nurse practitioner who refers for abortions what the nhs wait time is and she said 10 days to 2 weeks. I'm not sure where you are looking. That said if you are thinking of ttc I would simply go ahead with the pregnancy

Motoko · 19/11/2019 17:40

I think OP must have looked up abortion clinics, rather than going to her GP to ask for one. She said she phoned around, which she wouldn't have needed to do if she went to her doctor's.

But even if she can get an early termination, I don't believe she really, deep down, wants that. I think she's been coerced persuaded by her husband.

FlapAttack23 · 19/11/2019 17:58

Are you willing to not meet a wanted baby for the sake of six months and a handful of logistics which in the grand scheme of these won’t matter much .. I think you’d regret it if you went ahead in those circumstances personally

Halo1234 · 19/11/2019 18:05

You cant be for real. Terminate a 3 month pregnancy in jan the ttc in may Shock keep the baby. Money issues will always be there. Credit card or no credit card there is never the perfect time.

FabulouslyGlamorousReindeer · 19/11/2019 18:13

I'm totally pro choice, terminating and then trying again in 6mths doesn't sit well with me at all.

MumofTinies · 19/11/2019 18:18

Personally I’d be suspicious that in 6 months it still won’t be the right tome, and your dh will have something that needs doing or paying for, then another year goes by and there’s something else

This was my first thought too