Do I have a good enough reason to abort?

[WushyWoo]

Hi all,

This is my first post and I wish it was under better circumstances. Really hoping for some impartial advice. On Tuesday, just 3 days ago, I found out I was pregnant. I've been using the app Natural Cycles and I could see my period was late so I did two tests and voila. But here's the background:

Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 and a half years and moved in together 4 months ago. We have a good stable relationship and love each other very much. Not long into our relationship he told me that he had fertility tests when he was 18 (we're both 31 now) and they found he had a 95% abnormal sperm count. I did a lot of research at the time and read that even though he wasn't infertile, it could take a while for us to get pregnant. Before we moved in together I told him I wanted to come off the pill (cue Natural Cycles) to get my body in a normal routine. You can imagine my shock and surprise when I saw a positive test result just 4 months after using this app. I can count on one hand the amount of times we've had sex in this house because he has been scared to come near me since I was only on the app (which I convinced him was sufficient contraception. Sigh).

He has not taken the news well and is keen to terminate. He believes (which is probably fair) that it is a 60:40 decision of mine and he said he will support me in whatever is decided but that he doesn't feel good about it. He said the timing is all wrong and I totally agree with him on that.

I really didn't anticipate my life going this way, I wanted to be married first and we are looking to buy a house. We're due to go to Cuba on New Years Day (cue ZIKA!) and we have lots of trips planned and paid for in 2019.

He said to me we will make great parents but it's not the right time for us. EXCEPT everyone around me is pregnant. He has a nephew that's nearly 1 and another on the way. A good friend of mine lost her baby at 6 months pregnant this year. Another three of my best friends will all have given birth and while I totally agree with everything he says and see it as an easy way out I can't help but think I will not deal well with being around all these babies knowing I could have had one. I am after all 31 and know my fertility is at risk and can't help feeling a bit blessed that we've got pregnant now. We will never know if it was luck or just that easy for us.

I am so conflicted and would really appreciate some advice. I do have a consultation with a clinic booked but it's not till 2nd January.

It's a baby not an appointment - you can't simply cancel as it doesn't fit in with your plans!!!!!

to you OP.
Firstly, please don't beat yourself up about using 'natural' contraception. You live and learn.
Secondly, get some counselling from BPAS or Marie Stopes. They are extremely helpful.
And finally I often think that when a decision is difficult and there are lots of pluses and minuses in both sides, well either solution is ok and you will be fine.
I had an abortion once, felt 2% regret and 98% relief. I also had a baby as a single parent (didn't plan it that way, caught him being unfaithful when the baby was 8 weeks old). My dd is my world and I have 0 regret. It was hard (very hard) but no doubt the best thing I ever did.
You'll be fine no matter what you decide.

snapped1234
ODFOD

Sweetheart, the only 'good enough' reason you need is that it's your body. If you think an abortion is best due to timing then that's absolutely fine although the feelings will never go away (sorry)

Thank you for all the comments. There’s clearly a bit of a split opinion and I can’t say it makes my decision any either. But it does show to me it’s not an obvious one either way.

To all the people claiming they are pro-choice and calling me ridiculous or insulting my intelligence, you are giving your opinion and “advice” to someone you know based on very few facts. You don’t know how I think about things, you don’t know how past situations have shaped me or how I’m likely to handle things in the future. You write with very little empathy and a lot of judgement. I welcome all views but there’s a difference to providing advice, asking questions and sharing personal stories to being down right rude. You would never say that to someone’s face so why would you say that on here?

@WushyWoo don't get my wrong I am 100% pro life I don't believe in abortion and think if you don't want a baby.... use protection !!! BUUUT what is the point in bringing a baby into the world if you don't want it? If it is going to effect your mental health? If it's going to change your life and not for the better.....

The only person that can answer your question is you!! Having my DD was the best thing I ever did and no holiday/job/house/wedding would EVER compare to her! But that doesn't mean that I haven't given up A LOT to have her in my life....

Don't listen to other people judging you because they don't know you and writing a few words on here doesn't mean they have the right to try and persuade you to keep a baby

@WushyWoo hello OP I have NC for this but a a regular poster.

I had an abortion when I was 23 because I just didn't feel ready. DP and I had been together 3 years, lived together and loved each other but I just didn't feel ready. The abortion was successful and I don't regret it or have any trauma from it at all.

I then got pregnant again a year and a bit later but it felt like the right time (even though I don't think you can ever feel 'ready' to be a parent fully!). DC is now over a year and an amazing child. I still don't regret my termination.

Babies are hard work and testing on your relationship.

PP was right- the only reason you need to have an abortion is just that you don't want to be pregnant.

Because most people don't regret abortions

I have no idea how you came to that. Those who do regret them are not likely to discuss it and I’m not sure there could ever be a study that could find this out.

@PinkAvocado
A quick Google was all it took to find this study from 2015
www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11738082/More-than-95-per-cent-of-women-dont-regret-their-abortions.html

just to clarify Natural Cycles is contraception. It tells you when you are and aren't fertile.

just to clarify contraception stops conception.

No-one else can tell you if you should abort. We had an unplanned pregnancy and DP was initially against continuing with it.
I think it was the shock that made him think like that. He is the most devoted dad and probably does slightly more than his share of childcare.

anotheremma but that’s not going to really be reflective is it? I really don’t believe it is. And even if the actual stars were that or near it, there are still a large number who do regret it and to dismiss that is poor.

No one is dismissing anything.
But you believe what you want, dear.

@AnotherEmma
Presumably the women who were likely to regret an abortion didn't go through with one.

This thread alone is a good example of how women approach abortion differently. For some it's unthinkable and for some it means very little.

Studies about other people don't really matter though do they? That has absolutely nothing to do with the OP, only she can predict if she will regret the decision or not, linking studies about other people is pointless.
Some peoples attitude to abortion is so blazè it's worrying.

Tbh, if you don't want a baby or can't support one then that's a reason. But, it sounds like you do want one?

You're 31 and he has a low sperm count both of which could make conception in a few years more difficult. When does he think is an appropriate time? It's not like you're both 21...

I got pregnant through IVF after 8 years of infertility treatment and felt really nervous and upset at first thinking that it’s wrong time and I’m not ready for this.
Having a child do change your life so many people feel upset, scared and unsure. It’s not about “not wanting a child” it’s more about “not wanting changes.”
I know a few people who had abortions. Those who were able to have children easily afterwards regret much less, those who were not able to have children after or struggled a lot regret much more.

snapped yes you can. Many women have. I’ve had harder times deciding what to have for dinner than I did deciding to have an abortion. Feeling nothing towards it and not seeing it as a big deal is just as valid as people who feel regret or upset. Your comment is of zero help to the OP! Abortion is just as valid an option for her for WHATEVER reason, as is keeping the baby if that’s what she feels is best

just to clarify contraception stops conception.

You do know there’s a failure rate for all contraception, right?

Why did you partner have fertility tests aged 18? Sounds unusual. And as per pps, could he have another sperm test now to check his fertility?

Is there any chance he’s lying?

And how would you feel if you had an abortion now and could never get pg again?

I am pro choice, pro all the choices for all reasons and it is 100% your choice because it is you who has to deal with the medical, physical and emotional impact of whatever choice you make. You don't sound 100% sure either way which is, I suppose, why you posted. No one has babies at the "right time" this is a strange notion people have so try and set that aside completely and if it helps make a cold and logical list. Can you afford a child? Do you want one at all? And so on. Don't suppress your instincts I am the least maternal person on the planet and was shocked when I got pregnant but I was quite ill the day I found out about the pregnancy and the nurse thought it was at risk I and was very protective so I reasoned that my maternal instincts were in there. Perhaps you should ask yourself if this was all taken out of your hands and you were no longer pregnant how would you feel? Sad? Or relieved? Honestly, just trust yourself don't worry about hypothetical future fertility issues or anything like that, that other people in this thread keep talking about. Drown out the noise and go with your gut feeling I think that as long as your true to who you are now even if future you would choose differently you'll find a way to be at peace with your decision.

I was using a very similar app, at the beginning of this year I found out I was pregnant. It was a massive shock and I cried constantly for the first week after finding out. Like you we had many things planned this year, weddings, hen dos, holidays, loads! We didn't make a rash decision and it took me a good couple of months to come round to the idea. Roll on now we have a beautiful healthy perfect baby and I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm so glad we continued with the pregnancy and we were still able to go to the weddings and holidays it was all just a different experience but just as amazing. Take time and think about your options and don't make a rash decision

@WushyWoo hi! Just wanted to add my two cents, I'm on natural cycles and have been for 14months faultlessly. I got pregnant twice on the pill!! It definitely is "proper" contraception. Anyway, I hope you manage to reach a decision you're confident in.

I’m pro choice. I also use the pull out method

So I cannot for the life of me understand how your ‘surprised’ this has happened?!

It’s not a surprise let’s be honest.

If you’re thinking about terminating the pregnancy simply because you have holidays booked then clearly you aren’t emotionally mature enough to be parents.
However I feel like if your partner had been happy about the pregnancy then you wouldn’t have even thought about an abortion

I am pro choice. However I don’t agree with using abortion as a contraceptive.
If you don’t want a baby, then you both need to bloody make sure you don’t fall pregnant!!! You’re 31 fgs, you know how to prevent babies. So please don’t pretend this was a surprise. It wasn’t. It just wasn’t planned.

You’re 31. He has a low sperm count. You obviously want the baby. I think you’ll end up very unhappy if you go with the termination. But whatever you decide, in the future make sure you prevent unwanted pregnancies properly.

...from someone who uses "the pull out method"?!

That's not contraception