Do I have a good enough reason to abort?

[WushyWoo]

Hi all,

This is my first post and I wish it was under better circumstances. Really hoping for some impartial advice. On Tuesday, just 3 days ago, I found out I was pregnant. I've been using the app Natural Cycles and I could see my period was late so I did two tests and voila. But here's the background:

Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 and a half years and moved in together 4 months ago. We have a good stable relationship and love each other very much. Not long into our relationship he told me that he had fertility tests when he was 18 (we're both 31 now) and they found he had a 95% abnormal sperm count. I did a lot of research at the time and read that even though he wasn't infertile, it could take a while for us to get pregnant. Before we moved in together I told him I wanted to come off the pill (cue Natural Cycles) to get my body in a normal routine. You can imagine my shock and surprise when I saw a positive test result just 4 months after using this app. I can count on one hand the amount of times we've had sex in this house because he has been scared to come near me since I was only on the app (which I convinced him was sufficient contraception. Sigh).

He has not taken the news well and is keen to terminate. He believes (which is probably fair) that it is a 60:40 decision of mine and he said he will support me in whatever is decided but that he doesn't feel good about it. He said the timing is all wrong and I totally agree with him on that.

I really didn't anticipate my life going this way, I wanted to be married first and we are looking to buy a house. We're due to go to Cuba on New Years Day (cue ZIKA!) and we have lots of trips planned and paid for in 2019.

He said to me we will make great parents but it's not the right time for us. EXCEPT everyone around me is pregnant. He has a nephew that's nearly 1 and another on the way. A good friend of mine lost her baby at 6 months pregnant this year. Another three of my best friends will all have given birth and while I totally agree with everything he says and see it as an easy way out I can't help but think I will not deal well with being around all these babies knowing I could have had one. I am after all 31 and know my fertility is at risk and can't help feeling a bit blessed that we've got pregnant now. We will never know if it was luck or just that easy for us.

I am so conflicted and would really appreciate some advice. I do have a consultation with a clinic booked but it's not till 2nd January.

It's entirely up to you but you are both grown up people and as he has fertility problems, you may not conceive again so easily.

He has cold feet; that often happens. However, you love each other, you obviously both have good jobs and it's not a bad scene in which to bring a baby. In a few years you'll be able to do at least some of the things you'd hoped to - you'll certainly buy a house - and you will love your child. In fact, you'll both wonder how you ever considered not having her or him.

So I am going to tentatively say, congratulations . I hope your pregnancy and birth go smoothly - you'll save a bomb in cash whilst on mat leave - and your old man will get over his panic.

If you knew the number of men I've heard about, who reacted just like yours at the same news, you'd be amazed. Must be a man thing. They get over it, generally turn into doting fathers.

Good luck.

@whatamidoingwithmylife thank you, it’s reassuring to know you had a similar situation and put up with similar critique. How do you feel now? Do you have lots of babies around you and does that bother you?

@jessstan2 thank you.

The OP is clearly conflicted. That's why she started the thread.
Exactly..
It's hard to say 'This isn't the right time'.
OPs friends have babies and due dates, This is not a reason to have a baby.
The title isn't 'Is this what I want' it's 'Do I have a good enough reason to'
There is a difference between conflicted and needing reassurance OP. Both are ok

The Fertility Awareness Method of contraception, including use of basal body temperature and an app like Natural Cycles IS a legitimate choice and with perfect use has a 99% or so success rate (eg Ladycomp 99.36 clinically proven). One issue is it takes months for the algorithm used to build up enough data about your own cycles, and pregnancies are more likely to occur in this early window. Anyway OP, just to say don’t feel guilty or irresponsible.

Your DP needs to accept that any form of contraception can fail and result in pregnancy, and he shouldn’t be laying blame at your feet. The responsibility lies with him too.

You shouldn’t feel you must have this baby because you’ve been reckless with sex, or something like that.

But I’d say don’t underestimate the potential fertility issues: they can be heartbreaking to deal with, and if you choose not to have this baby, but then cannot conceive later when you want to, how would you feel? How would you then feel about your DP? Particularly if his own fertility issues turn out to be the root of the problem (this is not to say he’d be to blame for that, but the mind can take us to dark places in stressful and upsetting times). Plenty of relationships don’t survive that.

You could book a holiday somewhere special where Zika isn’t an issue; also, small babies are pretty portable, and there’s a certain magic to exploring the world with children (though admittedly it’s a very different sort of holiday!)

It’s good you have a bit of time to think before your appointment in Jan; can you talk to people who know you well, and perhaps even get yourself a counselling session or two, if you can afford to do so? Don’t expect much from the “counselling” at clinic.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Op lilmishap is right. If you feel sure you don’t want this baby, you absolutely have enough reason not to continue with the pregnancy.

If you aren’t sure, then I hope you don’t feel you have to rush into the decision.

Hi @whatamidoingwithmylife, that does sound a bit shit. Sometimes it can be a choice of baby and the unknown alone or no baby and the partner you've chosen. The fact you said you 'let him convince you' concerns me a bit, BUT if you're absolutely sure in your choice of a man who doesn't want children that's a completely valid choice. I don't see how people on your thread (I didn't see it) trying to convince you otherwise is any better. Ultimately YOU made that decision. YOU are happy with the choice you made and if it's the right choice, it's the right choice. There's no moral or social imperative that having children is the only way to fulfilment, so often the opposite is the case. I think the only imperative is that we make our decisions in knowledge and confidence and that the right decision at the time is the right fucking decision.

I would say though, that I have had both medical and surgical terminations. I really didn't find either method particularly troublesome. Unpleasant? Of course. But not too bad either way. I think a medical termination could be problematical if a termination was not a certain decision as there would be a fear of seeing the foetus, but if you were certain about the choice then it's an absolute acceptance of a medical procedure in which certain processes will occur then it's ok.

And I was 34 when I had my first @WushyWoo, 31 is still very young.

I think that when they say 93% effective they should also have to say this means 1 in every 14 women who use this contraceptive method may become pregnant even if they use it correctly.

Because that's what a 7% failure rate means.

If the thought of not having to deal with this brings relief maybe trust yourself.
You got pregnant once despite efforts made not to so his fertility issue isn't a factor you can rely on.

OP, no I don't have babies around me at all but it does seem like every other advert on tv is about pregnancy or children so I guess it does seem more noticeable to me now than before I was pregnant. If I was around babies maybe it would be affecting, but I was never desperate to have children anyway.

It's only been 2 days since the termination so I don't know how it will affect me long term. At the moment I'm more bothered by the increasing pain and the constant bleeding. I guess it will more likely affect me if I decide I want to get pregnant again in future and can't. If this isn't right for you, don't let people guilt you into feeling you ought to keep the baby - but the earlier you make the decision the better, you'll only get more attached or feel more guilty if you wait and wait like I did.

That's one in 14 over A YEAR Lougle, not just incremental over amorphous time.

Contraception failure rates are based on 100 women using a particular method for a year.

@ILikeyourHairyHands I had an awful time with the labour type pains even though I have a high pain threshold and obviously at 12wks, I was worried about seeing my little baby fully formed - there was no chance I wouldn't see it really but I think it did give me a little bit of closure that it was perfectly formed. I'd worried all the way through that it would be deformed as I took medication that is thought to cause birth defects for the first couple of weeks before I knew I was pregnant. Will never know if it was affected in other ways though.

Just want to add my 99% figure is based on perfect use, not typical use. I don't want to make fertility awareness sound more effective than it is.

I think having some professional counselling - ask your GP, its free - is a great idea. I 100% believe in your right to choose, and it’s such an important right.

Lots of women find the decision hard, but if they decide to terminate, they don’t have ongoing issues with it - my understanding (which might be wrong) is that one of the reasons the NHS offers support at this time is women who make a choice from a position of support don’t usually struggle afterwards with a decision to terminate, if that’s what they decide to do. There’s nothing wrong with taking time to make a hard decision.

Try to find some RL support. Lots of friends who have had terminations (and lots who haven’t) but of those who have (often tearfully) chose a termination none of my friends regret it - sometimes they say they wonder “what if” but it wasn’t the right time for them. It’s not something which hangs over them. Having a baby and a child is a huge commitment. It’s your right to choose for a reason.

Good luck whatever decision works for you.

A tiny number of women do find a decision harder but if you speak to a counsellor they

You not wanting to have a baby right now is a perfectly valid reason to terminate a pregnancy. It does not matter why you don't want it right now.

So go with what you think is right for you, as well as him, and potential baby.

One piece of advice I heard is to toss a coin. Obviously don't be so flippant as to decide this way, but choose which option is heads & which tails, and your first reaction when you see it land (resistance or relief) tells you what you really think.

Do take into consideration that it may not be so easy to get pregnant again. And fwiw I had two terminations when using natural contraceptive methods. Get a coil.

95% abnormal sperm count? What if you never get pregnant again? Ok, 2019 is a busy year for you but do you abort your baby out of inconvenience? There never is a ‘perfect’ time to have a baby. I’ve just been told a family member’s much wanted baby is severely disabled so posts like this I find difficult.
It’s youur decision OP but I’d think long and hard.

Thinking "I wish I wasn't pregnant" is not the same as 'I want an abortion". Don't rush into a decision you may regret x

I'm aware of that, ILikeyourHairyHands. My point stands. I think people see 93% effective, and think "that's almost 100%", but if they were told that over the course of a year, 1 in 14 women would become pregnant, I think they would be far less confident in it.

"thank you for your allying and support otherwise I think I would have a mentral breakdown with some of the criticism I’m receiving here."

You are more than welcome.

Unfortunately those comments are pretty common on threads like this and they always make me angry!

FWIW I've never had an abortion or unplanned pregnancy (I've been lucky never to have a contraception failure). I have one DS, planned, and that experience has made me even more passionately pro-choice than I was before. Pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood is damn hard, even when you're sure you want it.

I have supported someone I'm very close to through an unplanned pregnancy and abortion. She was conflicted and I supported her in a neutral way. She did find it difficult and she was upset, but she doesn't regret the abortion - she sometimes thinks about what might have been but she knows that she made the right choice for her.

HTH in some way.

I think that if- at 31- you know that you definitely want a child with this man and that he may well have fertility difficulties in the future, I would keep this baby. It may be a miracle.

Any reason you want is reason enough to abort, but really think about it before you jump to it.

Make the decision based on what you truly want. Not your bf and not strangers on MN.

But i would be concerned about your bf reaction. If he has believed since 18 that he was basically infertile and he has managed to get you pregnant. His first reaction isn't that he's delighted that he can be a dad after all. This suggests he has come to terms with not having children and maybe is happy with that. You need to have an honest talk.

Consider this. If you woke up tomorrow and realised you were miscarrying. Would you feel relief or be upset?

There is never a right time for a baby but don't underestimate how your life changes when that baby comes.

Good points.

Indeed. Do not ever base your choice on bollox on the interweb.

Full disclosure? I've had five abortions.

That's seen as an extreme number. One when I was 19, fucking around with contraception, one at 23 contraception failure. And then three after my children, with my husband. Every one a failure. We used condoms and they split. Three times. I even took the morning after pill thee times.

I don't feel bad.