Do I have a good enough reason to abort?

[WushyWoo]

Hi all,

This is my first post and I wish it was under better circumstances. Really hoping for some impartial advice. On Tuesday, just 3 days ago, I found out I was pregnant. I've been using the app Natural Cycles and I could see my period was late so I did two tests and voila. But here's the background:

Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 and a half years and moved in together 4 months ago. We have a good stable relationship and love each other very much. Not long into our relationship he told me that he had fertility tests when he was 18 (we're both 31 now) and they found he had a 95% abnormal sperm count. I did a lot of research at the time and read that even though he wasn't infertile, it could take a while for us to get pregnant. Before we moved in together I told him I wanted to come off the pill (cue Natural Cycles) to get my body in a normal routine. You can imagine my shock and surprise when I saw a positive test result just 4 months after using this app. I can count on one hand the amount of times we've had sex in this house because he has been scared to come near me since I was only on the app (which I convinced him was sufficient contraception. Sigh).

He has not taken the news well and is keen to terminate. He believes (which is probably fair) that it is a 60:40 decision of mine and he said he will support me in whatever is decided but that he doesn't feel good about it. He said the timing is all wrong and I totally agree with him on that.

I really didn't anticipate my life going this way, I wanted to be married first and we are looking to buy a house. We're due to go to Cuba on New Years Day (cue ZIKA!) and we have lots of trips planned and paid for in 2019.

He said to me we will make great parents but it's not the right time for us. EXCEPT everyone around me is pregnant. He has a nephew that's nearly 1 and another on the way. A good friend of mine lost her baby at 6 months pregnant this year. Another three of my best friends will all have given birth and while I totally agree with everything he says and see it as an easy way out I can't help but think I will not deal well with being around all these babies knowing I could have had one. I am after all 31 and know my fertility is at risk and can't help feeling a bit blessed that we've got pregnant now. We will never know if it was luck or just that easy for us.

I am so conflicted and would really appreciate some advice. I do have a consultation with a clinic booked but it's not till 2nd January.

I can’t have kids - I think it’s only fair to tell you my bias before I give an opinion.

You want kids, just not this soon. You can get married in those two weeks you’re “in Cuba” and call it an elopement if it means that much.

In your shoes I wouldn’t have a termination as you know he’s the right guy. In 5 years time you won’t remenber a time without this baby.

I’ve heard of a lot of people getting pregnant with these apps, they’re not v reliable.

Only you can decide, but things to consider are, can you raise the baby on your own if he decides he doesn't want to be an active dad? Can you afford nursery fees or for one of you to stay at home? But then if you abort now then cannot conceive what would you, or he think?

Aborting because you aren't ready have a child is understandable, but make sure you use proper contraception from now on! Just think through jointly the above in a rational manner. You don't want a child you always think "if only" about.

I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant with a very very surprise baby. I'd been with DP for 8 weeks when I got pregnant. We obviously didn't live together or really know each other as well as we'd have liked (still getting to know each other 30 weeks later!) we seem to be making it work well. I think my situation is different to yours in that abortion was never even a consideration for us. I've always wanted to be a mum, I'd lost a baby 4 years ago and wanted nothing more than my own family. Similar to you, I'm 30 and I felt like it might never happen for me.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that a surprise pregnancy CAN work out, it's difficult at times but so exciting and if you do want to continue with the pregnancy then it will all work itself out. Things always do.
If you do continue with the pregnancy, talk to your midwife about Cuba. I went to Mexico for 2 weeks at 16 weeks pregnant and worried about Zika, but my midwife told me she had no worries about me going.
You haven't said if YOU want a termination? You're the only person that gets to make that decision really.

Ah, yes in that situation I would rethink. You ll find life changes but doesn't need to stop. You can still do trips, just differently.

My dcs are now 6 and almost 4. The fog is clearing and dh are now finally talking about doing the more daring holidays further afield we have always wanted to do over the next few years. Death by AI last few years! So we can't wait. Our plans have been on hold whilst the dcs grow and we sort ourselves out financially but they never got thrown in the bin.

If you feel you wanted to have a baby sometime and your in a secure relationship,financially ok etc then I would go for it. It's just slightly earlier than you anticipated but you will adapt to that. I wouldn't be able to take the risk of not getting pregnant again, everything else can wait.

@Spaghettibol I was on contraception please read the post properly. www.naturalcycles.com/en?campaignid=794745538&adgroupid=50744576617&adid=294286745498&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIxYahmbmx3wIV573tCh0cGwjDEAAYASAAEgJoT_D_BwE

@Ginandsonicscrewdriver thank you, you're right.

@anniehm - thank you!

@TurquoiseWeekend - thank you for sharing. Really about Mexico? The GP already told me they're recommend against Cuba. But that's reassuring.

@1981m - thank you that's reassuring to hear.

Yeah I discussed it with the midwife and she said she had no worries at all about me going. I'm not sure about the guidance for Cuba specifically, but it's worth maybe getting a second opinion. Another lady I know went to Mexico at around 20 weeks and all was fine with her too, but do double check.

@TurquoiseWeekend ok thank you! That would save a whole heap of worry!

It seems to me like you wouldn't be looking for confirmation on this website if you had a strong feeling that you should terminate this pregnancy. It comes across more that your partner has made you doubt yourself.

I got pregnant unexpectedly twice: once at 23 and once at 33. I terminated the first pregnancy which was the right decision in every sense but it still stayed with me emotionally for the whole time before I got pregnant with my son. I had him in February. That situation wasn't ideal either but I really wanted to be a Mum! All I would say is that holidays and a lot of the reasons that you give are very temporary reasons, and missing a holiday probably won't mean much to you in a year or so; but the decision whether or not to carry on with a pregnancy CAN have long reaching consequences emotionally, and you don't want to have regrets.

Op...There's been alot of talk in the news/ social media that the natural cycles app isn't that great at preventing pregnancy. Whether you have a termination or keep the baby, please don't just rely on that app.

I think there is a danger that a termination could end your relationship. You don't seem to want it and I get the sense that you are actually excited to be pregnant. If it's not really what you want, ultimately material things and trips abroad will seem hollow in comparison. I would encourage you to use the Cuba spending money on a small wedding. There doesn't seem to be a very good reason NOT to go forward with the pregnancy.

Natural cycles isn’t contraception. That’s why you got pregnant. I wouldn’t rush into a decision though, give yourself a bit more time. However in 10 years time you won’t look back and regret that you didn’t go to Cuba but you may look back and regret not having the baby......

Ultimately it's your decision. There's no scale of acceptableness for reasons, if you don't want to be pregnant, you don't have to be. Nobody else can judge you.

I think you may be looking at the end of the relationship whether you terminate or not, for different reasons.
Good luck whatever you do

All I would say is that if you are not 100% don't do it - you have time to think and talk about it.

In the OPs defence, “natural cycles” and other apps are being sold as being as reliable as the pill. I know plenty of women using them, they make it out that it’s fool proof but there are lots of factors. Please stop jumping on the OP, the whole app thing should be a complete other trading standards conversation!

@chicken75 are you having a laugh? You do know that men can wear condoms and are just as responsible as a woman for pregnancy?

Blimey! I see the pro-life lobby are out in force. Termination is not dirty, nor does it have to be a secret. It is a perfectly legitimate choice for whatever reason, as long as you are comfortable with your choice and not pressured into it.

I also find the narrative of 'trauma' etc surrounding abortion extremely emotive and damaging to women when they are making this choice. It can be traumatic, particularly if the woman is coerced or unsure about her choices. It can also be a decision that is entirely positive and comes with nothing but a feeling of relief.

I've had more than one abortion over nearly 30 years of active sexual and fertile life. I feel nothing but a sense of relief that that option was open to me. I certainly don't feel regret or in any way traumatised by living in a society where I am lucky to have these choices (provided with no -judgemental care by the medical professionals involved, to the PP who said OP's GP would be 'disgusted').

Anyway OP, it's ultimately up to you what you decide, but if you do decide to terminate do not see it as shameful or dirty. It's an entirely pragmatic and positive decision if that's what you choose.

Think very carefully about if you want your boyfriend in your life forever, even if he decides he can't cope with being a parent. That's what will happen if you have a baby with him. Natural Cycles is not contraception and I'll never understand why so many people have babies in new and untested relationships then find themselves single parents (one fucked up nephew and the mother's got another on the way with a new partner of six months, so I might be biased). If he's not prepared to marry you, walk away because he won't be prepared to parent with you either.

Agree with everything ILike says. I have had a termination and don’t feel any negative emotions around it or regret, if anything I’m just thankful that it was so easily accessible. Personally I’d regret not going to Cuba more than I’d regret an abortion, but that’s me - the point is, there is no threshold of acceptable reasoning one has to meet to terminate. There doesn’t need to be a profound and emotive reason. ‘I changed my mind’ or ‘actually I’ve decided I just really like sleeping’ or ‘I’d rather get a dog’ are just as acceptable as anything more serious. FFS mummy there are no ‘innocent lives’ involved, there is a cluster of cells which is not a sentient being. The only person who can answer the question of whether it’s the right thing to do is the OP. From what she’s said she is not averse to being pregnant so the decision needs more thought

I am 33 and expecting my first. We were "not trying not to" but really didn't expect it so quick (stopped contraception early August, conceived late September)!
I so want to be a mum, but I am still freaking out about maybe not being ready after all.... I don't think that would ever not be the case!

And this is after an abortion at 19 that I immediately regretted and still wish I hadn't rushed in to. Do not under estimate the psychological effects it can have if you are not 100% sure.

It is your choice and only yours (ultimately). Nobody has any right to judge you (although some will). Please just be sure.

@ILikeyourHairyHands @snoutandab0ut @AuntMarch - thank you for your honesty and your responses. This is exactly why I came here.

Whatever anyone else is saying, NaturalCycles IS labelled as contraception and supposedly medically proven so I will not tolerate people saying I'm irresponsible when I simply switched contraception. YES it wasn't effective. But that doesn't mean there wasn't intent in there.

Very well said @ILikeyourHairyHands

Good post @ilikeyourhairyhands, the one thing I would say though is although it is not shameful or dirty or anything negative to have an abortion, there are some women who regret it and that is a legitimate feeling and emotion. Personally, it’s not something I would do (as unlikely as it is that I’ll ever be pregnant, but also before the infertility) because I know I would regret it, particularly in this situation.

One thing Im curious about OP, does your parter believe he doesn’t need to use condoms?