Do I have a good enough reason to abort?

[WushyWoo]

Hi all,

This is my first post and I wish it was under better circumstances. Really hoping for some impartial advice. On Tuesday, just 3 days ago, I found out I was pregnant. I've been using the app Natural Cycles and I could see my period was late so I did two tests and voila. But here's the background:

Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 and a half years and moved in together 4 months ago. We have a good stable relationship and love each other very much. Not long into our relationship he told me that he had fertility tests when he was 18 (we're both 31 now) and they found he had a 95% abnormal sperm count. I did a lot of research at the time and read that even though he wasn't infertile, it could take a while for us to get pregnant. Before we moved in together I told him I wanted to come off the pill (cue Natural Cycles) to get my body in a normal routine. You can imagine my shock and surprise when I saw a positive test result just 4 months after using this app. I can count on one hand the amount of times we've had sex in this house because he has been scared to come near me since I was only on the app (which I convinced him was sufficient contraception. Sigh).

He has not taken the news well and is keen to terminate. He believes (which is probably fair) that it is a 60:40 decision of mine and he said he will support me in whatever is decided but that he doesn't feel good about it. He said the timing is all wrong and I totally agree with him on that.

I really didn't anticipate my life going this way, I wanted to be married first and we are looking to buy a house. We're due to go to Cuba on New Years Day (cue ZIKA!) and we have lots of trips planned and paid for in 2019.

He said to me we will make great parents but it's not the right time for us. EXCEPT everyone around me is pregnant. He has a nephew that's nearly 1 and another on the way. A good friend of mine lost her baby at 6 months pregnant this year. Another three of my best friends will all have given birth and while I totally agree with everything he says and see it as an easy way out I can't help but think I will not deal well with being around all these babies knowing I could have had one. I am after all 31 and know my fertility is at risk and can't help feeling a bit blessed that we've got pregnant now. We will never know if it was luck or just that easy for us.

I am so conflicted and would really appreciate some advice. I do have a consultation with a clinic booked but it's not till 2nd January.

I really think holidays are not a good reason to abort. And in terms of feeling ‘ready’, I’m not sure many people ever do feel ready but when that little baby comes along you fall in love and they are your priority and you get on with it. If you really don’t want a baby now then fair enough but if that’s the case you really need to use more reliable contraception - natural trackers are not exactly known for being foolproof! Just have a good think about how you may feel if you do terminate and then 5 years down the line you’re struggling to conceive, like you say with your partners fertility issues it may not be easy to get pregnant again (or it may be very easy, who knows?!) I was told I would have difficulty conceiving as well and I ended up getting pregnant by accident (just before we got married so stable relationship) and we were shocked and yes we had things planned and I had to change some things around, we weren’t technically ‘ready’ but it was the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m thankful every day that I didn’t go through years of struggle to conceive like I thought I would do. If you want children eventually then a little earlier than planned won’t make any difference in the long run!

You don't need to have a 'good enough' reason to terminate. Not wanting to have a baby in 7/8 months time is good enough.

And you don't need to let your oh have 40% input into the decision. He handed over responsibility 100% to you when he handed over contraceptive responsibility to you.

But if you do want dc with him at some point in the near future and you have fertility concerns, then I would take a few weeks to weigh this decision up against the immediate holiday plans. Think how you would feel in a year, or 5 or 10 years time if you went to Cuba & wherever else next year. Then failed to conceive naturally.

Take some time to think about it.

31 is really not young to have a baby, it's actually quite old and with a partner with who has a low sperm count . I think if you ever want a baby then the time is now. I am totally pro-choice and if you don't want the baby then please don't have a baby-an unwanted baby is a terrible thing. I am just thinking perhaps your feeling of not being ready is actually just natural panic at the surprise and lack of confidence? Because if it's simply a matter of slightly bad timing, then it's probably not enough of a reason if you do want a baby soon because you may never get another chance, speaking as someone who struggled to get pregnant. If it's lack of confidence, then you will be fine I promise x

"I really think holidays are not a good reason to abort."

Of course they are. If someone wants the freedom to go on holiday as opposed to going through pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood (yes you can still go on holiday but it's NOT the same) then that's a perfectly valid reason to end a pregnancy.

Of course there are other factors to consider that the OP and PPs have mentioned. But it's noone's place to judge whether a woman's reason for terminating is "good enough".

Every child deserves to be a wanted child.

Can I ask why your partner had his fertility checked at 18 OP? It's rather unusual unless he was donating sperm (which a number of my University friends did as a nice little earner before legislation was introduced to prevent donors being anonymous to any future progeny!).

It wasn't a ruse to forego barrier methods of contraception was it?

You can make whatever decision you feel is best for you- there are no reasons that aren't "good enough". I do get the sense that you'd be going through with the pregnancy happily if your partner was more keen though. Tbh the fact that he knows he has fertility issues and is unhappy about the pregnancy is a bit of a red flag for me. Does he definitely want children? Could it be that he thought he was infertile and was happy with that but let you think he'd like kids because he thought it wouldn't happen? Really I think if I were you I'd think hard about how I'd feel if you couldn't conceive again in the future, either because he couldn't or wouldn't.

I was wondering the same thing hairyhands. Sounds like a good way to put the responsibility onto his partner.

I think the fact that you're asking is perhaps a little giveaway that you're not wanting an abortion. Just my observation! However, if you do then that's good enough reason to go ahead.

It's a massive thing to come to terms with when completely unexpected so give yourself time.

I must say thought that as someone who experienced fertility issues, please do consider your situation. It may not be easy for you to get pregnant again.

Whatever your decision, best of luck & take care.

Generally speaking, men have the freedom to walk out of familie units far more than women. How would you feel if he left, OP and you’d had an abortion? Doing what he wants is not guarantee of him sticking around.

It's your body, your choice. Having sex was a joint decision, contraception was (or should have been) a joint decision, but this is not. You may well want to consider his feelings but this is your decision. If you want to continue with the pregnancy you should not have an abortion because it's what he wants

This.

If I were in your situation, I wouldn't.

You don't need a good enough reason to have a termination you just need to want one.
Do you want one more than a baby? If aren't sure go for some counseling before making your decision.
However unfair your dh thinks it is, it is solely your decision.

A few people are jumping on those commenting on holidays not being a ‘good’ reason to terminate and I think the point is that the OP is obviously not at all sure about wanting a termination (it sounds like it possibly wouldn’t even be a consideration if her partner was happy about the pregnancy) so as the OP is weighing up reasons for and against in her mind then yes she does need to consider what SHE feels is a ‘good enough’ reason to terminate, otherwise it may haunt her forever. For some people holiday plans would be a good enough reason and for some people they wouldn’t. Both opinions are allowed, not just the former.

@ilikeyourhairyhands @ginandsonicscrewdriver actually it’s more innocent than that. He had a girlfriend who claimed she was on the pill but secretly was trying to get pregnant and after 6 months she admitted it and he got tested. Call me naïve but his Mum told me the same story.

Yes we talked about condoms but the app is labelled DIGITAL CONTRACEPTION. It tells you when to abstaine which is what we did.

Don’t terminate. I was in a similar position to you, although my partner was a bit more understanding. There is never a good time to have a baby and I don’t think anyone is ever really ready. If you’re not 100% set on an abortion I think you’d have some regret over it and that could last a lifetime.

There are no good or bad reasons to have an abortion. It is very much your choice.
Having said that your post does Read and pardon me if I am wrong, like you want us to convince you that having an abortion is the right thing or that your reasons are ‘right’,
I have had two planned pregnancies and both times I have sobbed and thought WTF. (Actually I lie, I have had 3- one ended in a horrendous late miscarriage). But the point is no one feels ‘prepared’ to be a parent. The shock is normal.
The thing you have to ask yourself is this: do you ever see yourself as a parent? If you do and your partner has fertility issues then I would think about this carefully. I have experienced infertility and it is horrendous. Don’t have an abortion for him. Have an abortion if parenthood/motherhood just simply doesn’t appeal.

I wish people would stop going on about regretting an abortion.

Some women regret abortions, some women don't.

Some people regret having a child!!! It's a taboo subject so it's not something people often admit to - at least not in real life. But it happens.

I know which I'd rather regret!

I'm very close to someone who terminated when they weren't really sure, the relationship broke down, it took years to get into a relationship where they were both ready for kids and then she had years of infertility. She did start a family after years of misery and IVF treatment. Infertility is awful, but the termination overshadowed everything and twisted it into something even worse.

I've had infertility myself and I can't read your situation without seeing it through those eyes. I'd say this is the moment where you both work out how much you want children and whether you want them with each other. Would you want to bring this child up on your own if that's how it goes? You both thought you had a bit more time before you had to face that. Now you don't, which is tough, but you would be wise to get over that and face it like grown ups. Ask your BF how he would feel if you terminated and later he never got anyone pregnant again. How would you feel if this was your chance at having a baby? Some people can make their peace with not having kids, some can't,

People who say your life will still go on - I'd say that depends on luck. Some kids can go backpacking to foreign climes, but lots can't. One in twenty kids have additional needs and that will make your life very different. Life doesn't go according to plan.

You have a lot to weigh up. I wish you well.

Yes we talked about condoms but the app is labelled DIGITAL CONTRACEPTION. It tells you when to abstaine which is what we did.a

It was in the Guardian in the Summer because it's being taken to court. The failure rate is astronomical. It's based on the fertility of the founder; with minor algorithm changes; it does not work at contraception for a lot of people who try it and there's a huge amount of error that goes into the temping too. Whatever you decide; I'd use a better method afterwards.

I would have the baby if I were you. I'm keen to do things the "right" way too; but you're 31 and he has poor sperm quality. This could very well be your now or never baby. He's already somewhat used to the idea that he may not have children; he found out at 18, but you'd be giving up potential children unless he'd be happy you using donor sperm. I am 28 and in your circumstances; I'd be keeping the baby and moving the holiday to Mexico or somewhere similar which is considered safer (but get medical advice on that incase it's changed).

Not much help but my DH and his ex struggled to get pregnant, she had PCOS and they told him that his sperm was basically dead no matter what they did to it they couldn't get it moving, fast forward to us being together he took vitamins and we got pregnant first cycle! He was so shocked he smacked his head of a cupboard....

You need to do what is best for YOU and your mental health.

Having a baby is incredibly hard work. I wouldn’t do it out of fear of missing out in the future. It sounds to me that like most people you would like to marry have holidays and buy a house which is what the majority of people do where I live. Of course some people do it alone don’t own houses etc but having that security in my opinion does help. I wouldn’t feel bad for not going ahead now or worry about other people having babies. There’s nothing to feel guilty about.

I imagine OP would find herself a bloke without apparent fertility issues High and thank her lucky stars he didn't fuck off and leave her holding the baby.

I honestly don't know what you want to do OP, you seem quite ambivalent and it's ultimately only for you to decide given the many variables. I do know though, that on these threads there are always posters that are strangely over-invested in encouraging women to go through with pregnancies that the OP is unsure about.

There's always a strong, 'No baby is a bad thing', 'You will love it as soon as it's born' rhetoric. The number of children in care or simply parented by disinterested mothers and fathers would dispute these statements. And many children are born to mothers who don't immediately fall in love with their child, some do eventually and some never do, but I'm sure in many cases, the promulgated 'truisms' above contribute to PND and feelings of failure and alienation when the mother fails to feel what she's meant to feel.

I think we need to reframe the whole discussion surrounding pregnancy choices and childbirth. There is no right, wrong, or certain way to feel and talking about certainties can often prevent women from seeking help as they feel their feelings are abnormal and wrong.

Another excellent post, I agree with every word!

And yes, what AnotherEmma just said (I got side-tracked whilst posting and took an age!).