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Pregnancy choices

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Original poster

Do I have a good enough reason to abort?

200 replies

WushyWoo · 21/12/2018 15:38

Hi all,

This is my first post and I wish it was under better circumstances. Really hoping for some impartial advice. On Tuesday, just 3 days ago, I found out I was pregnant. I've been using the app Natural Cycles and I could see my period was late so I did two tests and voila. But here's the background:

Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 and a half years and moved in together 4 months ago. We have a good stable relationship and love each other very much. Not long into our relationship he told me that he had fertility tests when he was 18 (we're both 31 now) and they found he had a 95% abnormal sperm count. I did a lot of research at the time and read that even though he wasn't infertile, it could take a while for us to get pregnant. Before we moved in together I told him I wanted to come off the pill (cue Natural Cycles) to get my body in a normal routine. You can imagine my shock and surprise when I saw a positive test result just 4 months after using this app. I can count on one hand the amount of times we've had sex in this house because he has been scared to come near me since I was only on the app (which I convinced him was sufficient contraception. Sigh).

He has not taken the news well and is keen to terminate. He believes (which is probably fair) that it is a 60:40 decision of mine and he said he will support me in whatever is decided but that he doesn't feel good about it. He said the timing is all wrong and I totally agree with him on that.

I really didn't anticipate my life going this way, I wanted to be married first and we are looking to buy a house. We're due to go to Cuba on New Years Day (cue ZIKA!) and we have lots of trips planned and paid for in 2019.

He said to me we will make great parents but it's not the right time for us. EXCEPT everyone around me is pregnant. He has a nephew that's nearly 1 and another on the way. A good friend of mine lost her baby at 6 months pregnant this year. Another three of my best friends will all have given birth and while I totally agree with everything he says and see it as an easy way out I can't help but think I will not deal well with being around all these babies knowing I could have had one. I am after all 31 and know my fertility is at risk and can't help feeling a bit blessed that we've got pregnant now. We will never know if it was luck or just that easy for us.

I am so conflicted and would really appreciate some advice. I do have a consultation with a clinic booked but it's not till 2nd January.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 22/12/2018 00:30

Sorry to hear about this, I had a termination after a boyfriend told me he was definitely infertile. Turned out to be a big fat lie on his part.
Turns out he'd told numerous girlfriends this for some reason only known to him.
I'd take him off to the docs for a sperm test and insist on reading the results before making a decision.

madcatladyforever · 22/12/2018 00:31

And also you only abort if YOU want to. It is your body and your decision, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

C0untDucku1a · 22/12/2018 00:42

If you plan on staying with him, and he has such poor spern quality, would you be ok with not getting pregnant again?

Singlenotsingle · 22/12/2018 00:48

One baby isn't a huge life change. It's not too expensive, difficult or disruptive. It's when the second one comes along that you really feel it. So stop at one.

Ginandsonicscrewdriver · 22/12/2018 00:48

One baby isn't a huge life change

You’re being facetious I assume?

ILikeyourHairyHands · 22/12/2018 00:52

Ha!

Kintan · 22/12/2018 01:03

Hmm this is a difficult decision because of your partner’s fertility issues. Can you get his fertility actually checked out to determine whether this pregnancy is a one in a million fluke that is unlikely to be repeated again? This may (or may not!) be your one chance to become a mother, so this aspect would be something that would weigh heavily in my mind in your situation. Good luck with whatever you decide

PinkAvocado · 22/12/2018 03:19

I wish people would stop going on about regretting an abortion

Really?! People shouldn’t say they regretted theirs? How is that at all balanced?

faithinthesound · 22/12/2018 03:21

I think the only reason you need is that you don't want to carry this baby to term/don't want to raise a child now (or ever? Up to you). It's your body. It should be your choice how to use it.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 22/12/2018 04:19

Because most people don't regret abortions...

mrsgumpy · 22/12/2018 05:51

I am still going through the thread but one phrase struck me - when you said you see abortion as "an easy way out"

Trust me, abortion is in no way an easy way out. I had one three weeks ago and have been almost crippled with grief. Noone undertakes one lightly.

If you don't want to be pregnant, that is a good enough reason to have an abortion but do think carefully about your decision (as I am sure you will) as the regret can be huge if it wasn't 100% your decision.

Good luck!

LEMtheoriginal · 22/12/2018 06:03

So let me get this straight? You wanted a baby but not right now. You used "contraception" that was as effective as crossing your fingers and now you are pregnant. Your DP is supposedly 95% infertile and because the baby you are carrying doesn't fit in with your plans you are considering an abortion?

Ooookay

Oliversmumsarmy · 22/12/2018 06:04

Timing given you appear to be a stable couple is not a reason to terminate.

You have to look at your age.

At 31 if now isn’t the right time then when will be.

You have a window of only 4 years when you could get pregnant then with his sperm count and your fertility which could fall off a cliff.

This could be the only chance you get.

You could make this work.

Or is timing going to always be an issue with him

mrsgumpy · 22/12/2018 06:51

I have now read the full thread. It is a great thread for traversing the debate and I have learnt a lot from Emma and ILikeYourHairyHands. As I said, I had a termination 3 weeks ago at 14 weeks. I had already had two scans and was very attached to the baby. But my DH didn't want it and said it would ruin his mental health and our family. I am not sure our relationship will ever recover. If it does, it will take a lot of work. Please make sure it is 100% your decision (easier said than done, I know) otherwise don't expect your relationship to go back to what it was.
Please get some good abortion counselling.
Good luck in your decision.

AnotherEmma · 22/12/2018 07:08

"You have a window of only 4 years when you could get pregnant then with his sperm count and your fertility which could fall off a cliff."

This is utter nonsense. Fertility does not "fall off a cliff" at 35. It declines gradually, as I already said.

mrsgrumpy Flowers

Oliversmumsarmy · 22/12/2018 07:24

But with it declining and his sperm count it could represent a step too far in getting pregnant again.

I was trying to say that given ops dp doesn’t want to go ahead because of timing I was wondering when would the timing be right

2019 is all about holidays then 2020 Saving for a wedding. 2021 Getting married, 2022 saving for a house 2023 buying a house. Then it might be the right time but op would be then 36.

If it doesn’t happen immediately then there is ivf and saving for that.

Given her dps issues I would say now was the right time.

Wallywobbles · 22/12/2018 07:32

If this were to turn out to be your only chance of a kid with this man would it still be right to terminate. I was pregnant in nearly identical circumstances but 3 years older, 7 months pregnant when I got married. Changed honeymoon destination.

2 kids in 2 years and divorced 2 years later. I'd still do it my way.

Mammyofasuperbaby · 22/12/2018 07:33

Op this is 100% your decision.
You only found out a few days ago so please let the news settle before rushing into anything.
Its perfectly normal to panic, I myself panicked when I found out I was pregnant with my second. This was after over a year of ttc, I was worried about everything and even if it was the right thing for us.

loveskaka · 22/12/2018 07:34

You should never rely on a app to track your periods/ovulation that is just really stupid. Some people dnt ovulate the same time every month so there no possible way a app can tell u that. I think for some one in a loving, stable relationship etc shouldn't terminate a baby becos time isn't right etc. There isn't really a perfect time to do most things but you do adjust. Also you kinda planned this as u came off contraception. It may come the 'perfect' time and you could struggle to conceive, for what? A matter off a few years? I think by what ur saying it's clear what YOU want but ur trying to please your partner. Your the one that will suffer. X

loveskaka · 22/12/2018 07:42

There can be many reason for your temperature change. X

BigBumandMumTum · 22/12/2018 07:50

Not wanting to have a baby for whatever reason is a good enough reason

Verbena87 · 22/12/2018 07:50

I’ve nothing to add regarding abortion - you need to talk and think and do what’s best for you.

However, I have used natural family planning to avoid conception (for about a year, in my 20s, both fertile) and if you want to continue using it after your pregnancy you need to properly research the method (Toni weschler’s book has some very anecdotal ‘evidence’ stories, but the actual information it contains is good) - you shouldn’t rely on temperature alone; you need to cross refer with observations of your cervical position/texture, and your cervical mucus. You also need to temp at the same time every morning after at least 6 hours sleep and before you’ve sat up/moved too much (hence as mum to a cosleeping breastfeeding baby, I am on the pill at the moment!!)

CowJumping · 22/12/2018 08:04

I’m pregnant and I don’t want to be” is a good enough reason to have an abortion.

This.

This is sufficient reason. The rest is just guilt-inducing old-fashioned shaming of a woman for simply being a woman.

No contraception is 100% effective so an unintended pregnancy can happen to any woman of reproductive age who’s having heterosexual sex.

So stop with the judgement.

BearToWin · 22/12/2018 08:07

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Yulebealrite · 22/12/2018 08:23

What would you regret more?
Giving up your current lifestyle or doing it then finding out you can't have children later?

There is no right or wrong answer. Only you can decide. We can't decide for you.