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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Do I have a good enough reason to abort?

200 replies

WushyWoo · 21/12/2018 15:38

Hi all,

This is my first post and I wish it was under better circumstances. Really hoping for some impartial advice. On Tuesday, just 3 days ago, I found out I was pregnant. I've been using the app Natural Cycles and I could see my period was late so I did two tests and voila. But here's the background:

Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 and a half years and moved in together 4 months ago. We have a good stable relationship and love each other very much. Not long into our relationship he told me that he had fertility tests when he was 18 (we're both 31 now) and they found he had a 95% abnormal sperm count. I did a lot of research at the time and read that even though he wasn't infertile, it could take a while for us to get pregnant. Before we moved in together I told him I wanted to come off the pill (cue Natural Cycles) to get my body in a normal routine. You can imagine my shock and surprise when I saw a positive test result just 4 months after using this app. I can count on one hand the amount of times we've had sex in this house because he has been scared to come near me since I was only on the app (which I convinced him was sufficient contraception. Sigh).

He has not taken the news well and is keen to terminate. He believes (which is probably fair) that it is a 60:40 decision of mine and he said he will support me in whatever is decided but that he doesn't feel good about it. He said the timing is all wrong and I totally agree with him on that.

I really didn't anticipate my life going this way, I wanted to be married first and we are looking to buy a house. We're due to go to Cuba on New Years Day (cue ZIKA!) and we have lots of trips planned and paid for in 2019.

He said to me we will make great parents but it's not the right time for us. EXCEPT everyone around me is pregnant. He has a nephew that's nearly 1 and another on the way. A good friend of mine lost her baby at 6 months pregnant this year. Another three of my best friends will all have given birth and while I totally agree with everything he says and see it as an easy way out I can't help but think I will not deal well with being around all these babies knowing I could have had one. I am after all 31 and know my fertility is at risk and can't help feeling a bit blessed that we've got pregnant now. We will never know if it was luck or just that easy for us.

I am so conflicted and would really appreciate some advice. I do have a consultation with a clinic booked but it's not till 2nd January.

OP posts:
Lymphy · 21/12/2018 16:22

It’s your decision, but IMO from what you have posted I’m not sure you really do want to terminate, you must be 100% if your uncertain and proceed it really could have a negative impact on your mental health, your DP has had a shock especially if he thought he was infertile, talk to him again. I’m a contraceptive nurse by trade and this is why natural family planning methods ain’t great,
Best wishes OP x

GeorgeTheHippo · 21/12/2018 16:22

Telling you when you are and are not fertile isn't contraception! But I guess you know that now.

There is never a perfect time to have a child. If you are certain that you want to have children with this man then I think you need seriously to consider keeping this one.

Or is his attitude now making you unsure about him? Children are pretty inconvenient, and for an awful long time...

Original poster
WushyWoo · 21/12/2018 16:23

@AnxiousMama101, @Santasushi - thank you, that's exactly why I cam here.

AnxiousMama101 - how long did it take before you adjusted?

OP posts:
WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 21/12/2018 16:24

It isn't contraception. You were foolish to come off medicinal contraception and then be 'shocked and surprised' you're pregnant. It's quite ridiculous.

I think YABU to abort a life in these circumstances, holidays can be re-arranged, with your partners problems this might be your only chance to have a child

AnotherEmma · 21/12/2018 16:25

Can I suggest that you get this thread moved to the Pregnancy Choices topic. I think/hope the replies are likely to be more neutral there. You've had some neutral ones and some biased ones here, and personally I think it's wrong to pressure someone either way.

"He believes (which is probably fair) that it is a 60:40 decision of mine"

Nope. It's your body, your choice. Having sex was a joint decision, contraception was (or should have been) a joint decision, but this is not. You may well want to consider his feelings but this is your decision. If you want to continue with the pregnancy you should not have an abortion because it's what he wants. However, if you don't want to continue with the pregnancy, it's absolutely fine to have an abortion. There is nothing wrong with that and you don't need a "good enough" reason.

Original poster
WushyWoo · 21/12/2018 16:26

@RCohle - thank you and sorry to hear about your fertility issues. As I mentioned I have friends struggling to conceive so if I did terminate I feel this would just be my dirty little secret.

@Lymphy - I guess I am not 100% certain on terminating. And you're right I would NOT recommend Natural Cycles for people not trying to get pregnant!

OP posts:
Original poster
WushyWoo · 21/12/2018 16:28

@AnotherEmma thank you!! How do I move it? You're right I came here for impartial advice and not to listen to those who are so obviously not listening to me.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 21/12/2018 16:28

Oh and I forgot to say, if you're not sure please contact BPAS or Marie Stopes and ask about counselling. Just to talk it through with someone trained and impartial.

furrysheep · 21/12/2018 16:29

If you want an abortion that is reason enough.
However because of your partners fertility issues I would be considering how you would feel if you couldn't get pregnant again or if it was very difficult and you needed IVF etc.
But if you don't feel the time is right and want an abortion there is no shame in that. Do what is best for you.

Lymphy · 21/12/2018 16:30

you Know you could ring BPAS I’ve referred many a lady in your situation, they are trained midwives and nurses and councillors, they could talk to you about all your options, they can’t tell you what to decide but they could certainly help

AnxiousMama101 · 21/12/2018 16:30

@WushyWoo Honestly, from finding out I was pregnant (at week one I might add!) we knew we had to keep the baby. I got major PTSD from the termination and I just couldn't go through another; we were going to try for a baby in a year, this little guy just wanted to come early!

When I had that first scan at 13 weeks, everything changed. Seeing the baby on screen solidified everything for us. Then when we had the early gender scan at 16 weeks and found out it was a boy, I've never looked back.
I'm due 1st Jan and I'm so excited to meet him.
Grin

Lymphy · 21/12/2018 16:31

AnotherEmma You took the words out of my mouth!

Neverunderfed · 21/12/2018 16:31

If he has fertility issues to that degree and isn't jumping at this I would suggest he isn't that fussed on parenthood full stop.

The decision isn't even 60/40...more like 99.9/0.01 tbh. You don't need to have a 'good enough' reason, just one that is good enough for you. It doesn't sound like you think you do.

AnotherEmma · 21/12/2018 16:32

To get the thread moved you can report it to MNHQ and asked them to move it. I've reported it for you. But for future reference, to report a post you click/tap the three dots (...) in the bottom right corner, then click/tap Report.

BiscuitDrama · 21/12/2018 16:32

I think I’d probably want an updated figure on my partner’s fertility. That’s taking a very logical approach though, which is the way I work.
If it was possible to get another fertility test done quickly would the result affect how you feel? For me, if it was up a bit or down a bit from the original 95% it might make a difference.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/12/2018 16:38

A holiday can be moved, lots of places are fine to go to pregnant. The other trips, again pregnant or with a small baby, probably manageable or refundable.

Move the holiday, keep the appt but talk, talk, talk.

Did you plan on having kids with him at some point? You said you wanted to be married first, are you engaged, is there a time scale? If you never fell pregnant again would you be OK with that? Could you afford IVF?

Can you financially afford the basics for a child?

Will he leave ypou / resent the baby if you keep it?

Will you resent him if you don't?

You don't need a GOOD ENOUGH reason, but you do need to be sure. You can't undo an abortion.

MNHQ
JoanneMumsnet · 21/12/2018 16:40

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our Pregnancy Choices topic, at the OP's request.

Starlight456 · 21/12/2018 16:42

I don’t get how it is 60/ 40.

It is your decision.

I would also put in there that due to abnormal sperm you have no idea if this is your only chance to have a baby with him . Do consider that before making a decision

ChipsAreLife · 21/12/2018 16:43

Let it sink in. All unplanned pregnancies are a huge shock. I had one after eight years together, married, house blah blah. I burst into tears and couldn't face it. My first thoughts were the plans we had, weddings, holidays etc. But those are all practical reasons. You can still go away and have fun pregnant and with children. After a week or so I got my head around it and thought the main thing is we love each other, have a good relationship and can afford it. Everything else can be worked out.

My advice is give it a bit of time and don't rush into a decision. And also it's exactly how I feel pregnant! Bloody apps 😔 wish you the best either way

snoutandab0ut · 21/12/2018 16:48

There’s no such thing as a ‘good reason’ to have an abortion - whatever reason you feel you want one is enough, and yes, that absolutely includes inconvenience or because you’d rather go on holiday and not have a baby. However, you’re not sure you want an abortion, thats the crux of the matter here. If you decide to terminate, you don’t need to justify that with a ‘compelling’ reason. As others have said, not wanting to be pregnant is enough. But if you think there is a chance you DO want to be pregnant, give it some thought before making a decision

ADastardlyThing · 21/12/2018 17:00

"I hate "it's your body it's your choice" so much! You'll be jumping on the man if that was the case and he decided to leave calling him all sorts but surely that's he's choice then? No?"

It's true though, ops body, ops choice. And fwiw I don't believe anyone should be forced to be a parent if they don't want to, as long as they support the child they helped create in their upbringing financially.

1981m · 21/12/2018 17:03

I don't understand why you can't go to Cuba. I would go if you were keeping the baby. I would treat it as a final baby moon before the baby arrives and have an amazing time. You can go on holiday when you're pregnant, depending on the dates of your other holidays you might want to rethink them. So I wouldn't have a termination because of holidays, no.

Is anyone ready for a baby? I got pregnant at 31, we were trying at the time, but when I found out I was pregnant and it was a reality I thought shit what have I done! I didn't feel ready to be a mum or the responsibility of it but just went with it. It's amazing and worth missing out on holidays.

If I had fertility problems and wanted a baby at some point I would 100% have this baby.

PinkAvocado · 21/12/2018 17:06

I am after all 31 and know my fertility is at risk and can't help feeling a bit blessed that we've got pregnant now

This is how you feel. So I don’t think you have a good enough reason to go against what you feel. Your partner’s pressures do not trump this.

Original poster
WushyWoo · 21/12/2018 17:12

@1981m there's still a Zika threat in Cuba otherwise trust me I would 100% be going!

OP posts:
Spaghettibol · 21/12/2018 17:19

How can you have unprotected sex for 4 months then be surprised you’re pregnant? What were you expecting ? A microwave ?