My son has got a girl pregnant

[Starling38]

I’m hoping for some advice. My son has got a girl pregnant and we’re devastated.
It’s a long story but I’ll try to brief..
my 25 year old son was in a loving relationship for nine years. He adored the girl and proposed marriage. She accepted, but then a few months later she left him for somebody else.
My son fell apart and had a serious emotional breakdown. We brought him home, looked after him and saw him through. He began to do a lot better and planned himself a new future that includes following his interests at university with the aim of finding a good job at the end.

In the meantime he moved in with his sister (younger by one year) and her housemate as it was closer to his college. He began a casual relationship with the housemate but made it clear he wasn’t looking for a relationship. The girl is now pregnant. She told him she was on the pill (although there’s now some doubt over that) but as I’ve explained to my son, if he didn’t want to be a father he should have used a condom. He acknowledges that and is angry with himself for being so irresponsible.

The girl has told him she knows he doesn’t want this, but she’s keeping it regardless and doesn’t mind if he’s not involved. (Apparently the girl has wanted a baby for a long time despite not being in a loving and commuted relationship.

We’re devastated for everyone concerned, especially the poor unborn child.

These are the issues:

1. My son does not love the girl
2. He does not want to be a father
3. The girl’s life style choices aren’t compatible with bringing a baby into the world. She smokes and drinks heavily and is continuing this through the pregnancy. She is also incapable of keeping a house clean and tidy and lives in messy and unhygienic conditions. My husband and I are devastated as this is not how we wanted our first grandchild to arrive.
4. There are two large dogs in the house. (This terrifies me!)
5. Our son and daughter have always had a very close and mutually supportive relationship, this situation is going to jeopardise that relationship.
6. Our son is saying he will have no contact with her or the child whatsoever. My husband and I don’t know where this leaves us as grandparents.
7. Our daughter is the girl’s best friend AND aunt to the baby. Our daughter is extremely loyal to her friend and we believe she will lose contact with her brother and us if the girl keeps the child.
8. My husband and I are devastated. We wanted better than this for any of our grandchildren and this has the potential to tear our family apart.

We are utterly heartbroken by this situation. Our son has been completely irresponsible and we feel helpless.

We appreciate this is also a difficult situation for the girl, and we know that she’s the one who has the most difficult decisions to make in this matter. We’re just struggling with the fact that our feelings and preferences are to all intents and purposes irrelevant.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. Amy advice will be gratefully received.

Thank you for reading my post.

I would so disappointed if my son got a woman pregnant and tben decided to wash his hands of her and his own unborn child. How anybody could have no involvement with their own child baffles me.

He will still need to pay maintenance and rightly so.

I would open the lines of communication with this woman and see if you're able to build some sort of relationship. I'd lose the judgey tone though.

Your son sounds like an absolute toad.

he does not want to be a father

Well that’s tough shit and he’ll have to step up now. It takes two to make a baby.

My husband and I are devastated as this is not how we wanted our first grandchild to arrive.

This sentence really jumped out at me.

You sound unbelievably selfish and entitled. If you carry on with this attitude then you may never even meet the baby.

And incidentally, why are you referring to the woman as a girl? Or is she under 16 years old?

Here's a fun fact- the pill isn't 100% so just because she's ended up pregnant doesn't mean she was lying. You and your son both sound like real charmers tho, how about you both grow the hell up?

Mumsnet's obsession with females over 18 NOT being called girls is very tiresome. The "I thought she must be 12" is Bollocks

Some of the posters are really nasty, calling the son disgusting and a paedophile ( really?? I know the op said girl, but she’s a woman, didn’t you read the whole thing?).

The OP’s son is not the first to find himself in this position and won’t be the last. Yes, he was irresponsible for not using a condom, but it’s done now. The OP doesn’t deserve the vitriol on here, she’s trying to navigate through the situation and asking for advice.

Don’t be so horrible 😡

You sound judgemental with your dated and sexist views.
I've seen this before, with my own inlaws. Trust me when I say that they are the ones who now miss out on their grandchildren's lives.

Advice? To give yourself a good talking to, then give your son a few home truths about his need to step up to the mark.

Well if I were in that girl's shoes and the father wanted nothing to do with the child and his parents were being so judgmental, you wouldn't have a problem with what to do about this being your first grandchild because I would make damned well sure you wouldn't have anything to do with the child.

Stop babying your adult son and support this WOMAN. She is carrying your grandchild, whether you like it or not and what she does with her pregnancy is her decision. And you doubt her contraception, but it takes two to tango, so your son is completely equal in making this child. You say the living conditions are disgusting, but both of your children live in that house and contribute to that mess.

I'd sit your son down and give him a masterclass in how to be an adult. And then I'd arrange to see the mum to be, give her a big hug and ask her if she'll allow you to be proper grandparents.
Poor girl and poor baby...don't get into the blame game. It is what it is and in a few months time there will be a beautiful little one arriving who will need all the love, care and offers of support that you can freely give.

2. He does not want to be a father

Well tough shit I'm afraid. Fatherhood is on its way. If he didn't want a child then he should have worn a condom - please tell me this isn't his first lesson in what a consequence is.

Your daughter has chosen this woman as her best friend, doesn't that tell you she can't be as awful as you are judging her to be? Your son really does need to start acting like a grown up, and you need to think about how you might want your daughter to be treated in similar circumstances. You can walk away if you want to but your loss. Your son needs to provide financial support as a minimum.

You don’t know what to do? .........there’s nothing YOU can do. Try to befriend the mother of your grandchild and perhaps offer her some help and support. That may help if you want a relationship with your grandchild.

Oh dear Op, I think I would think very low of my son in your shoes. He needs a good hard slap and told to grow the fuck up and own his shit. He doesn’t get to opt out completely and you need to concentrate on building a none judgemental relationship with this woman. Keep the tone and wording in your post well out of it.

I appreciate this wasn’t how you envisioned having grandchildren.
However your in this situation because of your son, regardless of if was or wasn’t told she was on the pill - it was casual and he should of took some responsibility and used a condom.
It’s his loss if he doesn’t want anything to do with the child, they are all blessings in my eyes. However you will need to explain to him he can not cut off his financial responsibilities.
I also feel you’ve never seen the impact having one parent can do to a child, even an adult?
I have a child of my own and I am very sorry if I sound judey but I would hate for her of felt like she wasn’t wanted.

All in all tell him it’s his choice to walk away but financially that won’t be possible.
As for yourself as a grandmother, imagine if you were made to feel how the woman is. It isn’t nice and try and treat her how you would of liked.
She is having your grandchild at the end of the day.
And your son and daughter will have to agree to disagree

This is happening and you can't stop it. You need to get to know the mother of your grandchild and make sure she knows she has your unconditional support.

Good on your daughter if she'd choose her niece/nephew over her knobhead brother. You need to let your son know that if he has nothing to do with his child then you'll have nothing to do with him.

This is happening and you can't stop it. You need to get to know the mother of your grandchild and make sure she knows she has your unconditional support.

Good on your daughter if she'd choose her niece/nephew over her knobhead brother. You need to let your son know that if he has nothing to do with his child then you'll have nothing to do with him.

Number 6 though...what a bastard.

Well there is nothing at all you can do. The woman is keeping the baby, you will be grandparents, your son will be a father whether he chooses to parent or not. The fact he says he won’t makes him ten times worse than all the things you have listed about this woman that you say make her a bad mother. At least she will be parenting her child. Your son is pretty shameful.

He needs to step up but doesn’t need to be in a relationship to do that. He can provide for the child, build a relationship and have some visitation or custody. But he does not have to be with the girl. Not at all.

Concentrate on being a grandparent 😊

I'd consider myself an absolute failure as a parent if my son turned out like yours.

Obviously you can't force your son to step up (though he should as the baby is his), but you can show that you are supportive and would like to have a relationship with your future grandchild - no matter what you think of the mother. It is the baby that's important in this as s/he is the innocent victim of this mess.

Given the woman lives in a flat share it's pretty clear that she is over 16.

Your daughter sounds like a very lovely and loyal person though so you obviously raised one right 😊 x

Your son needs to get a job and support the child and if he wants to study, he can study part time, lots of grown ups do this.

Agree with others, if this were me I’d be asking your DD to introduce us and build a relationship. Could your DD bring her over for tea one night without your DS being around?