My son has got a girl pregnant

[Starling38]

I’m hoping for some advice. My son has got a girl pregnant and we’re devastated.
It’s a long story but I’ll try to brief..
my 25 year old son was in a loving relationship for nine years. He adored the girl and proposed marriage. She accepted, but then a few months later she left him for somebody else.
My son fell apart and had a serious emotional breakdown. We brought him home, looked after him and saw him through. He began to do a lot better and planned himself a new future that includes following his interests at university with the aim of finding a good job at the end.

In the meantime he moved in with his sister (younger by one year) and her housemate as it was closer to his college. He began a casual relationship with the housemate but made it clear he wasn’t looking for a relationship. The girl is now pregnant. She told him she was on the pill (although there’s now some doubt over that) but as I’ve explained to my son, if he didn’t want to be a father he should have used a condom. He acknowledges that and is angry with himself for being so irresponsible.

The girl has told him she knows he doesn’t want this, but she’s keeping it regardless and doesn’t mind if he’s not involved. (Apparently the girl has wanted a baby for a long time despite not being in a loving and commuted relationship.

We’re devastated for everyone concerned, especially the poor unborn child.

These are the issues:

1. My son does not love the girl
2. He does not want to be a father
3. The girl’s life style choices aren’t compatible with bringing a baby into the world. She smokes and drinks heavily and is continuing this through the pregnancy. She is also incapable of keeping a house clean and tidy and lives in messy and unhygienic conditions. My husband and I are devastated as this is not how we wanted our first grandchild to arrive.
4. There are two large dogs in the house. (This terrifies me!)
5. Our son and daughter have always had a very close and mutually supportive relationship, this situation is going to jeopardise that relationship.
6. Our son is saying he will have no contact with her or the child whatsoever. My husband and I don’t know where this leaves us as grandparents.
7. Our daughter is the girl’s best friend AND aunt to the baby. Our daughter is extremely loyal to her friend and we believe she will lose contact with her brother and us if the girl keeps the child.
8. My husband and I are devastated. We wanted better than this for any of our grandchildren and this has the potential to tear our family apart.

We are utterly heartbroken by this situation. Our son has been completely irresponsible and we feel helpless.

We appreciate this is also a difficult situation for the girl, and we know that she’s the one who has the most difficult decisions to make in this matter. We’re just struggling with the fact that our feelings and preferences are to all intents and purposes irrelevant.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. Amy advice will be gratefully received.

Thank you for reading my post.

Let hope your kids dad does that with you. Nasty piece of work

I didn't drink or smoke during my pregnancy or even after I gave birth.

You must be mortified at how dreadful your son is behaving in all of this.
His long term (and totally irrelevant to the story) ex must heave a sigh of relief every time she thinks of him.
I expect his dick just fell into this "girl" accidentally.
Once you've overcome your disappointment in him, I'm sure you'll be telling him to act like the responsible adult he is supposed to be and get it into his head that he can want nothing to do with the child but he's probably still going to have to get off his arse and pay for it.

If anyone's an idiot its you

I think you’re making a crisis into a drama. Get your adult heads on and start dealing as you mean to go on. Do you want a relationship with the baby? With the mother? How can you best facilitate that? How can you encourage your son to face up to his responsibilities?

My bf’s son’s girlfriend became pg when they were 17, and applying to Unis. Luckily, my bf’s first thought was how to help both of them continue in education and make the best lives possible for themselves. The pair chose a Uni which suited them both, moved there, worked like slaves through their courses, somehow managed to get really good results, good jobs and have been married for 20 years with 3 children. My bf’s son has a really good career, his wife too, though less successful due to taking time off for the children, and one of the happiest families you could hope to meet. They could not have achieved half what they have without really supportive families behind them.

I know that isn’t what your son wants, so it’s not your happy ending, but you need to think more about the effect it has and will have on the two young ones, and how best to help them.

I think OP is getting unfairly harsh treatment here. Be honest, how many of us would be thrilled to become grandparents this way? She is in shock - people tend not to react well. The son is probably also in shock - not so long ago he was planning a future with someone else entirely and n9w his life is going in a completely different direction.

Have to be honest but I'd be sceptical believing the pill failed when this woman has subsequently openly admitted to wanting a baby for a long time. Seems all the man did wrong here initially was believing her when she said she was on the pill. Also, hell yes would I judge a woman who continued to smoke and drink while pg.

The truth though, and it's tough for you OP, is that she can do whatever she wants. Your opinions hold no sway. Not over her anyway. Urge your son to not cut off his nose to spite his face - all that will happen is that he will hurt an innocent child and miss out on what should be the most amazing thing to ever happen to him.
Tell him to pay the child support - remind him that this is for the baby, who is entirely innocent party. Don't be the parents who encourage their son to be a deadbeat dad.

I agree with pp who say get to know her, offer help but don't crowd her. It's the best way to get some involvement in your grandchild's life.

You need to reach out to the woman and say you’ll be there for her/the dc. Don’t talk to her about choices, mess, dogs, drinking etc. You need to build a relationship with her so that hopefully she will want you in her dc’s life. It’s not about you. Give your son space and time and hopefully he’ll want to be at least a little involved in his child’s life.

Is there sock puppiting going on here or just one massive idiot?

I don’t think you can judge anyone else’s potential parenting ability as you have in your OP when your son is a man willing to turn his back on his child and responsibilities.

I would suggest if you want a relationship with your grandchild you reach out to this woman (not girl) and offer your support along with your daughter (who probably isn’t thrilled her brother knocked up her friend then acted like an arsehole). If your son has a problem with this then perhaps the child is better off without him.

Your son doesn't want to know his own child - disgusting

I would be deeply ashamed of him and encourage him. The least of your worries are the two dogs etc

At the very least, you need to encourage him to support the baby.

Why does he have to get off his arse? Presumably the mother has resources which is why she's continuing with her pregnancy. It's her choice to have a baby.

She is also incapable of keeping a house clean and tidy and lives in messy and unhygienic conditions.

She lives with your daughter so I guess your daughter is also part of the unhygienic problem?

There are two large dogs in the house. (This terrifies me!)

Ummmm... She may not live there once baby is born, or they could get rid of the dogs, or it might all be fine. Lots of people have dogs and babies!

Our son and daughter have always had a very close and mutually supportive relationship, this situation is going to jeopardise that relationship.

Why can't they carry on supporting each other?

Our son is saying he will have no contact with her or the child whatsoever. My husband and I don’t know where this leaves us as grandparents.

Tell your son to get his head out his arse and help bring his child up. It must be truly devastating to have brought up a man to be so selfish.
If you want a relationship with your Grandchild then support your son and his pregnant friend and help them be the best parents they can be.

Our daughter is the girl’s best friend AND aunt to the baby. Our daughter is extremely loyal to her friend and we believe she will lose contact with her brother and us if the girl keeps the child.

I guess your children were never actually that close then if she can drop him so quickly.

My husband and I are devastated. We wanted better than this for any of our grandchildren and this has the potential to tear our family apart.*

Is this where your son gets his selfishness from?
I am sorry but shit happens.
You all need to grow up, stop thinking about yourselves and realise this child deserves 2 loving parents and grandparents. Not 2 pissed of grandparents and a daddy who's just fucked off because he can't be arsed.

Please think this through and help your son be the best dad he can.
You all need to stick together and make this work.
Put your feelings aside and help your son and his friend be great parents.

Thank you for your replies, especially to those of you who have offered advice in a measured and understanding way.

I’ve never, ever made a post on any forum before and I’m not au fait with the conventions and etiquette of terms and acronyms used in talk forums. I just came here to seek some advice.

I seem to have angered people by using the term ‘girl’. She’s 25 also. I never used the word girl in a derogatory way or to be disrespectful to her in any way, it’s just how I’ve always referred to females. It’s nothing more then a generational thing and I feel I’ve been unfairly attacked for something I didn’t even know I was doing wrong.

I’ve also been told I’m a failure as a parent and should be ashamed.

I know my son had been irresponsible and I’ve made it very clear to him that he has to take responsibility. I’m not proud of his behaviour and neither is he.

All I tried to do in this post was to explain the circumstances, I’m sorry if I’ve come across as selfish and uncaring about the girl (yes, I know she’s an adult) but nothing could be further from the truth.

I’m in shock at this situation and didn’t expect to be attacked for feeling confused and upset and disappointed.

Some of the nasty comments here have had me in tears. I never expected everyone to agree with me, but neither did I expect to be made to feel like I’m a horrible person and a bad parent.

Papayamum

Well done!! You know nothing about this woman, apart from a one sided rant but think her child should be taken off her by someone who doesn't want it. You are winning at life. Superior human. The womb supreme.

I’m sure that you are all in a flat spin over this news, let the dust settle and I’m sure your son will come round once he’s over the shock.
Ignore the nasty comments on here, some people are vile behind a keyboard, I’ve been on the receiving end of this too but I’ve learned to weed out the nasty comments.
I hope it works out for you all

Your son sounds like a scum bag. He needs to man up.

The vitriol on this thread is absurd. Who would be happy with their grandchild bein exposed to alcohol and cigarettes in the womb, regardless of the other circumstances.

Who on this thread genuinely wouldn’t feel any kind of distress for their child in this situation.

OP, it’s horrible to feel helpless and out of control to help your ds when he’s so upset. Of course he’s responsible for his actions but he’s also your child. You do need to make him face reality though, it is what it is and he needs to just accept that the future involves a child.

You sound like my ex’s mother she was utterly vile apparently I trapped her son at 21 little did she know that he has previously had two other girls pregnant at 17 and 19 who hadn’t progressed there pregnancies further. She demanding I get an abortion. I have ds 9 not with her son as he was a scum bag who cheated and she only see ds when ex has him no over night stays with her.

OP, I am now a grandmother. But I split up from my boyfriend before I knew I was pregnant. I also smoke and drink, though I didn't while I was pregnant and am super messy. My dd's paternal grandparents couldn't have been nicer. They fed me when I was pregnant and were always there for me and my daughter. They just passed away about three years ago and we still miss them dreadfully. Their son was irresponsible too but they certainly made up for it.

**think OP is getting unfairly harsh treatment here. Be honest, how many of us would be thrilled to become grandparents this way? She is in shock - people tend not to react well. The son is probably also in shock - not so long ago he was planning a future with someone else entirely and n9w his life is going in a completely different direction.

Have to be honest but I'd be sceptical believing the pill failed when this woman has subsequently openly admitted to wanting a baby for a long time. Seems all the man did wrong here initially was believing her when she said she was on the pill. Also, hell yes would I judge a woman who continued to smoke and drink while pregnant**

^This 100%. OP I really feel for you.

Interesting that everyone is being nasty to the OP and her son but everyone is there is no comments on the trashy and selfish mother to be who drinks and smokes throughout her pregnancy?

Nobody is condoning her smoking and drinking as far as I can see.

But her behaviour doesn't justify OP's horrible son's, or her own attitude about the pregnancy.

I am sorry Starling38, you have had an unfair bashing on here . It is a difficult situation for all of you.

My son’s other grandparents weren’t massively impressed when they heard DS was on the way, but have never been anything but devoted grandparents since his arrival, even when ex basically disappeared for a year (has since manned up). My son has definitely benefitted from having them in his life. I would strongly urge you to work to build a relationship with your future ‘daughter’. Ask your own daughter how best to work on this. The situation isn’t ideal, but focus on a baby being a blessing and go from there.

As to your son, as PP have said, he needs to grow up. Hopefully he will realise that himself and not miss out on too much of his child’s life

Funny how our wonderful heroic boy wonder even fancied the "trashy selfish" mother to be eh?
Maybe the portrayal the OP has given of the parents to be is biased. Possibly.
OP I am guessing you are in your 50s or early 60s if you have a 25 yr old son? So are many of us who think his, and your, attitude abhorrent.
It's not a generational thing. It's an unacceptably nasty thing.