My son has got a girl pregnant

[Starling38]

I’m hoping for some advice. My son has got a girl pregnant and we’re devastated.
It’s a long story but I’ll try to brief..
my 25 year old son was in a loving relationship for nine years. He adored the girl and proposed marriage. She accepted, but then a few months later she left him for somebody else.
My son fell apart and had a serious emotional breakdown. We brought him home, looked after him and saw him through. He began to do a lot better and planned himself a new future that includes following his interests at university with the aim of finding a good job at the end.

In the meantime he moved in with his sister (younger by one year) and her housemate as it was closer to his college. He began a casual relationship with the housemate but made it clear he wasn’t looking for a relationship. The girl is now pregnant. She told him she was on the pill (although there’s now some doubt over that) but as I’ve explained to my son, if he didn’t want to be a father he should have used a condom. He acknowledges that and is angry with himself for being so irresponsible.

The girl has told him she knows he doesn’t want this, but she’s keeping it regardless and doesn’t mind if he’s not involved. (Apparently the girl has wanted a baby for a long time despite not being in a loving and commuted relationship.

We’re devastated for everyone concerned, especially the poor unborn child.

These are the issues:

1. My son does not love the girl
2. He does not want to be a father
3. The girl’s life style choices aren’t compatible with bringing a baby into the world. She smokes and drinks heavily and is continuing this through the pregnancy. She is also incapable of keeping a house clean and tidy and lives in messy and unhygienic conditions. My husband and I are devastated as this is not how we wanted our first grandchild to arrive.
4. There are two large dogs in the house. (This terrifies me!)
5. Our son and daughter have always had a very close and mutually supportive relationship, this situation is going to jeopardise that relationship.
6. Our son is saying he will have no contact with her or the child whatsoever. My husband and I don’t know where this leaves us as grandparents.
7. Our daughter is the girl’s best friend AND aunt to the baby. Our daughter is extremely loyal to her friend and we believe she will lose contact with her brother and us if the girl keeps the child.
8. My husband and I are devastated. We wanted better than this for any of our grandchildren and this has the potential to tear our family apart.

We are utterly heartbroken by this situation. Our son has been completely irresponsible and we feel helpless.

We appreciate this is also a difficult situation for the girl, and we know that she’s the one who has the most difficult decisions to make in this matter. We’re just struggling with the fact that our feelings and preferences are to all intents and purposes irrelevant.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. Amy advice will be gratefully received.

Thank you for reading my post.

Sorry, what is the pill actually for? If it's so unreliable and you shouldn't believe anyone who says they're on it then it's a pointless medicine isn't it.

It is fairly reliable when taken correctly. However, everyone knows that a stomach bug can stop it working for up to a week, as can forgetting to take it one day. Everyone also knows that it is not suitable contraception in a casual relationship where either partner might also be sleeping with other people, as it does not protect against STIs.

The way I see it is that if you are not willing to have a committed relationship with the person you are sleeping with, you have to take personal responsibility for contraception. You simply cannot trust that their intentions are exactly the same as yours. You also cannot trust that they aren't sleeping with someone else and might pass on an infection to you. That is not being 'bitter', it's being totally unrealistic.

Anyway, it doesn't matter if the woman got pregnant 'on purpose' anyway. There is going to be a child. I guess the issue is whether a grown adult's wishes and feelings (not wanting to be a dad) should trump the wellbeing and security of a small child who did not ask to be born and who is likely to be emotionally damaged by being rejected. I am sure the son will do what he wants anyway but maybe he will think about what impact this will have. Yes, it's a pain that things have not worked out exactly how he would have wanted, but sometimes they don't. You have to make the best of things though and if I were a man I would not want to pass up on the opportunity of developing a relationship and bond with my child even if having said child was not in my life plan.

I’ve got pregnant on the pill twice (once I was taking it unreliably but the other I should definitely have been covered)

I took morning after pill both times too just in case

Still got 2 DCs so it does happen!!!

“and for the vast majority the pill works just fine. If you take it.”

Exactly. For the vast majority. There are pill failures when taken correctly. For various reasons. There are also people who don’t take it correctly without realising. They aren’t being deceitful. They are making mistakes. Nothing is 100% aside from abstinence. If you are the sort of person who wants nothing to do with any child you have created then just put on a fucking condom.

I don't think there is much you can do. Be supportive of the girl, help financially if you can with baby stuff. Tell your son he needs to sort himself out, put aside his feelings or lack of them towards the girl and concentrate on the fact that he has a child coming into the world that needs to be loved and provided for.

Don't let it come between you and your daughter or your son and daughter. This can either be a big nasty thing, or not. For the sake of the baby, make it not. Do what you can to make things as positive as possible.

When a woman posts on mn about wanting a baby but her partner doesn't and she is considering 'accidentally' getting pg, virtually everyone tells her (quite rightly) that it is a bad idea, it is a terrible thing to do to their partner, that it may lead yo resentment of the baby etc.
I really hope that what has happened here is a genuine accident and not something she did deliberately because a genuine accident means there is a much better chance of things working out okay in the long run, than if one person was actively deceived.

but neither did I expect to be made to feel like I’m a horrible person and a bad parent

Your son has a child on the way that he says he will have nothing to do with, and instead of focusing on that you are talking about her dogs and your daughter being her friend?

What the hell kind of parent doesn't focus on their son abandoning their child? THAT is your problem here, not the rest of it.

Those saying you should be able to have unprotected casual sex because you should trust the other person. Would you be willing to have unprotected casual sex with a man who told you he’d had the snip?

And try not to spend a lot of time thinking about how this isn't what you want for your first grandchild. It is what it is now. Think instead: do you want your first grandchild to secure, loved and accepted by their father and wider family? I assume you do. If so, take steps to make it that way. I know it must be hard, it's a fear of mine when my boys grow up.

I think if you try and keep your grandchild in mind at every turn, you can't go far wrong.

You sound so bitter. It's not wrong to trust someone you are sleeping with

It is when you are not in a relationship with them and don't even appear to like anything about them.
Casual unprotected sex makes you an idiot.

Every single documentary about social history and women's changing role in the twentieth century cites the pill as being the biggest tool of liberation and change. It freed millions of women to make their own reproductive choices.

I used it for many years and never questioned its reliability. The risks after being sick or taking anti biotics were very very clearly explained.

Yet on these threads it's seen as so unreliable as to be pointless, and a poor choice compared to condoms.

When a woman posts on mn about wanting a baby but her partner doesn't and she is considering 'accidentally' getting pg, virtually everyone tells her (quite rightly) that it is a bad idea, it is a terrible thing to do to their partner, that it may lead yo resentment of the baby etc.

Not sure what point you’re trying to make. Are you saying this is what has happened in this case?

I do agree though that once the shock wears off he does just have to accept that this is the way it's going to be and do right by his baby.

Morris are you actually saying you believe the pill to be 100% effective?

god some people on here can be really nasty

It freed millions of women to make their own reproductive choices

Of course it did. It is reliable if taken correctly. Most of the people who get pregnant while taking it did not take it correctly, even if they claim they did.

Look, this man appears not to have a very high opinion of this woman. He didn't want to have a relationship with her, doesn't seem to like her, apparently knew that she was keen to get pregnant. Yet he trusted her to be meticulous about contraception. That probably wasn't a very sensible decision on his part and these are the consequences.

I'd consider myself an absolute failure as a parent if my son turned out like yours.

^^this.

Am also thinking that the ex-fiancé had a lucky bloody escape.

Sorry OP, while this situation is clearly distressing for you, you are angry with the wrong person here. And frankly, your son can't be not proud of his behaviour and still perpetuate it. That simply doesn't make any sense. He is behaving appallingly. End of.

I'm saying that I think it's a possibility based on what the woman has subsequently said about wanting to have a baby for a long time. If that's the case, it will affect how he feels - a genuine accident is easier to come to terms with than the feeling of being manipulated into something. I hope it isn't but it might be why he is saying he wants no involvement.

Either way, if he is a decent man he is going to have to get on board for the baby's sake.

Did he know she was keen to get pg before or after she got pg? Because that does make a difference.

Of course it’s possible, but you are posting as if it has been confirmed and that people here are being hypocritical because on other threads women are told they can’t trick their husbands!

Some nasty people on this thread.

Surely a mother is allowed to be disappointed about a situation like this? I know I would be.

Of course, turning back the clock the ds would have had to marry the girl/woman. Plenty of that went on in my family. In fact my gf - aged nineteen had to marry my 30-year-old gm!!

So at least in this day and age there is no obligation for the ds to marry the girl, but financially yes, he will be bound for life. Otoh my cousin got a girl (16) pregnant. My aunt tried to maintain some involvement but the girl and her family weren't interested. My cousin had done his duty as sperm donor.

It's reliable if you're the one taking it or trust them 100%

Morris

It’s not just vomiting and ABs that prevent the pill from working. Everyone knows it’s not 100% effective.

Surely a mother is allowed to be disappointed about a situation like this? I know I would be

I'd be disappointed in my son, but OP is only focused on the shortcomings of the "girl" he knocked up.

Some people on here are really nasty.

OP, I'm afraid you are in this situation and all you can do is offer your support. I'm afraid your opinions are irrelevant and all you can do is provide advice when you are asked for it. This may seem harsh but it is the truth.

Many of us would be disappointed if this was the way a baby was being brought into the world. Just remember - it isn't the end of the world and there are so many much worse things that could happen. Nobody is ill or dying.

When the baby arrives there could be a change in circumstances. Encourage your son to step up to his responsibilities - it sounds like he is getting his life on track in other ways. At the end of this there will be a baby who I'm sure will be the light of many people's lives.

Your son and the pregnant woman are both adults and they just have to deal with this. Remember the light at the end of the tunnel.

You seem like a nice lady, take no notice of the people insulting you - they do not know you and just like a bit of drama. All you can do at the moment is be a support to your son and his baby's mother - concentrate on that for now.

As far as I'm aware, other than abstinence or surgical options, the pill taken properly is the most reliable form of contraception? So not 100%, but as near as dammit?