My son has got a girl pregnant

[Starling38]

I’m hoping for some advice. My son has got a girl pregnant and we’re devastated.
It’s a long story but I’ll try to brief..
my 25 year old son was in a loving relationship for nine years. He adored the girl and proposed marriage. She accepted, but then a few months later she left him for somebody else.
My son fell apart and had a serious emotional breakdown. We brought him home, looked after him and saw him through. He began to do a lot better and planned himself a new future that includes following his interests at university with the aim of finding a good job at the end.

In the meantime he moved in with his sister (younger by one year) and her housemate as it was closer to his college. He began a casual relationship with the housemate but made it clear he wasn’t looking for a relationship. The girl is now pregnant. She told him she was on the pill (although there’s now some doubt over that) but as I’ve explained to my son, if he didn’t want to be a father he should have used a condom. He acknowledges that and is angry with himself for being so irresponsible.

The girl has told him she knows he doesn’t want this, but she’s keeping it regardless and doesn’t mind if he’s not involved. (Apparently the girl has wanted a baby for a long time despite not being in a loving and commuted relationship.

We’re devastated for everyone concerned, especially the poor unborn child.

These are the issues:

1. My son does not love the girl
2. He does not want to be a father
3. The girl’s life style choices aren’t compatible with bringing a baby into the world. She smokes and drinks heavily and is continuing this through the pregnancy. She is also incapable of keeping a house clean and tidy and lives in messy and unhygienic conditions. My husband and I are devastated as this is not how we wanted our first grandchild to arrive.
4. There are two large dogs in the house. (This terrifies me!)
5. Our son and daughter have always had a very close and mutually supportive relationship, this situation is going to jeopardise that relationship.
6. Our son is saying he will have no contact with her or the child whatsoever. My husband and I don’t know where this leaves us as grandparents.
7. Our daughter is the girl’s best friend AND aunt to the baby. Our daughter is extremely loyal to her friend and we believe she will lose contact with her brother and us if the girl keeps the child.
8. My husband and I are devastated. We wanted better than this for any of our grandchildren and this has the potential to tear our family apart.

We are utterly heartbroken by this situation. Our son has been completely irresponsible and we feel helpless.

We appreciate this is also a difficult situation for the girl, and we know that she’s the one who has the most difficult decisions to make in this matter. We’re just struggling with the fact that our feelings and preferences are to all intents and purposes irrelevant.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. Amy advice will be gratefully received.

Thank you for reading my post.

I’m sorry but all those saying ‘she might have got pregnant on purpose’ if you really don’t want a kid you wear a condom as well as the woman taking the pill.

OP, the comments on here are horrendous. Some really horrible people and not even trying to understand you. They should be ashamed.
I’m leaving this thread, I suggest you do the same. Talk to real life people who know you and will actually support you. Good luck x

Interesting that men who really don't want a kid get castigated for not trusting the pill, but women who have contraceptive failures must be treated like special pregnant ladies and never, ever questioned.

Sex results in babies, all adults know this. But women are allowed to choose a way out without judgement (on here). Men are expected to suck it up without a word of concern.

But women are allowed to choose a way out without judgement (on here). Men are expected to suck it up without a word of concern.

Well, consider the alternative....

But women are allowed to choose a way out without judgement (on here). Men are expected to suck it up without a word of concern

There is a big difference though. Firstly, if you allowed men to control whether women could have an abortion, that would be a gross interference with the woman's bodily autonomy and would lead to horrendous results.

Secondly, if the woman does decide to have the child, there is now a third person in this equation- the child. Therefore, the man must be compelled to make financial provision and given the negative effects on a child of being rejected by its parents, I would be quite critical of a man who wanted nothing to do with that child.

Thirdly, the reality is that many men can and do walk away and never see their child and do not pay for the child either. Society might be mildly disapproving of this, but they are hardly castigated for it. So men definitely do have a choice.

And yes, the obvious solution is to use condoms so that you have control over the contraception. Many men don't want to because they are a faff and they feel that the sex is better without them. If that is the choice they make, they have to be prepared for the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy.

OP, your son isn't horrible! The girl/woman isn't horrible but what they are, are adults. Your post implies they are both young and foolish and to a degree they probably are in their lifestyle choices but they both have to step up to own their decisions. Sounds like the woman is but your son isn't? What jumped out for me is that your son struggles with his emotions as in the 9 year relationship going tits up and then you stepping in to rescue him. That's fine, so he struggled with it but you appear to now step in and rescue him again? Thing is, he's actually old enough to rescue himself. How about working alongside him and encouraging him to support this woman in having their baby? Try and support the woman for example take an interest in scans, her nutrition etc.

Think about this, if your daughter likes her friend, then surely she must in someways be a good person? So why don't you reach out to both of them and be there for them whilst they navigate their way through this situation?

you really don’t want a kid you wear a condom as well as the woman taking the pill.
How would that go down in a relationship though? It's a bit like saying 'I don't trust you so I'm going to make my own arrangements'. If you don't trust the person you are sleeping with, then you shouldn't be sleeping with them. I don't think it's fair to blame him for trusting her to take the pill.

The pill does occasionally fail, but it is mostly a really reliable form of contraception if taken properly. I do think that it is hard to believe it was a legitimate failure of contraception when the woman has subsequently admitted to wanting a baby for a long time. If she has lied in order to get pg I can see why he feels manipulated.
Still, he is where he is and does just have to make the best of it because the baby is the most important person now.

They wasn’t having a relationship it was casual sex, so he should have been wearing a condom regardless.

I wouldn’t care if I said I was on the pill and someone said they wanted to use condoms anyway? Literally wouldn’t bother me.

I'd feel like he was calling me a liar. I think even in a casual relationship there should be trust between people or no sex. A ons would be different because you don't know sexual history and that would be more about protecting each other from std.

They wasn’t having a relationship it was casual sex, so he should have been wearing a condom regardless

Exactly. Unless it is exclusive, having sex without a condom could leave either of them vulnerable to catching an STD from the other. It's different in a long term committed relationship, but this sounds like a convenient, casual arrangement.

I think even in a casual relationship there should be trust between people or no sex.

That’s your boundary. Not everyone else’s. People are entitled to set their own conditions for when they will and won’t have sex.

Wildbelle I agree that society tends not to judge men who walk away, but my observations are about the general tone on MN.

One thing I've learned on here is that a sizeable amount of women really, really want babies. I haven't experienced that need so I can't relate to it. They are willing to have them in the worst of circumstances because... well I don't know why, because the convention on here is that you don't ask after it's a done deal.

I can try to put myself in the mindset of a young woman in a flatshare who gets accidentally pregnant but chooses not to terminate, but in truth I just don't get it.

This woman obviously really wants a baby, there's nothing anyone can do about that as it's her prerogative of course. But I can't get behind slating a twenty five year old for not wanting to be a father in these circumstances. I wouldn't either.

And I also find on here that the pill is totally unreliable apparently, but can be mitigated against with condoms, which appear to be failsafe. And a man's responsibility.

Battered, it might also have been a boundary for the OP's son too. He is getting blamed on this thread for not using a condom but all he did (initially) was trust someone he was regularly sleeping with.

If she hadn't said since that she wanted a baby, he would probably just think it was a failure of contraception and accept that, but I can see why he might now feel deceived. Obviously, there's no excuse for not supporting/seeing his baby if that is how it goes long term.

I think at the moment though, he is in shock and behaving badly. I think if he is a decent man he will do the right thing once he gets used to the idea.

He is getting blamed on this thread for not using a condom but all he did (initially) was trust someone he was regularly sleeping with.

“All” he did was put a naked dick into a woman of child bearing age. He can hardly be surprised when that action produced a child. And yes, that is his responsibility, just as much as the pill/diaphragm/whatever is hers. They are both responsible for this. He does not get to deny all responsibility because “she said she was on the pill”. No-one falls for that one anymore.

You sound so bitter. It's not wrong to trust someone you are sleeping with.
If it was a genuine failure of contraception then it is just one of those things and yes, 50/50 responsibility for the resulting pg. But it is rare for the pill to fail so not totally unreasonable imo for him to trust it as a reliable form of contraception. If she did lie, then actually she is more responsible for the pg than him, brcause that is active deception.

Your son sounds like he's in a panic, but the reality is he IS about to become a father whether or not he wants to and he WILL have to financially support that child and therefore have some sort of relationship with the mother of his child so he's going to have to start getting his head around that.
This situation is less than ideal I suppose but they're adults and will deal with it themselves. Hopefully The woman has support on her side of the family if she's about to become a single mother.
And if you want to have a relationship with the child then you'll need to support the mother, and I'd go easy on judging the lifestyle of a 25 year old. Hopefully they will all mature a bit when the baby arrives...

What he doesn't get to do is deny his child financial, physical and emotional care.
I think he is allowed to feel pissed off about the circumstances though.

Wow!! Bitter because I think it’s common sense to prevent yourself creating children you don’t want? it’s nothing to do with trust and everything to do with personal responsibility. You can trust the person you are sleeping with 100% but that does not make their contraception 100% reliable. No contraception is 100% reliable. That is a fact. Anyone who doesn’t want children is a fool not to take responsibility for their own contraception. Regardless of what the other party is doing.

@Starling38 I feel for you, I really do. If I were you I’d get this thread deleted as it’s not going to bring you the support and understanding that you need right now.

Women on here always side with the pregnant woman and seem blinded to all else.

Your sons reaction was obviously shock as he believed this person was being responsible for her own contraception- big lesson learned there. People sometimes do things to suit themselves which maybe is what she has done.

If she’s a dirty disorganised person with poor lifestyle habits then I sincerely hope she’ll seek help before this child arrives otherwise she’s having the child for all the wrong reasons.

Your son may change his mind about seeing the child when the dust settles but in the meantime all you can do is be there for him and support them both however you can.

He is getting blamed on this thread for not using a condom but all he did (initially) was trust someone he was regularly sleeping with.

Condoms also protect from STIs so are a good idea to use with casual partners anyway.

If he feels strongly about not wanting a baby then he needs to take precautions. Considering that he knew that she wouldn’t find pregnancy a disaster and was supposedly a chaotic girl, he can’t sulk and refuse to see the child.

Sorry, what is the pill actually for? If it's so unreliable and you shouldn't believe anyone who says they're on it then it's a pointless medicine isn't it.

I always wonder how the advisers on here would respond to a poster who's partner insisted on watching them swallow their pill each night. I suspect that would be considered to be abusive.

You’re looking quite silly here Morris.

Most people don't double up on contraception and for the vast majority the pill works just fine. If you take it. All I'm saying is that if she has been dishonest then he has a right to be pissed off.

I think morris makes a fair point actually.

It's for women. When I took the pill I knew I took it reliably and I trusted it. Dh chose to trust me which was fine.