My son has got a girl pregnant

[Starling38]

I’m hoping for some advice. My son has got a girl pregnant and we’re devastated.
It’s a long story but I’ll try to brief..
my 25 year old son was in a loving relationship for nine years. He adored the girl and proposed marriage. She accepted, but then a few months later she left him for somebody else.
My son fell apart and had a serious emotional breakdown. We brought him home, looked after him and saw him through. He began to do a lot better and planned himself a new future that includes following his interests at university with the aim of finding a good job at the end.

In the meantime he moved in with his sister (younger by one year) and her housemate as it was closer to his college. He began a casual relationship with the housemate but made it clear he wasn’t looking for a relationship. The girl is now pregnant. She told him she was on the pill (although there’s now some doubt over that) but as I’ve explained to my son, if he didn’t want to be a father he should have used a condom. He acknowledges that and is angry with himself for being so irresponsible.

The girl has told him she knows he doesn’t want this, but she’s keeping it regardless and doesn’t mind if he’s not involved. (Apparently the girl has wanted a baby for a long time despite not being in a loving and commuted relationship.

We’re devastated for everyone concerned, especially the poor unborn child.

These are the issues:

1. My son does not love the girl
2. He does not want to be a father
3. The girl’s life style choices aren’t compatible with bringing a baby into the world. She smokes and drinks heavily and is continuing this through the pregnancy. She is also incapable of keeping a house clean and tidy and lives in messy and unhygienic conditions. My husband and I are devastated as this is not how we wanted our first grandchild to arrive.
4. There are two large dogs in the house. (This terrifies me!)
5. Our son and daughter have always had a very close and mutually supportive relationship, this situation is going to jeopardise that relationship.
6. Our son is saying he will have no contact with her or the child whatsoever. My husband and I don’t know where this leaves us as grandparents.
7. Our daughter is the girl’s best friend AND aunt to the baby. Our daughter is extremely loyal to her friend and we believe she will lose contact with her brother and us if the girl keeps the child.
8. My husband and I are devastated. We wanted better than this for any of our grandchildren and this has the potential to tear our family apart.

We are utterly heartbroken by this situation. Our son has been completely irresponsible and we feel helpless.

We appreciate this is also a difficult situation for the girl, and we know that she’s the one who has the most difficult decisions to make in this matter. We’re just struggling with the fact that our feelings and preferences are to all intents and purposes irrelevant.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. Amy advice will be gratefully received.

Thank you for reading my post.

imokit has pretty much said all I wanted to say.
I appreciate this situation isn't ideal, however, the best way to approach this is to be very happy that your daughter is a lovely and loyal friend to the mother of your soon-to-be grandchild.
I'm assuming from your post (please correct me if I'm wrong) - that you hardly know the 'girl'. Weil now is the time. In a gentle, non-judgemental and helpful way.
And unfortunately, your son as others have said, does seem to be rather childlike. Yes this had come as a shock, but he didn't use a condom. Not uncommon unfortunately, but he might want to rectify this is future. Not just to avoid another unplanned pregnancy and unwanted (for him) child, but to protect himself and other future partners against possible STD's. He does need to grow up I'm sorry to say and realise that this is NOT all about him.

This sounds an awful lot like my current situation, but I'm the pregnant girl 🙄
I however am younger and certainly don't lead the same lifestyle you believe her to. I was also in a very loving relationship with the father of my child but his family and friends convinced him to leave me (extreme cultural differences) and now him nor his family are planning on any contact with this child.

I'm absolutely heartbroken about it and like everyone above has said, just be there for her and your grandchild. I'm sure she'll change her lifestyle and I don't feel she intended to trap your son or make his life difficult. Not much you can do if your son doesn't want to step up but if you want involvement I know in my situation, there's nothing I'd want more than for his family to want to support me rather than trash talk and make me feel like an idiot for keeping the baby. I wish you all the best of luck

I totally feel for you. It’s not the situation we envisage for our children and you are allowed to morne for this. Once done however I would really encourage your son and yourselves to build a relationship with this women, sure she’s a drinker and a smoker but this is not dissimilar to a lot of people in their 20s, you may find that the maternal instinct kicks in and these things disishish. I’m sure when the baby arrives she will find (as most of us do) that extra help is very welcoming. I wish you m, your husband and son all the best and remember it’s ok to feel sad for a while but make sure you move on and create a positive.

op it leaves you nowhere you have no rights

your best bet is try and persuade himto step up doesnt sound lik your that bothered about what he does though

I came on here thinking it was your teen son not an adult who should have been more careful. regardless he now has responsibilities for a child and he has to step up. pill can fail btw and sometimes people can change when a child comes along. Don't judge this girl. Have you actually met her?

One thing that doesn't matter in all of this is whether she is called a girl, or a woman, ffs does it matter

If he's old enough to get a woman pregnant, he's old enough to face the consequences whether he wants to or not unfortunately.

You need to relax and let your son deal with this, he's 25 not 14. And like a previous poster said, some lads were fighting for their country at a much younger age.

Good luck OP. x

I think you’re getting a very hard time on here OP.
You have every right to feel however you feel - I can understand that you’re disappointed and feel helpless with the whole situation, with your son, the woman, all of it.
Your son is probably terrified - he might come round if you, your DH and DD are there bring supportive of the woman (girl - whatever, who gives a shit, everyone knew what you meant if they read the post!)
What’s the situ with the other grandparents? Can you contact them? Can you get involved with the woman directly and offer your support?
Good luck. It’s going to be tough but life can be wonderful. This baby might be everything and more to all of you including DS. I hope so.

Just to give you some hope, my DCs’ father doesn’t see them at all but his mother sees them on a fortnightly basis. She collects from school and keeps for tea then returns in the evening. she also helps me out with childcare if I need it and she will take them to special occasions/events in her family. We have quite a good relationship.

The whole woman/girl thing aside (why are people on here so pedantic? You know what she means...), this person has a right to do whatever she wants with the pregnancy, so you need to accept that the whole thing is out of your hands.

I have two sons and if they turned out like yours appears to be, I would be ashamed. He needs to step up and grow up. You need to cut the apron strings.

If it helps, my brother ended up in a very similar situation when he was 23. Except he was determined to make it work and be a good father. My parents reacted almost exactly the way you have and it was ridiculous and very damaging. That ‘baby’ is now 14 and the light of their lives, my brother is a terrific father and having her actually turned his life around. He has a very successful career now etc. The relationship with the mother didn’t work out but they have co-parented as well as possible. These things can and do work out fine so stop being so hysterical and self involved and look at the big picture.

The best thing your son can do is to move out and leave this girl to it.

He should obviously pay the maintenance money that will be due, but the rest is down to the girl as it's her decision to keep the baby.

Of course that wouldn’t be possible if I knew she was constantly judging me and my lifestyle.

Your son should get himself on the birth certificate and get the baby away from the mother.

He can get grants and childcare paid for if he's the RP whilst he's completing his degree.

I'd consider myself an absolute failure as a parent if my son turned out like yours.

Don’t be so bloody nasty.

They are both as much to blame. And whilst it’s a shock for your DS now after he’s adapted to this new turn in his life he will have to step up and do the right thing.

OP, the young woman’s housekeeping skills are irrelevant. Many people are irresponsible and messy before they have a kid.

If this is, as you’re implying, something that she’s planned then that means this is wanted baby.

Don’t beat yourself up. You’re not a failure. Neither is your son if he does the right thing. People have sex. Babies come into the world in all sorts of circumstances. It’s not the end of the world. And it sounds like you’ll have a strong tie to this woman as she is also your daughter’s friend.

Just relax, make sure your son steps up, offer the mother of your future grandchild all your support and the rest is out of your hands.

Your son should get himself on the birth certificate and get the baby away from the mother.

good one! He can’t get himself on the birth certificate. He needs to get either the mother or a court judge to do that. Threatening to steal her baby from her is hardly likely to help him out with that btw.

Oh and why on earth would someone who wants no contact with their child make a better parent than the mother?

Oh OP, I'm sorry! My DC are their ages as well, and though nobody has brought new life into this world unplanned so far, I am just bracing myself for the news any day. Oh that they could remain small and innocent forever!!

Now this may sound blasé, but I don't intend it to. I suppose I may be trying to ease your mind, as there isn't too much you can do right now other than wait and hope.

These things have a way of working themselves out - they can, at least. Being pregnant changes a woman, even a young and reckless and totally careless one (I say autobiographically - and I was several years younger than your son's mate), and meeting one's own child can stir up completely unexpected feelings in a father as well.

I don't know your kids, but from the outside looking in, I would imagine that your daughter being such close friends with the mother would have a positive influence on your son. She is his sister, after all, and she can talk sense into him, she can relay information between the two of them, she can explain them to each other. She knows your son AND she knows her friend both very well - far better than they know each other, I'd imagine - and she can word things between them that can help them better understand each other. I'd imagine that they will only truly fall out if one party is completely unreasonable.

Of course, this could well be all just ignorant wishful thinking, but I can say I've personally been in a similar (but certainly not identical) situation and things did work out well enough, and I have friends and even siblings with similar stories.

One thing you can do is contact the girl** in question and let her know that you want to support her. That will probably make her feel better and give her some knowledge upon which to make plans.

Obviously I'm no psychic and I don't think I'd tell the future here even if I were, but it definitely is possible that things won't just go all tits up and stay that way forever.

**Btw, I'm not using "girl" maliciously here, only out of lifelong habit, as that's just the word I use for "female people" - I call my 50 year old friends "girl" "this girl I know" etc, just as I call my fully adult children "children" and "kids". It is meant as no disrespect at all. I suspect that's what the OP is doing as well.

Oh god you sound like a nightmare. Have you even met this lady? What makes you think she lied about being on the pill? How do you know she's drinking and smoking? And loads of people have dogs and a baby. As for keeping the house clean, she's young, single and living in a house/flat share. I'm sure a lot of people are messy in the same circumstances. Doesn't mean she won't clean and tidy when a baby comes along. And besides none of that is really isn't any of your business. You honestly sound like one of those mils that people come on mnet to complain about.

Dear op, I'm really sorry you are experiencing this difficult situation

I think most parents would be disappointed if their child conceived a baby accidentaly with someone who they didn't love and didn't plan to stay in touch with the child. But if things go ahead you will obviously have to try to put these totally understandable feelings aside.

It sounds as though the die is cast and she has decided to keep the baby and even if she isn't yet decided I think it would be very counterproductive for you to comment either way on her options in that respect.

If she keeps the baby it would be greatly in that baby's best interests to have contact with loving grandparents if the mother will allow it. I think the best way forward to try to ensure that would be to offer neutral support and offer practical help with eg getting nursery ready, babysitting etc. I am sure your dd would be very proud if you did this decent thing Dir her best friend and for the baby.

In terms of your son, I think he needs to try to come totems with what is happening and if you can try to bring him to see that what is important is what is best for his child, not what he wants

So you want this woman to have an abortion so that you can have the first grandchild experience you’ve always wanted?

Omg, can't beileve some of the comments on here. I do wonder how many of these posters have walked in the OPs shoes. You have all presumably just got this news and are a mass of emotions. If my son has just announced this I would feel the same.

stinky seriously? What have you been snorting?

To the OP, take a deep breath, you and your son need to come to terms with the news, and you son needs to accept the situation and man up and take responsibility. You don't need to do anything, but if I were you I would offer my support and try my utmost to build a relationship with the child.

I think you will too

Your son should get himself on the birth certificate and get the baby away from the mother.
Is this some kind of joke Papaya? [shocked]

I don't consider it to be nasty.

If my son gets to 25, has sex with someone, knocks her up and then is adamant that he wants nothing to do with the woman and his child then yeah, I'll mark that as a giant fucking fail.

I assume both OPs children were/are also living in this messy, unhygienic home. I would take everything OP is posting about this woman with a pinch of salt. Sounds like her son is using the old “paint her as the devil incarnate to justify my shitty behaviour” trick.

Papayamum

Your son should get himself on the birth certificate and get the baby away from the mother.

He can get grants and childcare paid for if he's the RP whilst he's completing his degree.

Let hope your kids dad does that with you. Nasty piece of work.